Bleed For Me
by everfaithful
Summary: Dean has returned from hell, only to find that hell is determined to follow him home. Given the choice between Saving the world, and saving his brother we know what Dean would choose. But is Sam going to cooperate.
1. Bleed For Me

AN: Thank you to those who are joining us again. The plot bunnies have struck again. I hope you enjoy this new story arch. Those that are out there incomplete are in the works still I promise, but the evil plot bunnies strike where and when they will. When I first posted this I forgot to add the shameless begging for feedback. I admit it, I am addicted to reviews. They are like chocolate, the internet and margarita's all rolled up in one :) thanks for reading! please review.

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Chapter One: Bleed for me

_All I ever wanted  
was to be at your service  
but now I'm alone  
cause you were here and you're gone_

* * *

Sam finished packing in record time, and drove over to the park where his brother had gone to look over at the fruits of their labor. Children alive and well, playing happily as though nothing had happened the night before.

Well at least there was that.

He strode over to the park bench and sat down beside Dean and stared out over the playground. "One of your buddies paid me a visit in the hotel room." Uriel was a bastard. He loved rubbing salt in that wound. November second. He wondered what the significance really was, why the guy had pointed it out to him again. Probably because he hated what Sam was and enjoyed salt in an open wound as much as the next guy. All those years of prayer and he was still persona non grata. It stung. And he hated that he let it.

Dean rolled his eyes. "He's not my buddy." Dean said. Uriel didn't seem too happy with him either, and now at least he knew part of the reason. "I swear if he called us mud monkeys one more time, I was going to see if shooting him full of rock salt would at least make me feel better." He looked at his brother, back to the kids, then over to his brother.

"What did he want to see you about?" Dean asked, and watched the kids again. He remembered when Sam used to play like that.

"I don't know man... maybe nothing more than showing me that he was bigger than me. Just... stuff," Sam knew Dean wouldn't like it. Not any of it. "Reminded me what today was... chewed me out for not letting the bad guy win, and told me to ask you what you remembered about hell." Sam's jaw twitched "You ask me, the son of a bitch just likes rubbing salt in old wounds. He wants to use me to get at yours since obviously his orders don't allow him to do it himself."

Dean's jaw tightened, mirroring his brother's. "You really want to know about hell, or will horrific suffice?" He asked tightly. He remembered more about hell than he would admit, and remembered a whole lot more than he wanted to.

Four months in hell was like forty years, of nonstop torment and torture. There was never an escape. Until there was one, and he was still figuring out the strings attached to that one. What he had figured out so far, he didn't like.

"I don't think I can imagine what it must have been like for you." He said. "I tried... Have a lot of images of my own in my head. Used to spend a lot of time trying to put it together... kept me angry... angry kept me alive." He admitted. "It's my fault you were there. I'm not gonna make you relive that just for my curiosity, or because some asshole told me to ask."

He knew all too well what the son of a bitch had been doing. He had been driving the point home that Sam was nothing but trouble to his own family. He wanted Sam to screw up so that he could have an excuse to kill him. Yeah... Angels. He hadn't expected Victoria's Secret wings and pretty golden halos. But he sure as hell hadn't expected this. There was a coldness, a darkness to them that reminded him of dealing with Azazel. Nothing mattered but their agenda. When they could do it, when the opportunity arrived, they lorded their power, their purpose and twisted the knife as deeply as they could.

"Don't start, Sam." Dean said tiredly. They'd been over this. "It was my fault I was there. I made the deal. I knew the price. I accepted it willingly. It's not your fault. You're my brother, I couldn't let you die. It's not in me, I wasn't made that way. So stop blaming yourself for something that was clearly my choice. Free will and all, I guess."

"Free will? Free will is a joke, Dean. We haven't had a choice in years. I guess in that holier than thou sense we have. We chose to fight the good fight and we have been paying the price for it the whole time. Sure, they were great choices for people that we save, not so great for us."

"Been there, done that, Sammy." Dean said as he took a familiar yellow bag out of his coat pocket and started to eat the M&Ms, offering the bag to his brother. "Remember the Djinn? I know what we would have been like if we lived normal lives. A lot of people would have been dead. We would have been completely different. Not to mention, knowing what we know about Mom now, not sure we ever could have been normal. Oh she did fine with keeping us out of it. But I wasn't even five when she died. Who knows what it would have been like when I was ten, or fifteen."

"I know... " he said, jaw tensing. Just something else to chalk up on his side of the tally board. Azazel had killed his grandparents, damned near killed his brother again, then snapped his father's neck in order to get his mother to agree to let him in, so that he could make Sam whatever it was that he was.

He stared at the ground in front of him and took a deep breath. "We're packed." He said. "I figure we can blow this town whenever you're ready."

Dean rolled his eyes. Sam didn't get it. None of this was his fault. "I'm ready." He said and pushed off the bench. "Might as well get out of here before the cops trace us back to that mausoleum." With the dead teacher in it and all. It was the last thing they needed, though technically they were clear, because technically, as far as law enforcement was concerned, they were dead. Killed in a helicopter crash on the way to custody. Poor Hendrickson. He actually liked the guy.

"So where to next?" Dean said. "Wait for them to tell us about a seal? Or go to a bar? We really haven't been to a bar. And Oktoberfest doesn't count, that was a tavern."

"I don't know where we're going but I am not waiting for them to tell us anything. " Sam said as he got up from the bench. "Bar's as good a place as any to go." Hell a drink might just be what he needed to shake the mood. Shaking the dust of this town off his feet might go a long way toward that too. "I'm sure we can find a Hooter's for you next town over. "

Sam didn't know what was coming over him, but he was angry. With himself for letting the knife be knocked from his hand, for using the power in the first place, with Azazel for choosing his family of all families to work his magic on, with the angels for hating him for something he had never chosen and had never wanted, with God for not answering his prayers and cleansing him of it.

God should be able to do that... should be able to wipe the taint of Azazel's blood from his body. Hadn't he sacrificed and lost enough in this war to have earned that much?

No, he was just the mud monkey with demons blood in him. He suspected that God didn't even hear his prayers, because of what he was. Just expected him to tow the line and fight the good fight in a war he didn't even start. Pay the prices, cut the losses and move on. All the while, he was trying to prove that he even deserved to draw breath.

They had saved Dean. They had brought him back from hell. For that he was grateful and would hold his tongue, but the rest of it... well, in that moment he wished he could send them to hell as easily as he did their brothers.

"Hooter's is an excellent place to start." Dean said jovially as he headed toward the car. He had never known this pressure before. Apparently representatives of God's own holy army was here specifically to take orders from him. He was just a guy. A guy who knew stuff most didn't, but just a guy. He didn't get it, he didn't want to get it. But as he looked at Sam in the passenger seat as he pulled out of the parking lot, he realized he didn't have a choice.

Sam stared out the window as they drove. He wished he could be sure the angels weren't sitting invisible in the back seat, watching and waiting for him to screw up. Were they ever really alone? His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed at the thought.

"Maybe it will have wifi and I can look for our next job while you enjoy the view." He couldn't help but grin a little at that even if he didn't take his eyes from the window.

"Nothing wrong with enjoying the view." Dean said with a smirk as he turned the radio on, the volume was low, but it was nice background music, all heavy guitars and driving drum beats. "I think we've earned a little view after this last one, don't you?" He sure thought they did. Plus is, it was something normal, something Sam needed. He'd been....off since Dean returned. Somehow Dean expected everything to be the same when he returned. Especially since he didn't know he was returning until he had.

Instead, he found his brother, the one he died for, consorting with demons and exorcizing people with his mind. Angels waiting in his hotel room to tell him to stop his brother, or they would. Seals opening, apocalypses coming, and everything was supposed to be the same.

Really, was that too much to ask? He didn't think so. He was lying to Sam as surely as Sam was lying to him. He didn't have his feet under him yet. He was still haunted by hell, his ordeal there; every waking moment, and every sleeping second. He was just a lot better than Sam at pretending. Years and years of practice that he was fine, he was always fine, and would people stop asking him that?

"Yeah... yeah I guess we have." He said continuing to stare out the window. "A vacation too but that isn't gonna happen. Not in our nature." It really wasn't. This wasn't a job that you could take a day off from. It wasn't a job that you could walk away from. It was just their life. It was what they were. And it was going to kill them again. Dean was going to die again and there was nothing he could do about it.

Except prepare. Compartmentalize, and do whatever it took come heaven, hell and everything in between to keep that day as far in the future as possible. If that meant he had to sacrifice little pieces of himself along the way. He was okay with that.

"Sam, you're getting sulky. I know the signs." Dean said in a sing song voice. "Believe me, I know the signs. Next you're going to be brooding over your beer, not appreciating all the hard work these girls put into their implants, and talking again about things that may or may not happen. Really. Tonight? Don't. Okay, just tonight."

He looked back over at his brother. "I won't." He said, his voice almost sounding like the old Sam. "Don't worry. Headache, that's all. You appreciate the waitresses, we'll both appreciate the beer and wings, and I'll get to work finding us our next destination. You'll head home with some chick and I'll get a good night's sleep without your snoring for a change." He turned to teasing instead.

"Dude, just because I'm back doesn't mean you have to stop picking up my slack." Dean teased. "Random hook ups are good for a guy, reminds us our plumbing still works without the work of finding out their birthdays. Or last names for that matter. Besides, I've been rehymenated, remember, I have a lot to catch up on even if I'm not a virgin anymore."

"Dude, enough with the rehymenated crap already." He said with a grin. "Besides, chicks are demon magnets. " He said.

"I think we're demon magnets, and I'm definitely not a chick." Dean said as they left the town; for once, far ahead of the police. "Or maybe demons are Winchester magnets. Still undecided on that one. Really could go either way."

That's it, Dean, joke about it all. Keep it light. It's killing both of you, but keep it light. No choice, otherwise one of you shuts down. That's what always happens, you know that. His inner voice said. And he wished it would just shut the hell up already.

"Which is just another reason for me not to find a girl. With my luck she would be a demon or something equally unpleasant. You seem to do okay though. Nothing too skanky although I gotta wonder what you meant about the waitress with the weird rash though. "

"That was before I rehymenated." Dean said solemnly. "So anything I caught, well, luckily that's gone." He said with an over exaggerated sigh of relief. "Who knew angels were big holy shots of penicillin?"

"I think I'm allergic." He grumbled under his breath. "Dude you were not rehymenated. Men don't have hymens. That's strictly a girl thing." He pointed out continuing the jest. "You are such a jerk." He said with a laugh. "That is unless there is something you want to tell me about... you know since you came back from hell. They didn't get the parts confused when they put your body back together did they?"

Dean smirked and tossed Sam his cell phone. "Feel free to call Jamie and ask if all my parts are in the right place." He said. "She's under Oktoberfest. She programmed it in. She wants me to call her next time we're in town. She'll tell you. And it's a concept. I didn't ACTUALLY have a hymen. But since my foreskin was taken care of long ago, it's just an idea. How am I the abstract thinking one now? How many times did you hit your head when I was on my field trip?"

"Not that many. And there are certain abstract thoughts I really don't need in my mind. Your virginity or lack there of is way up there on the list. " He said tossing the phone back. "And I have seen some hot lesbians in my day so that really doesn't tell me anything." He said grinning now. It was fun to tease Dean and it chased the shadows away for the moment. God how he had missed that. The one prayer that had been answered was Dean. He was here. Right here in the car, driving aggressively, eating bad food and talking about sex. Even if it had been for Castiel's own purposes, and not really an answer to anything. Dean was here. Sam wasn't alone.

"You're absolutely right. If I came back as a woman, I would be a hot lesbian. And because I would be a hot lesbian, I would feel obligated to tape any hot lesbian action to share with what would undoubtedly be my fans. However, no tape exists, because even though I'm a hot heterosexual male, and she was one hot heterosexual female, we didn't get THAT kinky." He said with a grin. "Ah, Hooter's. Finally."

Sam laughed and got out of the car once parked. "What amazes me is that these women buy the lines you feed them. I mean who in their right mind would think you are in the music industry?" Sam said. "You don't know anything about music after 1985." He held the door open for his brother.

"Yes I do. I know it's crap." Dean said with a laugh as they were shown to a table. "Look, WiFi, so you can pretend you're not ogling along with me." He said with a grin. "How about a poltergeist? Haven't been thrown around in a clean way lately." He said as a busty waitress walked over. "Two beers." He said with a grin.

Sam nodded to the waitress and set up the computer. When she left he shook his head. "I don't know, that shape shifter tossed you around pretty good. " He chuckled. "Or maybe it just looked that way. Lederhosen and all. "

"Dude, don't remind me." Dean said with a shake of his head. "So we've got sixty, maybe less, seals to stop from opening. Maybe if we do that, these angel guys will go away and leave us alone." Uriel had spoken to Sam. It hadn't gone well. In Dean's opinion, whatever Uriel said made Sam worse.

"Here's hoping." Sam said and started searching for anything he could find about the seals. "The bible doesn't mention that many seals, only 7. Those are probably just the last seven though, or maybe they come in tens... they said we had 69 seals to stop... what if the first was the 200 being released from hell?" He said as he started researching the biblical seals.

"Oh that's great." Dean said. "But it's been over a year since that one broke." He said with a frown. "And now all of a sudden they're stepping up their game? Dad would know what to do." He mused into his beer.

"Dad would be as clueless as we are." Sam said. "Or maybe it was Lilith and something she did before... we fought her." He suggested. "Regardless there are 60 plus seals and everything I can find leads back to Revelations. Which is probably nothing more than someone's allegory to Rome with Nero as the anti-Christ, but it's what we have to work with."

"Okay, well, when the rivers run red, we're in serious shit." Dean said as their ribs came. "Okay let's see what we've got. We've got two annoying angels, one more annoying than the other. We've got Bobby. We've got Dad's journal. We've got the internet. If we had Ash, we'd be golden."

"I miss Ash." He said with a nod. "We can probably get Bobby looking into it as well. If anyone can research what's going on, it's Bobby. " He said and switched his focus onto other things, looking for the nearest signs of supernatural activities. He needed a good old fashioned hunt in the worst way. Something that was straight forward and didn't involve anything angelic.

"Wonder what Ellen is up to lately." Dean said with a shrug. "Dude, eat. If you're not going to look, eat at least. I don't know, almost feel like we should keep a low profile." If any of the demons got word about what Castiel told him, they'd have more than one target painted on their backs.

"Dean... we can't hide forever. If they can help, you know that they will. Right now there isn't much we can do if our feathered friends are going to keep secrets from us, but go on about our lives. Which means going on about hunting." He picked up a rib and started eating.

"You're really gung ho about hunting. Haven't seen you like this since right after Dad died." Dean said, sitting back with his beer and looking at his brother. "You have realized, right, that I'm alive now and everything, right?"

"I know... It's just the only time I think the world is spinning in the right direction right now." He admitted. "And with the apocalypse on the way it's not like there isn't going to be a lot of work to do."

"Okay, point to Sam." Dean conceded. "So we'll find something normal for us, go waste it, and feel better after a little anger management through hunting. Definitely my kind of plan. Glad I thought of it."

Sam laughed then, and genuinely smiled. "Jerk." He said, still laughing "Go pick up some gullible girl and have some fun already." He picked up a rib. "I'll find us a job."

"Great." Dean said and finished his beer and another rib. "I'll call you when the gullible girl ain't so gullible any more. If you wanted to take a break, it wouldn't be unheard of..."

"Nah... it's fine. I need this. I need to work." He needed to not give the freaking angel an excuse to think that Sam was no longer useful. Which would lead to Dean having a fit, and getting himself sent back to hell. Not anywhere they wanted to hang out together. He could well imagine the fun the demonic community would have with them both together. Cause some how he figured death by angel was a straight to hell ticket.

Never mind how many demons they had defeated, never mind how many lives they had saved, or how hard he had prayed. It didn't mean anything. Because of something that had happened when he was too little to do anything about it.

"Go... have fun."

"All right..." Dean said, unsure. His brother was in a mood. He didn't like leaving his brother in a mood. On the other hand, however, he didn't like being around his brother when he was in one of his moods. How had Sam turned out so damn moody? Oh one could make a case for the last couple of years...but he'd been like this as long as Dean could remember!

But fun was on the agenda. Hey, he was God's chosen one. So in pure Dean style, he had to test that by enacting as many harmless sins as he possibly could fit into one evening.

Sam watched Dean socialize as he ate, drank and researched. When he got the sign from his brother that a serious target had been acquired, Sam packed up his gear and headed toward the nearest cheap motel. He was tired. Emotionally and physically. His head was still ringing with the aftermath of that exorcism two days previous. It had taken almost everything he had to do it. And it hadn't been enough.

He got a room and paid for it. Dean would call when he was done playing for the night and Sam could tell him where he was. Right then, he hoped his brother took his time. He needed to think and breathe and hopefully the angels would be spying on Dean and not him for a while.

He laid back on the bed and continued researching, mostly to keep his mind from drifting back into that dark resentful place. He didn't like his mood anymore than his brother did. But he had a hell of a time shaking it since Halloween. Maybe it was just the day. November 2nd. Never a good day. Not once could he remember it being a good day.

He sighed when he heard the knock at the door. Opening it he saw a pretty young woman looking up at him expectantly. "Can I help you?" He asked pretending he didn't recognize her by the way she wore the body she was in. He just wasn't in the mood.

Ruby stepped under Sam's arm and entered the hotel room. He hadn't laid down his salt or brick yet. "So you're consorting with angels now?" She demanded. "Wow, how the worm turns, doesn't it Sam?" She said. Her voice was softer than the last body, but the tone was pure Ruby, even with the red hair and completely different body type. Still the same vaguely trampy clothing though, she liked it. "They'd like nothing better than to wipe you off the face of the earth and you're associating with them? What are you thinking? Do you know what they can do?"

Sam laughed then. It actually struck him as humorous. "Now there's a first. Consorting with angels." He was almost giggling. An almost hysterical stress induced laughter. "Yeah cause I just love being spat on. Right up there with root canal and having the shit kicked out of me by demons." He said. "This isn't a good time Ruby. It's really not."

Ruby looked non-plussed as she sat down on Sam's bed and leaned back on her hands, looking up at him. "Really?" Ruby said. "Wow, you really are stressed out. You should do something about that. I hear you exorcized Samhain, you're joining the big leagues now." She said with a smile. "Why do you keep treating me like an enemy?"

"I'm not... I just... it could get us both killed, and not in that friendly sent to hell so you can crawl back out kind of way. If I thought you were the enemy, I would have killed you by now. " He sat down at the table and took a couple of ibuprofen dry, then pulled out a pair of beers, tossing one to Ruby. "Why don't the angels want me using my powers?" He asked her bluntly "What is it doing to me or the people that were possessed that I need to worry about?"

"Your brother treats me like I'm the enemy." Ruby pointed out as she opened her beer and drank it. "And I even tried to help him." If they had mastered Sam's ability sooner, he could have pulled Lilith out of the host. The hell hounds wouldn't have been able to be summoned. "He's just like the angels, if it doesn't come from God, obviously it's not good. Or something like that, I don't understand that side all that well. Mental block, understandable really. I was pagan before I was demon. The angels don't want you using your powers because they don't come from God. You knew that. You know where they come from. They're not an ends justifying the means type of guys, unless it's their ends they're trying to justify."

"Yeah, I know." He said. "I got my ass chewed for using my ability. They would have rather had the damned demon walking the face of the earth than me use my abilities. I know how black and white they are. I know what I am and that they hate me for it. Okay. God hates me for it. I know that. It's not even my fault and there it is. But because it comes from god it's Just. Therefore it's just to want to kill me if I cross the line. " He started pacing. "But I'm not going to leave my brother and that's what I would have to do in order to continue what we were doing Ruby. The angels couldn't be bothered to stop Azazel from dropping the blood in my mouth in the first place, couldn't wipe out any of the freaking monsters that Dean and I fight every day but they are more than willing to decide that I deserve to be destroyed."

"You don't deserve to be destroyed." Ruby said, standing up and watching him pace. "I'd like to think neither do I. They don't care, Sam. And at the end of the day, you're the boy with demon blood. They win? You know what comes next? The age of righteousness. We're all gone anyway, blanket policy. Why lay down and die for them?"

" With armagedon barreling down on us? Do you want hell on earth? I have to try and stop it. You know that, and I cant leave Dean. I wont leave him. I just got him back. " he knew that in some ways she was right. In the end when the battle was done, Sam would no longer be useful. Uriel had made it plain what would happen when he ceased to be useful. It was inevitable. Uriel would kill him.

"That's right." Ruby said. "You'll cease to be of use. Maybe even to Dean. He hangs around them long enough, ingests enough of their God mission talk, he won't want a brother with demon blood. The one that sent him to hell." she finished her beer. "Come on, I've got another one for you."

Sam shook his head. "Not tonight, Ruby. I can't do this tonight." He said, even though the temptation was high. It normally felt so good to put the bastards back in hell. Normally it was a high that couldn't be beat, to be able to beat them at their own game, not even give them a chance to resist. "It's not safe. Give me the name and when Dean and I get back we can go and take care of it the old fashioned way." He had to at least try and be good. Dean wanted that. It didn't matter a hill of beans in that moment what A God who had forsaken him wanted. But it did matter what Dean wanted.

Ruby looked at him, shocked. "Don't be this way, Sam." She said. "You're right, they're wrong. Why do you care what they think? They don't care about you. They only pulled Dean out when he had a use for them. They let him rot for four months before that."

"I know they are using him. He knows they are using him. That there are strings attached to his being pulled out of hell. I know that. Right now I'm not willing to risk losing him again. Not for anyone. " He said. "And to be honest, I'm really not in a big hurry to go to hell myself. Obviously nothing good I have done, or any of my prayers count for much, so we both know where I am going when I die. Let's not rush it."

"You really think they're watching you?" Ruby said. "I think they just said that so you'd fall in line, just like your brother. Winchesters."

"Right now... yes. I do think they are watching. Because they are looking for any excuse. Uriel made that pretty plain. Arch Angels not known for lying so much." He said. "So for now... yeah we just... play it cool while sorting out Armageddon."

"Do you remember what I said? Before? Even before Dean died? You were made to lead a demon army." Ruby said. "You haven't stepped up to the plate, so others are. And they're gaining followers. Powerful ones, allies that could possibly take on an archangel." Ruby wasn't one of those, she shook with fear at the idea of being in the same town as one. "And your big plan is to just sit back and play it cool? Hope you sort it out in time?"

"You know, for someone who was going to say 'see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya' a few weeks ago because an angel was involved. Now you want me to piss one off. " He asked with a raised eyebrow. "Cause heaven is going to be so understanding because I was made to lead a demon army so I guess I had better get to it or the demons will get restless." He said sarcastically. "Nice way to wind up a pillar of salt . Or maybe a grease spot. Oh hey, how about that guy that lied and was eaten alive by worms from the inside out? Yeah... way to get a head start on hell."

"You're better than what's coming through the pipeline." Ruby said. "The ones that can't wait for hell on earth. Hell sucks. Ask Dean. No one, not even a demon, should want that here. But it's coming, I know you've been told. But can't you feel it?"

"Yes I feel it. I feel it staring me down, waiting for me to trip and fall so it can eat me alive." He countered. "Just like the angels are. Just like..." His jaw clenched and he walked away to look out the window at the usual neon nothing that surrounded him. "Even if I wanted to, the minute I made a move that direction I would be so much grease on the pavement." He frowned and shook his head. "Which wouldn't do either of us any good, now would it?"

"Doesn't do either of us any good if you're an angel's bitch boy either." Ruby snapped. "You think this is the first time angels have been down here? And yet demons are still walking the earth. It's possible to protect yourself from them, hide yourself from them. You need to learn that, Sam." She said as she headed to the door. "And tell your brother I want my knife back or I'll take it back."

"You want my help, you find the information, Ruby. And no... you don't get the knife back. Make another one. Dean is gonna need that one." He said. Especially if things went south and Sam wasn't able to be at his back any more.

"Make another one?" Ruby said and laughed. "Still so naive, Sam. I love that about you. I can't wait until it cracks. And it will. This isn't going to end all nicely tied up in a bow, you know. There is not a happily ever after in anyone's future."

"Do you really think that I'm that naive? If I were that friggin' naive I'd give you back the knife and figure Dean could take care of himself. I got a news flash for you. I'm not your little bitch either. Even if I go the way you want, you're not gonna be the puppet master behind the throne." He said sharply. "So if you want a knife, you go make one, buy one, blow Lucifer himself to get one for all I care, but you are not taking that one back from Dean. Am I clear?"

Throne? Interesting choice of words, Ruby thought. "Dean went to hell and back. He's got two angels, at least, sitting on his shoulders. He can take care of himself." Ruby pointed out instead. "The question is, can you?" Was Sam finally ready to step up? Though Ruby privately thought it was too little, too late at this point.

"Well if I can't, I guess I'll find out what Dean went through sooner rather than later. You going to get me that information or sit here drinking my beer all night?" Sam was tired of the attitude. He had sucked up enough of it from Uriel earlier. He was fresh out of patience and compassion. He was fresh out of a lot of things.

Ruby smiled widely, her new face revealing dimples to rival Sam's. "You know, I prefer this Sam to the broody the world hates me Sam." She said. "I'll see what I can dig up. When I find it, distract your brother for me. I really like this body."

"Bet the host doesn't care for the situation any." He said. "Just get me the information and get it fast. I'll worry about Dean. Just... flirt with me or something." He said with a frown. "As long as he doesnt know it's you, I can go off for a while, but that's only gonna work once with this body."

"Maybe twice." Ruby said. "After all, you always try to not be like Dean. If you stay in the same town, or area, you could look me up. Because I'm great fun." She said with a cheeky grin and handed him back the empty beer bottle. "Later."

"Yeah, later." He said as he took the bottle and tossed it in to the garbage. He let her out and closed the door with her still standing there looking at him, and started to pace once more until he just couldn't stand it any longer.


	2. Believe

* * *

Chapter two: Believe

_Penance can't absolve your sin, into me  
Penance can't absolve your sin  
All your belief cannot absolve your sin_

* * *

Sam left the hotel room and just started walking. He didn't know, and didn't care where he went in that moment. He just wanted out. It was claustrophobic in there; even after Ruby had gone it was as though he could still hear her accusations, her insistence that he was changing sides.

Was he changing sides? How could he be changing sides, he thought he had been on the right side all along. The good guys. The white hats. The heroes that come in and saved the day. Yet Uriel had said the only reason he was alive was because he was useful. Because of what Azazel had done to him.

Pastor Jim had always taught him about a benevolent God, one that cared for everyone, cared each and every soul that was created. He was supposed to know the number of the hairs on your head and even noticed when a sparrow fell from the sky. He hadn't expected some sort of divine Santa Claus. He wasn't naïve enough to believe that God would answer every prayer with a yes and supply all your needs. He knew better. He had figured the big guy had better things to do than worry about whether little Sammy Winchester got to celebrate Christmas like normal people, with his family together and not hurt, or if the nightmares would stop.

But he had always believed those prayers were heard. That maybe there had been a chance he could somehow make up for what had been done to him in his crib that night. Maybe the lives he and his brother had saved could make up for the deaths that had come along the way, that maybe he could beg for forgiveness and Salvation often enough that maybe it would happen.

No. Sam only lived because he was useful. Because he was fighting the fight God and his Angels had left until the last minute. They had known what Azazel was up to with his breeding program. Maybe not the endgame, but they sure as hell knew that he was feeding helpless infants his blood. They didn't stop it then. They just figured on waiting to see how many he would make so they could kill them off later.

He should have known better, really. His own father had been willing to kill him. The man who was supposed to love him had been watching him waiting for the day that he had to kill him. Why should god be any different?

Was Ruby right about Dean? Would he decide that he couldn't handle his little brother who was part demon now? He had threatened to leave him already. Had struck him. Was it only a matter of time before he lost Dean again? And with Dean would go Bobby.

Where would he be then? Both heaven and hell wanted him dead, but neither was willing to do anything about it so long as they could both use him. What was the difference really? What was the difference? He looked up and found himself face to face with a church; St. Mary's Cathedral, to be more specific. He didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry in that moment. He wound up doing a little of both as he circled the building, finding a small garden in the back. He didn't want to go inside.

He hadn't realized that there was a church within walking distance of the hotel he was staying in. Yet here he was taking a seat near a fountain with a statue of Christ in the center, arms open, palms pointed upwards in a welcoming gesture.

"I don't even know why I'm here." He said softly, although he wasn't talking to himself. "I am so mad at you that it hurts, and I'm not even sure you hear me. I have prayed for so long… and all I have ever really wanted was for the taint of his blood to be gone. It isn't that unreasonable a request. It's not like I chose this for myself. I just wanted to be free of it…That and to be able to save my brother. You brought him back. I'm grateful for that. But I don't know which way is up anymore, and that's not all on me." He said as he wiped at his eyes.

"I have been fighting this war my whole life. I know some of our methods are a little unorthodox and well… a definite don't do it outlined in black and white, but we've lived our entire lives on the battle field fighting your war. Your War. This isn't a battle I asked to be involved in. I had that choice taken from me when I was a baby. I didn't choose this darkness inside me. I didn't choose to have these abilities. But I do… and then I discovered that I could do good with them. The visions, the exorcisms… people were living… I was saving lives, and now it's don't do it or die? "He asked, shaking his head.

"Now I am told the only reason I am alive is because I am useful. When was I condemned exactly? When my mother made the deal to save my father? When the blood touched my lips? Was there some point that I was damned? Does anything I do from here on out even make a difference? Do you even hear me? Have you ever heard me?"

He got up and squared his shoulders, ran a hand through his hair, and wiped at his eyes. "I'm tired," he said, "of fighting losing battles. I'm tired of giving all that I have only to be kicked in the teeth for my efforts. I've never wanted or asked for a reward for what we do. I've never expected to die in my sleep. I guess I just never expected to be nothing in your eyes either. But what the hell, right? I'm just down here risking my life and my soul to save a bunch of mud monkeys right? Isn't that what you guys up there call us? And all I am doing here is wasting my breath."

He turned to leave the garden, aching now just as much (if not more) as he had when he had entered. He started back toward the hotel, stopping at a liquor store on the way. He needed something harder than beer right then. Dean would be pissed but he could live with that.

He had been disillusioned over the last few days. He had thought there was hope. Had thought he had a chance at coming through this alive. But he didn't. Ruby was right about one thing. One day, no matter how good he was, no matter how closely he towed the line, one day he would cease to be useful, and they would kill him. Because he was an abomination in their eyes, which meant he was an abomination in God's eyes too. They took their cues from him after all.

So now it was a countdown to hell again. Only this time it was Sam whose head was on the proverbial chopping block. This time there would be no rescue. No way out. For Sam it would be an eternity.

Dean was leaving yet another happy conquest. Hey, if he was a warrior for God, he should get some spoils, right? Or maybe, just maybe, Castiel was right. He wasn't worth all this bother, and he was just trying to prove that. Rack up as many sins as he could (lust being a chief one) and they'd see that just as clearly as he did.

He'd gotten her number, doubted he'd call her. Without looking at the paper, he couldn't even say what her name was. However, he did know she was double jointed in interesting places, which was more than some of her friends might know, so that counted for something.

He'd called Sam, but it went to voice mail. Good for him, hopefully Sammy was out having a little fun of his own. About damn time. Guy hadn't so much as looked at a woman since he'd come back. Then again, his one night stand was later possessed by that skanky demon, so that might play a part in it too. The kid just didn't have luck with women, Dean would admit. Some of his luck was downright horrible (Jessica, Madison) and some just chalked up to poor timing (Sarah).

But Dean for the moment was relaxed. He wasn't worrying about leading a holy army to stop the end of the world. How many times did he have to stop the end of the world anyway? Couldn't someone else do it for once? Besides Sam. Or Bobby. Or Ellen.

Crap, he might as well do it.

But nope, Dean was pointedly NOT thinking about that as he went into a diner. He'd worked up quite the appetite really; something greasy would sure hit the spot as he ordered what should have been called an instant heart attack. He was drinking coffee when a man sat across from him.

Dean sighed and put down the cup, rolling his eyes. "Now what? Going to tell me I've been a very bad boy?" He asked with a grin.

"Your activities are not an issue right now." Castiel said solemnly. Seemed the only way the guy knew how to speak. Brought to mind a Billy Joel lyric, 'I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun...."

"Don't go there, Dean." Castiel said. "Even I know what the next line is, do you really want to follow that train of thought?"

"You can read minds?" Dean asked. "Shit..."

"You were humming it." Castiel said.

"Oh." Dean said, making an 'oops' face.

"Have I spoken to you about faith?"

"If you have, I wasn't listening." Dean said honestly. "And don't plan on it now. Unless you're telling me that I shouldn't have faith in Trojans..." Castiel rolled his eyes at that.

"The lack of faith is dangerous." Castiel said. "Especially when it happens to someone who used to have so much. It leaves a hole, a gaping hole that hurts."

Dean clenched his jaw. "Well, your pal Uriel there didn't help matters." Sam was the only one out of the two of them that had anything that resembled faith. Sam was the one who had greeted the angels like a fan boy at a convention.

At least Castiel had had the graciousness to greet Sam and shake his hands.

"Uriel is a specialist." Castiel said. "He comes in only when things are bad. His point of existence is to pick up after humans, after the mortals. The cost of free will is that it often requires a janitor."

"So the big bad archangel is just a glorified street sweeper?" Dean asked.

"This is not a joking matter, Dean. You know what your brother is capable of. You've seen it." Castiel said. "If he loses his faith, he loses everything. His faith is what has held him together. And you. We've brought you back. Now bring his faith back."

"Dude, Uriel called us mud monkeys." Dean said with a scowl. "And did you know while you were talking to me about your doubts and questions, he was threatening my brother?"

Sure, Sam didn't say that outright. But Dean got the gist. And no one threatened his brother, not even an archangel.

"Uriel is hard, he is harsh. He is the fire of God himself." Castiel said. "God is just, He is righteous, but he is firm."

"Ah, so the whole tough love thing, then?" Dean asked.

"Please don't joke about this." Castiel said, looking tired. Dean noticed he always looked tired. He wondered how much of that was due to the purely human host having to ride around with an angel all day. That could be pretty tiring. Just talking to them could be tiring. "We're stopping everything we can from our side. Please don't falter on yours."

"You know," Dean said, leaning back and falling silent for a moment as the waitress brought him his pie, then he spoke again. "My father said something similar to me. Save your brother, or kill your brother. Is this what it's coming down to?"

"I never said that." Castiel said. "Just...watch. Listen. And act if you have to."

"Sounds to me like a threat against my brother." Dean said coldly. Castiel sighed and rose from the booth. So quick Dean didn't see him move. He was sitting, and then he was standing.

"Just watch. Listen. Act if you have to. Uriel is harsh, but he's righteous. He's a good servant of the Lord. But he can be...impetuous, always within his orders, but impetuous."

"Dude, don't threaten my brother." Dean said.

"Don't make it so it's a threat." Castiel said before he left the diner.

Dean found he didn't want his pie. That's how disturbing this conversation was to him. "Couldn't be Heidi Klum, could ya?" He muttered as he picked at his pie, smashing the crust with his fork, spreading the filling around his plate.

"Is the pie all right?" The waitress asked as she warmed up his coffee. Dean didn't even have it in him to flirt.

"Yeah, it's fine." He said and turned his view back to the tabletop until the waitress moved on.

Save your brother or kill him. Give him back his faith or kill him. How the hell was he supposed to do that? Dean didn't have any faith. He was one big cloud of doubt over this whole thing. Everything was a test, and there was no crib sheet for him to use. Not even a study manual. He wasn't comfortable flying without a net in this situation.

Not when the cost was Sammy. He'd already been through that. Had cost him four months in hell by the time it was all said and done. Just thinking of it, he could hear the screams in his ears. Was his brother bound for hell? For no fault of his own? Was he? Was everyone? Could he stop this? Could he stop this and save Sammy all in the same breath? Because unfortunately, if he were at the top of a tower, and Lucifer himself was holding two ropes. Dangling them over a busy street way high up, and from one hung Sammy, and the other the world, if Dean had to choose which rope to grab, and he could only grab one....he'd grab Sammy's. Every time.

Sam was well on his way to drunk by the time Dean got back to the hotel room that night He hadn't reached the point of no return yet, but he was doing a damned fine John Winchester imitation as he sat there in front of his computer, just staring at the screen. "Five hundred miles from here, looks like a poltergeist, just like you wanted." He said, although he had a feeling that Dean was wanting to talk about something else entirely.

Well maybe 'want' was the wrong word.

"Cool." Dean said as he shrugged off his jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair. "Poltergeists could be fun." He said.

How the hell was he supposed to give Sam back his faith, when he'd been accused of having no faith himself? And he didn't. His brother always had faith and belief in angels. Dean pretty much thought he had a better chance of seeing a leprechaun riding a unicorn across a rainbow than see an angel.

But now he'd seen two. And they kept talking to him. Well, one of them at least. And it wasn't even a freaky tequila soaked dream about his conscience. Or a really good dream involving models wearing angel wings as he removed their halos....

Okay enough with that.

He sat on the edge of the bed and watched Sam for a bit, in front of his laptop again. Dean had uses for the laptop (some Sam definitely didn't appreciate), but he wasn't glued to the damn thing. Or dependent on them. He figured, if he needed to know something he already didn't have research on, he'd ask Bobby. Guy knew everything. Including Japanese apparently, which he'd have to test some day. He had a few things that needed translation...

And why was it every time he saw Castiel, he had the urge to just make himself as unsavory to heaven as possibly without, oh he didn't know, mowing down a playground full of toddlers?

"You okay, Sam?" Dean asked. Sometimes, he was certain Sam wasn't even glad he was back. He understood the guilt factor (even if he didn't appreciate it), but still. Sometimes....

Sam opened his mouth to casually answer yeah he was fine. Then closed it. "No." He said honestly. "But I will be." He had to be. There wasn't time to be anything else. He wanted things back to normal between him and Dean, but Dean looked at him differently now. He couldn't tell Dean everything, anymore than Dean was going to tell him everything, and because of that there was always going to be a barrier between them. But a little honesty couldn't hurt.

"Me either. And we don't have a choice." Dean said and lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "I'm sorry." He said. "I'm sorry I brought you back from the dead only for you to end up in the middle of the apocalypse. Again. It never ends. Sometimes...sometimes I think even if we end this one, there will just be another one. And another one. And another one after that. Until we're insane with it all and just don't care anymore."

"I know... the problem is... if you believe the company line... the apocalypse is destined to happen. All we can do is postpone it. It's going to happen, and supposedly there are seven years of tribulation, and then Christ comes back and either pats you on the head or gives you the boot and that's all there is to that. So why are they trying to end it? I have way too many questions and the only answer I get is be good and be useful or else." He shrugged and filled the short glass with another round of tequila.

"Believe it or not, Sam, I know how that is." Dean said. "I've been threatened with a return to hell, that whole parental thing, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out shit. The other, well, he'll drag me out of hell just to finish his damn job." He said as he sat up and took the bottle of tequila. Not away from Sam, but just some forced sharing. Dammit he needed it too. His whole buzz of getting laid was completely and utterly laid to ruin by Castiel's version of a pep talk.

Like he needed to be told to look after Sam. How to look out for Sam. He'd been doing it longer than the angels had been paying attention, obviously, if they thought he needed tips.

Right?

Okay, he was verging on petulant. But they were both being treated as wayward children, even as they laid the heaviest load he could imagine on his shoulders. Heavier than anything his father had ever thought of lying on his shoulders. He took a long pull from the bottle and gave it back to his brother.

"If we could hide from it, I'd totally suggest it right now." He said.

"I know. But there isn't much we can do right now. Might be a way ... but would you really want to take it if there were? As much as you hate this- because some asshole on a mission is telling you to do it and how to go about it, this is so much a part of you. This whole saving the world thing."

"It's never been about saving the world." Dean said. Most of the time, it was about saving his brother. Saving his family. Keeping his family safe. The world hardly entered into it. At least in his mind. Maybe subconsciously. After all, he did risk life and limb and virility to solve a stranger's problem, whether it be poltergeist or wendigo or pagan spirit. He just didn't see it that way. "Sometimes I wish the world would save itself." Then he could concentrate on saving Sam. Again.

He didn't feel like he came back whole. As whole and unmarked as his body was, he felt like his soul was held together with duct tape and bondo. Like the littlest shake would just make it fall to pieces. Damaged. Not quite right, but damn good at faking it. Bruised and battered with all sorts of sharp shards sticking out, waiting to poke. Blood. Screams. Pain. Agony. Death after death after death....

Dean blinked hard. "There's gotta be another side, right? I mean, we know hell exists. So heaven has to too, right? That whole balance thing? All cultures have it. Totem, yin and yang, all that stuff." He said.

"Heaven exists." Sam said. "Not a doubt about it, after all we have two Angels reminding us of it. Doesn't mean Heaven gives a damn about any of the people down here. That's our job. Theirs is apparently destroying humanity while claiming to want to save it. Because it works in the big picture, because we are nothing but an embarrassment to them. Did you know that some systems of belief have it that Lucifer started the war in heaven because he refused to bow down to human kind? Looks like he and his third of the angelic horde aren't the only ones to think humanity are nothing but lice on God's creation." He downed the contents of his glass in one gulp.

Dean watched his brother drink. Back in the day, before Hell, he was the drinker of the two. Two beers and Sam was singing bad karaoke. "Castiel kept faith that we would save the town." Dean said seriously. "Of course he hoped we'd save the town and stop Samhain from rising, but hey, he's happy we got at least half of it." Happy was stretching it. More like relieved maybe. That tired relief that Castiel seemed to emanate. At least the tired part. "Don't let Uriel get to you. He's an archangel, one wing dipped in blood after all."

"Yeah, well, he is looking for an excuse for that blood to be mine." Sam said and clenched his jaw. This meant that he was slated for hell. No matter how much he had prayed. "I would love to say it doesn't matter. But right now, Dean, I'm not seeing a lot of difference between the two factions. They both possess human bodies and use them how they see fit; they both could give a rat's ass about humanity unless it's interfering with how they see the world going."

He was almost drunk enough to ask his brother about hell again. Morbid curiosity really, wanting to know what awaited him. God was this how Dean had felt all that last year? The nagging mind numbing fear, the certainty that there was nothing that could be done to prevent it. You were going to hell. Not figuratively but literally.

When your last name was Winchester that was like a cop going to prison.

"Big difference, besides the politics." Dean said with a sigh. "Their hosts...they want this. Prayed for it, probably begged for it. Apparently when you trap yourself in a monastery, you've got nothing better to do than pray. I don't get why they want it, but they do. I bet none of Ruby's hosts wanted to be possessed by her." And if he ran into that skank, well, he'd evacuate the host in quick order.

"Yeah, well, I haven't heard Ruby talking about wiping out a town full of children either." He said. "And she tried to help us, you know. Without her, the colt would have stayed useless. You wouldn't have the knife... She the enemy just because she's a demon, Dean? You gotta admit the lines are little more blurry than they used to be."

"They're not that blurry." Dean snapped. "Go back to the initial issue. Remember what that girl, Meg, said?" They'd discovered the demon's name wasn't Meg. The girl was named Meg. "She was screaming inside for help. She didn't want that. I bet whoever Ruby's wearing doesn't want that. And she's got an agenda. She wants you to step up to the head of the demon batting line up one way or another. And Sam, no. Not happening. Do not make me list the very good reasons why that is NOT going to happen."

"If the lines aren't that blurry, then why did you go to hell to save me?" He asked. "I'm not... I don't know what I'm not... hell I don't even know what I am. But whatever that is... isn't good. You're walking around with that look again, you know... that look you had when Dad told you to save me or kill me. Like you don't know if you want to throw up or run screaming. Gotta wonder if some angel wasn't sitting on Dad's shoulder telling him to do it himself before it was too late. He used to look at me like that sometimes too."

"Sam, I basically have to save the world. Or I don't go to hell, hell comes to me. You don't think that's pressure? You don't think I'm tired of the pressure? It would be great if I could get used to it. But I'm being tested by battlefield conditions, and it's a test in a course I never signed up for. This is worse than the going to school naked dreams." Dean said. "And I know who you are. You're Sam; you're my brother and the biggest pain in the ass I've ever met. I'd go to hell again for you. Don't push it."

"Don't you ever do that again, Dean." Sam said firmly, an almost panicked edge to his voice. "They don't get to have both of us, do you hear me? If I die, you leave it be. Don't you dare leave me here alone again. Not knowing that you're there. You going to hell will not save me, Dean. No matter how alive I may be. Swear to me you won't do that again. Not ever. "

Dean looked at his brother for a long moment. "No." He said, shaking his head. With conviction. "Double standard, there, Sammy. You think I'll do any better knowing you're in hell?" Sure, he probably wouldn't consort with demons. But he'd be worse than his father had been. "I'd do worse. Because I would KNOW what you're going through. I've been there, remember? I know what's in the pit. It's all just theoretical to you right now, but I would KNOW."

"I'm going there anyway, Dean." He said. "One day, when I am no longer useful, that is where I will be. You think it will matter if that usefulness ends because of victory? You think they care one way or the other? It's not their job to care. It's their job to do what God commands. So get used to it. I'm going. You are not. Not ever again. You didn't deserve what happened to you there. You don't deserve to have the memories of it all either." They were both being used because they had both already been damned for whatever reason. Both were off God's radar. Dean had a chance to make things right, to earn a place in heaven. Sam didn't. He wasn't going to be the reason his brother lost that chance.

"Sam, you're talking stupid now." Dean said, taking the bottle. His brother obviously had had enough...for probably a couple of days. "You're not going to hell. Not if I can stop it. And if I stop it by yanking you out, fine." He'd make another deal, everyone in hell had to be pissed that he was gone anyway. Sometimes it sucked to be so popular. And man, had he been 'popular' in hell!

"You can't stop it!" Sam yelled. "That's the point. You can only post pone it. Sacrificing yourself isn't going to make me immortal, Dean. Everyone dies. And by the time I get there, you will be half mad if not all the way converted into a demon, and you will take part in whatever you KNOW happens there. Is that something you want? Don't make me arrange that no demon will even talk to you."

"Don't go arranging anything!" Dean said. "Because you shouldn't be talking to demons either. Look, you want to get all sulky and lose faith and all that, can't stop you. I can help, but you won't let me. But don't go making arrangements with demons, or talking to demons, or anything demonic. Got it?"

"Like what Dean? Pump blood through my veins? Apparently that's demonic enough." He said as he got up and headed toward the bathroom. "If I die, and you bring me back again... I'll be on your heels in 5 seconds flat." He said as he paused outside the bathroom door. "So don't even bother trying. " With that he went into the bathroom and closed and locked the door.

"Whatever." Dean said, and resisted the urge to throw a bottle at the door. Yeah, he was doing a real good job with Sam. He could probably do better if the angels would just keep their mouths shut. He stripped and crawled into bed, knowing what awaited him in his dreams, but it was better than the look of hopelessness on Sam's face. Hopelessness he couldn't even start to vanquish. By the time Sam came out of the bathroom, he was asleep, restless, but asleep. He didn't even hear Sam.

Sam couldn't sleep. So he had gotten up once Dean had finally drifted off to sleep and had started his research once more. With Ruby off researching ways to keep the angels off his ass, he could redirect his attentions to the war at hand. He was still one of the good guys whether Uriel or anyone else wanted to believe that or not.

' Lilith is also identified with ki-" he frowned' Ki sikil-… ah hell I can't pronounce it , a female being in the Sumerian prologue to the Gilgamesh epic,' he read silently, scribbling notes to transcribe into his journal later. 'The maiden who has stolen the light" or "the maiden who has seized the light.' He frowned. "Seized the light," he said softly out loud, "I wonder." He muttered and continued his research.

The Assyrian Lilith… associated with lions, storms, desert, and disease, he wrote , "Storms…" He muttered.

His father had always tracked Azazel through storms, but what if the storms were brought on by Lilith. Could the two of them have been working more closely together? Stolen the light… "Did she seduce Lucifer?" He asked and winced at the sound of his voice, glancing over at his brother to make sure he was still asleep. Holding his breath as Dean tossed and made a few noises, but stayed asleep. He was torn over waking his brother up from what had to be a nightmare, and doing his research. When Dean quieted down and lay still, research won.

'Early portrayals of such demons are known as highly sexual and predatory towards men, but were unable to copulate normally.' Nice, he thought. They were thought to dwell in, desert places. A male wind demon named Pazuzu was thought to be effective against them.' He wrote the name Pazuzu down for later reference. "Isn't that the demon in the exorcist? Okay, stop channeling Dean."

'Many incantations against her mention her status as a daughter of heaven and exercising her free will over infants. She was said to seduce men, harm pregnant women, mothers, and neonates, kill foliage, drink blood, and was a cause of disease, sickness, and death. Some incantations describe her as "seven witches". The space between her legs is as a scorpion, corresponding to the astrological sign of Scorpio.'

"Scorpio… November?..."

'The marriage of Samael and Lilith is known as the "Angel Satan" or the "Other God," but it was not allowed to last. "Mothers of demons…" he muttered. "And she scored an archangel. Control freak to boot. This just gets better and better." He grumbled softly. Figuring it was a good idea to look into this angel in question.

'Samael a figure who is accuser, seducer and destroyer, and has been regarded as both good and evil. It is said that he was the guardian angel of Esau and a patron of the sinful empire of Rome.'"Good and evil?" He frowned and wondered upon that for a moment. "Takes the souls away from man… this cannot be a good union."

He rubbed his eyes with his palms and sighed. Six in the morning. He picked up the keys to the Impala and headed out the door, figuring it was time for coffee. By the time he got back Dean would need it as well.

Dean woke up with a start. He always did. He couldn't remember waking up easily, at least not since his return. He had vague memories of waking up past noon. Ah, those were the days. But now his dreams were spent reliving things he didn't want to remember. Things he wished he could forget.

And the saddest thing about his life, even knowing now, he'd make the same choice. He really did have an abandonment complex, he decided. He stretched, and saw Sam's bed empty. Must be in the bathroom washing his mop of hair or something. Well, he'd get coffee then.

And the car was gone.

Oh Sam better be getting coffee.

Sam was sitting outside the coffee shop drinking his third cup. Not because he was hung over. Sam had learned to drink hard while Dean was in hell. Not even really because he was avoiding the morning round of questions, although that was part of it. He was waiting for Ruby. Something told him she would find him with the information he needed. He just hoped she hurried up.

Ruby sauntered over and dropped a small cloth bag on his lap. "Good morning to you too." She said with a grin as she sat down next to him and took his coffee. "That should hide you from the angels when you have it on you. Figured you'd have to let them know where you were every once in a while. Or they'll tattle to Dean, and you'd have big brother breathing down your neck again. And you've done so well without that at least for those four months. Can't believe you'd want that back." She scoffed. She didn't get the attachment to Dean. Dean annoyed and frustrated her. He actually thought he could take her. And he'd actually almost proven right once or twice. Add to that the whole angel thing, and if Dean was gone, Ruby wouldn't shed a tear.

Well, maybe one. Of joy.

"He's my brother." Sam said as though that explained it all. But it didn't. Not many in the world knew just exactly how much that word meant to the Winchesters. "Thanks for this." He said as he tucked the medicine bag into his pocket. "What do you know about a demon called Pazuzu or an Angel called Samael... anyone got a clue which side he is actually on?" He needed all the information he could get on both of them. He was going after Lilith and legend had it Pazuzu was the demon to know in that department. Samael was either a pissed off ex husband or a secret lover of the bitch and he wanted to know if he was about to piss off an archangel or just a fallen one.

"Samael? Depends on who's asking and what his mood is." Ruby said. Personally she stayed as far away from him as possible. "He goes between being an archangel, like the warrior of the archangels. Or being confused with Satan. Somehow he gets away with it too. Who knows? Maybe he's playing double agent.

Not like Lucifer has his head above ground to find out. He's locked in hell. And Lilith? She wouldn't tell Lucifer one way or another. Right now, from what I hear, they've been on good terms, her and Samael. Why? Which side do you want him to be on?"

"Not sure, really. If he is still an archangel I can't trust him, and if he is a demon no way in hell he is going to screw over Lilith. They were married after all. Find out if this Pazuzu is above ground." He said using her euphemism. "He's a wind demon... has a reputation for stomping the hell out of lilitu ... which puts Lilith on his radar. If the texts are accurate he tends to protect humanity from them. Don't ask me why, he is also supposed to be one nasty son of a bitch. But I want him in my court. " He said as he got up. "We're going after Lilith. She is the one going after the seals. Stopping her will slow it down. We aren't just going to send her to hell. I want her destroyed. " They had taken down Azazel, after all. They could take Lilith if they prepared first.

He started walking toward the Impala. "That is, unless you have a problem with that?"

"I have no problem taking Lilith down." Ruby said. "You forget, and I've told you from the start, I don't want hell on earth. It won't be pleasant. If I liked hell, I'd be in hell, dontcha think?" She asked. "So, what, I'm your bitch now? You're either stepping up to the plate or you're not. Because like it or not, Sam, I'm a demon. And I'm not exactly all bright and shiny for the good fight here. Stopping an apocalypse is one thing, but if I find Pazuzu, what am I supposed to tell him? That a kid with demon blood is aligning himself with his brother, who's got two angels looking over his shoulder, wants to talk to him? Give me something."

"You tell him Sam Winchester is taking on Lilith and wants back up. I'm not involving my brother or his feathered friends in this. I don't know if I am stepping up to the plate or not. This isn't about that, it's not about what you are all bright and shiny for. It's about stopping or slowing down the apocalypse." He said honestly. "I'm not going to lie to you about it. But if you want me... you gotta do a hell of a lot more than nag. So if that makes you my bitch... so be it. You don't like it.. Leave me the fuck alone."

"Do a lot more...Sam, if you had listened to me last year, you could have saved your brother." Ruby pointed out. "I got you the bag. I've gotten you information. Don't you tell me all I do is 'nag.' You would already be Lilith's slave right now, and I hope you know that, if I had left you the fuck alone. You're not as bad ass as you think you are, maybe to minor level demons like me. But Lilith? She's got more tricks up her sleeve. You surprised her once, but you won't again. You're researching her, well she's researching you. She knows your brother is out of hell, we all do. And now we all know how he got out of hell. Think on that before you've decided your balls have dropped."

He slipped the medicine bag over his head. "One minute you want me to step up to the plate, the next I'm a wet behind the ears punk. Yeah, you are right I could have saved Dean. I remember that every time I see that haunted look in his eyes. Every time he wakes up screaming. " He told her. "And kindly stop rubbing salt in the wound. I get enough of that from Angels. " He snorted. "And Dean wonders why I don't see much difference." He shook his head. "I'm not going at her with brute force. I'm trying to find back up and I am doing it on my terms. I have a few things more to put together before I do anything else. In the mean time I am counting on Lilith not wanting to deal with Uriel to keep her away from Dean. This means I can't rock that boat right now. I will do what it takes to stop Armageddon, but you need to back off and let me be the one that makes the decisions. I'm not sacrificing my soul or Dean for this. And that's what you've been asking."

"Look, I realize you've got your crutch back." Ruby said with a roll of her eyes. "Face it, you're the wunderkind of the demons. Like it or not. And you hide behind Dean. He's holding you back, and you know it. You want to stop Armageddon, let him go." Ruby said and walked off.

Sam took off the bag once she was gone and it didn't matter if he was spied on or not . He went back into the coffee shop and got two more coffees, and a couple of breakfast sandwiches before heading back to the hotel room.

"Hey, you're awake." He said as he walked into the room."I got breakfast." He said, sitting it down on the table. Dean might be a crutch, but Sam thought of him as a life preserver. Especially right now. Dean was all he had.

"Thought you ran off with my car again." Dean said with a chuckle. Not like it hadn't happened before, after all. "Breakfast is a good idea." He said, reaching for one of the sandwiches and his coffee. "I don't sleep well anymore." Understandable. And when he did, he got caught up in dreams he couldn't get out of, no matter how hard he tried. Sometimes it was like hell was trying to reach up and drag him back, whether the angels liked it or not. "So, poltergeist. And do we know anything more on the seals? I just want this over with so they leave me alone." The lap top had been warm when Dean woke up. So he knew Sam had been researching. Probably all night.

"Couldn't find anything about the seals. Nothing that I couldn't find in revelations anyway. So I started researching Lilith since she is the one that's out opening the seals." Sam admitted. Some things he wouldn't keep from his brother. He had no intention of mentioning that he was looking up Pazuzu for a partnership, or that he was able to hide from Angels now, but the research on Lilith would be something Dean should know. The bitch would have a hard on for him once she got the chance. Yet another reason to destroy her as soon as possible by whatever means possible.

"Wow, sounds like a night of fun reading. You know, I left you several bookmarks you could have gone to instead." Dean said with a laugh. When he was still resigned to death, he'd done several things. Taught Sam basic maintenance on the Impala. And book marked into Sam's laptop several sites for him to have 'fun' at. Or at least fun watching. He hoped. But would never ask, because he didn't really want to know! "So is her history a big piece of work? At least as big a piece of psycho work as the bitch herself in the present?"

"Oh yeah. " He said as he sat down and took out a sandwich, and explained what he had found. "So yeah, there are almost more questions than answers with her, although most of them don't need to be answered. Could care less if she was the one that tempted eve in the garden or if it was Lucifer. Married to an archangel could be a bit of a problem. Considering Samael is still one of the heavenly host on most days... brings up a whole new bucket load of questions and I don't know if I want the answers."

"Mother of all monsters, huh? That is really not what I wanted to hear." Dean said with a sigh. For once, couldn't things be easy? He was convinced more than ever that his father would have known what to do. Without even thinking, probably. Just another way that he just couldn't measure up to John Winchester. Some days, he wasn't sure he could measure up to Sam. After all, Sam went four months without him fine. Dean lasted one day.

"Okay, so Lilith is opening the seals. Maybe she's trying to free some of her monstrous children? We could start there, see what we can find." Dean suggested.

"That's a good idea." Sam said. Sam hadn't been fine during the time Dean had been gone. He had gone off with Ruby in search of vengeance. He had tried from day one to make a deal to get Dean back but no one was taking him up on the offer. He had become hard drinking, and more than once had gotten into a bar fight just to feel the pain of injuries the next morning. A tangible part of Sam had died with his brother. Something Sam was certain would never be whole again. "Can't hurt. I think she was the source of the storms Dad was tracking, not Azazel. The two of them were working together. No way they weren't. So maybe we can start using Dad's methods to track her down."

Or just draw out the proper hermetic circles, summon her into one and take her down one inch at a time... but that he would never tell Dean about. Not until it was over and done.

"Well, then I really screwed the pooch, didn't I?" Dean said with a chuckle. "Wonder if she wanted my soul because I offed Azazel." Or because he was an obstacle to Sam. Well that sucked, he'd continue to be an obstacle. He was a very good obstacle in fact. Even hell apparently couldn't keep him. "Okay, we've got Azazel, who's dead. He wanted you to lead his big ass demon army. We've got Lilith paving the way for Azazel with her storms, maybe weakening some defenses, distracting other forces from Azazel's end game, which even money says she knows and is involved in. Willing to also bet she doesn't like humanity much, what with Adam casting her aside and everything. Women can hold grudges. Big time. She's also t he first human to be turned into a demon, so she's up there in the hierarchy, but we knew that."

Dean sighed and drank his coffee as he thought. "Think the poltergeist is taking a back seat . I'll tell Bobby about it, see who he can put on it." Bobby's connections in the hunter community were a lot deeper than Dean and Sam's. "I'm wondering if Lilith was setting you up to fail Azazel's test. After all, you are human. And she doesn't like us, especially those of us that pee standing up." He pointed out. "So it wouldn't be out of the realm of belief to think that. We know she's after you. So her demon death ray doesn't work. That's gotta piss her off." But she was bound to have other tricks up her sleeve. "The archangel thing worries me though. For all we know they're turning a blind eye because she's shacked up with one of the m. Don't mess with a bro's ho after all."

"The deal was made before you offed Azazel... I think she wanted your soul because... because you keep me human, and that was the last thing Azazel wanted. I think we can't assume that because they are angels they are trustworthy. As much as I would like to say Uriel is on my don't trust list, I can't. I don't have any reason to think your buddies are dishonest."

"Stop calling them my buddies." Dean said with annoyance. "I'm a fellow mud monkey, remember?" He reminded Sam. "Wasn't just you Uriel was calling that. It's not like we hang out and watch football games and talk about girls."

"Sorry. I have a hard time with them. I know so do you, but they seem to have less trouble with you than me. After all I'm a demonic little mud monkey." He said and smiled a little. "So are you sure you want to go after Lilith with me? You know they are gonna have a cow."

"Because I totally clear all my activities with them." Dean said with a roll of his eyes. "I figure our agendas coincide. We all want the seals not to open, and I want a piece of Lilith. Bad." She had, after all, contracted his soul. Sicced the hellhounds on him. And took great pride in his torture in hell. Yeah, Dean wanted a piece of her.

"Then that's what we do. But in the mean time, until we figure out how to track her, or summon her, without dying in the process, let's go after that poltergeist. Besides, a couple days on the road is probably a good idea." They wouldn't have demons or angels constantly on hand, interfering and threatening.

Dean had to chuckle. "Sure. Let's see what really tacky hotel room we can get into next." I t had become a running joke. Their motel rooms tended to look like discarded porn sets from the 70s. Not because of any choice of theirs, but because that's the price range they usually strayed to. When you used someone else's credit cards, it was better to go low end than high end. Less attention that way. "Come on, let's pack up. We've got coffee, food...you did fill the car up, right?"

Sam laughed. "Yes I filled the car up. It was my car for four months. I know how to take care of her." He said as he got up and started to pack. "If we drive straight through we can get a fresh start in the morning. But I know this area, came through here ... well... back when...anyway... and there is a drive in theatre about half way. I checked. It's showing second run movies... you could catch up on a couple that you missed."

"Like the Dark Knight." Dean said. "Bet you already saw that one." He teased his brother good naturedly. "Like me being dead is an excuse to go to movies without me. Coulda dug me up, you know."

"Hey, I had enough trouble from Bobby when I didn't salt and burn you. Can just see what he would have done if I had started hauling your rotting corpse around with me to the movies." Sam said. "Besides, you wouldn't have remembered it anyway and we would still be having this conversation." He said with a laugh.

Dean had to laugh. "Okay, good point. Fine, I'll go catch up on the movies I missed." He hadn't even looked for movies that would be opening that summer. What was the point? He wouldn't have been around anyway. "Or we'll just hit some bars. Either way, I've got catching up to do. At the very least prove the angels wrong."

"Dean, finding some new and interesting sexually transmitted disease isn't something anyone should catch up on." He said, smiling a little. "And exactly what is it you want to prove the angels wrong about? Not sure they really deal well with that whole being wrong thing. Humility is not their strong suit."

"Oh that's between me and them." Dean said with a grin. He wasn't about to tell his brother he was the leader of some holy army apparently. Because even to Dean's mind it sounded ridiculous. Just the whole concept of it. "And I haven't had one named after me yet, so it's totally something to do. Besides, you stopped having fun when I came back. Might as well give you time to explore some options while I'm exploring my own...."

"It never works out with women for me. Not even the one night stands." Sam said, in all honesty. "Don't need anyone else on my conscience." He knew it shouldn't bother him that Dean had secrets. He had his own secrets with Ruby. Things that he only kept from Dean because it would hurt him or piss him off. Yet it did bother him. It bothered him a lot. But because of his own secrets, he wasn't going to push. Instead he started packing. "So you have fun for both of us."

"All right, dude." Dean said with a chuckle as they headed to the car.

You would think having a new lease on life, literally, would mean at least some of the pressure was off. He had crammed so much into that last year, he should feel fulfilled. But he felt like he was still playing catch up. Catch up with his brother. Catch up with the hunt. Catch up (and cut) as many strings as he could. Catch up on life.

Everything was a continual catch up. Four months was a long time, and not just when it was spent in hell, he realized as they drove to the town Sam told him about. About an hour outside the town with the poltergeist.

"You know, I don't need to go to a bar to get laid." Dean said. "How about we just go shoot some pool, build up our cash reserves?" He offered his brother.

"Sounds like a plan." Sam said with a nod. "Could be fun ." He had spent a fair amount of time hustling pool after Dean's death to keep from having to use the credit cards as much. "As long as you don't start a bar fight this time." He said with a grin, remembering more than one bar fight that had been started by Dean's smart mouth. Not that he was completely blameless either.

"I don't start bar fights." Dean said with an innocent smile . "I never throw the first punch. You, on the other hand, you throw first punches all the time." And their father had been worried about Dean's temper when they were children! He pulled into the parking lot of a dive bar, their usual scene truth be told, and leaned over Sam to get into the glove compartment, pulling out a handful of cash. "The things our father taught us." He said with a chuckle.

"Gotta wonder who taught him." Sam said with a faint laugh. "All these underhanded survival schemes didn't just pop into his head out of the blue." He had often wondered who had trained his father to be the b ad ass demon hunter he had been, apparently even in death.

"Bobby, Caleb, Jacob, Pastor Jim, Bill Harvelle...he ended up knowing a lot more people than we thought he did." Dean said with a chuckle. Though they had grown up knowing a good deal of the best ones. "Hell, Bobby's such a research hound, as is Pastor Jim, you know I think they taught him quite a lot. And Jacob, wow, that man..." He said with a chuckle.

A lot of hunters were beyond description. John Winchester was no exception. And sometimes he was sure his brother and him were falling into that same category. That wasn't a bad thing.

"Yeah, cause Pastor Jim is gonna teach Dad to hustle pool." He said with a laugh. "And run credit card scams. That is so hard to imagine. Jim was always so... good. " Sam said. He missed Jim. Wished he could talk to him, sort out the ache t hat was in his chest, that empty whole where his faith used to be.

"Oh he was good." Dean agreed as they headed into a bar and Dean waved for a couple of beers. "But come on, how much rock salt could he put on the church tab? You think ammo was built into the budget?" He pointed out.

"I think the church should have paid for rock salt and ammo. Only right, all things considered." Sam said. "But yeah, I guess you are right." He wondered what the angels were up to when Jim was killed. They went and possessed someone that prayed for it. But couldn't save a man who not only fought their war, but served their god as well. If anyone alive had deserved divine intervention, it was Jim.

"To Jim." Dean said and lifted his beer. He had liked Pastor Jim. When things went south with their dad whenever he was on a hunt, he was the go to person. Didn't matter what time Dean called, Jim would be there as soon as he could. If their dad missed an arrival time, or was badly hurt, Jim was there.

"To Jim." Sam said and lifted his own. He began to talk about some of the times they had stayed with Jim, the stories he used to tell. "You used to hate sitting through church on Sunday though. I think it's cause you could never sit still. "

"You never helped matters." Dean said with a laugh. Recalling all the things a younger Sam would do to antagonize him. And it was quite a list. He was certain their prank war had its birth in the back of Jim's church.

"Hell yeah. It was the one place I could get away with that sort of thing. Bobby always saw through who was doing what, and Dad always assumed it was me." He said with a laugh. "Probably because he and I were always fighting I think. " At least that's what he hoped it was. He didn't want to think that it was because his father had known what he was. He liked to think his father hadn't found out the truth until later, even if the evidence didn't support that.

"Dude, it was always you." Dean said. Dean had been smarter. The stuff he'd pulled, he'd pulled it when his father wasn't around. Sam liked to push limits and buttons, at least if they were John's limits and John's buttons. "But can you imagine if we had grown up around the roadhouse and all that?"

"I don't regret my childhood Dean. Not for a minute... I regret that you lost yours. " He said. "I know he had no choice. I can understand that. Doesn't mean I have to like it, I don't think HE liked it. But he liked having us to come home to, and even when we were fighting I remember the relief at seeing him come through the door. We do what we have to do. And if we had grown up around the road house you would so be married to Jo by now." He teased.

Dean nearly choked on his beer. "Make me vomit." Dean said. Jo was cute. But every time he pictured Jo, he pictured Ellen sitting next to him in the Impala, on the most awkward drive of his whole entire life. Ever. "Nah, you would be. Ellen likes you better anyway." He said with a grin. "Less chance your balls would end up in a vice."

"Jo, however, doesn't like me more. In fact I think right about now she would put a bullet in my head if she saw me. " He said, very much glad Ellen didn't know about what he had done to Jo while possessed. He didn't think she would be so understanding where her little girl was concerned. "Besides... she isn't my type. She got you to singing REO Speed wagon of all things. "

"Yeah, well, you wear pink. So don't start. And shirts with flowers on them that are not Hawaiian shirts." Dean said with a laugh. "We all have our slip ups."

"I can still kick your as 5 times out of 10." He said with a laugh. "Pink shirts or not." Then there were the times that they just wrestled, neither of them able to do more than struggle against the other. It was amazing how well matched they were. Sam had size on Dean easily, but that had never stopped his older brother from kicking anything's ass. Dean was going to have a reputation like their father's when it was done. Not the 'he's a nut job, just do the job and don't ask questions' reputation, but the one of being the go to guy no matter what was breathing down your neck.

"Yeah, well, remember the other five." Dean said with a grin. Dean was a dirty fighter. He used whatever means necessary. He knew that, and embraced it. Got him out of more than one situation that could have easily gone a bad way. And truthfully, most of the time, the only one bigger than him was Sam. Sam was very tall, and broad shouldered. Dean was more...normal sized.

"I always do... which is why it's only 5 times out of 10. If I forgot it would be a lot more." They pulled their punches with each other. It was hard to tell if either of them could actually win a true fight with the other. Personally, Sam never wanted to find out.

"But dude, when we team up, we're ten out of ten. Okay, nine out of ten." Dean said with a grin. "Could be ten out of ten if you cut your hair. Maybe you can't see enough."

"Yeah... and maybe it's because your mind is on the night before with the hot waitress with the weird rash." He teased in return. "At least I don't scream like a girl." That still made him laugh in retrospect. Only because Dean hadn't been in control, and they had pulled him through. It would have haunted him forever if they hadn't managed it. But he and Bobby had... and that made it funny.

"Dude, ghost sickness. Doesn't count." Dean said. At least it wasn't because he was a bullying dick, it was because he had handled the heart. That was a relief to know. "You're the one that everyone believes collects dolls. Lots and lots of dolls."

"Yeah... because you told them I do. Not because I was actually walking around with a doll. You actually screamed like a girl. The ghost sickness might have made you scream, but that shriek was all you big brother. All you."

"It wasn't a shriek. It was a blood curdling scream." Dean said. "I hate cats." He said as he drank his beer. "Man, we've had some interesting times. How are we going to top it? I was thinking twins. Stripper twins."

"Yeah, enjoy my share." He said. "With my luck I would wake up and she would sprout fangs and want to make me part of the family." He said. He really had no luck with women. He just wasn't going to take that chance. But he had to give at least a show of being willing to if he was going to ever fool Dean with Ruby in the future. Now there was a thought to make his skin crawl.

Dean laughed. "Still better than weird rash." Dean pointed out. "And that's all I'm going to say on that subject."

"And yet still you go back for more. " Sam shook his head. "Never figured you for a masochist." He said with a grin. "But that would explain a hell of a lot."

"More into instant gratification." Dean said easily. "If I was a masochist, I'd enjoy getting hurt. And then you wouldn't accuse me of whining." He said with a grin. He knew where his brother was going with that, and liked to blow holes in that theory.

"I don't know man, you throw yourself in harm's way often enough. And for all I know, you like whining too. Makes the nurses stay longer in your room, and it always worried Dad if you made so much as a peep when you were hurt." This was why Dean never whimpered or peeped when he was half dead. Only when it was the little crap.

"Dude, that end table outside of Tampa, it was possessed. I'm telling you, it was out to get me. Absolutely. You can laugh all you want, but why was it always in MY way when the lights went out? Huh? Answer me that, college boy." Dean said.

"Because Dad would move it before going to bed so that he could tell when you were sneaking out of the house at night. You never look where you are going at home in the dark."

A look of realization came over Dean's face. "That's why he was always laughing." He said. "Makes a lot more sense now. But hey, brotherly solidarity? Why did you never move it?" Dean was always sneaking out. Fun things, like bars and girls and cars, happened after the curfew their father tried to impose on them.

"At the time... I was glad to not be the one in trouble, I guess. Dad never caught you at anything but that. And even then he just laughed. If I had been t he one caught sneaking out of the house... " Sam downed his drink and shook it off. He wasn't going there, not tonight. They were out to have fun and that's what he intended. There was too much judgment being passed around as it was. He didn't need to remember how far back it went.

"That's all right." Dean said. "It was more fun that way, in a strange way, having to sneak in silently. I sure learned to swallow pain!"

"And bitch about it for the next week. " He said. "It's the little pain that you bitch about. Guess that makes sense as to why a cat made you scream like a girl."

"Dude. Clowns." Dean said. "That's all I'm going to say is clown. Lots and lots of clowns."

"Hey, clowns kill." Sam said. "Not just supernatural ones either.. Ever hear of John Wayne Gacey?" He asked. "Besides... at least I can get into an air plane without hyperventilating."

"Planes crash." Dean replied. "All the time. Without supernatural reasons. Planes are scarier." He said, then he laughed. "Listen to us! We face wendigos, pagan gods, vampires....all the time. And we're going to argue over which is scarier. Planes or clowns."

Sam started to laugh. "Apparently for you, cats win. " He said, unable to resist teasing him about it still. It was the only time he had seen Dean scared of something that didn't deserve his fear. Somehow he couldn't tease him too much about being afraid of a plane with a demon on board trying to crash it. Other planes... oh yeah. Those were open season.

"Oh shut up, bitch." Dean said, shaking his head with a chuckle as he drank his beer. "Or I'm going to give you some pain to whine about. Mean it, too."

"Dream on. Jerk " Sam said with a boyish grin. He looked about seventeen when he smiled that way. It even reached his eyes. The time away from the job was doing Sam good. Time to let go and just be brothers. They never seemed to have the time for that anymore.

Dean grinned. Relaxing. His brother was relaxing. He wasn't asking him about hell, or going on about his 'destiny.' Or making excuses for using his psychic mojo. This was a good day in Dean's book, when he didn't have to fight with Sam. "Fine. Doubt me. One day you're going to wake up bald and covered with ketchup. Guarantee."

"We are not going to have another practical joke war. It never ends well. " He said remembering all too well the last one. He itched in unseemly places just thinking about it. "Come on. Let's play pool. It's a game that ends with everyone keeping all their skin and hair."

"Whatever you say, brother mine." Dean said with a smirk as they moved over to the pool table with their beers. "Dude, seriously, we're all right. You know that, right? Separately we're one big mess though."

"Dude, I'm not going anywhere. You were the one packing up to leave last time that was even considered. Not me." Sam had lost Dean far too often to even think for a moment of walking away willingly. "God and you wonder why people think we're gay." He teased.

"I am so over that." Dean said with a laugh. "Though it is disturbing. Not just because you're my brother. The fact that you are my brother adds a whole other layer of ick I don't even want to think about." He said as he called and made his shot.

Sam laughed. "Dude, the entire concept is disturbing. Besides, you're too short for me." He teased, before moving to the pool table to do the same. "Besides, I've developed a thing for red heads."

"And is this redhead taller than me?" He teased back. Good to see Sammy out there a bit, even if he knew Sam didn't see it that way. Sam saw life as a series of connections, Dean didn't.

"She is when she wears heels." He said. "But let's face it... I like tall women. Jessica was almost 6' tall without heels." He chuckled "Then again... don't think I am ever going to see her again anyway... the red head... obviously not gonna see Jess."

"You need tall women. There's a difference. Get a midget and the positioning after a while has to get awkward." Dean said with a laugh. "Call her up. What have you got to lose? Unless she's got a rash. Then back away, tell her you'll call her, and burn rubber out of town."

Sam laughed. "The woman in question is back in Memphis. " He said as he made the next shot. "And she probably won't have anything to do with me because things were... weird. Missed a date to chase down a demon. She showed up at the hotel room and I'm stitching myself up... real awkward."

"Yeah, the do it yourself trauma surgeon only plays well in the movies." Dean said with a laugh as he racked the balls again and broke. "I've lost a couple because of that. And got away from the ones that were turned on about it."

"Female hunters aren't so much fun either. They always seem to think they have to prove themselves. Ellen's the only one I know that doesn't and that's cause she has been at it too long to care about some man's opinion." He shook his head. "So I avoid them like the plague. Which leaves me with girls dumb enough to fall for the lies we toss out there, psycho chicks who think the do it yourself trauma surgeon is hot, or the ones that wind up ... you know... less than human. "

"Well, don't sell yourself short." Dean said. "Gotta be a nice human girl to have some fun with. Even if they choke down the lies we tell them." Dean said. "We don't really lie any more than any other guy, you know, that whole calling her back thing and all."

"Sure we do... " He said. "When was the last time you gave a girl your real name? Even your first name?" Sam said. Sad that it seemed that Ruby was the first woman to know him. Know everything about him ever, and yet it was so wrong that they had been together. He didn't think Dean would deal well with that bit of knowledge.

"Um.....okay, I've been out of action for four months." Dean reminded, stalling as he thought. "Maybe.....when we were in....Cincinnati?"

"Yeah... exactly. Jess knew my name, but she didn't know me. Not really. She knew who I was pretending to be. " He said making another shot, this time hitting the balls a little harder than usual.

Dean took a long pull off his beer and thought about Cassie. She knew his name. And eventually really knew him. And that had turned out oh so well, hadn't it? So he let the subject drop. "Take you three out of five." He said instead.

"In your dreams." Sam said. "I've been practicing while you've been gone." He told his brother, more than happy to let the subject drop. He didn't like lying to Dean. Hated it. But he wasn't ready to deal with having to get in between Dean and Ruby again. One of those two was going to kill the other before it was done, and that would leave him to deal with the aftermath. Again... as usual. And if it was Ruby that came out on top of that fight, then Sam really would be alone again because he would send her to hell himself. In pieces. No matter what had passed between them.

"You weren't practicing enough." Dean said with a chuckle as he lined up a shot. "First you don't even think to take me to the movies, then you don't hone your pool game. Talk about time without big brother not well spent!"

"I honed my tequila drinking skills... my digging in cross roads skills, and my barely avoiding suicide skills. And I still managed to find time to play pool often enough that you aren't going to skunk me today." He said taking a drink of beer. He was trying to avoid the hard stuff these days.

"You sulk when you lose." Dean said with a laugh. "And we're not sulking tonight, remember? So I'll let you win a couple, promise." He said with a grin.

"Nice." Sam said. "If you let me win a couple that means I should win all of them." He laughed in return. It had been a long time since they had just taken a little time out to play. They were always working. Pushing hard enough to break. That was ingrained into them. The mission is everything. Of course to hear the angels talk, that was the truth of it all. And people were disposable along the way.

"Nah, wouldn't want your fluffy head to get any bigger." Dean said with a laugh. "So I gotta keep you in line. That's what big brothers do." He said with a grin as he finished the rack and tossed the triangle to Sam. "I wonder about us, though. Our idea of fun is researching poltergeists and hustling pool." Though they were just playing right now.

"We have lots of things we do for fun…" Sam said. "They just aren't… normal. Well… except for music and cars… that's sort of normal. Your tastes in both are antiquated but … it's still normal… ish." He teased.

"Don't even start." Dean said with a laugh. "AC/DC released an album and it sold out. I was resurrected just in time for Metallica's latest album, huge smash by the way."

"Yeah cause all the people Dad's age are still buying music." Sam pointed out. "When is the last time you saw someone that wasn't living in his mother's basement wearing a Metallica tee shirt " He asked.

"Yesterday when I looked in the mirror." Dean said with a laugh. "Your music makes me want to slam my head against walls just to make the pain stop. It's all about grown men whining that they feel lonely and crap."

"Do you actually listen to the lyrics ? I mean of Metallica for one. They dedicate their lives to running all of his, he tries to please them all this bitter man he is, ahm... throughout his life the same, he's battled constantly, this fight he cannot win, a tired man they see no longer cares. Tell me that's not some grown man whining cause life didn't go his way." Sam pointed out. "Life it seems, will fade away  
drifting further every day Getting lost within myself nothing matters no one else I have lost the will to live." He quoted again. "Yeah... my music is depressing. Then there is ACDC who has more lyrics about getting laid and being evil than any other band in history."

"Unforgiven is the best song ever." Dean said. "He knows, a vow unto his own, that never from this day, his will they'll take away. How is that whining? That's empowering." He'd always identified with that song actually. And his brother was not allowed to pick on it. "And there's nothing wrong about music that talks about getting laid."

Sam missed his shot, and lost his train of thought as Ruby walked into the bar. "No...Nothing wrong with that... nothing wrong with short red heads either." He muttered the last bit of that but knew his brother would pick it up. Especially as he cleared his throat and made a point of looking away from the girl.

Dean looked over and laughed. "Wow. So much for celibacy." He teased his brother as he lined up his next shot. "She is a red head. She is short. Not my type. " He said.

Ruby leaned against the bar and ordered a drink. Made eye contact with Sam and looked away. Smiled at the bartender for giving her the drink and started to drink it. Dammit, Dean was here. Well, hopefully he wouldn't recognize her. Different body after all from the last time he'd see her.

"I said celibate, I didn't say dead from the waist down." Sam pointed out, blushing furiously. "And not being your type, makes her definitely my type." He said glancing toward her once more. "But we're having guy time here. It's all good." He knew that if he seemed too anxious to be about hooking up, Dean would be suspicious. Had to slow down, even though his instinct was to drop the cue and wander over to see what was up. He was running a con on his brother. He should be disgusted with himself.

Dean laughed. "Dude, you're so obvious." Dean said. "You want to troll for girls, we can troll for girls. I've been behaving. I don't think that waitress over there was a weird rash."

"You sure? Cause if she shoots me down, I'm dragging you back over here to finish this game of pool." He said. Silently relieved that Dean was willing to let it go so fast. "I don't have to go over there you know. We can just... keep playing pool." He stole a glance at the girl again. Mostly hoping that she hadn't decided to take off when she had spotted Dean.

Dean rolled hi s eyes. "Dude, you're missing easy shots." Dean said. "Go get it out of your system. Passed a hotel on the way, I'll go get a room, we'll meet there." He said as he took out his cell phone and called information, getting the hotel and calling it. "Okay we're in room 109. We'll meet back later. Just...you're pathetic when you're trying not to look."

Sam grinned. "Thanks." He said and set aside the pool cue. He straightened his shirt, ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath, to relax. More for show for Dean than anything else. Then he casually walked over to the bar. "Hi." He said as he took a seat beside her. "I'm Sam." He said then motioned for another couple beers from the bartender.

"Hi Sam." She said. "So do we make out for the guy you were with or what?" She said with a grin, partly playing for the bartender. Who knew who Dean would talk to. "He's watching you know. I don't do threesomes. But I will take a beer." She said with a laugh as she watched Dean out of the corner of her eye make his way over to a waitress half spilling out of her shirt. And she was skanky?

"He's my brother. Thinks I'm going to crash and burn over here. Am I?" Sam asked, continuing to play the game. "Cause if I am... at least talk to me for a bit first otherwise I will never hear the end of it." He said with a broad boyish grin. This time it actually reached his eyes. In spite of everything, he was comfortable with Ruby. More comfortable with her than the angels his brother kept company with.

"I can talk to you for a bit." She said with a grin. At least he was smiling again. That was a start. "Wouldn't want your brother to tease you after all. That would just be horrible. But now you owe me."

He leaned in a little, it wasn't hard to let his body language drift to something a little more personal. It might not have been this body, but t he entity within was definitely familiar to him. "Do I? Tell me...what is it I owe you?" He let his voice drop into a soft rumble, faintly reminiscent of his father's deeper more smoky tones.

She laughed softly as her hand rested on his arm. "Oh you really do owe me. I always come with presents." She said as she leaned into his ear. "This one's dead too." She didn't have a roommate in this body. The soul was long gone. She'd jumped in moments after they disconnected life support.

"I think you like the solitary life." He said softly. "Cause you can't just be doing this for me." He didn't think for an instant she was lying. He got up from the bar stool. "Let's get out of here." He said. "And I'll see about paying that debt in full." He added then glanced over at his brother and gave a half nod, to let him know he was leaving

"Much easier not having a roommate. They always tend to interrupt at really bad times." She said as she paid her tab and slid off the bar stool. "You should see my new place."

"Yeah... I think I should." He said, even though he knew he shouldn't. Ruby was a very bad idea, but at the same time, she had kept him alive, kept him safe from himself after Dean died. And he was lonely. God help him, he was lonely with a huge gaping empty hole inside that he just didn't know how to fill. Even with Dean back, ever since the angels had made their appearance, Sam had felt the emptiness growing.

It was after, when some of the holes were filled for the moment that she spoke of what she knew. Lying in a fairly cheap hotel, wrapped up in thin hotel sheets, she looked at Sam, lying next to her. "I've narrowed down where Pazuzu is. But he's high up on the echelon. I know he won't talk to me, no matter how cute I am."

"Will he talk to me?" He asked her. It was hit and miss with the demons these days. All depended on whether or not they wanted hell on earth or if they wanted to keep the earthly plane a bedroom community. Some of them would talk, others just wanted to talk him to death, literally. He knew that they had to do something regardless of whether or not the angelic crowd approved. They had to stop Lilith before the so called good guys destroyed humanity trying to save it from the bad guys.

"I passed word around while you were bonding with Dean." She said. "He'll blow through a town not far from here next week. If he wants to meet with you, he will. He's a little particular. Think you can ditch Dean for the meeting?" She said, running a hand down his bare chest. "He'll throw a fit, try to stop you. Or worse, want to come with."

"Yeah, I'll think of something. Might even use you as an excuse." He said. "So what are we calling this new and improved you?" Definitely improved since there was no one in there but her. "I' m not the name forgetting type, although that was a nice save when they came to the door. He's going to ask your name." He said as he stroked her long red hair. He hadn't lied. He really did like red hair. Although he figured that was about as cliché as Dean's interest in Hooters. Just one of those things that men found attractive. Red hair, green eyes and firm breasts. He wondered what Dean didn't find attractive in her. Maybe it was that Sam was interested... or maybe he was still picking up on things and didn't realize it yet.

"So you're supposed to know my name? Her name was Rachel." She said. "Are the angels still hanging about?" She asked. They were the ones that scared her. Not Dean, not Sam, even with his psychic exorcism powers. Worst Sam could do is send her to hell. The angels could destroy her. Forever. And she wasn't ready for that.

Sam's jaw twitched. "Yeah they're still around." He grumbled and lay his head back on the pillows. He was definitely not happy about that one either. "Not exactly what I had in mind as angels go...and I never believed in fluffy winged children as angels. I just never expected callous bastards with no regard for human life either."

She rolled on top of him, her hair veiling them both as it fell off her shoulders. Her weight was hardly anything at all. "You never expected demons to be helpful either. Or anything else."

"You aren't like the other demons I've encountered." He said as he caressed her sides, loving the feel of her soft skin. It really was her skin now. The host having gone on to her reward before. He kissed her tenderly, feeling that he was wanted here, accepted as what and who he was. Something he couldn't say anywhere else, even with his brother. He rolled them over, kissing her deeply.


	3. Prayer

* * *

Chapter three: Prayer

_Another nightmare about to come true  
Will manifest tomorrow  
Another love that I've taken from you  
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering  
Another taste of the evil I breed  
Will level you completely  
Bring to life everything that you fear  
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening_

* * *

Dean pulled at the collar of his cassock uncomfortably. It wasn't enough that monks h ad to live without sex, without any vice, without even a single sinful thought. No, they had to be cloistered without porn in the most uncomfortable clothes he'd ever worn. At least prison jumpsuits were comfortable, if scratchy at times. This was beyond all that.

Dean Winchester had worn many outfits in his career. Priestly garb, suits numerous times, lab coats. He had so many fake IDs and badges it was hard sometimes to keep them straight. He had one for every occasion, from Homeland Security to Bikini Inspector to Teddy Bear doctor. And Sam had said that one would never come in handy!

He still had the first fake badge he'd ever made, he was thirteen, and it was for the Herkimer County Sheriff's office in Upstate New York. Of course, he could never use it, he'd made it for his dad. For Father's Day, once he'd heard they were headed up that way for a job. And it had worked. The look of pride on his father's face was something he never forgot, so he honed his craft until he was one of the best there was. If he ever got out of hunting (which he didn't think he ever would) he could always go into that racket.

Hunting was in his blood. From both sides of his family, more so on his mom's. His father was an uber hunter. He'd been raised as a hunter, learning the lore and the legends, the spells and the ciphers. The weaponry. The con to make the job go easier.

Like now, outside a bishop's office, posing as an American monk back from Rome itself. But he needed some information on revelations, and this seemed to be a good source. Not like he could get in to see the pope after all. He was in Rome. And that involved one hell of a plane ride he wasn't prepared to take!

"I hear you were in Rome." The bishop said as he ushered the young monk into his office. "How is the Holy See?"

"I saw him from across the room once. Taller than I expected." Dean lied and the bishop nodded.

"So what can I help you with?"

"Revelations." Dean said, might as well get to the point.

"Ah, the most controversial book." The bishop said, shaking his head. "We've all analyzed it throughout our religious lives. I suppose everyone starts there."

"Do you think it can happen?"

"Anything is possible." The bishop said as a priest brought in coffee, then left. "IT's the only book in the Bible that is prophetic, and even that's up for debate. The rest of the Bible is a historical record, of the Hebrews, then of Christ's life. That last book, always problematic. Some believe that it's also a historical record, of Nero's reign in Rome."

"What do you believe?' Dean asked.

"That worst is yet to come. With every age, someone declares a person in power as the Anti Christ. Nero, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, even George W. Bush. Heard Obama mentioned once. But myself? I believe the Anti Christ will work much quieter, not wanting the acclaim that could endanger him until he's unstoppable. The president is out, our country has checks and balances, and elections every four years. Dictators, they don't have very long lives in politics. I believe the Anti Christ will not be in politics, no, he'll be on the front line himself. As all good leaders are."

"Good leader?"

"A good leader is defined by their followers. If they can get people to follow them, they are good leaders. Their motives might be evil, but they are good leaders. George Washington was a good leader. And Hitler was a good leader, people died willingly for him. He swayed a whole country into anti-Semitism. Evil, yes. Definitely. But still a good leader, at least until he lost his mind." The bishop said, stirring in sugar, the spoon clanking against the delicate china.

"So there's a front line?"

"There's always a front line." The bishop said. "Every day we become a culture of death. Racism, war, abortion, poverty, ignoring the needs and wants of people less fortunate. We become enamored with things instead of people. With materials instead of goodness. But the church feels the front lines need solidifying now. I've always wondered on the big push for recruitment. We're always looking to convert, to show people the love of God through our eyes. We have an admittedly scattered and shattered history on that."

"Like the Inquisition."

"Exactly. But the directives from the Holy See are more urgent. There's also been more working with the other sects. Even the Protestants. It's like we're shoring up our defenses." The bishop said. "Are you familiar with the Fatima Prophecies?"

"Sure. Three little girls said Mary talked to them , gave them three secrets. Lots of theories on that last one, that what was revealed wasn't it." Dean said.

"Not even close." The bishop said. "The world isn't ready for it. I haven't read it myself, but I do know the pope at the time, John Paul II, didn't disclose the actual words of Lucia. He released a message of hope and love. It might have been in there, but I think John Paul I was closer, when he said we have to be prepared to suffer, before long, great trials which will require of us the disposition to sacrifice even our life for Christ. That through your prayers and mine, it is still possible to diminish this trial, but it is no longer possible to avert it, because only in this manner can the Church be effectively renewed. How many times has the renewal of the Church been brought about in blood! It will not be different this time. I take that as a foreboding message."

"So the Church h as known the Apocalypse is coming?" Dean asked. "What are they doing about it?"

"The book says the faithful will be saved. We're trying to make as many people faithful as we can, it's all we can do. It can't be stopped."

"What if it could? What if we could stop the seals from breaking?" Dean asked.

"Ah, youth. I remember it well. Everything can be controlled and stopped. Has it occurred to you that this is God's plan?" The bishop said over his coffee. "Our god is a fair loving god, but he's also..."

"Got a bit of a temper problem? Apparently he did flood the earth once."

"Because the world was vile and wicked." The bishop said. "Not unlike now. Why all the talk about stopping the breaking of the seals?"

"What if I told you the seals were breaking?"

"And how would a lowly monk know?" The bishop asked.

"The witnesses rose. Samhain rose. That's two."

"Out of a possible six hundred. And only sixty six need to be broken." The bishop asked, uneasy now in this young man's presence. "You're not a monk, are you?"

"Not so much." Dean admitted. Wondering if he could take off the cassock now then. "What if I were to tell you that I was chosen by God to stop it?"

"I'd say you needed therapy. In fact, I know some good ones." The bishop said, going for his rolodex. Dean stood up and leaned over the desk.

"I'm serious. Believe me, I wish I were crazy. My brother and I have been roped into this. We want this over so we can get back to normal." Dean said.

"Your brother?" The bishop said. "Brothers never fair well in Biblical history. Cain and Abel, Michael and Lucifer..."

"Huh?"

"Michael the archangel. The first being God created. Lucifer, the Morningstar, was first an archangel alongside Michael and others before his fatal sin of pride developed. It was left to Michael to banish his own brother to hell. Some have theorized that it was Michael's weakness that prevented him from killing Lucifer, his brother, and leaving this all to happen. If you were chosen by God to stop this, and for the record I still think you need intensive inpatient therapy, I don't envy you."

"Yeah, I get that a lot. The crazy and the not envy part." Dean said as he finished his coffee and set the cup on the bishop's desk. "We never had this conversation."

"Oh, I've never seen you before." The bishop said.

* * *

Sam was feeling fine that morning until he got to the hotel and room 109 and found Uriel standing post outside it. It was going to start again, he knew it. And frowned deeply when the archangel simply stepped in front of the door not allowing him to pass.

"So what's with the garden of Eden routine?" Sam asked bluntly. He wasn't up to this. Like most people, Sam didn't like being disillusioned. So he had a hard time dealing with the object of his disillusionment. Especially when it was standing in his way.

"You aren't welcome here." Uriel said simply. "You need to know that."

"What?" He asked, eyes widening. "No... You need to get out of my way." He said and pushed his way past the angel. He opened the door and called out his brother's name.

"Dean isn't here. He isn't coming back." Uriel stated. "You and that stain... did you think we wouldn't know?"

"For one, she is helping which is more than either of you have managed to do, and for another Dean wouldn't pack up and leave because I got laid."

"Perhaps... but he is gone. You were slowing him down. Distracting him. Quite honestly I don't understand why he put up with it as long as he has. Hell... changes a man. "

"Yeah... it turns them into demons, but Dean isn't a demon. Dean wouldn't just leave me. He went there to save me. That should tell you something."

"What it tells me is you are a constant reminder of what he went through, and you are squandering his sacrifice. He has a job to do."

"Your job." Sam countered.

Uriel shrugged. "He was brought back from hell to do a job, not to babysit his demon loving brother. He was risking everything. The world and his own soul to keep you happy and safe. "

"So... you saying he picked you over me because of the demon blood? Or because I was having sex with a demon?"

"I'm not saying anything." Uriel said as Sam searched the room for Dean's things, finding only his own. "Other than he is gone, and you are not welcome. " He told Sam as he started to walk toward the door. "And if you care about Dean at all, you won't try and find him. You will only get him sent back to hell."

It was some time before Sam could convince himself that it wasn't some horrible nightmare. He had gone through the motions, all the while growing more numb and losing track of time and in some ways reality. Sam sank to the bed and stared at his hands. He didn't want to believe his brother had actually abandoned him. He hadn't believed it at first.

He had called Dean's cell phone only to find that it was no longer in service. He had tried Bobby's place to see if there was a way to get a message to Dean but even that avenue was closed to him. Even then he didn't believe. Couldn't believe. Dean was the one stable thing in Sam's life. Dean was the one Sam had never doubted or questioned. The man had gone to hell in order to save him. How much more proof did he need that Dean wouldn't leave him?

But he had.

Sam had searched the room only to find his bags sitting neatly on the bed. Nothing more. He had been left a bottle of holy water, a canister of salt, and one pistol in his bags. Dean had taken the rest of the weapons. Sam had his clothing, his computer bag, the small collection of protection supplies and whatever he had on his person. There was no note, no message on his phone. Nothing to tell him that Dean wasn't on the run, or in trouble somewhere, other than the messenger. Uriel.

He could deny the angel's veracity, he could deny that Dean's departure was willing, but he couldn't deny the two in concert. He had nearly died when Dean had been sent to hell. He had sat on his hotel room bed, much as he was now, and stared at a gun, much as he was now. What had stopped him was the fact that he couldn't just leave his brother there. He had to try and save him. Had spent months trying to get someone to talk to him, someone to take the deal, but they wouldn't. By then Ruby had started him down the path of vengeance, using his powers to fight the demons.

Now there was no deal to try and make, there was no vengeance to be had. Dean had left of his own volition. He had left him. Sam wanted to cry, but he couldn't. The tears wouldn't come. But the pain was there, deep, ragged, pain that overwhelmed everything else. He checked the weapon and found it was loaded and set it on the table. The tequila was where he had left it, tucked in his bag from a previous night's pain management. This he set on the table as well.

He was almost completely numb by the time he had finished wiping down every surface in the hotel room. He was going on auto pilot, only half aware of what he was intending. He only knew that he wanted nothing left in the room for Dean to be blamed for, although part of him wondered if Dean had cleaned it himself already, with the same thoughts in mind. He had only left one pistol, no ammo other than what was in the clip. Had he figured Sam wouldn't need it? Was it a message in and of itself? Just in case the archangel had decided to let Sam live? For the barest of instants he regretted wiping down the room so thoroughly. But it passed, anger and resentment replaced by a fresh round of sorrow.

He returned to his chair and downed half of the remaining tequila in one long slow draw. He picked up the gun and took it apart, cleaning even the inner workings. By the time the task was completed and the gun lay before him, well oiled, and free of anything that could be traced back to his brother, the pain had once more turned to anger. They had been doing so well, putting their relationship back in order, becoming brothers again.

The door opened and he found himself staring down the motel manager. "Funny the little turns life takes isn't it?" The man said, and Sam knew the man wasn't walking alone.

"I have enough salt for the open wound, thanks." He told him, keeping an eye on him, not really wanting to just lay down and die at the moment. Not at the hands of some demon. He took another drink of the tequila figuring he was about to get one hell of a frigging head ache.

"Poor little Sammy Winchester. Guess there isn't anyone to protect you anymore. " He said as he moved through the room. "Have to be pretty pathetic to have your own brother abandon you."

"Word sure does get around fast." He said as he put the gun in his waist band. He really wasn't in the mood. Not now. "So what's the plan? Talk me to death? Maybe piss me off enough to attack you so you can show me how big and bad you are?" Sam asked, rolling his eyes.

"The plan is to eat your heart while it's still beating."

"You people need to get some new material. I think I heard that the first time when I was what… 12... 13. " He said as he got to his feet. He sounded bored but the fact was he just didn't care. None of it mattered.

The demon looked at him. "What… no latin? No attempts to blow me away with that famous gun of yours… oh wait… big brother took that with him didn't he. Then again," he said, "maybe the old rituals don't work for you anymore. I hear God has to back those with his own power, I hear he frowns on your kind. Flooded the world to wipe you all out once upon a time … or so the story goes anyway."It tossed a Gideon's Bible onto the table in front of Sam. "Go ahead, open it up and read something. Give me the shivers. Do so-"

Sam raised his hand. "Will you just shut the hell up already?" He said and tilted his head forward, focusing on the man before him, willing the creature within him to come forth. The manager choked and sputtered as the demon resisted. Eventually the man fell to the floor, and the inky blackness oozed around him, eventually pooling and sinking ever downward until it was gone.

Sam yelled then. Howled really. Reality filtered through the emotional haze and sent him spiraling out of control He had lost everything and everyone. He tossed the table across the room, and it splintered against the wall.

He glared at the body on the floor. Empty now but it reminded him of the demon, the taunting, and the truth of his words that still stung. Demons didn't lie if the truth could hurt more. Sam couldn't function, couldn't think, the emotions were overwhelming . The room seemed to waver, going in and out of focus as he spilled salt all over the body, then the rest of the tequila. He struck a match dropped it on the body staring at the flames as the covered the body.

He grabbed his bags and started toward the door, pausing to turn back one last time then tossed the Gideon bible into the flames as well. Once out into the night air he walked slowly and casually away from the motel, not looking back. It was fitting it should burn to the ground. A proper ending. His past salted and burned.

* * *

"What do you mean he's gone?" Dean demanded. He'd come back to the hotel room. Everything was gone, including the whole hotel. So it was probably better to say he'd attempted to go back to the hotel room. He'd been delayed with a priest, a bishop in fact, getting more information on revelations.

The hotel was still smoldering, a few firemen around putting out small blazes.  
And the strangest thing, the thing that hit home, was that all of his things, his clothes, his duffel, his weapons, were neatly piled off in the bushes. Even his phone charger. Everything he had had been saved from the fire. By the person who started it.

Sam.

"Will one of you say something?"

"It's not our job to keep track of your brother." Uriel said impassively. His face not showing one iota of expression. Not even the disdain he usually reserved for when he had to refer to Sam.

"No, it's my job. But I've been doing YOUR job." Dean snapped and ran his hand through his short cropped hair as he paced the parking lot.

"Your brother is resourceful. He survived four months without you." Uriel said as Castiel glanced at him. What was the archangel up to?

"Barely. But you're right, he's my concern, not yours." Dean said as he threw his clothes back into the bag.

"Winchester , you need to stop." Uriel said. Nearly placating. Well, as near placating as someone like him could get. "We're speaking of Armageddon here."

"Blah, blah blah." Dean said. "I'm off until I find my brother." He said as he went into the Impala and pulled out of the parking lot, tires protesting with screech and smoke. "Jesus!" He said, as he went to turn on the radio and found someone in the passenger seat. And it wasn't Sam, who should have been there.

It was an insult that Castiel was there, and not Sam, and Dean braked hard, pulling over to the curb. "What the hell!?" He demanded

"Exactly." Castiel said.

"Not in the mood for mind or word games here. Your buddy said something." Dean said. "I know he did."

"Sam has free will." Castiel said patiently. "Whatever choice he made is his own."

"You don't understand my brother." Dean said. Sam wouldn't leave unless he felt his hand been forced somehow. That much had been ingrained by their father, and that much had stuck.

"If we don't stop the seals from opening, there will be hell on earth. Whether you find your brother by then will be immaterial, because Lucifer will walk, and all will be destroyed." Castiel said. "He's hidden from us, we can't find him."

"What? Is it the demon blood?"

"No." Castiel said, shaking his head with a puzzled expression. "We were able to find him before if we wanted to. Now there's just emptiness."

"Is he dead?" Dean asked, holding his breath.

"No." Castiel said quickly. Dean was on a tight rope of sanity as it was. No sense pushing the man over. "Even when a soul is dead, we can find it." He looked at Dean to make his point. "We found you."

"Fine, he's not dead, but you guys can't find him. Which means I have to find him. You don't understand, the kid goes off alone, he gets in all sorts of trouble. Like hillbilly cannibals, psycho hunters, screwing demons...."

"He's your brother. I appreciate your concern."

"But you're not going to help."

"We have bigger things to worry about."

"Maybe you do." Dean said as he pulled back onto the road.

"We all do." Castiel said. "I don't know where Sam is, or why he left, but the end of the world is coming. All of this, this world, this car, you, your brother , will be lost if we don't stop it. My father, our father, believes....he knows....you can help stop it. It's a huge responsibility, and sometimes it involves sacrifice."

"My brother is not a sacrifice."

"If you don't help us, he's dead anyway." Castiel said. "Or worse, he is after all, the boy with the demon blood. With demon alliances, no matter what the motive. If Hell comes to earth, if Lucifer walks, there is a chance he could go irrevocably dark."

"Like Vader?" Dean scoffed. Castiel didn't understand the reference, so he ignored it.

"We have a lead on the seal. Please, come with us."

Dean pulled over again. Why did Castiel have to be so damn logical? He knew very well the Apocalypse was approaching. Fast too. If he ignored it, this would all end anyway, and finding Sam would be a moot point at that time.

"Fine." He growled. "Where's the seal and how do I contain it?"

"I told you I don't envy you your responsibility. It's a heavy load. And the choices you'll have to make are hard, very hard. And every step on the road it will just get harder. Some of them you won't like, some of them you'd rather die than make. But you're strong." Castiel said, staring straight ahead. "It's important that you keep the path."

"Why do I have to fight your war?" Dean asked. He was annoyed, pissed, that he was constantly backed into this corner. And when Dean was backed into a corner, he fought all the harder to get out, always had. Used to have the scars to prove it.

"It's your war too." Castiel said. "It may have started in heaven, but mortals have done more than their share to bring it to this realm. It will be fought here, on earth. All things have a plan."

"And God's the one holding the manual. Yeah, I got that. I also get that he doesn't let anyone look at it." Dean said, shaking his head as he leaned back in his seat.

"The seal is in Maine. Dark Harbor. It's a long drive, you should stop for coffee and get going." Castiel said as he disappeared.

"It's unfortunate that Samuel didn't kamikaze before you pulled Dean out of hell." Uriel said solemnly as Castiel appeared next to him. In their normal watching position .

"If he had, Dean would have just made another deal, undoing what I have done." Castiel said. "The bond between brothers is unfathomable."

"Oh yes, just ask Abel." Uriel said.

"Or Michael."

* * *

Sam had started walking , not really caring which direction. Just away . His thoughts were shut out by the steady thudding of his foot falls on pavement. He was careful to stay away from roads that his brother might have taken, not that he expected to see him coming back for him. It was more a shunning really. The hours passed and his body ached. He welcomed the distraction.

He saw the parking lot and almost thought he was hallucinating, until he spotted what had to be a road house. There were more motorcycles than cars in the parking lot. He thought about stealing one, but decided he needed a drink more than he needed to be further down the road. After all, where was he going? What was he going to?

He didn't wince as he walked up the steps, even though his legs felt as though they were going to come apart at the knees. He stopped in the door and let his eyes adjust, surveying the room. He spotted a table that was as good as any other and took a seat, waiting silently for the waitress, eyes staring at the table and nowhere else.

The waitress came over and smiled at Sam. "What can I get you, hon?" She asked, thinking he looked a little shell shocked. She had seen it in here before. His girlfriend had probably left him, or been found cheating , or he got sacked. She figured she would be pouring him into a taxi before the night was done.

"Tequila." He said. "Bring the bottle, keep the limes." He said putting a 20 on the table.

Definitely the girlfriend, she thought. "You sure you don't want something to eat with that?" She asked, he looked like someone that her mother would approve of if she hadn't met him in a bar, asking for a bottle of tequila.

"No." He said. "I'm not hungry." He didn't think it would stay down. His stomach was tied up in knots.

"Suit yourself sweetie, but don't say I didn't warn you." Yeah he was going to be draped over the table, crying in his cups before the night was out. Probably before he got more than three shots into that bottle of his.

Sam returned to staring at the table, not wanting to deal with anyone or anything. But he was too tired to continue on. The waitress was probably right, and he would need to eat, otherwise he wasn't going to get far after leaving this place. He was going to have to steal a car. He couldn't keep walking. He might not have a destination yet, but he would as soon as he had a heading on Lilith. With Azazel dead, the next on his list was Lilith. And anyone else that tried to take her place.

The waitress returned and Sam forced a smile. "Thanks, you know… I think I could use a little something to eat. "

She returned the smile. "What would you like?"

He shrugged. "Not much for decisions right now. Why don't you surprise me. Whatever you like best is fine."

He took the top off of the bottle and poured his first glass. He took out a journal very much like his father's and started writing in it. You couldn't draw sigils on a computer screen. A little hard to set up at every turn as well.

He wrote down all the relevant information on Lilith, putting in her sigil for summoning. He looked at the sigil, and the one he had p laced next to it, a binding sigil from the key of Solomon, then started making notes on the side, mathematical equations corresponding to certain Kabalistic traditions.

He looked up at the waitress as she brought over his food, and closed his book. "Thanks." He said wearily. "Smells good."

"Are you okay?" She couldn't help but ask. He just looked so haunted. His eyes were so much older than his features. So sad. The look that passed across his features momentarily was heart breaking, but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"I will be." He said, knowing that anything else he said wouldn't be believed anyway. "Thanks for asking though."

The man waited until the waitress moved away, then strolled over to the table. Sat down uninvited, and put his boots on the table. Eyes hidden below a baseball cap worn low over his eyes, he snatched the journal and opened it up.

"It's not right." He said, his voice more of a quiet rumble than an actual quiet voice. "This won't hold her alone. You'll need to come up with more, boy, if you want to join the game in the big leagues. This ain't t-ball."

"Yeah, well I am working on it. These things take time. Unfortunately we don't have a lot so if you have any suggestions I am open to it. Cause the only Key of Solomon I have access to is on the internet and probably so full of holes you could use it for cheese cloth." He said bluntly. He was too numb to care that h e was talking to a pagan god. One that put every other one they had met to shame. He supposed he should be respectful but he had issues with gods right now. But then again... this one was here... and considering helping. He hoped. "I know Solomon used to bind entities. But I don't know where to begin looking for that ritual." He adjusted himself in his chair. "Can I get you anything?" He offered.

"A pencil." Pazuzu said. "And hot sake. You don't know what you're doin g, and you think that failing just means you lose your soul and your life. Yeah, that happens. But it's a seal all on its own if you fail. Are you ready? I don't have time for those that aren't. Or hesitate."

Sam handed over a pencil, and motioned for the waitress, and ordered the Sake. Strangely enough they had it.

"You're right. I don't know what I am doing, that's why I'm looking for those that do. I'm not going to hesitate. Ready? " He sighed. "No one is ever ready to face her. But I am going to. One way or another because I'm the one that has to do it. " He was even more determined than ever to do it. He had no other purpose in life just then. Not merely because of Dean abandoning him. Although that made it not matter one way or the other if he survived. He wanted to stop Armageddon. He didn't think the Angels were going to keep listening to Dean for too long. Uriel had a case of blood lust. Probably because he didn't think of humans in a favorable light.

Pazuzu glanced at Sam, a hint of dark red in his eyes nearly hidden by the cap. He wasn't foolish. He wasn't going to come into a hunters' den completely undisguised. He'd left the scorpions outside. He made a few quick strokes of his pencil over the drawing Sam had made.

"If you fail, Lilith will eat your soul. And use you to open another seal." He sighed. "I hate that bitch, really do. I would love to see her head on a plate. It takes more than one to go against her. You'll need a team. Gather it together and you have a shot." He said, handing the journal back, taking a long drink of sake.

Sam looked over the changes he had made and nodded. "Oh... I get it." He said looking at the changes. He looked up then. "You want to be part of that team?" He asked. He knew who he would rather have there but wasn't sure that was possible. Bobby might side with Dean entirely on t his whole abandon Sam kick. Not that he would want to but when two angels were staring you down threatening to send you to hell it makes it hard to resist.

"If I join, it would be at the last moment just to see her fall." Pazuzu said. "I am a god. I don't follow man, they follow me. Arrogant, yes? Earned, yes? The answer you want? No. But if it looks like you can pull this off, I would make an appearance. I would even be...helpful."

"That's all I ask." Sam said. "I can't contain her. I don't think anything devised by man alone can. But I believe that a combination of Solomon's seal, and your strength could do it. I know it's a lot to ask. I hope that you'll be able to help. " He said, looking over the additions to his work. "Any one you recommend going to for further information?" He asked. Knowledge was what he had to fight Lilith with. There was no way sending her to hell was going to be enough, and he didn't believe she could be destroyed. So she had to be contained. "I know someone who can make the vessel. I don't know if he will want to, but I think he will."

"I think at the end of the night you'll find you have all you need." Pazuzu said, swinging his legs off the table and standing up. "Just be careful who you trust. Actually, no one can be trusted. Incredibly lonely place to be, but that's where you are."

"Yeah I had that made plain today." He said, although not the way he thought. "Thank you." He knew this was an honor. A pagan god had come to see him. This time without intent of eating him. He had learned his lesson about expecting anyone to care that he knew it was an honor though. "I suppose you will know when the time is... or should I find a way to send word out again?"

"I'll know. And if it looks like you'll succeed, you'll see me." He said, laying out money for the sake and taking the bottle with him. "Keep watch. Nothing is as it appears. Nothing."

That he was starting to learn as well. But he nodded to Pazuzu and waited for the man to be gone before pouring himself another shot of tequila. By the end of the night? He had a maybe. It was a solid maybe but it was a maybe. Sam had his doubts but he wasn't going to let that stop him. But first things first. He had to get money for a hotel room. Dean would know what names he would use on credit cards and cell phones, so those were out for now. But there was one way he knew to make money that had no strings attached to be traced.

He took another shot, then walked over to the pool table "Hey... mind if I play?" He said.

"Grab a cue man." The guy said. And was soon out serious money. Even as he kept trying to get it back.

Sam didn't take his last 5 bucks, refusing to play anymore, and said good night. He gathered his gear and stepped out into the parking lot and surveyed the pickings. He looked at the cars and changed his mind, going instead for one of the many motorcycles parked outside. He was headed down the road, at break neck speed, only slowing down when he had reached a town that looked promisingly quiet.

He didn't stay in the roach haven rest that he normally would have. Instead he checked into an inexpensive pay by the week place, getting himself a kitchenette and cable TV for his trouble. He showered and shaved, before coming out and laying down on the only bed in the room, hating that feeling again. That all alone in the world nobody loves me, everybody hates me feeling that he really wished he could banish away to hell as easily as he did lesser demons these days.

So he turned on the TV, the back ground noise taking the edge off the loneliness as he began searching the internet again.

Ruby insistently banged on the door. She should just pick the lock and storm in. But if he'd laid down salt, she'd just make a fool of herself. That was his one big flaw, he knew how to keep her out. "Sam?" She said through the door. It had taken long enough to find him. A week, he disappeared off the grid. So had Dean too. But separately, she'd found that out at least.

Sam heard her voice, and strode to the door, opening it. He looked around before kicking aside the salt and pulling her inside. "What is it?" He asked as he closed the door. He hadn't really expected her to follow him. When Dean had abandoned him he pretty much figured he was alone in the world again. He didn't think it was possible for Ruby to really care about him. Demons didn't love. And if his brother who loved him more than his own life had left him... why would a demon stay?

"What is it? That's it?" Ruby demanded, smacking him on the chest. "You say you're going to check on Dean, next thing I know the motel is in flames, and neither of you can be found. By anyone." She said, noting the single bed in the room. "What happened?" She asked more gently.

The hard demeanor he had been working on for a week fell and Sam sat down on the bed and sighed. "Dean... left. Decided I was a liability and left without me." He said, sounding very much lost. He didn't say anything more on the subject. It was still an open wound. Always would be. Something like that just didn't heal.

Ruby sat down on the bed beside him. They were right back where they started, even if Dean left the first time under different circumstances. It hadn't been easy to pull Sam back from that. "I'm sorry." She said, because there was nothing else to say.

"Yeah, me too." He said. This time there wasn't even vengeance to be had. It was just... what it was. " I met with Pazuzu tonight." He said quietly, and described the encounter. "So... are you still on board for this?" He wasn't sure it was a good idea. "I don't want you at the battle but ... I could really use your help before then."

"Oh I'm in....and what do you mean you don't want me there?" She asked. "I want Lilith off the earth. I am so sick of that bitch, you have no idea. Do not tell me you've bought into appearances, yeah the body is little. Yeah, I like the body. But I'll put this one back on life support and go get a bigger one if I have to. I'm a freaking witch, Sam. I know more about spells and things than in any of your books. And you don't want me there. When you're going to need the most back up."

"She wants you dead, Ruby, or worse. She sent you to hell last time you met her and took your body. I don't want that to happen again. Next time she might finish the job." He told her without looking at her. "Right now... I can't lose you too."

"Sam....Sam, look at me." She said as she turned his face toward hers. She was in a little body, but the body still held a demon. "Okay." She said. "I won't be there. Just tell me what you need me to do besides being there." That's how she saved him before, by focusing him.

He sighed in relief. He didn't love Ruby. He knew that, but right now she was his anchor. He couldn't afford to be set adrift again. "I need a few things that aren't going to be easy to come by... and I need to put together a team to do it. People preferably because most demons won't be able to handle the rite. I'm going to summon and bind Lilith."

"What? Are you insane? Please, don't answer that." She said holding up her hand. "Okay, wow. This could go all sorts of wrong, you know that, right?" She got up and paced, running her hands through her long hair. "Wow. Okay. I have some connections in the occult world. Humans."

"Do you really think she can just be killed, Ruby?" He said in a calm voice. "S he was the second human ever created. She is immortal. Never cursed with mortality because she was already out of the garden when they were cast out. She had abilities even then. Now that she is a full blown demon on top of that? I don't think it can happen. I don't think hell could hold her if I managed to send her back."

"I know, I know." She said. "It could just go very wrong, that's all I'm saying. So when she's bound, where does she go then where she can't be found? Is there a place?"

"I'll make sure it gets into Dean's hands somehow. He can get it to the Angels. What they do with it is their problem. " He wasn't going to worry about it. They wouldn't want her released so it didn't matter. "Your connections, if they are willing, would be a great help. They can't have gotten their powers from demons though. You know why." He said. "The hard part is going to be getting my hands on that ritual. Parts of it are in the Keys of Solomon...but not all. Pieces were intentionally kept out."

"I'll find you a white coven." Ruby said with a sigh. If anyone asked her, it was a good thing Dean was gone. He had been holding Sam back, and was far too judgmental for his own good. And Sam's for that matter. So if Dean was whisked off by the halo boys, which was fine and dandy with her, as long as Sam made it through.

He nodded. "Okay. " He said. "I have a few connections I can look up. None of them will be happy to see me but right now it doesn't matter. I need that ritual... " He needed a lot of things not the least of which was to wake up and find that this week had been a dream and Dean was in the bathroom singing loudly to Metallica as it played in his head.

"What you need to do is sleep." She said, pushing him on his back. "I mean it. You look like shit. And you're planning on taking on Lilith of all demons like this? Sleep willingly or I'll hold you down until you do. The only way to get rid of me right now is to exorcise me, and we both know you won't do that right now." Right now, that was always the phrase with him. She was playing with fire and she didn't even care. "Right now, you need me." She said.

"I know." He said as he lay there staring at the ceiling. "But I don't know if I can." His dreams were disturbing, yet somehow empty and hollow. "Can you teach me to use the other powers I have as well? " He asked her. "The ones that we all had."

"I can try." She said. "Sam, you're getting really deep into it already. You wanted to stay off the radar to a degree. Taking on Lilith on this magnitude....not going to happen."

"I'm wearing the medallion all the time, breaking patterns, not using credit cards or cell phones... how much lower should I go? We don't have forever, you know. She only has sixty six seals to break."

"Less." Ruby reminded him . She knew of three that had been broken. And a few averted. "Sixty six out of six hundred. How do you like those odds?"

"I don't. That's why I want to do this. Summon her, bind her, and stop it once and for all." Sam said. Although he had to admit there was a degree of vengeance there as well. Even if Dean had cut his losses, he could do this much for him. For Lilith being contained by him, kept from completing her task, would be worse than death or hell. Eternity alone... he couldn't think of anything worse.

"She killed your brother in front of you. It's okay to want payback." She said. "We'll get you that pay back. And we can work on those abilities of yours." This made it a good thing that Dean wasn't around anymore. Dean distrusted those abilities, and even guilted Sam into not using them.

"It's going to take everything I have to pull this off. And once it's done... I don't know that either side is going to want to let me live." He looked at her then. "So... if you want to leave then, I understand. Just stay with me till it's done." She kept him together, focused and on target. He had a feeling that was why she slept with him. Not out of any emotional attachment. Demon after all.

When it was done, he was going to be dangerous to be around. On the radar in a big way. And if the ritual worked, even though it was straight from God's lips to Solomon's ears, the angels, Uriel especially, was going to be pissed at being used. Then of course there was Samael. His girlfriend was going to be bound for eternity. He wasn't going to like that at all. The demons following Lilith weren't going to like it.

Yeah that was a good time for all parties involved to stay the hell away from Sam Winchester.

"Maybe we could bury it in the salt flats out in Utah." He said. "Well I could anyway." Maybe Dean... or Bobby. He had to get those thoughts out of his head . There was never going to be any real contact with Dean ever again. That had been made clear.

"Maybe Bobby Singer." Ruby said. "I always liked him." Though he didn't trust her, and probably didn't like her, he kept the anti demon comments down to a faint rumble as she helped him rebuild the colt.

She wasn't, however, going anywhere. But now was not the time to convince Sam of that. He wouldn't believe it anyway. No matter how much he lit up the radar when this was all over, it had been far more dangerous to help him last year, before Dean died. She'd already paid for that, and survived.

Sam nodded and sat up again, he remembered something he had seen in the internet version of the keys of Solomon. "There is a way I think, to get the information I need. Not sure how it will work out, but I'm gonna try it." He couldn't sleep. He hadn't tried, but he knew it wouldn't work. Not yet. He had been here before. Twice. Only this time there was no one to blame but himself. Or Dean, and blaming Dean was something he couldn't bring himself to do.

"Sam, I was serious about holding you down until you slept." Ruby said with a sigh as she watched him log onto his lap top. "Okay, fine, what's the bright idea?"

He scanned down the pages to the ritual in question, the one for revealing secret information. "This is what I have in mind. And I can't sleep, Ruby... I just can't. Maybe once this is done, I don't know." He said as he turned the lap top for her to see.

She read it and nodded. "Shouldn't be too hard to pull off. You'll need a few things, do you have them?" She asked. "And I can make you tired enough to sleep you know."

He smiled a little in spite of himself. "I know you can. But not tonight. I have most of what I will need. I want to do this first, then you can pin me down all night if you want. " He wasn't in the right state of mind to have sex. It wouldn't be right. Just using her as a sedative wasn't something Sam was ready to do.

She rolled her eyes but had to chuckle. "I was talking more about herbs and stuff. Like belladonna, crap like that." She said. "You are SUCH a guy." She managed to tease him as she made a list of things the ritual would need. It was fairly simple, material wise.

Sam smiled. "At least something about me is normal." He said, as he pulled out what he had, that was on the list.

"You know if you don't stop them, this is a major seal. One that the churches of the world have been watching for millennia to see." Uriel said as Dean walked into the hotel room. "You can't afford to screw this one up. "

Dean threw his bag on the bed and set up the room. Too bad salt didn't keep angels out. "Wow, great pep talk. I'm glad we had this little moment. Now go." He said. Uriel was behind Sam's disappearance, he knew it. He just couldn't prove it. And unfortunately, right now he needed Uriel, so he'd use him for a while. Didn't mean he'd tolerate being spoken to like another mud monkey.

Everything was happening fast. Bobby hadn't heard from Sam. No one had heard from Sam. He'd just...disappeared. And that bothered Dean. Who knew what trouble the kid was getting into? He'd gone to hell for his brother, and right now he felt like he was back there.

" I don't think you are taking this seriously." He said. "You of all people can't afford to not take this seriously." Uriel hated having to deal with this creature. He was almost as bad as his brother. There wasn't a taint in his blood but he had sold his soul, the one thing divine in these creatures and he had cast it aside for what? To bring back an abomination. Now it walked around carrying with it the stench of hell. He did not question the Lord's choices. But he didn't have to like them.

"I'm taking this seriously." Dean said. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm working my ass off here. I've got a whole list of new scars and injuries to prove it. Everywhere you've sent me, I've gone and done the damn job. What more do you want from me? I know what's at stake, stop talking to me like I'm a freaking idiot. I'm doing YOUR job because the big bad angel can't handle it. And what am I getting in return? Insults, put down s and a missing brother."

"Did you think your escape from Hell would come for free?" Uriel said. "You act as though you are some holy warrior. The truth is, you do this because you don't want to go back. You made your choices, you haven't been cleansed of them. You mock us, you mock GOD in your anger. At least your brother didn't commit blasphemy. Probably the only sin he hasn't committed. He left of his own free will. No one forced him to do anything. He left you. Stop blaming others for his choices. And yours."

"My choices? Well, where was God when Azazel rounded up my brother and others? Where was God when Jake severed his spinal cord? Where was God when I was in a coma and my dad had deal with a demon for my life? Where was God that night in my brother's nursery? Where was God when my mother held my father's dead body in her arms? Huh? Where is God now?"

"GOD is keeping you alive, but telling me no. God ordered you retrieved from a hell you chose for yourself. No one made those women agree to Azazel's offer. They made their deals just as you and your father did. Your mother could have accepted your father's death and moved on, your father could have accepted yours and you could have accepted Sam's. People die every day, and other people who know less about how dark it can be, deal with it. They grieve and move on with their life. God isn't here to give you what you want in life. He isn't your own personal body guard or Santa Claus. God is GOD he is the almighty, the creator of all things. He is there to be worshipped you ... creatures... were created to worship and commune with him but all you do is break his heart. Until you need something. Then you are down on your knees begging for all you are worth, and blaming him for your own foolishness when the answer is no. " He said stepping closer to Dean, anger in his dark eyes. "You rant and rail at me and I have to take it. But you do not speak of The Father ... MY Father... in this manner again. That I will not tolerate."

"Or you'll do what?" Dean asked, with a smirk. "Kill me? That's against your orders, remember? Your god wants me alive. Your god. Not mine. Every choice I've made it's because I want my family. But at the end of the day, because God has a job for me to do, I don't have one. I'm not a stupid man, mud monkey or not. You were behind Sam's leaving; so you've just cost me the one thing on this earth I would willingly die for. Or hell, live for. I'm doing the job the best I can, but do not speak of a benevolent god who only wants me to love him. I've never prayed for his help, I've never asked for his help, because I know he won't give it, and I don't like to waste time. Now I'm going to save this freaking planet, and I'm going to save mankind. Because that's my job, and saving people is something I've been doing for a long time, God ordered or not. I've been fighting against demons my whole life." He said as he started to load his guns. "And before you forget, it was ME that killed a fallen archangel. Plain old mud monkey Dean."

"And why do you think that is, Dean?" Uriel asked. "Because there is something special about you? Please, we all know what you think of yourself. Why you really sacrificed yourself for your brother. Your father did it so that he wouldn't have to be the one to kill Samuel when the time comes. Figured he could better leave that job to you. You? You did it because you figure Sam is better than you and more deserving of life. Because you figure you deserved hell anyway. Greater love? No... just plain old self loathing." He told him. "You killed Azazel because Samuel Colt made a weapon that could do it for you. Because your father's spirit survived a year of hell, and pulled him off of you long enough for you to get the weapon and kill him." H e said and looked Dean over. "Don't feel too proud. You are nothing but a loaded weapon pointed in the right direction." Then he was gone.

"Yeah, I know." Dean said to empty air. "Daddy's blunt instrument. Well, you know what? I'm done. I'm freaking done." He said as he tossed his guns back into the bag and walked out, slamming the door behind him, heading to a bar. That's where all self loathing bastards went.

"Ouch... I a m betting you aren't here for the beer today." The bartender said. "I'd ask what her name was but not sure it matters." He looked Dean over. "Tequila or bourbon?" This was going to be one of those days, if the hard cases were coming in this early in the night.

"You're right. It doesn't matter. I'm just a bastard who hates himself and is on strike." He said and chuckled. "Tequila please." He said. It was one of those nights already. Bad enough he couldn't sleep, and was drinking far more than he should already. But it wasn't even happy hour and he was hitting the tequila. Definitely not holy warrior material. What was God thinking putting him in charge? Well, he was done. He was pretty much going to go to hell when it was all over anyway, might as well let hell come to him. Saved him the bus fare.

"It really is a rough night then." He said and poured a shot. "You want to just buy the bottle?" He asked. This was a bar fight waiting to happen. Yep it was going to be a rough night. He just hoped it didn't end with a lot of broken glass that was gonna come out of his paycheck, because he sold this guy a bottle. But he looked like he needed a case to chase away whatever was perched on his shoulder right now.

"How about two?" Dean said with a hint of a grin. He saw the bartender's look. "I'll take them over in that corner, see if I can stay out of any fights tonight." No matter how badly he wanted to get into one. He felt better when he was hurt, as if he were human and mattered. He took the bottles, left the shot glasses and retreated to a dark corner. Drinking straight from the bottle, he couldn't believe everything had ended up like this. Why should he even try anymore?

Castiel settled into the seat across from him and looked at him silently for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to smooth this over. He knew the guilt button would work if pressed at the right time. But sitting in a bar wasn't the place to do it. It was too easy to imagine the sins of the others because humans had a strange view of sin. They always had. It's a shame they didn't listen more closely.

Dean was halfway through the bottle. He had had a high tolerance before hell. It just got higher after. Along with his pain tolerance. But he put the bottle down and stared back at Castiel for a long moment. "Go. Away." He said, picking the bottle back up. This was the guy, angel, who got him into this whole mess. He could still feel the mark on his shoulder. He didn't ask to be taken out of hell, Uriel was right, he'd gone there willingly. It was a sadistic place, but he was prepared to stay there. Instead he got roped into a holy war that so far had cost him everything. Sobriety, peace of mind, his brother. The ability to sleep at night.

"I can't do that." He said quietly, tiredly. "Uriel... forgets that you don't truly understand. " Castiel said. "Under the circumstances, he is allowed to be ... surly." Even Castiel had difficulty with it most days, but he didn't have an archangel's temperament. Or an archangel's weight of responsibility. He was a guardian. He had been watching over the Winchesters their entire lives. Unable to interfere, more than a spark of inspiration here, a serendipitous find there. He had been charged to keep them alive, if possible, but never to interfere. He had become familiar with them. He knew them. Uriel did not.

"Well, I'm allowed to be surly too. And I don't give a fuck if he understands. I don't care if I understand. I'm done. Find another mud monkey to be your bitch. I'm out." Dean said as he took another long pull from the bottle. "I mean it, so leave."

He sighed then. Long and slow. A disappointed sigh. "No... If you are done, you should leave. Because one of us must stop the seal from opening. If not you... then we must eliminate the problem." He told Dean, knowing he understood what he was referring to. "You aren't the only one to lose a brother, Dean. I do understand what you are feeling. As does Uriel."

"Why should I leave?" Dean said. "Go ahead and destroy the town. It's all going to end anyway. Because your god, father, whatever, decided to give Lucifer a time out instead of eliminating the problem then. But I' m supposed to smile and go along with the plan, though no one's ever shown my family that much mercy. I told you from the start you had the wrong guy. You should have believed me. Uriel couldn't kill his brother, but if it comes down to it, I'm supposed to kill mine without a blink? Isn't that a little too much to ask? Sam's gone. I don't know where he is. I can't keep the kid safe, no matter how many seals I stop from breaking."

"No one is asking you to kill Sam." Castiel said. "We killed our brothers ... in the war... because there was no choice. A war that was started because the god you don't believe loves you, in fact does. The war in heaven was started over your race. The books like to say that Lucifer wanted to place himself above our Father. No... He put himself above your people." He said honestly. "We killed... and were killed by our brothers for your sake. " He told him, even though he thought it should be obvious. "Azazel was one of our best. One of the brightest lights in heaven. Then he wasn't. In an instant the choice was made, lines were drawn and he wasn't at our side any longer. But he was our brother. Even the moment he was destroyed he was our brother." He hoped what he was saying wasn't falling on deaf ears. "You speak of your family and what you have lost for our sake. Remember that we have lost as much for you. Like you, we resent the loss. And like you, we have work to do no matter the pain it causes. " He rose then. "I don't know where Samuel is. But I do know that he hasn't lost his way. " He said. "There is still hope for Samuel... don't fail him by giving up now. "

"I'm nothing but a loaded weapon pointed in the right direction, remember?" Dean said. "I've busted my ass for you guys, and all I get is told I'm basically nothing. Just a waste of flesh really. Why'd you pull me out of hell? Why me? Someone else would have been better for this than me; I don't think I have anything left to give."

"Uriel speaks in anger. Do you think it was just Lucifer's faction that resented your place in our Father's heart? Many of the archangels resented it. Resented it even more once the war began. The difference being they didn't let their bitterness drive them from our Father. Uriel resents that we must depend on you. But the fact is...it was always meant to be you, Dean. I know that isn't fair, and it may not seem right. But it is. You are the one. No matter how much you fight it. No matter how hard you drink and whore yourself, it won't change the fact that you are a good man. You are the one that must do this. Because no one else can."

"Oh, no pressure there, Dean. Buck up little soldier, and keep your powder dry." Dean said as he finished bottle and opened the second one. "The sun will come out tomorrow, it's only a day away. The night is darkest before the dawn, don't lose your head, am I forgetting anything? I sold my soul to hell. When I die, I know I'm going back. And my brother probably won't even give two shits. Maybe not even one. So I'm supposed to do this because it's some pre ordained plan? What happened to free will?"

"You are exercising it right now. You have the choice to walk away. I can't stop you. Not even God can stop you. I have hope that you will not forsake the world because of an argument with Uriel. Or even because Sam chose another path. Do you love him any less because of that? Is this because you want to punish him? Go back to hell and maybe it will... do what? Hurt his feelings?"

"Leave Sammy out of this." Dean said. "I'm just tired. I'm tired of always having to be the one. Dean, watch after your brother. Dean, watch out for your brother," he now knew the difference in what his father meant, "Dean, save your brother or kill him. Dean, one year or Sam's dead. Dean, save the world or stand back and watch it end. All the choices are horrible, how is that free will? Save the world and at least everyone else is happy, or let it end and everyone's miserable. Or dead. How is that a valid choice?"

"They are the only choices there are. Free will doesn't mean all the choices will be pleasant ones " Castiel said. "Doesn't mean that you have any choices that won't cost you something. It just means you are allowed to choose." He stated. "One thing you will not be allowed to choose is to suicide here at our hands. Uriel will take you out of this town if he must. As I said... you are the only one that can stop Armageddon. Just as Sam is the only one that can stop Lilith."

Dean looked at Castiel. "Perfect." He said. He could track Sam that way. Make all sides happy. At least the sides that counted. "Come on, I've got a seal to keep, well, sealed."

Castiel nodded and go t up, fading from view. He found Uriel and took his place beside him.

"Don't start." Uriel said, still scowling, still angry.

"He was chosen. Nothing beyond that matters. Not his brother, not his attitude, not your pain. He is chosen of God, and we don't have time for another whale. "

"A whale might show him some respect. How can he be chosen of God if he doesn't even believe?" Uriel asked. "I understand God loves the m above all others, but some just don't deserve it."

"He chose the one that could get the job done. Those who love him the most in this era would never do what needs to be done. It is important that we don't lose them. Both of them, Uriel. "

"You've become attached." Uriel scoffed. "Guardian angels. Think you know everything. Your view is centered only on the Winchesters. I have to see the forest for the trees, you forget. Sam Winchester is not my concern. He shouldn't b e yours, either. He's chosen the stain over all others. To use his demon abilities even when explicitly told not to. His brother went to hell because of him. He's a liability."

"He is with the demoness because you drove him away, Uriel. You lied. Not directly but by omission and implication. I know all that I need to know. When I need to know more it will be revealed to me. I have not been relieved of my duties. I am still his guardian as well as Dean's. I could not stop you, and I will not reveal what was done. Better there be doubt in Dean's mind than to know the truth. Do not let your hatred of mankind, overshadow why we are here, and what we are here to do."


	4. How long is the Night

* * *

Chapter Four:How long the night

_I'm falling down  
And you're not here to break my fall  
I shut my eyes when you're around  
I hold my breath to kill the sound of your voice  
I'm falling down.  
And you're not here to break my fall_

* * *

Letting Ruby into his hotel room had a downfall. A pretty big one too. When the salt line was breached, anything could get in. And anything did. Quietly. He wasn't here for conversation. He was here to deliver, and that was it.

May God the heavenly father forgive him for this. Actually, this would probably be the key to his full forgiveness. But people, even angels, felt what they did. And old habits were hard to break. Lilith, for example, was one hard bad habit to break. She made him feel complete, after the war in heaven he hadn't felt that way. He had stayed in God's grace by choosing the side of the angels instead of the fallen, but he still felt empty as he slaughtered his brothers.

With Lilith, the blood on his hands hadn't mattered. The blood on hers hadn't mattered. She was beautiful, it was all beautiful. But this time his wife had gone too far. And he'd straddled the fence for long enough. To fool with man was one thing. To let Lucifer out of his exile was quite another as he quietly entered the motel room, seeing the demon and the boy with demon blood asleep on the bed.

The sight might be confusing, or revolting, to some. ; But he was unique in all the world, even in heaven. To him it was nearly hopeful as he gently and quietly laid down the last piece of Sam's puzzle next to the lap top.

Samuel stirred in his sleep, feeling another presence in the room, but he didn't waken. He was exhausted from the lack of sleep, the days of walking, and the ritual... the pain. There was nothing that could rouse him from that deep a sleep. But he felt it, it invaded his dreams and there he knelt before a blinding light, not in fear but in awe.

Samael stood straight when the human moved and looked at him for a long time before laying a hand on the dark haired head. "Shhh. Sleep. You'll need it. Your road is long and hard, but at the end you will understand." He understood why God had given his command. These humans were filled with such love and hope. Strength. It was why they would be the ones to fight. Angels were powerful, but they had no heart, not really. They would give their all because they were commanded to, and perhaps love one entity only second to God. But they were not human.

Sam Winchester was. His brother was. And the demon beside him remembered what being human meant. The world had a chance after all.

They stood in a circle. Nine women in blood red robes. The evil in the room was palpable, heavy and thick like the smell of blood. They chanted and circled their altar, heedless of their victims cries, or screams for help. The girl was so frightened. Her mind had ceased to register the details of what was happening. It had all become a blur after the first night. She had been kidnapped and brought here. The things they had done to her, humiliating things, and now she was going to die. She knew that now. There would be no escape. No police officers busting down the door to save her at the last minute. She was going to be stabbed to death and no one would ever know. This made her angry and it tinged her cries as she struggled against her bonds.

No police officer busted down the door. But Dean did. He'd taken out the guards at the door and let loose the fire hose. This was why he hated school. He was in the basement of an elementary school, and he could hear the chanting from the main entrance. He was certain this was what went on in all schools.

Okay, maybe not. But this was proof that schools were evil as he sprayed the women in red. Putting out their torches, knocking them against the wall.

He had a head ache. He was still slightly drunk. The girl's screaming was NOT helping matters as he put the hose down and cut the bonds at her wrists. "Get your feet." He said, handing her the knife as he turned his shot gun on the women who were coming at him.

"Ladies, ladies. One at a time!" He joked as he shot the rock salt.

Laura took the knife in trembling, numb hands and cut at the ropes at her feet. She didn't know who this man was but she was beyond grateful at the moment. "They're insane." She said with a trembling voice as she moved to stand on rubbery legs behind Dean.

"Winchester." Said one, as she pushed the hood back from her face. "Somehow I thought you'd be taller."

"You can't stop this. " Said another.

"It's going to happen. If not tonight, then tomorrow, or next week. It doesn't matter it's going to happen." A third promised.

"Yeah, we'll see." Dean said. "You guys need new material though. I hear that all the time. Okay, we back out of the room. Trust me, the guards aren't waking up. Then we lock the doors and leave them until the next school day. Sound good?" He said to the girl right behind him.

"Okay... sounds good... very good. " Laura said. "Especially the leaving part. I like the leaving part a lot." She said as she started to back toward the door.

"You can't escape us, Laura. We will find you. This is your destiny. If not us, then others will come after you. You are only making it harder on yourself this way."

"Shut up!" She yelled at them.

Dean got them outside the door and barred it shut. "Hi. I'm Dean." He said with a grin. "Swear this isn't a pick up line, but let me show you my bad ass car. It's great for peeling out of town."

"Sounds like a great idea to me." She said. "I like cars." She was still shaking, and breathless. Right then she didn't care if he was some sort of pervert or even an insurance salesman. He had just saved her life and offered to take her even further away. He had just become her best friend, and her hero.

"Come on." He said, taking her arm to steady her as he rushed out of the school. "It should hold them for a bit, but after that....what did they want with you?" He asked. He knew exactly what her blood letting would do. He just wanted to know why her. Give him a heads up on how to protect her. Or if he had to protect some other girl they'd choose.

"I don't know." She said. "They kept talking about my destiny... that I was born to die at their hands, they're all insane. Absolutely insane. They thought they were going to bring a rain of fire by killing me tonight." She was still shaking as h e got her into the front seat of the Impala, it was all she could do not to cry talking about it.

He shut the passenger door and got behind the wheel, driving quickly through the town. It was a small town, right on the coast of Maine, and probably normally would have been very pretty if Dean hadn't known what was in the basement. "Well, then, we have to keep you out of their hands, don't we?" He said as he drove. "I've got some experience in saving people from psychos dabbling in the occult or supernatural. ; You have family in this town?"

"Not really." She said as she ran a hand through her hair. "I'm ahm... adopted. They turned me over to... " The tears fell then, and she couldn't stop them no matter how much she hated them, "no... I don't have any family. Anywhere."

"Good. Means we can head straight out of town." He said as he increased his speed. "It's okay." He said, handing her a handful of napkins from various drive through places. "So they were raising you to bleed out and bring fire from the sky. Believe it or not, I've heard weirder things."

She actually laughed then. "I feel so much more normal now." Laura wiped at her face, wishing she didn't look like hell. Or at least didn't feel like she needed to bathe in Clorox . "Who knew virgin sacrifice really happened in this day and age? They could have at least had the decency to provide a volcano or a ... a dragon or something."

Dean did a double take at that one. "Virgin sacrifice? Dude, are you shitting me?" He asked. She was a virgin sacrifice? That just figured. Unbelievable too, considering that, well, she was gorgeous. "Wow, guess I can still be surprised."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment." She said. "I wasn't allowed to date in high school, Worked in the family business until... well... yesterday so I didn't get out much." There was just no time really, that and her father and brother would scare everyone off.

"Wow." Dean said, shaking his head. "So you were basically raised in this cult, adopted into it. Guess that means they really thought it was your destiny. You're in luck. I'm a pro at messing with other people's interpretation of destiny." Until he figured something out, she was not leaving his sight. He had to keep that seal closed. While working on others. "We'll drive until we hit Vermont or Massachusetts and get a motel." ; He said.

"Okay... " She said, not really having anywhere else to go, or anyone to go to. "What happens then? Shouldn't we call the police or something?" Although she wondered if that would do any good. In the stories, cults always had connections with the police and the schools. She didn't know if she wanted to call the police really even they weren't connected. All those questions. Things she couldn't explain or didn't want to exp lain.

"And tell them what? That your adoptive family adopted you for the sole reason of sacrificing you to open up the sky for a firestorm?" Dean asked. "By the time they get there, they'll be out and the place cleaned up. Though they might identify me as someone who kidnapped you, and obviously brainwashed you. Since that makes more sense, at least to them, they'll believe it. I'll end up in jail, and you'll be returned to the loving arms of your family. Think we'll keep the police out of this one. I just have to find someplace where they can't find you."

"Right.. Okay." She said and nodded. It made sense. It made a lot of sense. "So... I'm Laura... by the way. How did you know where to find me?" She asked, only thinking to ask the questions now, as the numbness of shock started to set in.

"They were going to use you to open the skies and let it rain fire." Dean said honestly. "I picked up on the sign, and came to stop it. That's my latest hobby, stopping apocalyptic signs and stuff." He said with a shrug. "At the end of the day, does it really matter?"

"I don't know." She said honestly. "I'm grateful regardless but I'm not sure who or what to believe anymore. I'm scared and the world has just shifted on its axis." She told him. "And my savior tells me he tracks apocalyptic signs for a hobby. "

"I lied." Dean said as he stopped at a coffee drive through and ordered two coffees. He handed her one. "Drink it. If you're really needing it, there's alcohol under the seat." He said. "I lied. It's kinda like a job. Believe me, I don't do this for fun." Most of the thrill was gone from it all, crushed under the weight of it all. "But now you know it's a scary world. But there are those that are pushing back."

"I don't drink... yet... might have to reconsider that." She said. "How did you wind up with that kind of job?" She asked. "Must have had a really crappy guidance counselor." She said with a nervous laugh. She ran a hand through her dark hair.

Dean laughed. "Oh the crappiest. I called him Dad. Except he wasn't my guidance counselor, he was my father. It's a family business, groomed from the time I was four." He said. "The pay is crap, more hospital time than I would like, but every once in a while I get to be a pretty girl's savior, so it all evens out."

She smiled at that. " Wow... well it sounds like it beats my family all to hell. So don't' feel too bad about it. At least they weren't trying to kill sacrifice you in weird rituals after ruining your social life." She took a drink of the coffee, it tasted good, and the heat of it soothed her jangled nerves.

"Nah, my family was all right." He said as he drove, and kept up the prattle of nothing conversation until he crossed into Massachusetts. He'd made good time, and found the first motel and pulled in. "Be right back." He said, ducking into the office to get a room, then drove over to the corner room at the end of the strip. "Funnily enough, all motel rooms look alike after a while, so it's kinda home sweet home for me." He said with a laugh as he took bags out of the trunk and tossed her the key to the room.

She made her way to the room and unlocked the door, holding it open for him. "Home sweet home huh. Wow... maid service and everything. Sweet. " She said, her nerves finally calmed most of the way down. She was tired and a little punch drunk. But she actually felt safe for now. That was something she would never take for granted again. "So... now what?" She asked closing the door behind him.

He opened one of the bags and brought out the bag of rock salt. "They hate it when I do this. They really do." He said as he lined the entire room, and the window sills with a thick line of salt. Then brick. Then things he had picked up from different voo doo powers. "Now we rest." He said with a shrug as he sat on one of the beds and checked his weapons to make sure they were loaded and clean. "We just drove for nine hours. I was thinking hot shower, take out and bad TV."

"Shower... god being clean again. Do you mind if I get in first? I still smell of whatever it was that they doused me with before starting the ritual."

"Sure go ahead." Dean said. He was cleaning his weaponry anyway. "Everything should be protected, take as long as you need." He figured he'd need a cold shower anyway, with the way the day was going.

"You really are a hero." She said as she went to the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Castiel appeared before Dean. "It's not over yet. It's still possible for them to break the seal." He said without preamble, not knowing how long they would have to talk before the girl got out of the shower. "The ritual was nearly complete... all that was left was her death."

Dean jumped when Castiel spoke. "Dude, you've got to cut that out." Dean said. "I mean it, I could have shot you, which would have brought attention, don't you think?" He put his gun down. "Okay. So is this an eternally open thing, cause you know she's going to die some day. Or does the death have to involve bloodletting? You have somewhere for her or am I expected to cart her a round from seal to seal?"

"The ritual requires a virgin sacrifice. " He said. "I would recommend taking her with you." He frowned, even more than usual. "I am not suggesting anything carnal. Regardless they will come for her even if she does allow you to ... alleviate the situation."

"So let me get this straight. I'm the chosen one to stop the end of the world, and now I have to take on a girl who's been traumatized, not to mention she's a virgin, not to mention she's really hot, and I'm not supposed to sleep with her, and it wouldn't make a difference anyway, because they're going to come after her anyway, but I still have to stop the breaking of the seals." Dean said. "Wow, and I thought you were laying on the pressure before. You're starting to suck at the pep talks."

"I'm here to tell you the truth, Dean, not to make you feel better. " He said. "What you and the girl do is between you. I just wanted it made plain that wasn't expected. Otherwise... yes. That is what I am saying." Castiel would have been amused if it weren't so serious a situation. "We suspect that the next seal is in North Dakota. Start that direction. We will let you know more as we find out. "

"Can I sleep for a couple of hours?" Dean asked, with a sigh. He was exhausted. He'd been driving for days to get to Maine. Then went on a quick bender. Then saved the girl. Then drove for another ten hours. "I mean it, dude. I'm no good to you if I drive off a cliff. I don't mean that in a whiny suicidal way, I mean that in a the road has three center lines because I'm so freaking tired way."

"I didn't mean this minute. " Castiel said. "Sleep all you need. We don't have the details yet. Just a direction. "

The sounds from the bathroom stopped and Castiel faded from view.

"I left you some hot water." Laura called from the bathroom. "I hate to ask, but can I borrow a tee shirt?" She asked, " Mine is still reeking of .. .Whatever that was."

Oh thanks." Dean said about the hot water as he dug through bags until he found a t-shirt that was big on him. He used it mainly in the winter when he dressed in even more layers than normal, this went over a thermal before going under a flannel and a sweatshirt. Sometimes the heat in the Impala wasn't the greatest. Not that he'd ever admit it, just put on another layer. He stood by the bathroom door, he was not going to peek. Nope, not going to peek, as he knocked on it to hand her the t-shirt.

"Thanks." She said as she reached out to take the shirt. "I'll be out in a minute. What did you have in mind for takeout?" She asked as she pulled it on, then finish wringing out her own clothes and hanging them up on the towel racks to dry.

She stepped out into the room, his shirt coming to mid thigh on her and hanging just loose enough to give room for the imagination to work. "I really appreciate the loan." She said.

Not going to look, not going to look, not going to look....didn't have to look. Her in his t-shirt was far better than a quick glance in the bathroom. "Um, yeah. No problem. No problem at all." He said as he tore his eyes away from the sight and headed into the bathroom. "I don't know, something cold..I mean hot...whatever." He said with a sigh. And of course she had to be virgin. That just figured. Anyone else, he'd lay on the come on and get her in bed before her hair dried.

"Okay... ahm... shall I start looking for places that deliver?" She asked as she got onto the bed and reached for the telephone book. "Sorry but I am seriously starving. " Her long dark hair fell across one shoulder as she moved. "Anything you don't want?" She asked. He was such a gentleman. She wondered how she had managed to get so lucky after spending her life with people that had wanted nothing more than to keep her pure for some wicked ritual.

"Nope, I'm pretty open. Will try most things at least once." He said as he ran a cold shower. Didn't even bother with the tap with the red H on it. Totally unnecessary right now. "Oh this is bad, this is so, so bad. I am on the short bus to hell, I can see it now....get out of my head images! Really really bad images....hey, I think I can actually get into that position now...." He thought as he stood under the cold water. This wasn't working. Okay, Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold dark night. In a brightly lit room. Fluorescent bulbs. Lots of them. Barry Manilow playing in the background....yup, that was much better.

And as long as he didn't leave the shower, everything was all good. Except, of course, that he was hungry. Damn his metabolism!

Okay, Dean, you are not going to seduce the virgin fresh from scary ritual. He told himself. Because that would be bad. In fact, that would be plain rude. Not to mention make things really awkward....on the other hand, could further save the girl....because in my reality, pretty girls are saved by having sex with me. Swear I had a dream on that once. Turned out pretty darn well....but this won't! You hear me, Major Dean! This will not turn out well, so at ease soldier!

"Okay.. How about something simple like pizza and hot wings. Hope you like them hot. I do." She said as she found a pizza parlor that delivered in the area, and picked up the phone to call. "What do you like on your pizza... please say meat. I would hate to be disillusioned now and find out you are a vegetarian." She liked him. He had managed to make her laugh on the trip to the hotel. That on top of saving her in the first place meant a lot to her. It had probably saved her sanity.

Damn, she had to speak, snapping him back into the present when he wasn't finished with his pep talk. Not nearly finished! "Pepperoni and sausage." He called out over the running water. Usually he had the problem of showers not being hot enough. Why couldn't he find a really cold one right now? And God was supposed to love him?

Any longer in the shower would bring questions or looks, though, so he was as calmed down as he would ever be as he changed into clean clothe s he hadn't been wearing for three days, tee shirt and a pair of sweatpants. They were in for the night, maybe a beer run...no....alcohol was bad. No alcohol Dean, from now on you're on the wagon! Though, on the other hand, if he drank enough he'd pass out....but then there would be that question over who was going to watch the girl....watch after the girl he meant. He totally meant that. "See if they deliver beer." He said, packing everything away again and laying on his bed. On his stomach and picked up the TV remote. Flip flip flip. Every single thing on TV was sex. Comedies of people in bed. Dramas of people doing things in bed or talking about doing things in bed. Even Marge and Homer were in bed! That left Teletubbies (which should be its own seal as far as Dean was concerned) and CSPAN.

And if the House of Representatives turned into an orgy on TV...he was so voting in the next election.

" So they deliver beer, but they need your ID when they arrive. Apparently they think I sound 14 or something. " She said as she lounged on the bed propped up on one arm. "Should be here soon. So ... do you really like CSPAN?" She asked, watching him as he stared at the TV as though transfixed. She usually found it completely boring. She thought he looked a little nervous. Could that be good? He had walked into the witches' circle and faced them down without a blink. He watched politics and looked nervous? Then again... maybe that was a completely sane and normal reaction.

"You are definitely not fourteen." He said and bit his lip at that. Because he looked at her when he spoke, and he definitely noticed how his tee shirt was riding up her legs. Wow. Okay, bad Dean. He said to himself. And for once, the one sure fire way he knew of it eradicate this...problem....for a moment wouldn't come. He could not bring hell up in his mind. And for once, it kinda sucked!

"I'm actually not understanding a word." He said with a chuckle as he watched an overweight white man argue something about energy costs. Or he thought. He heard the word energy mentioned. He tossed the remote to her. "Your turn to find something." And knew immediately he was going to regret it.

"Okay." She said as she started flipping through the channels. She paused on a show about doctors making out in improbable places and wrinkled her nose before moving on to the next channel. Some crime drama set in a place where everyone wore skimpy clothing walking up and down the beach. "Wow there is nothing on, is there?" She said finally settling on an old black and white movie. "Oooh Arsenic and Old lace, I love this one. " She said and looked at him. " Do you mind?"

"It's fine." He said. He'd watched it in high school. Actually he'd been assigned the play, so he rented the movie. Turned out they were pretty close so he passed that course. It was good, clean, macabre fun. Made in the 40s, there would be NO sex in it, for which he was entirely grateful as he fished an ID out of his wallet when the food came. "Here we go." He said as he pulled a couple pieces of pizza, a handful of wings, and a beer and carried them back to his bed carefully. Nearly dropping them when Mortimer planted one hell of a kiss on Elaine, but recovered. It was totally his imagination. Had to be, because if it was that good of a kiss, he definitely would have noticed when he was sixteen. He cleared his throat as the movie channel went to a quick commercial break as he settled down on the bed again and opened his beer. "Motel rooms...very dry. Loose carpeting too, so be careful."

Yeah, he'd get a ton of sleep tonight.

"Okay. I will be careful. " She said with a smile. She got off the bed and came to sit on Dean's bed to be closer to the food. "This smells incredible. " She said as she started with the wings. "So what's your favorite movie?" She asked, getting back into nonsensical conversation. He seemed more comfortable with that.

"Night of the Living Dead, original black and white." Dean said. "Invasion of the Body Snatchers..." He chuckled. "I grew up watching a lot of B movies on TV at night. Totally addicted to them still. My brother and I used to stay up late watching them when our dad would work late, or he was at a job ." When they were settled into a town, sometimes John would take a 'normal' job. "Sam, they always freaked him out. Me? I thought they were the best." Pizza. Hot wings. Beer. Hot girl. Normally this was his idea of a good night!

"I wasn't allowed to watch anything like that. Guess they were afraid I could add or something." She said and shook it off. " Me, I always like d the action adventure flicks. Indiana Jones was my hero growing up. " She said with a grin. "That and I had a secret addiction to X-men comics. Had to hide them in my room. The cartoon was lacking in comparison."

"Punisher or Iron Man for me." Dean said. "Just something about a regular guy kicking ass." Do NOT think of the X-Men movies and all that tight leather. Do NOT think of the comics and their butt floss 'uniforms'. BAD subject. Frank Castle, that man didn't have sex. Stick with him. "My dad was a single parent, we got away with a lot." Another person who in Dean's mind did not have sex, stick with Dad. Good job.

"Iron man has the suit. That is so not a regular guy. Great comic but so not a regular guy. Huge genius. Surprised his brain fit in his head genius... definitely not average. Early Batman was average guy... but he got too gadgetty later on. " She said. "And the movies suck... at least the ones between the first one with Michael Keaton and the Christian Bale ones. Although I could have done without Katie Holmes."

"A lot of people could have done without Katie Holmes, me included. I didn't buy her as a lawyer." Dean said. "But hey, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark always get the girls, so guess they're really not average." He said with a sigh. "And Frank Castle is batshit...so guess there are no average guys in comic books. I remember when I was ten, I told my dad I was going to grow up and be Batman or short stop f or the Yankees. He told me good choices, but the positions were already filled.

"Yankees huh, with your accent I wouldn't have figured you for a Yankees fan." She said. "Something more like the Rangers or Royals." She said. "Me I like the Yankees, but let's face it, in Maine you have two viable choices, Yankees or Red Sox. Definitely Yankees. "

Dean dramatically laid his head down on his arms. "It's not fair, it's not fair." He said. "You're like, the perfect woman and you don't even know it. Next you're going to tell me that you know how to change a brake line."

"No..But I can change the oil, and fix a flat without calling for help. Beyond that though I have absolutely no knowledge of cars." She said and blushed at the compliment. "Oh I don't know... you did have to save me from a bunch of rabid cultists. I would think the Daphne factor would take away from the perfection by a lot." She said. He was adorable, he really was but she had no idea why it wasn't fair.

"Hey, I like Daphne." Dean said with a chuckle and grinned at her. "Too bad about the brake line. I was just about to get down on my knees and beg you to have my children." That's it, insert humor here. Oh god don't even think the word 'insert!' Bad enough you mentioned children, and having children, which brought to mind plenty of practice sessions....oh man this was hard. No! Don't think the word hard! This was...soft. Soft and difficult and definitely not sexy. Nope, not in the least.

"I don't know... you could always teach me how to change the brake line." She said. "Okay, that sounded like a drunken prom date come on, didn't it?" She said, blushing deeply.

"Trust me, I've heard worse. I've used worse in fact." He said. "I don't know....are you interested in....brake lines?" Would it be wrong if he took two showers in one day?

" I could be. You never know when that kind of thing is going to come in handy... are you okay?" She asked. "You look a little... flushed."

"Me? I'm fine. It's just hot in here." Dean said. "Can never get the temperature right in a motel, I swear. Too hot, or too cold, usually at bad times." That made sense. People flushed in hot rooms. He was flushed? That was too close to blushing, which really only she could pull off and still look so damn... not going there. Back to your distraction. Margaret Thatcher naked.....

Bobby frowned. He heard the sound of a motorcycle at the edge of the junkyard and walked toward it. "My god… Sam?" He said, knowing Sam Winchester on sight. That motorcycle helmet couldn't hide anything from Bobby's eyes. He took several steps forward, not sure what was going on with the youngest of John's Boys. Sam had a bad habit of running off, but usually Dean could find him in short order. He was taking steps to prevent that right now, which couldn't be good. Not for either of them.

Sam took the helmet off and what Bobby saw nearly broke his heart. The look in his eyes, the set of his features, those shoulders squared as if waiting for a fight that he was prepared to win, but hoping he wouldn't have to fight. It was like going back 20 years and looking at John Winchester for the first time . "My god boy, where have you been? I don't know what happened between you two but Dean-"

"People do what they have to do." He said, cutting Bobby off. "I need to know if you can do this for me." He said and handed over the pages of diagrams and elemental symbols to a man he used to call friend… more than friend. His tone was clipped, all business.

"Why don't you come on inside? We'll have a drink and look over this together. " Bobby said as he looked Sam over and glanced toward the motorcycle and the red head sitting there. "Is that Ruby?" He asked. He hoped not, but figured it would explain a lot if it was.

"No. That's Rachel. She's learning." He said, it wasn't really a lie. "And I don't have time today Bobby. If you are wanting to test me with holy water, go ahead and pull that flask out of your hip pocket and we'll have a go. " He told him.

"I wanted you to come inside so that I could talk to you, boy. What's gotten into you? Learning? You're not teaching that girl to hunt are you? Sam… talk to me. What is going on, son? Let me help you."

"That's what I'm asking Bobby, Can you help me or not?" He asked bluntly.

Bobby sighed. This wasn't going well. Sam was different. Not darker, even though that seemed to be the fear from the angelic set these days. No not darker, but he was definitely angry. Something deep seated and festering. "It's some pretty complicated spell work. How soon do you need it?" So much like his father that it made Bobby ache to see it. All he could do was hope that over time he could find out what was going on with the boy

"As soon as I can get it. I don't have a specific date it's needed for, but the sooner the better. " He said.

"I'll let you know when it's done. How do I reach you? " He asked, hoping to at least get that much from the younger man. "I still got a room in the back. Why don't you and your lady friend," although he suspected she was anything but a lady, "stay here while I work on this? I could use the help. Have a job you could do while I'm working on this if you are interested." He suspected Sam had just lied to him and he was traveling with Ruby again. Why else wouldn't he bring her up for Bobby to meet?

Sam shook his head dismissively. "Like I said, no time. I'll be passing through again, I'll just keep checking. "

Bobby sighed. "Damn it, Sam, cut me some slack here. I'm trying to help you and I don't just mean with this." He said holding up the papers.

"I know." Was all Sam said, even though his tone was a little warmer, as he turned to go. "Let me know what it costs you and we can settle up accounts when I pick it up." He added at the end, taking the warmth out of his tone once more.

Bobby looked at the pages as he walked toward the house to call Dean and let him know that his brother was alive and sulking still. Was more than Dean had been able to find out. The angels couldn't even spot Sam for him. O r wouldn't, which had crossed Bobby's mind more than once. "What the hell are you up to boy?" He muttered as he looked over the very advanced Kabalistic work he was expecting Bobby to work into a vessel of sorts. "Damned fool idiot." He muttered hearing the motorcycle roar off down the road.

Once back inside he picked up the phone and dialed Dean's number. This was too important to wait.

Dean was sleeping. For once, he was actually sleeping, not sleeping through nightmares and flashbacks, but really sleeping. It took the phone to wake him up and he looked around. He always looked around, sometimes it was hard to figure out where he was. But he was on his stomach, the wrong way on the bed. Head at the food of the bed, a pillow scrunched under him. Pizza and beer on the floor, the wings long gone.

Then he remembered he hadn't finished off the wings alone, and sure enough, there she was, dark hair spilling over her arm, her face turned toward him, fast asleep.

Wow.

The phone rang again and Dean answered it, recognizing Bobby's number. "Yeah?" He said, clearing his throat of sleep.

"Found your brother. More like he turned up on my doorstep." Bobby said. Always to the point. No point in preamble with John's Boys.

"What?" Dean said, sitting up on the side of the bed. "Is he still there?"

"No, left a project for me and took off with a red head on a motorcycle." He wasn't going to say his suspicions over who was inside the red head, that would just set Dean off more than he was going to be.

"A project? You let him go?" Dean asked, starting to pace.

"I didn't 'let' him do anything. No one 'lets' either of you do anything." Bobby said a bit sharply. "Yeah, a project. Looks like he's working on a helluva binding spell."

"It's for Lilith." Dean said, remembering what Castiel had said.

"Lilith? Your brother is taking on Lilith? Alone?" Bobby said, the sharpness mellowing out into deep concern.

"Like you said, no one lets Sam do anything. He just does it." Dean said. "Did you get a number?"

"He said he'd swing by." Bobby said. "Check up on my progress like a good client." And that was how Sam looked at him. Not like an uncle, not like a friend, but like someone who could do something for him, and nothing else. Oh there were flashes of the old Sam, but this Sam was hardened. Against what, Bobby didn't know yet.

"Okay." Dean said, running a hand over his face, rubbing his eyes. "I've got a seal to shut down in North Dakota. We'll swing by your place," in South Dakota, "on the way to and back."

"We?" Bobby asked.

Dean sighed and chuckled at the same time. "It's a really long story. I'll explain it when I see you."

"Right, well I'm gonna get to work on this then. Now that I know what it's for. I swear Dean, it was like going back 20 years and looking at your Daddy. Only now instead of Azazel it's Lilith. " He sighed. He was going to have to watch those boys die again. He knew it. And he wasn't pleased. "Anyway I'll see you when you get here. " Bobby hung up.

Laura lifted her head from the pillow. "You okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, family drama." Dean said with a chuckle as he hung his phone up. "Nothing like yours, don't worry. Think they'd have a hard time finding something to sacrifice me to. On the other hand, maybe they wouldn't, given our background." He said with a grin as he looked at the clock. "Leave it to Bobby to get me up before noon. About the only person short of my father, who's dead, and my brother, who's off on his own business, that could do it too." Everyone else didn't stand a chance. If he slept through the nightmares of hi s time in hell, was no way anyone was waking him up before he was ready.

"So ... are we off to deal with Family Drama?" She asked. He laughed but it didn't reach his eyes. Not like the night before. His family drama might not be as psychotic as her own but it was just as painful. She wanted to say something but there wasn't anything to say. She didn't think it would really do any good anyway. Words weren't always the right option. The ones that came easy were useless and the ones you had to fight for usually carried as much pain as what you were using them to heal.

"Nope, we're off to stop an apocalypse." Dean said. Hoping to run into Sam on the way. He was trying to multi task. Keep the girl safe, save the world and find his brother. "Stop in on an old family friend on the way, he's awesome. His name is Bobby, probably the closest thing I have to father, really."

"Okay... You said North Dakota." Laura said. "Wow, you really get around. That has to be tiring... doing all of this alone. Well ... at least you have someone to talk to along the way. " She said as she put on her pants that had dried in the bathroom. She didn't remove his shirt, though. She liked the way it smelled, the way it felt.

While she was in the bathroom, he pulled on clothes of his own. Nothing in the bags was new. Not even the bag. All well worn, some stained (some residue Tide just didn't know how to deal with), and faded. Suits were bought that day and often discarded as the occasion called for it. The rest of the clothes, the jeans, the shirts, the flannels, the jacket, it was all at least a couple of years old. He'd been surprised, pleasantly, when he'd come back from hell and his brother had all his stuff still in his bag in the trunk. Bobby had some stuff too that had been left behind. Because unless it was for food, and in a Quiki Mart, he hated shopping.

"Not too bad. I figure I've been all over this country. Maine, obviously. Florida, Washington, was born in Kansas." Dean said as she exited the bathroom and he went in to brush his teeth quickly before grabbing coffee.

"Kansas... wow... bet you don't get good sea food in Kansas." She said. "You do like lobster... right?" She was rambling. It was easier to ramble, ask mundane questions that had nothing to do with why they had met, what was still after her or what they wanted to do. She didn't want to talk about those things, didn't want to think about those things. If she left it alone long enough, maybe it would all become a dream in her mind, and she could get on with her life. Whatever that was.

He looked at her. And understood. He hadn't talked about what he went through, because talking about it didn't make it better. Something's there just weren't words for, and trying made it all the worse. So he let her ramble on as he packed up the room, discreetly wiping the place down of fingerprints. Pouring bleach down drains to dissolve any hair, he cleaned up the bathroom.

"Haven't had lobster in a while." Dean said. "Now ribs, that's something I can get into." He honestly liked ribs, not just because Hooters made them. Probably the Midwest deep within him.

"Ribs can be good. You like them with sauce or sauce on the side? I like sauce that's cooked on. It tastes better that way. Okay... this is insane, I am making myself hungry" She said, and figured she was driving him nuts with her constant chatter. She needed to pick up a book somewhere or something to do with her hands or she was going to ramble herself into a bus ticket and 20 bucks.

He chuckled at her mindless chatter. Sam was known for that too. Kept the air from being so empty, there was only so much air you could fill with loud music after all. "We'll find a place. I like them both. Barbeque the sauce on, and give me sauce on the side." He said with a grin. "Ready? We'll stop and get you clothes too. You look cute in my shirts, probably not so much in my jeans."

She smiled "Yeah I would look really funny with a belt holding them up and the legs dragging the ground. I appreciate all of this. I can only imagine what this is costing you... taking care of me and all."

"Absolutely nothing." He said as they headed back out to the Impala and he threw the bags into the back seat. "This gig doesn't pay a lot, but there are always corners to cut." Actually it paid nothing, and he ran credit card scams, but no sense telling her that.

"Okay." She said as she got into the passenger's seat and waited for Dean. "So... what's the plan? I mean... do we just keep going? Hoping that they don't come after me... how will we know when it's over? Not that I really have anyplace else to go... or anyone else to see. "

Dean winced as he got into the car. Not from any pain, but from her questions. "That's actually about as far as I've thought so far." He confessed. "Just...keep you out of their reach until I figure something else out. Luckily, we're going to stop in and see a friend of mine, Bobby. I told you about him. He's the smartest man I know. By far. Guy speaks Japanese, Latin, a whole mess of ancient languages, and builds supernatural panic rooms when he has a free weekend. From scratch."

She smiled a little. "It's okay... I don't mind not having a plan... I just... wanted to be in on it if there was one. " She couldn't imagine what else there was he could do really but she found herself not wanting to leave his company. She hoped he didn't plan to leave her with his friend Bobby.

"When I figure one out, I'll let you in on it. Promise." Dean said with a chuckle. Right now, that was the plan. Just keep her out of their reach. Plus it was nice to have someone around again, silence could be maddening. It just opened the door for sounds of the past, from his memories, to encroach in and torment him again.

"Dean," she said, and took a deep breath, "could... could I just stay with you?" She asked. "I know you don't know me and I'm kind of a big responsibility. But I ... I don't know that I could really deal with the real world right now. I can learn to help you."

Dean looked at her as he drove. "I would love to give the automatic yes, but there are some things you need to know before even asking that." Dean said, and in a moment of unguarded honesty, explained about Sam. About dying. Both of them dying in fact. And Dean's deal and trip to hell. The needy angels that followed him around.

"Wow... you know... if you had told me that a couple days ago I would have literally run screaming. " She told him and sighed. "However, given that I was born under the right astrological conditions to open up a seal to let loose Lucifer, and was sent to my death by the same people that tucked me in and read me Winnie the Pooh stories, I think I can take you seriously right now. " She said and took a deep breath. "I'm involved no matter what." Laura said, even if she wished it were different. "If I am destined to open this seal, they aren't going to stop coming, and even though your life is ... crazy... I'm safer with you than on my own. And .. well... I like your company."

"My life is beyond insane." Dean said with a chuckle. "And the angels will be popping up soon, they always do. At really bad times too. But can't say I didn't warn you. We'll see how it goes." He liked having company himself, but more than that, he liked her company in specific. He didn't feel the fires of hell lapping at his heels right now. And that was a rare gift indeed. Now all he had to do was keep her safe. On top of everything else he was expected or needed to do.

"Fair enough." She said. "So there is another seal to take care of? Are they all sacrifices?" She asked. This was all so new and confusing to her, but she was trying to keep it all straight. She didn't want to let it all happen to someone else. She wanted to help. She just didn't know how. Dean might be able to teach her how to help. Besides, she felt safe with him. She was happy just talking to him.

"Not all. Some are just about stopping a ritual from performing, some can only be done once every five hundred years or so. Others are just getting an artifact before someone else does, that part's totally Indiana Jones." He said with a laugh. "I don't know about this one, waiting for information." Castiel had just given him a direction was all.

She nodded. "I'm sorry about your brother." She said. "Is it... is it possible that he didn't want you to be hurt by this demon he is going after? It doesn't sound like either of you would willingly leave the other unless it was for their own good."

"It's possible." Dean said grudgingly. Though he still believed Uriel was behind it somehow. "He's done it before." He was forced to admit. "But I'm still going to find the kid and beat the shit out of him."

"You two fight like that often?" She asked not understanding male bonding, Winchester style. She had grown up in something that was sweeter than saccerine and twice as fake. It would never occur to her that people that loved each other would be violent with each other. But on the other hand she had to admit that she knew very little about people that really loved each other.

"Oh all the time." He said and saw her look. "I think it's a brother thing." He said with a laugh. "As much as Sam would love me to, I just don't do Hallmark moments and care and share time. Sometimes I think I have a sister instead.'

She laughed at that. "Oh no... Sounds like he is much nicer than a sister would have been." She said and talked about her 'cousins'. A pair of sisters that lived with her so called family and how they would go at each other. "There were days it was like watching Jerry Springer. But the moment anyone said anything about either of them, it was a unified front and you were suddenly the target."

"Oh it's the same. Except we're more Mixed Martial Arts championship than Springer when we go at it. Things get broken. And if we're lucky, it's not one of us." Dean said, remembering all the times he'd ever punched his brother, or been punched by his brother. But anyone move against Sam, they moved against him.

"Guess that just proves that I wasn't really Justin's sister. We never fought. " She said with a laugh. "It was like that movie... not the Stepford Wives but the stupid 80s sequel about the high school students. Justin is a Stepford brother."

"If Sam were a Stepford brother I would have smothered him years ago." Dean said. "Winchesters are as far from Stepford as you can get. We're just not built normally, even Dad."

"Well fortunately I don't have another reference point. So I wouldn't know how out there you might be. " She said "And believe me, there were many days I wanted to smother Justin." She admitted. "He was all football, young republicans. And FBLA."

"Sounds like the sort of kid I used to beat up in high school." Dean said with a laugh as he turned off the highway to a strip mall. "Okay, let's get you some clothes." Luckily he had cash on him, so he wouldn't have to explain the names on the credit cards. That would have to come later, just not in public.

Laura frowned as she walked around the store. There were things that she liked. Things that she really wanted to pick up and put on, but she knew that she needed to not look like herself to people that might be hunting. So she changed color choices and clothing styles. Which wasn't as easy as she had thought it would be. By the time she was done, she was sure Dean was going to give her up as a lost cause.

Dean watched her and sighed. "Get whatever you want." He said. "Won't matter if they're trying to find you. Or do you think we should chop your hair and dye it too? Look, I was on a most wanted list. I've dressed like this for years. They don't find you by what you wear, they find you on patterns and profiles."

She definitely didn't want to cut or dye her hair, but would if it would help. "I know that on some levels. On others, I don't know who I am. I'm some creation of theirs. Raised to be a certain way, dress a certain way... It feels like maybe that's how they would know me if I got away or something... but yeah... you are probably right." She said and set things aside, going back to pick up things that she felt more comfortable in. Jeans, loose fitting tee shirts in reds and blues.

Dean took everything and set it on top of a rack. "Okay, start over. You feel you were trained to be a certain way. Stand still." He said and put his hands on her shoulders to make her. "Close your eyes, take a deep breath. Good. Now think of how you want to be, what you want to wear, and go get it, okay?" He hated shopping. With a passion. And here he was. "Just don't ask my advice, my idea of women's clothing isn't exactly roomy t-shirts and loose jeans."

She laughed softly at that. She could just imagine what his idea of women's clothing was. He was the kind of man her so called father would have chased away with a shot gun. As much as she would like him to look at her that way, she certainly wasn't going to dress that way. She would spend all of her time blushing. So instead she picked out a couple pairs of jeans that fit more snuggly than she would normally wear, then selected a skirt, and a few tops to go with it. Casual, comfortable, but not something that left her looking like she was a little girl wearing her big sister's clothes.

Dean threw in a few heavy hooded sweatshirts as they passed them, his practical side coming out. "All right, then we're set." He said with a chuckle. Who knew shopping could be likened to pulling teeth? Well, Dean always knew that, but now he had proof as he cashed out the clothes.

"Okay... I guess tonight you get your shirt back. Ransomed it back with new clothes." She said with a smile "Thank you." She told him again. It was getting to be a habit. The strange thing was he didn't make her feel like she owed him, when in fact she owed him everything. She was alive because of him. She was able to smile because of him.

"Wasn't a problem, trust me." Dean said and laughed as he gathered the bags. When something's a problem, I'm pretty vocal about telling people that." The one downfall was that she'd be sleeping in her own clothes. Was it a total let down of the mission that he found her sexy in one of his t-shirts? Probably. Yup, he was going to back to hell.

"That's good to know. So how long until we get to your friends house?" She asked. Long road trips were new for her. A day or two at the grandparents in Boston was about it for her. "Do you need any help with driving? Just let me know." It was the least she could do.

He laughed. "My brother was twenty two before he ever drove my car. Almost twenty three actually." He said. "You're cute, but you're not THAT cute. But we'll see." He said. "We're about two days from Bobby's, we'll stop by and see him and hopefully by then I'll know more about the seal."

She laughed then. "Okay... in light of the deep bond you obviously have with your car, I will not be offended that you don't want me driving her." She said as she settled into the front seat comfortably. Two days... she could handle that. Then turned the conversation to lighter subjects.

***

Sam tossed the book aside and rubbed his eyes. "Light reading." He said shaking his head. "You hungry?" He asked Ruby, not able to cram any more Hebrew into his brain.

"Headache already?" Ruby asked as she took notes from her own book. "Yeah, we can break for something to eat." He'd been quiet the last few days, and when Sam was quiet, that was never good. Even the sex was quiet.

"Yeah... 4 hours of reading... I'm getting to be a light weight . Don't know if it's the prayers or the foreign language that are giving me the headache." He said. He was having doubts. Everything in this ritual centered around God who didn't want anything to do with him. Would he be able to do this or would he be getting everyone killed?

"Come on, let's get something to eat then." She said with a grin. "At the very least, you need to get out of this hotel room, the walls are closing in."

Sam nodded. "Yeah I do." He said as he got up and stretched. Working on the ritual and trying to build a new network system was taking its toll. Physically, mentally and emotionally. But Ruby was always there. Risking as much as he was in this. "Come on... I've been in this town before. I know a good restaurant." He told her as he stuffed the ancient key of Solomon into his computer bag, and then checked his weapon before tucking that into place as well.

"Where haven't you been?" She asked with a chuckle as she grabbed her jacket. Seems the Winchesters had been just about everywhere, or at least driven through it. "I've got feelers out for that coven, gotten a couple of bites. I'll have to check them out to see how white they actually are."

"Yeah, we can't afford to make a mistake with this ritual. You were right. If it goes wrong, everyone is screwed." he said, as he offered her his hand. "Normally I would recruit Bobby for this and he would be able to pull a couple more guys out of his hat, but I don't know how far I can trust him right now. " More to the point, he wasn't going to be responsible for putting a strain between Dean and Bobby. Dean needed all the non angelic support he could get, and Bobby wasn't known for keeping his opinions about family matters to himself. One of his more endearing qualities but right now, Dean was being driven by the angels. He knew they had something to do with what Dean had done. But it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Break time, remember?" She said as she took his hand. "You know, before that brain of yours melts and drains out of your ears?" She reminded him. "Let's just get something to eat and go from there."

"Right." He said as he led the way down the street. The restaurant had been a truck stop long ago when trucks used to travel that forgotten stretch of highway. The clientele had changed but the menu hadn't, and Sam suspected that the waitress hadn't changed in all those years either. It could have just been the uniform. Pepto bismal pink with white apron and collar.

"Oh wow. Another truck stop." Ruby said with a chuckle. She wondered if the Winchester boys knew any other kind of place. Truck stops and drive throughs. "Well, the macaroni and cheese sounds all right I guess." She said as she looked at the menu.

"What no French fries? I'm in shock." He teased. "The mac and cheese isnt' bad. " He said as he ordered something random from the menu. He wasn't worried about food, or anything else lately. The ritual was all consuming.

"Sam, it's great that you're focused and all." Ruby said carefully. "And I'm not being all double standard, but too much focus is a bad thing. This ritual is important, oh yeah. But if you don't make it through it, it's pretty much all for nothing."

"That's why I have to stay focused. So that I can make it through in one piece. " He told her. "One thing out of place, and we're all dead and the world is faced with a pissed off Lilith. So ... maybe I should stay focused."

"You still need to sleep, you still need to eat." Ruby reminded him. "Fresh air once in a while isn't a bad thing either."

"Hey, we walked here, and I ordered food. Two out of three." He said. "And I sleep..." although it was sporadic at best and filled with troubling dreams. His brother figured prominently in those dreams. Sometimes it was Uriel and Dean. Always there was death. Sometimes his own, sometimes Dean's... always Ruby's. Sam didn't like sleep.

"There are things I can give you to give you dreamless sleep." Ruby said. Sam was mortal, he had a mortal body, and if he kept this up, it wouldn't be pretty. "This ritual is going to take every bit of energy you've got. So I'm warning you now, I'm drugging you the night before. If you're a good boy, I'll screw your brains out then drug you."

"Maybe a dreamless night is what I need." He said. "Why don't we have a rehearsal of that night tonight and see how it goes?" He said with a smile. Ruby was good for him in some ways. His brother didn't see it. But he imagined Dean had understandable issues with demons. Probably why he had left. Not Ruby, but the demon blood that ran through Sam's own veins.

***

"Okay." Dean said as they pulled into Singer's Salvage Yard. "This is Bobby's place. Comes off as the biggest roughneck you've ever met, but he's probably the smartest guy I know. If anyone can figure out how to get you out of your problem, it's him." He said as he pulled in slowly. Rumsfeld had the tendency to run free, and just as Dean thought, he ran up to the car barking.

Dean got out of the car and scratched the dog's head. "Hey, Rumsfeld. Miss me? Bobby home?"

The dog gave a deep throated woof, and moved off toward the salvage yard.

"That was a big dog." Laura said as she got out of the car. "So he's a hunter like you?" She asked, she knew that Bobby was more than just a friend, he was family, she now knew that Dean had a great deal of respect for him, and he seemed to relax as soon as he got out of the car. Like most people did when coming home, even though she knew he didn't really have a home.

"Eh, he's a teddy bear. Except on bath days." Dean said with a laugh. "Yeah, Bobby's a hunter. An awesome one too. The things in that guy's head...you wouldn't know it to look at him, but he speaks fluent Latin, Japanese, and Sumerian, Babylonian....you name it." He said as Bobby came around the house.

"Dean." He said. "Was wondering when you would get here. Who's your friend?" Let's see if at least one brother would properly introduce their current....whatever.

"Bobby, this is Laura. Laura, Bobby." Dean said. "She's got a problem I hope you can help her with. Along with telling me about Sam."

"Hi," Laura said, not sure what this man could do, but to hear Dean talk about him he was the next best thing to sliced bread and twice as handy "It's nice to meet you" She said.

Bobby rubbed his hand on his over alls before reaching out to take the young woman's hand. "What's this problem you've got?" He asked, figuring he might as well start there. He didn't want to talk about Sam in front of company.

"Oh... nothing really just ... that my death apparently will open a seal. " She said. "That whole... virgin sacrifice thing. " She said nervously.

Bobby looked at Dean and raised an eyebrow, wondering if the boy was slipping or if there was something about the girl that put him off somehow. Cause there was one sure fire and dandy cure for that problem of hers. One that he would have expected Dean to have accidentally stumbled across by now.

"And of course the angels have their own theories on that." Dean said. If it had come from Uriel, he would have seduced her by now. But Castiel had been straight, if not more than a little vague, with him. And right now Dean couldn't figure out if Castiel was discouraging him because it would fuck everything up even worse, or because of that whole carnal lust thing.

"Well, let's head on inside. I've got coffee going. I think I've got some tea in the cupboard if you like that better. Can't promise it's still drinkable. It's been there a while." He admitted as he lead the way into the house.

"Coffee's fine." Laura said.

"Yeah well, I don't know. Do you like it the consistency of motor oil?" He asked.

"Maybe that tea would be better." She said and they both laughed.

"I like the coffee." Dean said with a shrug. But Dean wasn't known for being a picky eater, and Bobby gave him a look that said just as much as he led them into the house and pulled down the tea, setting a pot of water to boil.

"So tell me about your problem." Bobby said. "Not the reader's digest version."

Dean poured himself a cup of 'motor oil' and explained what he knew, from what he had seen to what Laura had told him. "So I packed her up in the car and we just drove."

"That's pretty much it. I've been raised all my life to die the other night. They put me in a catholic girls' school and practically sat on top of me when I became a teenager to keep me in the right state of grace as it were for the ritual. Now I understand that if I die somehow... even if it's not a sacrifice... it's going to open that seal."

Dean nearly choked on his coffee. Catholic girls' school? Oh boy, that was bringing up a lot of imagery he did NOT need right now. Though she had the legs for the skirt, he'd seen that in his t-shirt...

He really had to stop. He wondered if Bobby would let him take a shower.

Bobby's brow crinkled under his cap. "It's not that easy." He said. "There would have to be bloodletting on a special altar. Just you dying doesn't do it, they need your blood."

"Even after going through the entire ritual? Cause when he showed up it was pretty much all over but the dying." She said. "I have never been so glad to see a complete stranger in my life." Laura said with a nervous laugh. She hadn't let herself deal with it all yet. There really hadn't been time. Or at least not an appropriate time.

"I nearly want to give you some whisky and see if that helps." Bobby said. "Poor kid. The whole ritual was done? They might be able to skip the altar and just bring back your blood."

"Which leads us back to the original problem." Dean said.

Forget the girl, Bobby was giving both the girl and Dean whisky and see if that helped.

"I'm not sure getting me drunk will help. I've never had anything like whiskey before would probably just puke on your floor. " She said and looked up when the kettle sounded off. "I'll take care of the tea, you two stay put." She said as she headed for the kitchen.

Bobby gave Dean a pointed look. "Seems to me this isn't as large a problem as you are making it out to be." He said in quiet tones, not wanting Laura to overhear. "Is there something else I should know about?"

"I'm not a complete bonehead, nor am I a eunuch." Dean said in equally quiet tones. "I've never taken so many cold showers in my life! But Castiel, who hasn't lied to me yet, said it wasn't a good idea. I don't know what not a good idea translates into. Does it translate into you better not because you'll screw over the world but I can't interfere with your free will? Or does it translate into I'm an angel, I have no dick, and it's a sin? With as screwed up as everything is, I'm really not wanting to take the chance just because, wow, she's hot."

"Then you've got a real problem on your hands, son. Because nothing short of... making her unacceptable for the ritual ... is going to change anything. You can either go against the wishes of this angel, carry her around and fend off the cultists while trying to fight Armageddon... or you can come up with one damned good con to convince them she's not suitable."

"I haven't touched a virgin since I was seventeen. Marilyn Vogel, junior year in high school." Dean said. "That's a whole other game I don't know how to play." He said with a sigh. "Nothing in my life can be simple, can it? It's like against some karmic rule someone forgot to tell me about. How's Sam?"

"He hasn't come back by here since I talked to you on the phone. He's... well he's alive. " Bobby said. "There's a tired look about him that worries me. Like your Daddy used to get. There is a lot of John in Sam. He's gonna pull through... but he isn't going to be the same. What the hell happened between you two anyway? I tried asking him and he cut me off said people do what they have to do. Whatever the hell that means."

"I have no idea. I went to talk to a bishop about Revelations, I come back, the motel is on fire, and all my stuff is neatly folded inside a bush." Dean said. "Haven't seen him since. I was hoping you knew."

Bobby shook his head. "I wish I did. I couldn't even get him to come inside the house. " He said and got up. He came back with an ornate brass vessel. "This is what he asked me to make for him." He said, handing it over to Dean. "The spell work on that puppy ain't exactly novice work." He said. "That is for binding spirits. According the keys of Solomon. But my copy doesn't have the details for this. He is into something big, Dean. "

"big surprise." Dean said. "You know what I'm doing when this is all over? I'm sticking one of those GPS chips in him. Because this is getting ridiculous." He said with a shake of his head as he looked over the device. "He's going to trap Lilith. So keep an ear open for when it's a good time to do that. Because I'll be there, and I'm so going to kick his ass."

"In the mean time, let's keep this information from leaking out to the winged set. I'm pretty sure their agenda isn't going to include allowing that. " Mostly because it was Sam doing it. Which truth be told was what bothered Bobby as well. Sam wasn't disciplined. He was a Winchester to the bone, and that meant impulsive, and hot headed.

Laura had been waiting for a lull in the conversation before coming back into the room and taking her seat once more.

"Hey." Dean said with a grin as she came back into the room. "So my brother is working his own angle. Not surprising. In the war against the end of the world, Winchesters always have angles. Lots of angles. Though most of them we make up on the fly. And are usually life imperiling. So you've got a choice. Bobby has a panic room where not much can touch you. If anything. Or, risk life and limb and hair and everything else." Sad thing was, Dean didn't know which one to push her toward. T he panic room or staying with him.

"No offense to Bobby here... I would rather go with you." She told him. Dean made her feel safe. Or at least that was how she was equating it all. Safe, secure, and there was laughter in her life. Okay so there was some serious school girl crushing going on. But she recognized it for what it was. People just did not fall in love over a period of days. That only happened in the movies.

"All right." Dean said. "We'll get going then. Have to meet up with the angels, and I know they won't come here. They don't like your panic room, or all the symbology. They've got information I need. Let me know on Sam." Dean said.

"As soon as I hear from him again I'll let you know." Bobby said. "You be careful out there. You teach her the basics." He said, nodding at Laura. "I don't like you out there on your own. " The girl might not be able to do much really for a couple of years but even a little would be better than her being a drain on Dean's already drained resources. He frowned a little as he considered the application of a well placed boot next time he saw Sam.

"I'm not out there on my own. I've got two pain the ass angels, and guess I've got Laura. And I know I can always call you up for backup. Don't worry so much." Dean said as he finished his coffee and stood up, stretching. "come on, let's hit the road, get a place in North Dakota and wait for some information."

Laura nodded as she got up. "It was nice meeting you." She told Bobby. "I hope I get to see you again." She knew there was no guarantee. But she was trying to be optimistic. Things were going well, and there seemed to be a chance of coming through it alive, even if it just meant hanging on and waiting indefinitely.


	5. MIA

* * *

Chapter 5: M.I.A.

_Counting every minute till the feeling comes crashing down  
Run when it hits the ground  
I'm good at escaping  
But better at faking out_

* * *

They drove to North Dakota, as soon as he crossed the border he found a motel. "Home sweet home." He said with a chuckle, throwing his bag on a bed. "Now we just wait for two jack asses to come and try and tell me what to do."

"Your experiences with angels haven't been very good, have they?" She said gently. "I can't think all badly about them...they sent you to save me after all." Even if she knew that it wasn't because of her, it was because of what would happen when she died. Didn't change the fact that she would be messily dead if they hadn't.

"Well, one likes to remind me that he pulled me out of hell, and he can always throw me back in. And he's the nice one." Dean said with a laugh. "The other, well, he prefers to call me a mud monkey. Strange lot. Definitely. If we didn't need each other, we'd probably try to destroy each other. I know Uriel would get a kick out of it."

"Uriel... the archangel." She said and sat down on the bed. "He's supposed to be the archangel of peace and repentance. Wow ... wonder what else we got wrong about the angels?" She said.

"More than you could possibly imagine." Came a deep, rich voice from the corner, but it didn't hold the same contempt when speaking to Laura as it did when Uriel spoke to Dean.

The girl jumped up from the bed and stepped away from the source of the voice. "Next question is, how much did we get right? Do you hear the chaplets when we recite them? Or are they a waste of time?"

"Faith is never a waste of time." Castiel said as he joined his brother.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Uriel, Castiel, this is Laura. Laura, heaven sent pains in the ass." He said. "What do you have for me? Or are you just here to make my day bad? Cause it was going pretty good." He looked at Laura and shook his head. "See, they don't even bring beer."

Laura's eyes widened. She couldn't imagine talking to an angel like that. Then again, she couldn't imagine talking to an angel and there she was standing before them. Well at least they didn't invoke that whole fear and trembling thing.

Uriel raised an eyebrow. "You forget yourself again, Winchester. I would have thought your brother leaving and you finding some new found self control," he said referring to the fact that Laura was indeed still 100 % certified virgin "would have lead to a little more respect."

She frowned then but stayed silent. This was new territory for her.

"Do not bring up Sam." Dean said, darkly. "I'm still convinced you had something to do with it. And if you did, you better be prepared to go running back home to Daddy." Sam always got in trouble when off on his own. And if he was taking on Lilith, well, that was trouble. Big trouble.

"Obviously the lesson of respect has been lost upon you." Uriel said. "Maybe it's something that needs to be taught a little more forcefully."

"I'm the blunt instrument you need to point in the right direction, remember? You wouldn't want to break me, now would you?"

"When this is over, Winchester, I cannot guarantee that I will not send you to hell myself." Uriel intoned.

"Hey!" Laura exclaimed suddenly her awe of the angelic beings was turned to absolute shock. "So much for peace and repentance. Gonna have to take that whole thing up with the next priest I give confession to. cause that ain't right " She said to Uriel. "This man is doing us all a favor you know... that whole free will thing... pretty sure it applies right about now and you come here and abuse him verbally, why? I know this is going to sound crazy considering how I make supplications to angels and saints and all... but are we supposed to bow down and worship you now because you can be an all powerful bully?"

"She's been around you too long." Uriel said to Dean. "Girl, I am an archangel. I am not some diaper wearing, harp playing baby upon a white fluffy cloud. My wings are well dipped in blood, and I've fought more wars than he can possibly fathom. His flippant attitude and arrogance is grating."

"Wow, I think he almost complimented me." Dean said with a grin.

"So is yours." She countered. "I know what you are. I'm catholic for crying out loud. I grew up on stories of archangels smiting the wicked. Medieval stories of you lot walking the walls of heaven to hear the screams of the damned like it was some sort of freaking symphony. Destroying good and evil alike because God in his judgment commanded it. I have as much of an idea of what that means as a human being can have." She told Uriel. "I have faith that what I have been taught is real... I have faith that God is in heaven, and that he is doing what it takes to make things work out in the end. I have faith in the church, my prayers." She told them. " The most amazing thing to me about an angel is that you know. You don't have to rely on faith... you know that he exists, even if you haven't seen him since your creation... you KNOW, and you know that he is omniscient, omnipotent, Righteous and Just... it's not belief... it's sure and certain knowledge for you. " She shook her head slightly "Yet here you stand, second guessing his choices. You think you know better than God... that Dean shouldn't have been chosen for whatever reason." she sat down and sighed "Wow... talk about hubris. I thought Pride was someone else's sin."

"Tread carefully." Uriel said. Being compared to Lucifer was too big a thing. "We're trying to stop just who you mentioned from walking."

"Isn't that what I'm doing?" Dean asked. "Look, just tell me what you know, let me handle this one, and you guys go handle whatever it is you handle."

Castiel sighed. Tiredly. To Dean seemed the guy was always tired. And told them what they knew. "And that's it."

Dean nodded. "Great. Now I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll handle it." He said and looked from Uriel. "The mud monkey might faint from hunger after all. Come on, Laura."

She looked at Uriel, eyes sad. "Doesn't change anything. You come here and make threats because someone who is trying to help you is rude but you let the people that raise me get away with it. " She dropped a chaplet at the angel's feet. "If this is what the angel of peace and repentance is about... I don't want anything to do with Michael. " She said and then left the room heading for the car. Her tone wasn't angry. It was almost as sad as her eyes.

Dean shook his head and followed her out to the car. "You know what they say about rotten apples." Dean said as he turned the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot. "I'm guessing he's the rottenest. At least I hope so. Castiel's not too bad."

"No he wasn't.... but he isn't an archangel." She said. "He has different ... pressures." She almost felt bad for what she had said but not really. He was a bully and that was heart breaking. But she would get over it. Her middle name was Michaela not Uriel or some variant. But she knew that they would get to be more intense as they went up the chain in the Archangel hierarchy. Which meant that Michael was something she wanted nothing to do with. By comparison she was sure he would just walk into the room and lay them out stone cold dead for daring to look upon the image he had chosen.

"Right now he's hot air. Apparently God needs me for some odd reason, so he's not going to throw me back into the pit anytime soon." Dean said. Which was why he mouthed off all the time. Oh, he might regret it later, but right now it was a great stress reliever.

"He may be a jerk but I don't think it's all hot air, Dean... be careful, please." She said. "He hates you. It's in his eyes. I think he hates all of us, but he really hates you."

"I'm mouthy and disrespectful." Dean said with a shrug. "A lot of people really hate me. Really, don't worry about it. I'm alive until this is over. It's been made painfully clear to me."

Laura swallowed a lump in her throat at that. She couldn't imagine that Dean deserved to go to hell. Yeah she understood that he had made a deal... but they had taken him out and he was doing what they wanted. That had to account for something. "Have you talked to God about that?" She asked. "Yeah it's going over their heads but it's allowed you know."

Dean got a pained look on his face. "We're not exactly on speaking terms." He said. "I sold my soul willingly and went to hell. No one twisted my arm. No gun to my head." Just a dead brother. "And while I was in hell....well, it was hell. I don't know how to pray, that was Sam's deal. Besides, like I said, think he's got a mute button on all calls from me."

"He doesn't have a mute button." She said. "He just doesn't always answer yes, anymore than a mortal father does." She told him. "You gave yourself up for someone else. It's not like you sold your soul to get fame and fortune. He chose you, Dean. He has to have seen something in you. You aren't a blunt instrument. That's what he has Archangels for. Going out and wiping whatever it is that he has damned off the face of creation. He wouldn't choose a human for that role. There has to be something about you that he likes."

"My brother prayed. Every day. All he got for his trouble was a fallen angel wanting him to command his demonic army. Not to mention that little part about him being dead and all." Dean said with a sigh. "What would I pray for? For Uriel to back off? For him to get a time out? Apparently God wants him down here bugging me for a reason."

"Forgiveness." She said gently. "I know you say you don't regret your decision to sacrifice yourself for your brother, but you are carrying something around inside you that is eating you alive. And I know you don't want to go back to hell. Forget about the fallen, or Uriel. They are who and what they are... this is about you... about finding a little peace, even if it's only for a moment. "

"One month up here is equivalent to ten years in hell." Dean said, staring straight at the road. "Believe me, forty years in hell, I've got a lot to eat me up inside. There's no forgiveness for it. I wasn't strong enough, and that's that. And now the fate of the world is resting on my shoulders. Nothing God can do for any of it. He might forgive me, but I can't forgive myself."

"People crack under less, with only mortal man applying the torment." She said. "Cases of brain washing, tormented children furthering the abuse as adults. Forty years is a long time no matter where you are. You can't blame yourself for not being strong enough. No one was made to be strong enough to withstand that."

"I should have been." Dean said as he pulled into a diner. "And Uriel knows it. Come on, let's get something to eat. I'm dying for some coffee."

She sighed and nodded. "Funny... hero or not... I always thought you were human. Frailty and all." She said as she got out of the car. He was going to kill himself from the inside out. Neither the demons nor archangels were going to have a chance.

Dean shrugged and got out of the car. "I've had enough theological debate for a day." He said tiredly. "How about some coffee and we plan our next move?"

She nodded again. There wasn't much else she say really without it sounding like she was badgering or something. She didn't want to badger. She just wanted him to find peace. Maybe some hope. "Coffee sounds good."

They grabbed a table, ordered coffee and food. Dean's food should come with its own defibrillator, but he liked it. "Gonna hit the can." He said as he headed to the bathroom. Forgive himself? That was a joke. Not when he saw everything in front of his eyes every moment. Sam thought it was just in dreams, but it wasn't.

Laura worried about Dean. So much weight on his shoulders and the archangel adding even more pressure. Didn't they realize that the man could crack under all of that? From what she had seen, Uriel was probably counting on it. The other one she wasn't so sure about.

She rose and pulled on her hoody, and made sure there was a tip left on the table. She turned around and almost screamed.

"We've been so worried about you." Said the man she had grown up calling Dad.

"Stay away from me." She said as she started to inch toward the restrooms and Dean.

"Move another inch that direction and he is dead." The man said quietly. "Be a good girl and walk outside with me. There is no reason for anyone else here to get hurt. "

Dean splashed cold water on his face and left the restroom. And she was gone. He looked in time to see the car rush out of the parking lot and ran to his own car. The Impala was a tank. And more than that, it was a fast tank as he slammed on the gas and peeled off after the car.

Laura looked out the back window, hearing the sound of the Impala gunning its engines. It was a beautiful sound. "You're screwed now." She said as she struggled with her former brother in the back seat. Her father drove like a mad man, taking the winding back roads at high speed.

"You think so?" Her brother Justin said. "I think we'll lose him." He said as he struggled to hold his sister in place. Thank God for child safety locks.

Dean pulled alongside the car and thought fast. "I'm sorry, baby." He said with a wince as he jammed the rifle down on the gas pedal. This could turn out good or very very bad. Cranking the window down, he did his best to steer the car straight as his legs hung out the window, kicking at the windows.

"Thank god?" She yelled "Oh that's nice coming from a guy wanting to let Satan out of hole in the ground " She said slamming an elbow in between his ribs as hard as she could, all the while kicking and lashing out with her legs at the back of the driver's seat. Even if they crashed and were killed they wouldn't be getting her blood back to that alter. "You are so off my Christmas list."

Her adoptive father was swearing as he tried to swerve, but the point was to bring the girl back alive, which limited his options as he reached back and backhanded her, trying to keep control of the car. Dean kept kicking at the window until it finally gave then went back into the car and repositioning himself.

Apologizing to his car over and over in his head, steering with a foot, the rifle still holding the gas pedal down, he leveraged himself and reached for her through the window, managing to punch Justin in the face a couple of times. "Come on!" He called.

Laura reached for Dean and grabbed onto his arms holding on for dear life. She kicked at her father and brother as she was pulled out of the car and into Dean's car. She continued on to the passenger's seat. "What do you need me to do?" She asked quickly.

"Nothing yet." He said as he slammed on the brakes and reversed, speeding back to the motel. Cutting off people along the road and nearly taking out a mail man. "Just get into the motel, grab our stuff and we're gone." He said as he looked over at her. "Are you okay? Are you bleeding? I see blood."

She looked at herself then at Dean. "It's you." She said breathlessly. "Okay... okay you find out where you are bleeding, I'll get our stuff and the first aid kit." She said as she got out of the car and raced through the room packing what little was unpacked and hauling it out. She tossed it into the back seat and grabbed out the first aid kit before resuming her position in front.

"Arms." Dean said as he pulled back out of the parking lot. Headed out of town and fast before her family regrouped. "Must have cut them on the glass as I cleared it off." Wouldn't surprise him. Sam would laugh his ass off, getting all hurt like that. Of course, Dean would just remind him that Sam was the one that broke his hand wrestling with a dead girl, not him. "I'll be fine." His normal mantra.

"Yeah, whatever." Laura said. "You just drive." She told him as she opened the first aid kit and took out a pair of tweezers. "And show me how manly you can be." She said as she leaned in closer and started fishing out tiny squares of glass from the larger of the gashes on his arms. He wasn't going to wait and she didn't think it was wise to leave things in there any longer than necessary.

"You know, they're kinda happy in there..." he said with a wince, "all nice and warm and all." He said as he drove a couple of towns over and found a motel with a covered garage. Better to hide the car in, since they knew what his car looked like. "Ow!" He said as she took out a particularly large and jagged piece of glass.

"Well... I know how to sew... not sure that counts as far as being able to put in stitches but... that's going to need stitches." She said "I'll go see about a room. Then we'll take care of the other arm." She said setting aside the offensive tweezers.

He handed her a credit card. "Don't ask questions, just know it's untraceable." He said, since the name wasn't Dean Winchester. "Stitches, huh? Just my luck."

"Okay... no questions...and yes, stitches." She said, and went inside to set up the hotel room. Suddenly becoming Mrs. Ulrich, and not asking questions. She didn't want to know. Because it didn't matter right then. Laura took the key and hurried back to the Impala. "Okay we're in room 105. It's around to the back on the end. " Which was close to the parking garage and away from view of the main road.

He drove to the room she had gotten and went in after she unlocked it, a bag slung over one shoulder, and his hand holding the worst of his wounds.

Oh Jesus Christ. One bed. He was definitely being punished for hell. As if hell wasn't punishment enough! He cleared his throat and shrugged off his remaining layers, dropping the bag on the floor. "They're not so bad, really. Barely hurt in fact. Band aid and I'm all good." He looked at his arms. "Okay, lots of Band-Aids."

"Oh quit being such a big baby." She said, although she didn't blame him in the slightest. "Here" She said and handed him the bottle. "Unless you prefer something in tablet form." She then moved to the arm that she hadn't been able to get to. "Thank you." She told him as she climbed up beside him and started to dig at the glass once more.

With his free hand he drank from the bottle. That had become a habit of his lately. So far she was the only one not to comment on it. Then again, if he had been completely sober, he wouldn't have tried what he had done to get her free. So there were some upshots to it. "You're welcome." He said as she dug more glass out of his arm. "Hope your brother's face is hurting too." He said as he flexed and stretched his hand. He'd landed some good punches on the guy.

"So do I." She said as she finished up and then started to clean the wounds. She was running on what she hoped was logic, and not just too much TV. She knew that he drank too much. But he had just escaped hell, believed he was going back, and the angels weren't helping his stress level either. The man was going to explode from stress. So she kept her mouth shut about it.

"Okay... here goes my very first attempt at stitches. Hope you like cross stitch. It's all I know how to do." She teased. "Might be prettier than a tattoo though. A little less masochistic even... less poking going on. " She said, beginning her random patter as she worked on his arm.

Dean chuckled. "I have a tattoo." He said. Sure it was an anti possession tattoo, but it was still a tattoo. "This doesn't hurt so much." They were wide gashes, but not overly deep. He lucked out there. But he still drank. Would do wonders for sleeping, right?

She finished up with both arms and put things away before coming out and taking the bottle from Dean. "Does it really help?" She asked, not sure she wanted to try it but what the hell? Her father and brother had just come to try and carry her off to her death. Again.

"Does wonders for almost keeping bad dreams at bay." He said with a chuckle. Almost. But there weren't many people with dreams like his. Thankfully.

"Almost huh... doesn't sound too useful then. " She said as she set it aside. She looked into his eyes, loving the color of them, but they were so very sad. Haunted. This was what they meant by haunted eyes. "You are an amazing human being." She told him softly.

"No I'm not." He said with a shake of his head. "Trust me, I'm not. I just know how to do some things, that's all." Why was it no one else saw the truth about him? Except maybe Sam. Maybe he had wised up, and that's why he left. Dean didn't know, but it was as good a theory as any.

"Yes you are. You do this... you save people even though in the end you believe it isn't going to benefit you even a little. That is amazing. You can see all of this ... fight all of this... and still you can care about people... love people. that's amazing."

He'd never seen himself like that. He still didn't but he liked the illusion she saw. Sometimes illusions were good. He was barely holding on these days, all the alcohol in the world couldn't numb it, but sometimes the illusion of a different perspective was nice. It was a nice change.

He'd lost more blood than he would admit to, and he'd drank enough to keep alcohol factory workers employed for another day. Plus there was this huge adrenaline surge from what he'd done to rescue her. Didn't hurt that she was beautiful and sexy without being trashy, and didn't see him as the monster he knew he was.

All of this led to really, really impaired judgment as he kissed her.

She responded to his kiss tentatively. First one after all. And she liked it. She liked it a lot. She moved closer, a hand on his face, lightly caressing . She had thought about kissing him. Couldn't imagine that any woman wouldn't imagine kissing him. Those lips were so enticing. It had never seemed the right time, or she could never find the nerve when it was a good time.

He should stop, that sane part of his brain was yelling at him. Unfortunately, even under the best of sober circumstances, his sane brain was the part he seldom listened to anyway. No wonder it screamed so much. It definitely registered in the rest of his brain, especially the virgin part of it all, so his whole approach changed to accommodate that. He pulled back a bit, let her run the show up to a point, and then led the way. The magic stop word, Stop, never came out. That was one that always stopped him in his tracks, but she never said it. No hesitation on either of their parts.

Next thing he consciously knew (though he remembered and enjoyed every single moment), the only thing she was wearing was a necklace, him bandages, the sheets were an absolute tangled mess, and they were both grinning.

She nestled in closer. "Wow." She said a little breathlessly as their bodies were still intertwined, even if no longer interconnected. "I can see where this could be habit forming." She teased lightly.

Samael stepped up beside Uriel. "Voyeurism... that's a new one. But hey, a guy has to have a hobby. I'm liking this one more than the other one you've picked up. Stripping believers of their faith."

"He's sloppy. And our father decided we need him to win this war." Uriel said and glanced at Samael. "Who are you to decide on hobbies, demon lover? Are you on our side today, or hers?"

"Our Father decides many things that we are not given to understand. It's not our place to question or interfere. Which by the way, you have done both." Samael said quietly. "I have always been where I am supposed to be. If I were not, I wouldn't be an angel any longer." His mission wasn't Uriel's business. He had failed, yes. He had fallen in love with his target. Had let things slip that he shouldn't have. But he was taking action now. Through another but that was how it was meant to be. He had his own name sake to care for.

"When everyone stops reaction to Winchester like he's the second coming of Michael, then my comments will stop." Uriel said blandly. "Or coddling his demon blooded brother. But you know a thing or two about coddling demons, don't you?"

"Michael doesn't mind so much. " Samael said with a shrug. "He finds it amusing. But then he doesn't have an ego problem. He remembers who and what he is and what he has done. But you are pushing too hard. You have already weakened the cause by separating the brothers. Together it would have been so much simpler. "

"The other one was a liability." Uriel said with a shrug. "I've been ordered to keep Dean Winchester safe. Not Sam Winchester. His very existence is abhorrent to me, and the fact that his brother sold his soul for that waste of flesh, selling the one true gift from our Father, it's disgusting. It proves what a weakness Samuel is for Dean. It's been decided we need Dean to win. So Dean will be kept safe. He can self destruct later. Why are you here?"

"Because our Father has decided that Samuel is also needed and Castiel can't be expected to watch both." He said with a certain degree of smugness. "You let your emotions interfere with your judgment." He told him. "That isn't just me speaking." Samael stated. "Do not interfere with Samuel again. If the brothers reconnect, it is to be allowed. They are stronger together no matter what your... delicate sensibilities ... tell you. Oh and... Michael is a bit miffed. He misses the girl's prayers. Make amends with her."

"And why are you here?" Uriel repeated. "I thought you were watching over the other brother. Not this one. He's not here. Go." Make amends? With a human? The human should be making amends with him.

"He is fine." Samael said "and I am delivering messages. Gabriel is busy at the moment. Besides, I wouldn't mind wiping that smug and self righteous expression off your face. " He said with a shrug. Uriel had been digging at him since the first time he had laid eyes on Lilith. Not the small child affect that she was using now. But the first wife of Adam. A creature more lovely and exciting than anything else he had ever seen. "The message is get over yourself, get over your emotions and do the job without creating more problems. You are creating problems that we may not be able to mend in time. These are things you do not want lain at your feet when the day is done Uriel. "

"Winchester will do the job, even out of spite." Uriel said. "Reverse psychology works wonders with him. Look! Castiel told him NOT to sleep with the girl. So he sleeps with the girl, thereby removing that element of that potential seal."

Samael laughed. "He slept with the girl because he is hurting inside and they are both feeling desperate, alone and as though both heaven and hell stand against them. Humans have needs. " He said and looked at the two of them. "And there was no sin in it." He said with a faint smile "Although I doubt either of them realize that yet. "

"Neither here nor there." Uriel said. "I never said there was sin in it. He should have done it on the first night, then we wouldn't have been holding our breath. He doesn't know it, but he's removed two seals from the table. Opening up the sky to fire would have opened up a whole other one. And you blame me for them having such thin skins? Have you heard how Winchester mocks us, our Father?"

"You perpetuate the mockery. You have him convinced that he is doomed no matter what he does. Of course he is going to mock you. He hides behind that mouth of his. He hides his pain and his fear and his self hate behind arrogance and mockery. The more you antagonize him, the more he will return the animosity. He has been to hell. Do you really think a mouthy Archangel will frighten him? Especially when he has no hope? Did you ever have anything to do with humans other than the killing part?"

"He's not afraid to go back to hell." Uriel said. "He doesn't want to go back, and will do most anything to avoid it, but if he goes back, he's resigned to it. My history with the mud monkeys isn't an issue here. Why are you talking to me? How much of this could we have prevented if you had just offed Lilith instead of screwing her?"

"How much could we have prevented if Adam hadn't been so worried about who was on top in the first place?" he countered "Or maybe we didn't threaten to kill her for not wanting to lay with an arrogant smelly prototype." Samael shook his head "It's your present that is the issue. Redirecting it at me isnt going to change that how you effect the Winchesters effects the state of this war. I've delivered my message. How you take it is on your head. Not mine."

"Of course. You benefit however this turns out." Uriel said. "We win, you can come home fully. We lose, you're the queen bitch's new consort. Of course it's not on your head."

"You don't know as much as you think you do." He said. There were punishments. He was instrumental in his own wife's destruction. Uriel couldn't comprehend that. "Now why is it you keep turning this conversation back to me?" He asked. "Avoidance issues? Or are you just that far gone, Brother. "

Uriel smiled thinly at him. "I'm on assignment. You delivered your message. Now go." He said, turning his dispassionate attention back to the couple on the bed.

Samael left then, nothing more he could say would have any impact. Although there were days that he really wanted to have an impact on Uriel … the old fashioned hands on variety. And if he interfered with his charge again, he would. Uriel couldn't be told about Samuels true importance lest he decide to simply eliminate the boy. Which would do nothing less than send Dean on a spiral course back to the infernal.

Heaven and hell warred over, through and within the Winchester brothers. Every major misstep had happened when they were alone. When the other was dead and they couldn't draw from each other's strength. If one were to fall the other would follow quickly behind, and heaven could not win this war without them. The girl was supposed to remind Dean of his humanity. That was why the word had gone down about her, rather than any of 600 seals that he could have been sent to protect. The man had lost so much during his time in hell. He had been tempered beyond belief and had more information in his subconscious about the enemy than any other human alive. But he was floundering and Uriel was doing his best to shove him back under.

He didn't envy Castiel his job.

His own job was no walk in the park. Although he knew in part that was punishment. Sam Winchester was the only one who could destroy Lilith. Not that he understood what that meant. Or the sacrifice it would take to do it. Which was why Samael had been so willing to bring him the book, with the binding spell intact. It would stop her without killing her… and it would keep his charge from losing himself completely.

At least that was what he hoped. He also hoped that Ruby was going to be an anchor for him as well. Where Dean was floundering under guilt and self loathing, Sam was adrift. He had nothing to bind him to his humanity, or the world around him. Except for his brother and a demoness that remembered how to love whether she wanted to admit it or not.

He sighed as he took his position, watching over the two of them. The only reason he could find them at all was because he was able to track the book. Sam he couldn't find without it. The demoness had made certain of that.

Sam picked up the bottle and took a drink. He was almost drunk enough. He could almost make himself do it. He wanted to know why. Wanted to know what had happened between shooting pool and getting back the next morning that had made Dean leave and send Uriel with the message. Although the damned archangel probably volunteered for the job. He picked up his cell phone and stared at it before setting it down once more and picking up the bottle in its place.

Eventually sorrow won out over common sense or even self preservation, and he picked up the phone and dialed the number he had on speed dial, waiting to hear his brothers voice on voice mail. He should be asleep right now. It was late enough. There should be no danger of actual contact.

Dean was sleeping, but he had his phone set to automatic speaker, in case Bobby called with something. So it rang three times, then kicked onto voice mail, where the message would be played for Dean to hear.

"This is Dean Winchester. Leave a message. If this is an emergency, call Bobby Singer at 555-555-5689 or my brother Sam Winchester at 555-555-3462. They can help." He hadn't taken Sam's number off yet. He should, since it didn't even work anymore. He just hadn't gotten around to it, to do that would mean Sam really was gone, and Dean hadn't given up yet. It would take a helluva lot to make him too.

Sam let a surprised ragged sigh escape his lips after the beep. He hadn't expected that to still be the same. "I don't understand." He slurred. "I just want to understand why." He knew that his brother wasn't there, that it was the voice mail but he said it anyway. Too fogged with tequila and exhaustion to really know what he was doing.

Dean was starting to wake up, stirring a bit in the bed as Sam slurred all over his email.

Then Ruby ran into the room. Sam's room that is. "Come on, we've got trouble." She said, throwing his bag at him. "Hunting down the last of the supplies, got caught." She said as a few demons flooded into the room. Sam wasn't able to put up the normal protections, because of Ruby.

The phone clattered to the table and Sam swore, but it was obvious adrenaline was kicking in and the fog was leaving his brain. "Get out." He growled at the demons, having little patience in that moment, and not nearly enough mental capacity as he needed right then. He almost didn't care if they killed him.

Ruby cried out as she was thrown into a far wall, the plaster of the ceiling above her shaking loose from the force of her hitting it, and crumbling at her feet. They were unprepared for this. They were outnumbered. "Sam!" She called out as she was punched. As a demon advanced on Sam, hands glowing dangerously. "Reach out! Get into their heads..."

Sam groaned slightly, still getting used to using the new abilities. "Stand still." he commanded the one advancing upon him. "Do not move" He growled, this time the authority rang out in his voice and the demon stilled. Sam looked to the other "Let her go. " he commanded, trying not to think about the raging pain in his head.

"You're doing it!" Ruby said, rubbing her throat where she had been held. "You're controlling the demons."

Dean woke up at the commotion he heard through his phone. Seeing Laura nestled beside him, as naked as he was, he first wanted to turn the tap on and see if it was running blood. T hat would be his luck. Then he realized the noise was from his phone and he eased out of bed and grabbed it.

"Sam?" He yelled into the phone. Catching the noise of the fight and Sam apparently now controlling demons. "Sam!"

"Go find us a car." Sam told Ruby, not hearing his brother's voice at the moment. "I mean it.. you don't want to be in this room right now." He told her as he moved to quickly wipe down the room, removing prints. Once the exorcism was done it was unlikely the bodies would be alive still.

He wasn't going to use the one power the Angels had told him not to use. Somehow it made sense in his inebriated mind that it was okay to control the bastards, just not send them to hell. He waited until Ruby was out of hearing range and began the Roman Ritual. He could have recited it in his sleep. Drunk and hurting was not a problem.

"Sam!" Dean shouted again. "Where are you? Dammit answer me." The connection was bad. What came out was "Sam....where.....me...."

The first demon went easily, comparatively, the host bodies screams choking off suddenly as it hit the floor, empty.

"you think you can win but you can't, Winchester." Said the other of the demons as it fought to stay within its host. "Every one of us you send back to hell is going to be waiting for you when you get there. Even your own brother hates you. He'll send you there himself. "

He stopped chanting, and glared at the demon "If I were you... I'd run when you hear I've entered the gates. " he said and raised his hand, no longer performing the ritual. Pain, anger and tequila eating away common sense. It barely took any effort to remove that demon from the host. His hold had been weakened by the ritual.

"Sam, don't do it!" Dean said. He was using his demon power, Dean could tell. If the kid would only listen. "Sam where are you? Sam, answer me, where are you?"

Sam opened the hotel room door. "Ruby." He yelled out into the night. "Come on. Let's get a move on." He said momentarily forgetting about his phone and how intent he had been to speak with his brother. "More will follow these two and my head is killing me."

Ruby came in, holding a set of car keys. "One of them stole a car, it will get us across state lines." She said. "You did it, you actually did it. You controlled the demons.....and it's only the beginning."

"Absolutely not!" Dean shouted. "Dude, talk to me. You called me, talk to ME not the demon bitch!"

Sam looked at the phone, hearing Deans voice shouting. 'absolutely not...you... demon bitch.' He choked then. "Yeah... the beginning. You're gonna have to drive. I'm too drunk. Would have to be." He said as he picked up the phone and closed it.

"Sam! Sam!" Dean shouted into the phone. Even as the screen told him the call had been ended. "Dammit!" He said and flung the phone across the room and sat down. This was great. Sam was controlling demons. And he wasn't sure what he was controlling them for. He'd heard snatches of the ritual, but that very ritual could be perverted in all sorts of ways. This was not good. And Dean didn't know how to stop it.

Laura sat up and nestled in close to Dean and slid her arms around him. She could feel the pain and frustration radiating off of him. His side of the conversation had been heart breaking. There was nothing she could say that would help. SO she simply held him, offering what comfort she could.

He sighed when he felt her arms close around him. "Sorry I woke you." He said. everything was wrong. "How are you?" He asked. they hadn't.....talked.....much in the last few hours.

"I'm fine" She said "But you aren't." Laura said as she rested her head on his shoulder. She wished she could take the pain away. But no one could do that but his brother. She didn't understand what she had heard and wasn't going to press right then for information.

He opened his mouth. He was going to say what he always said. I'm fine. But he wasn't. He really wasn't, and hadn't been for a long time. He wasn't sure he was fine BEFORE hell, never mind afterwards "No, I'm not." He admitted.

She settled into a comfortable position on the bed and pulled him into her arms and held him there. "Whatever has happened or is yet to come... you're not alone. " She told him. Sam had called. That had to mean something. But she wasn't going to bring that up in that moment. It was too raw, and she wanted him to lead the way. Pushing too hard even with encouragement could be painful and Dean had so much pain already.

Dean gave her a crooked grin. "Laura, everyone leaves eventually. That's the one thing I know for sure." His dad had left, a couple of times. His mom was dead. A lot of his surrogate uncles were dead. Sam was gone. Again. He'd died...a couple of times, one time it actually took. So he left too.

"Doesn't mean you're alone." She told him. "I'm not the only one that's here for you. Even if Bobby is a phone call away instead of right here, hanging onto you. The only person that can make you alone in the world is you Dean."

"You know, all I've ever really wanted, and it sounds really stupid," Dean said in a rare moment of complete candor, "is a happy ending. An honest to God happy ending. But every time I get close, it's just another descent into one hell or another. Found my Dad. Then he died. Killed the demon responsible for that, and sold my soul. Crawled and dragged out of hell, lost my brother. I just can't see the bright light at the end of this all."

She kissed his brow. "We'll just have to find what happiness we can in the moments we are in . Endings aren't all they are cracked up to be." Laura caressed his back. "And you haven't lost him. He called you." She said. "He reached out to you. He'll do it again. "

"I'm not sure I want him to." Dean said. "He called me so I could hear him control demons. That's not the brother I knew, Sam's taking dark steps and I can't stop him."

"Are you sure that's why he called?" She asked. "It's not like you can time demonic attacks. If I have learned anything traveling with you, it's that." She told him. "Don't give up hope. Don't let them take that from you."

"Who's them? The angels? The demons? The guy down the street who sold us bad coffee last night?" Dean said. "I don't know that I had hope when I woke up in a casket. I think that was one thing Hell took from me. And I wasn't able to get it back. Castiel warned me not to sleep with you, so I can't wait to see how this is going to turn out."

She frowned a little then. "Who I sleep with or don't sleep with is not  
Castiel's business." She told him. "It's mine. I wanted to be with you. You did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong. " She bit her lip a little. "From what I have been taught that is the purpose of hell... removing all hope.  
Hope is what keeps us going. It's the one human virtue I think the adversary wants to destroy more than any other. Because without hope, there is no faith, without faith no love. If they were stripped from you in hell... then we'll find a way for you to get them back. "

"Doubt they sell it at Rite Aid." Dean said with a chuckle. Then he sighed. "I guess I still have some. I'm not in a rubber room after all."

"And you still care." She told him. "You care what happens to complete strangers. It's not just a job to you. You have more hope than you think you do. " Laura said as she got up to retrieve Dean's cell phone. "Now... let's see if we can find out why he called. " She said as she handed it back to him.

Dean sighed and punched in the code for his voice mail, putting it on speaker phone. "I don't understand." His brother's voice slurred. "I just want to understand why." Then the chaos broke out.

"He's confused. That's his confused Sammy voice. I just don't know what he's confused about. His...abilities? Choices?" Dean sighed and put the phone away. "Life is screwed up."

"Well... at least you know he didn't call you to rub your nose in his choices." She said. "That's a positive sign, and of course life is screwed up. You are fighting against Armageddon. Unless you are an archangel ... that by definition makes life screwed up ." She said as she got back into bed.

"It's a neutral sign." Dean said as she settled back into the bed beside him. "Completely different than a positive sign. But neutral is better than negative. I don't want to talk about Sam right now. Not sure I want to...talk...at all."

"Talking isn't required." She said. She knew all about not talking. She never talked about what happened to her. Not even the second attempt. It was all shoved to the side, pushed back as far as she could get it because of what it would mean if she actually looked at it too closely. So she never pushed with Dean either. She had a family betrayal and near death experience to deal with. Dean had hell. Literal and figurative. It didn't compare.

Castiel never watched. And he tried to not listen. Letting his head fill with songs and hymns from home. He nodded to a comrade and followed Laura to a church. Dean was watched right now, getting some much needed sleep. He hated to push the boy. And felt Uriel pushed too much.

Castiel was still Dean's guardian, whether the boy wanted him to be or not. Whether Uriel agreed with it or not. It was for the good of Dean that he followed Laura to the church and watched her light candles, basking in the holiness and the peace of the building.

She knelt at a pew and said her prayers. Praying for Dean and his brother first, then going on to her devotionals. She knew that Dean had no faith and figured she needed to have faith for both of them. In spite of the angel that threatened to undo everything with a dirty look.

Castiel quietly sat down on the pew next to her. "He's a good man." He said quietly. "Most don't see it, they see the bravado. The con. But you do, don't you?"

She looked at Castiel, bristling a little until he began to speak, then she relaxed. "I've looked into his eyes." She said. "I know how corny that sounds, but have you ever looked into his eyes? Really looked? " She looked toward the front of the church. "He believes that no matter what he does, he is going back to hell and still he does this. He fights and he desperately tries to save as many people as he can along the way. How could anyone not see the good in him?"

"People, even angels, see what they need to see. And they believe what they need to believe. Or want to believe." Castiel said, looking straight ahead to a fresco of the Assumption of Christ. "Some of us question, believe it or not. On the pressure we've put on him. I've watched him since he was a baby, I always knew it was going to come to this point. I couldn't stop it, just guide." He said for her benefit. He wasn't an archangel. He was merely a guardian angel. "And questioned the wisdom of putting all of this on the shoulders of one man. But he's the only one that can do it. That I do believe, as unfair as that is."

"Did his brother leave because he wanted to? Don't give me the free will line, either. We both know that only applies so far. Did Sam want to leave? If he did... then I don't want to keep trying to encourage Dean to have faith in him if it's only going to lead to a broken heart. I don't think he could survive another one."

Castiel closed his eyes for a long moment. "I don't know." Castiel said. "I wasn't there. My greatest failure, I know. But I wasn't there. Have him keep the faith, though. Nothing bad will come from that. And between the two of you, it wasn't a sin. And it wasn't forbidden. It just wasn't commanded."

She smiled a little. "Good... he was a little worried about that. " She said. "Okay a lot worried. And not even angels can be everywhere at once. " Laura said. "I know I am asking touchy questions and all... but is it a given that he is going to hell when the war is done... or is he as free of it as... well... any human can be?" She didn't expect a blanket absolution after all. She just wanted to know if it was written in stone somewhere Dean Winchester goes to hell.

"Dean Winchester was in hell for the grievous sin of selling his soul. It's beyond a mortal sin. You know that. The soul is the one gift that God gave you that is pure and holy, a reflection of him." Castiel said, then paused. "But he didn't sell it for fortune, fame, anything petty. He did it for his brother, that kind of love can erase sin. He had to go to hell. He exercised his free will, it was a deal he made. But he goes back to hell only if he deserves it. The moment he took his first mortal breath this time, his slate was wiped clean. God always rewards the faithful, whether they know they have faith or not."

She heaved a sigh of relief then. "I don't suppose he would believe me that we should be flattered. Usually only saints get to speak with Angels. And then only briefly. Not that either of us are saints. Nor will we ever be. Although your partner...Uriel... he... it feels like he is trying to make sure Dean goes back. Make sure he fails. Does he hate us all so much?"

"He doesn't hate." Castiel said. "That's a strong emotion. We...ah....don't feel many emotions at all. We're not human, remember. Some at home feel to lay this on a mortal is a mistake. Mortals are by their nature fallible. Easily swayed. And Dean has been swayed before. He was always destined to do this. This is why a deal was so easily made for Sam's life. And why it was impossible for anyone to broker a deal to get him out."

"Because they wanted him out of the way when the apocalypse really started going." She said with a nod. "What's his brother's part in all of this?" She asked. "From what little Dean has told me, it can't be good that he is out there alone."

"Sam is hidden from my sight." Castiel said. "From all angelic sight. I can't tell you what his part is, there are some things that should not be told. But he does have a part in it. And Dean will see his brother again."

She nodded. "Fair enough." She said. "Thank you... for talking to me." Laura told him. "I have a bit of a temper and tend to get my back up when it comes to bullies. Even the ones that could turn me into a salt lick. But I wasn't upset with you the other day... not that it really matters if I was upset.. but.. well... anyway.."

"Michael misses your prayers." Castiel said. "Even angels need moments of inspiration."

"Is he like Uriel ?" She asked. "I mean I know he isn't like what was depicted. I just can't see him in a little skirt and blonde fluffy curls. I suppose you don't really have physical bodies at all... but... I guess I want to know if he calls us names too. It's a silly question. I know but... it matters. To me anyway."

"He calls you names all the time." Castiel said. "Your baptismal names. He knows you all. He's an amazing creature in his devotion. All of his duties involve you in one way or another. Guiding, protecting, and healing. Even keeping the Kingdom safe for when you finally meet him. He's nothing like Uriel."

She smiled brightly then, a shadow having left her eyes. "Then I will pray again. I suppose this war has to be hardest of all on him. " She said. "Being the first... you are all his little brothers... including Lucifer."

"Including Lucifer." Castiel agreed. "It is hard for him. He feels responsible for so much. I suppose not unlike Dean, in his own human mortal way."

She felt a tightness in the back of her throat. "Family is family. Doesn't matter what evil they have done ... even if you know they have to be punished or die... they are still family." She said. "And it hurts. Dean would do anything to pull his brother back from whatever ledge he is walking on right now. " She shifted the topic slightly once more from where it was going in her mind. "I don't think any power in heaven or hell could stop him from trying." She didn't tell the angel what she knew Sam had done. She didn't want to make things worse.

"Probably not." Castiel agreed. "They've tried before. Dean Winchester is not a saint. He takes the lord's name in vain, drinks far too much, and his thoughts are far from sin free. But if there's a mortal that could stand against heaven and hell, it would be Dean or his brother. They're a separate breed, and Heaven realizes that. Everything comes with a reward. Just trust that, it's not all in vain."

"I will. I don't know if I can make him trust in that." She said honestly. "But I will try. " She rose from her seat. "I should get back to the hotel room. He will have realized I am gone by now. He doesn't sleep well. "

"He wouldn't." Castiel said. "He trusts you. Don't break that. He's a good man, and a strong man, but he's still a man. Mortal and fragile."

"I know. I won't lie to him. I won't push too hard either. He can't take the pressure right now. " she said as she stepped into the aisle, went to one knee briefly, and then turned to go, pausing to make the sign of the cross in holy water before leaving the sanctuary.

The church was right down the street from the motel, and when Dean woke up, and she was gone, he panicked. Especially since none of her stuff was gone. Her family could have gotten hold of her. And sure, the ritual wouldn't work right now, but it wouldn't stop them from trying. So he breathed out a sigh of relief, pulling the Impala over to the side of the road when he saw her walking.

"Can I give you a lift?" He asked with a grin, leaning over the passenger seat.

She smiled brightly and got in. "Hi." She said. "I'm sorry. I hoped you would sleep through it all. I just felt the need, you know?" Laura said as she got in and leaned over to kiss him lightly.

"Yeah, next time, leave a note." He said with a chuckle. "I don't sleep very long. Just because I didn't hear you leave doesn't mean I wouldn't notice you were gone."

"Okay. I will." She promised. "Come on... let's make a burger run and go back and see what's on the idiot box." She suggested "Although I swear I am going to wind up as big as a house eating this way." She teased.

Dean smirked. "I'm sure I can figure out some way to burn it off." He said. The sky was clear and blue, birds weren't falling dead from the sky and the tap ran clear water when he turned it on. So he let go of the fear that he had caused something.

She gave a little purring noise "I can live with that" she said "oh and by the way. I have it on good authority that we didn't do anything wrong. "

Dean chuckled and shook his head. "Did they give opinions on positions too?" He asked. Feeling a little creeped out that they watched, or were even in the area actually.

She blushed. "No... Castiel just wanted me to know that it wasn't a sin... That's all. He said that it just hadn't been ordered to happen. I got the feeling he was uncomfortable with that part of the conversation." She said with a grin.

"I would imagine he was." Dean said with a chuckle. She was cute when she blushed. "They can't, you know. They don't have the parts. So even in bodies with the parts, they probably don't know where to start."

"I didn't ask." She said. "Although Nephilim had to come from somewhere you know... the children of angels and humans." She pointed out. "And I don't think it was immaculate."

"Been a long time since then." Dean said. "And that turned out so well, I'm sure God let them remember how to make Nephalim."

"You know... I don't think it's something you forget. However I bet getting your wrist slapped by God doesn't tickle." She said. "And since he wiped out the planet to be rid of them once... not likely it happened again. "

"Well, no worries. I'm definitely not an angel. Ask anyone." He said as he pulled into a burger joint. "But you can't take off like that, we don't know where your screwed up family is."

"You're right, and I'm sorry. " She said honestly. "I just didn't think you would want to go to church with me. Speaking of which, I need to pick up a few things before we leave town. Do you mind stopping off at a store here in  
town? It's a catholic based store. "

"We can do that." He said as they ordered food. "Not even going to ask, because it sounds like something I wouldn't understand anyway."

"I need to replace things that were left behind and I have something I want to get for you... something to make me feel better if nothing else." She said. "You have your versions of protections and I have mine." Laura smiled at him as she took a drink of her coke. "You have made all sorts of things work that shouldn't be able to since you're not...well anything resembling a priest with the blessings of the Pope." She almost giggled at the thought. "No reason to think other things won't work too."

"I have a priest outfit if that helps." He said with a grin. "I'm not wearing a crucifix. That would be disingenuous, don't you think? Besides, I have this." He said, lifting the amulet off his chest briefly. "And a tattoo to stop possession." He held up his wrist. "Hindi binding ropes to prevent...something, not sure. But it works."

"I wouldn't expect you to wear a crucifix. That isn't so much a protection as a remembrance that some things have the good sense to fear." She said with a shrug. "And I so never want to see you in that priest's outfit in the bed room." She laughed. "That in the same breath with binding ropes, never mind that it isn't what it sounds like and ... well... wow that's kinkier than I want to go right this minute."

"Especially in a burger shack. There are public ordinances against that you know." He teased her. "Fine, we'll stop by a Catholic store, if it's near a coffee joint we can multi task. I'll get coffee and you get...whatever. The plan is to drive straight through to the next seal, stop it, and then see what else we've got to do. Of course, I'll probably lock you in a  
protection seal beforehand."

"What? No... I want to go with you. I have to learn sometime after all. I can't just ride along and play Daphne. It's... It's just not right." She said.

"Okay. Apocalypse. Seal to open up hell. This isn't a ghost hunt." Dean said, shaking his head. "True, you're not a virgin anymore. It's pretty much impossible for you to open up a seal now. Doesn't mean I'm throwing you to the wolves."

"No... just yourself." She said with a frown. "What kind of seal is this... I mean... there might be some way I can help. There has to be some way . I take this whole apocalypse thing personally you know... that whole trying to kill me and bleed me dry thing really gets me upset."

"I understand that." Dean said. "Apparently another wacko group has some relics of some obscure saint. Of course that saint is a saint to the Satanic cults, but really it's just politics at this point. They're going to use his relics to open up a hole of some sort. So I get to destroy some bones. Should be fun. Of course they'll try to stop me, what are bad guys  
if not stubborn, right? Which means people shooting and stabbing. Really, you'll be better off staying behind. You ever handle a knife? Or a gun?"

"No." She said. "But you can teach me at some point. They are unholy relics?" She asked. "Wonder what would happen if we snuck in and consecrated them. Doesn't have to be all violence. Okay... how about this...we go to the town, see what we can sort out about these bones, and if looks hugely violent I will submit to being grounded to a protective circle. If not... then let me help. "

He sighed. "You're trying to out stubborn me." Dean said. "This could get ugly." He said with a chuckle. "But fine, deal. I can teach the research part, and see if I can get you not to shoot your foot off too."

She smiled. "Thank you. I have to learn to take care of myself sometime. Otherwise, I am just going to turn into this great white albatross around your neck."

"Most people, when they plan to take care of themselves, it involves balancing a check book, cooking, laundry and maybe some self defense. Not exorcism rituals, shooting and knife play." Dean pointed out.

"Most people weren't born to be sacrificed." She countered. "Most people think a sacrifice is giving up cigarettes or cable TV." Laura finished her food. "I'm not most people."

"You were most people about two weeks ago." He reminded her. "But okay, human sacrifice can change your outlook, I get it." He put their garbage on the tray and dumped it in the garbage pail. "Come on, let's go hit the places we need before we blow this town."

She got up and walked with him. "Hey... let's face it... you can't afford to be distracted right now. So my being able to protect myself is a good thing. I know it won't happen overnight but... there is no reason I can't learn to hunt as well."

"Whoa, stop." Dean said. "No hunting. Believe me, you don't want to get into that life. It changes people, breaks them in some way." He didn't know one woman hunter who wasn't broken, not even Ellen. She was broken in her  
own ways. His mother had tried to escape it. "Trust me, no hunting."

She didn't say anything further on the subject since he had promised to teach her how to defend herself. She certainly didn't want to point out that staying with him would lead logically to hunting because he would decide to drop her off at Bobby Singer's place and leave her there for safe keeping. "The store I saw earlier is around the corner from the church. Small towns can be so convenient like that."

"Small towns are convenient for a lot of things." Dean agreed as they drove the two blocks to the town. "I'll get some coffee. Give a scream if your family shows up." He said, though she would be in sight anyway.

"I won't be long. Can you get me a mocha... lots of whipped cream." She requested as she got out of the car. It didn't take long in the store. She replaced her rosary and her St. Michael the Archangel chaplet, then on impulse picked up a scapular and prayer book. She figured it couldn't hurt. They were fighting the forces of hell, after all. With that thought she  
picked up a few of the inexpensive children's rosaries. Was what he used to make holy water, after all.

It still blew her mind that he could do such things without the blessing of the church. Of course that was what had made her pick up the scapular in the first place. Maybe that didn't need so much official blessing either. And it would certainly tie a knot in Uriel's tail.

Dean got the coffees, and leaned against the Impala, drinking his. Nice, strong, black coffee. Long drive ahead of him after all. And just watched the area. The specter of her family showing up was always there. And Dean wondered if he should just be an ass to her father (if he showed) and announce his 'little girl' wasn't so much a little girl any more. But that would probably embarrass the piss out of her, so maybe he should think of another way!

"Get everything?" He asked when she appeared with her bag.

"Yep." She said as she took her coffee from him and made that purring yummy noise as she took her first drink. "Okay so unholy relics... " Laura said as she thought about the seal to come. "What if it's not someone's bones. Not  
all relics are body parts. Usually they have touched body parts but... well... you never know. "

"So we'll just go after everything they've got." Dean said. "Consecrate everything. That would be fun, besides. Nothing like making a Satanic altar all holy."

"Good thing I picked up a few extra rosaries, then." She said. " I could get into that." Besides, her patron saint was all over destroying anything to do with Satan, the devil, Lucifer, the adversary, or any other name he happed  
to be going by at that time.

"You're definitely a Catholic." He said with a chuckle. "No one else gets that excited over this particular subject." To him, it was another day's work.

"Are you kidding? I'm not only catholic, my patron saint is St Michael the Archangel." She told him. "You know, the one usually depicted with his foot firmly planted on Lucifer's head. "

"Wearing a skirt. Lucifer got his ass kicked by a guy who dresses like a girl. Now that's humiliation." Dean said with a laugh.

Laura sniffed, pretending indignation "Well, we can't hold his host against him, or the artists' interpretation of angels. After all... there are artists that would put all the archangels in diapers and hand them harps. " Although that thought got her laughing. It was an image she couldn't shake from her head. "Okay, I think I am going to be blind now... or wish I was. I don't think I will ever look at Uriel the same."

"Yeah, he doesn't seem so fearsome now, does he?" Dean said with a laugh. "Better than picturing your enemies in pink tutus, which was what I used to do when I was a kid. Nothing like seeing a big scary monster, and imagining  
him prancing in a frou frou tutu to take the edge off."

"Gave them the bugs bunny treatment, did you? Hey whatever works. Somehow no matter what I envision Castiel still looks... tired. " She said as she sipped at her mocha. "Gotta wonder what ever possessed Raphael to paint angels in diapers."

"Probably met Uriel and wanted to bring him down to size." Dean said as he pulled onto the highway. "Though I would have added more make up."

"Oh now there's a ghastly image. But then again I never would have believed Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze could have pulled off the dress wig and make up thing either. "

"And I'm glad I missed that movie." Dean said with a laugh. "Okay, we're about an hour out." He said as he pulled over to a secluded area.

"Oh it's a great movie! I love it. " She said. "A lot of intense drama and even better comedy." She said. "It just goes to show what powerful actors they all were. And Stockard Channing...wow. I have loved her since Grease  
though. Wished her part had been larger in Practical Magic."

Dean gave her a look that was between dumbstruck and blank as he got out of the car. "Really not sure I should give you a gun now." He said.

"Why? Because I like girl movies as well as superheroes and Indiana Jones?" She asked with a laugh. "You are a closet chauvinist." She teased. "I knew you were the protective type but never expected Chauvinism." It was a joke. She wasn't offended in the slightest.

He grinned as he popped the trunk. "I was raised by a marine. There's a very thin line between chauvinism and chivalry." He pointed out as he got out a small hand gun. "Okay, we'll start with this." He said as he loaded it with the rock salt rounds.

"Yeah that's what they all say." She said, winking at him. "Chivalry I like. If I have to put up with a little sexism along the way, I suppose I can deal with that. " She said as she watched him load the rounds. "Okay... so where is the safety?"

"Yeah, about that." Dean said. "They're all modified. Safeties have been removed. So rule number one. Don't point it toward yourself or anyone you don't want to shoot." He said, handing her the gun. "It's all right, it's just rock salt. You shoot me, it'll sting like a son of a bitch, but won't kill me."

"Maybe you should stand behind me." She said as she pointed the gun straight down. "So what am I shooting at?" She asked. It was strange to hold in her hand. It was heavy, and it made her think about the weight of her decisions  
when using it. Of course if she was using it, then what ever was coming at her needed to be shot.

"Kids hang out here. I can tell." He said. "So we'll shoot at scattered beer cans." He said, moving behind her. "Okay, this hand goes like this," he said, moving her non dominant hand to cradle to base of the gun. "Arms straight. Aim right through there."

"Okay." She said as she took a deep breath and held it as she pulled the trigger. She wasn't a natural. But the round struck near the can at least. She was tense, but determined. "Well... I don't suppose I should have expected to hit the first time firing one... right?"

"Relax." He said. "Take a deep breath. And just listen. Shoot between the heart beats." Dean said. "Don't squeeze hard, don't jerk it, just squeeze. Deep breath, heartbeat, squeeze."

"Bet that isn't easy when fighting. Between the heartbeats, I mean." She said as she took a deep breath, as directed, waited until after the heart beat and squeezed the trigger. It struck close enough to move the can even though it didn't actually penetrate.

"It's easier. Your heart beats faster, so you shoot faster. Increasing your chance of hitting something." He said. "But you're doing good. Just remember to breathe."

She adjusted a little, took another deep breath, and waited a split second before firing and hitting the can. "I did it!" She exclaimed.

"See? You can do it." Dean said. Much better results than how his father taught him. Of course he'd been younger, so he was easier to teach. Line the beer cans up, if he got them all he got a treat. Actually, not a bad way.....with some modifications of course.

Laura smiled. "Okay... a little more practice and I should be able to... well... mostly protect myself." She had no illusions of getting as good as Dean was with a gun. Didn't need to be. Just needed to be good enough.

"That's all you need to be." He said as he moved away and set up some of the discarded cans on branches and discarded containers. "Now here's how you reload it." He said, showing her how to set the rock salt in the chambers.

She nodded, as she watched him intently. She knew this was something she couldn't afford to screw up on. Although it didn't look as complicated as it could have. She waited for him to get behind her again before raising the weapon and firing at the targets he had set for her.

"Okay, not bad." He said as he watched her. "Keep your arms straight, lock your wrists, the gun won't move as much then when you fire it." Even if he trapped her in a protective circle, humans could still get in. This would give her a chance. He'd just load the gun up with tranqs then.

She nodded. "Okay," she said and adjusted her positioning and fired again, this time hitting the target dead on. The next one wasn't so squarely hit, the next hit at the top spinning it off its stand.

"Great!" Dean said. "Definitely earned a cookie." He said with a grin. Now the only test was if she could do it in a panic situation, which wasn't something he could replicate anyway. And they didn't have time for all the repetition he had done as a child. "Come on, you did good."

She smiled at him, and kept the gun pointed at the ground as she handed it back to him. "Thank you... for teaching me. " She wouldn't feel so useless or helpless if something came up again. He had so much on his shoulders that she didn't want to be another burden.

"No problem." Dean said. "And believe me, safeties are just pains in the ass, you're better off without them. So ready to go take on a satanic cult?" He asked with a grin.

"Oh yeah. Armed with holy water, rosaries and a kick ass guardian angel? Oh yeah. Sounds like fun" She said. It sounded scary as hell but not as scary as waiting in a hotel room and hoping Dean would make it back in one piece.

He chuckled. "The angels are off stopping another one, you'll have to settle for me. And believe me, I'm no angel." He said with a grin.

"Yeah well you have saved my life more often, so I think I can handle that." She told him with a smile. "Besides, I'm really liking the fringe benefits."

"I'll definitely agree the fringe benefits of this hero gig completely makes up for the not getting paid part of it." Dean said with a laugh as he packed the gun away in the trunk. He was still undecided if she was going in. If it was simple enough, it shouldn't be a problem. But when were things ever simple enough?

She got into the passenger's seat and buckled up while waiting for him. She could very easily fall in love with this man. She wasn't entirely certain that she hadn't. There just wasn't any time to sit back and look at it logically. Evaluate her feelings verses the ideals she had of love. But then again, what did ideals have to do with anything in the world they found themselves living in? They were existing literally between heaven and hell. The world could end tomorrow or it could go on indefinitely. There was no time to worry about it or put names on it. Just barely enough time to feel  
and enjoy.

Dean turned on the radio and they drove in comfortable silence to the town the angels had told him about and they grabbed a motel room. Dean lugged his gear out and set it on the floor, sitting next to it as he started to go  
through it, cleaning what needed to be cleaned, sharpening what needed to be sharpened. It was a relief not to have to fill the space with noise all the time. Words just to say words. Even with Sam, he had that feeling.

She sat on the bed, silently praying the rosary. They were going in to battle evil, hopefully it was nothing more than a consecration, but never the less she wanted to be prepared, centered and in the right state of mind. Once completed she slipped it around her neck, and took out the book of prayers she had picked up and marked a few that she thought would be useful. She dropped one of the plastic children's rosaries into a large water bottle and prayed over it.

She then sat back on the bed and waited.


	6. Weight of the World

* * *

Chapter 6: the weight of the world

_Feels like the weight of the world  
Like all my screaming has gone unheard  
And oh I know you don't believe in me  
Safe in the dark, how can you see?_

* * *

Sam turned up the CD and Seether was soon blaring through the ware house as he began cleaning. It had cost a small fortune to rent the place for as long as he was going to need it. He had hustled a lot of pool over the last week to be able to afford it since he couldn't risk being found though the credit cards or worse having them discovered to be fake before he was through with his task.

But it was ideal. More of an abandoned mill than a warehouse really. He had used the debris to practice his TK and the increased strength that came from the demon blood flowing through his veins. He figured if he was going to be damned for no fault of his own then he was going to at least earn that damnation.

"I could bleed for a smile, could die for a gun" Sam bellowed out with the music, not letting himself really listen to the lyrics. "Walk away from the sun and tell everyone" he sang slightly off key with the increased volume. But it made the work easier as he swept "So tiny dancer beware, we're medicated and scared This smile is so hard to wear, but I have no gun"

Ruby watched from the side lines. He didn't know she was there. She hadn't made her presence known since coming back from her last round of errands. She wanted to see how Sam was really doing. His choice in music said a lot whether he realized it or not.

Although his choice of medication was a particular Mexican brand of tequila, and he had more guns than any three men could ever use. As though they could protect him against anything that was coming. Nothing could protect him from what was coming. Not his guns, not his rituals and not the half fallen angel that hovered nearby. What was coming Sam had to face head on, and she didn't know if she could prepare him in time.

He still missed his brother. That had been made evident by the phone call he had made. It was what was eating him alive. He had been afraid of the angels distain. The knowledge that hell awaited had terrified him. But he would have stayed and faced that to be with his brother. Heaven could reject him but so long as Dean did not, Sam was fine.

Sam wasn't fine now. In fact Sam was beyond not fine.

Still the music blared. Lyrics rattling the walls, saying things that she knew was going through Sam's heart. "Go unnoticed Let the freedom wash away, Losing focus, The pretense is second nature, It's a broken life that I cling to, Trying to make right"

She wondered how much of Sam was really Sam. He put on the pretence of being the same old Sam when he was with Dean but she knew he was broken. Had been since Deans death. She Knew that he was floundering, trying to define himself without his brother. She wasn't enough for him. She knew that. No woman ever would be. He and Dean were almost symbiotic. But Dean would be the death of him. That she knew. In the end the only thing that could stop Sam, was his brother. Even if he didn't know it.

"Yes I see you Surrounded by the hopeless When they need you You're much too good and bloated By the hopeless life that you cling to Try to make right" the lyrics continued, and Ruby turned and walked away, unheard and unseen.

Travel was easy. Demons weren't bound by their hosts physical limitations. She was in North Dakota within moments. Watching as Dean and his new traveling companion made preparations. She obviously wasn't a hunter, and she wasn't Deans type. Must be some stray waif he picked up to protect. Someone angel approved.

She wasn't sure why she was there. She hadn't expected to See him laughing and flirting. She had expected to see a bitter, angry man. Someone that could abandon his brother for some imagined slight. She would have settled for some sign that he had left unwillingly. Maybe to keep Sam safe from the angels she could feel nearby. But Dean looked more at peace than she had ever seen him. There was still guilt in the eyes. But it wasn't enough. It would never be enough after what he had done to Sam.

She wanted to kill him in that moment. Wanted nothing more than to feel his hot blood run over her hands and to hear his final heart beats. He didn't deserve to be at peace for even a moment when Sam was still raw and bleeding .

But she didn't. She wouldn't. It would destroy what was left of Sam for Dean to buy it. Even if the man was going to be his death. Literally and figuratively.

"Hey, if I can bless holy water, you definitely can bless holy water." Dean said with a chuckle as he packed everything away again. Everything set. Even the lighter fluid was full in case he had to burn the place right down.

"Things that I used to think could only be done by a priest." she said "Which leads me to believe other things work without the need of being catholic as well" She said as she took something out of her pocket. two squares of cloth, held together with two long brown cords. "I'd like you to wear this." she said.

Dean took it. "What the hell is this?" He asked with a chuckle. "This is exactly something that Sam would pull, want me to wear something ridiculous in the name of the job." He said, his jaw tightening up at the mere mention of his brother, his shoulders slumping slightly. There was a whole piece of him missing, and he couldn't look for it. He didn't know where to start.

And the angels, damn it, they were right. If the world ended because he was looking for his brother, he'd never find his brother because he and his brother would be dead. "I left something in the car." He said, getting up quickly and going out to the Impala.

His sanctuary. The one place where even when the world was mad, at least this space made sense. He leaned against the passenger side of the car and ran his hands over his face. His brother had left, there was nothing Dean could do about it, and yet every cell in his being was screaming for him to do something about it. Torn didn't even come close to describing how he  
felt. "Damn it Sam..." He whispered to himself.

Ruby watched, brow furrowing. She debated speaking with him, but knew that the minute she showed her face the angels would appear and that would be that. Was it the angels rather than Dean that had sent him packing? If she asked that question out loud and got the answer for it, she would have to tell Sam. He would come back and he would die. She couldn't allow that. She wouldn't let the angels kill him, and they would in a heartbeat. So maybe it was better that she didn't know.

The frustrating thing was now she didn't want to kill him. She had really liked those thoughts of just... killing him and having done.

Laura waited several minutes before going out to the car. "I'm sorry." She said quietly.

Dean recollected himself. He'd done a lot of that, pulling himself together just because he had to. Not because he wanted to. The strong face. The one that denied fear, and hurt, and loss. "Don't worry about it." He said as he dug through the Impala for...whatever. Had to cover, he had an image to protect. And even she needed the image. If she knew how lost he really  
was, she wouldn't feel as safe as she did. He found his iPod, and a bottle. "All set."

His drinking hadn't slowed down. Since Sam left, it had picked up even more. But it wasn't like anyone was really saying anything about it. As long as he got the job done, no one said anything.

Laura stepped up to him, and turned him to face her. "No... Dean... no." She said. "We aren't all set and there is something to worry about." She told him as she caressed the side of his face. "You're hurting. I can see that. I have always seen that. " She told him. "You don't have to hide that from me."

"I'm not hiding." He said. "It just doesn't matter. I have to save the world and everything else has to fall by the wayside. It's just the way it is. That's my whole life right there in a nutshell. My brother took off, he's God knows where. Wait, God doesn't even know. I've got angels on my back to do what they pulled me out of hell for, and I've got a lot of hell to deal with, and there's no time. There's never any time. So we're all set, because we don't have a choice but to be."

"Yes you do." She told him. "You have a choice in how you deal with this. You don't have to bottle it up inside of you. It will kill you if you keep this inside, either that or the tequila you are trying to drown it in will." She had watched, she had seen how hard he drank. Had been waiting for the melt down. But he refused. "You don't deserve to carry this pain around with you every minute of every day. You don't deserve it. " He was punishing himself for something. She just wasn't sure what.

He chuckled weakly. "Trust me, you don't know what I deserve." He said. "Just forget about it, okay? I'm dealing with it. No one else likes the way I'm dealing with it apparently, but it's being dealt with." Drowning it was as good an option as any. And every time he got thrown around by some demon or spirit, he knew he deserved that. He probably deserved Sam leaving. He didn't deserve Laura, but he was so borderline self destructive he'd never point that out. Because he had a job to do and he had to be alive for the near future to do it.

"No... no you don't." She said softly. "And you aren't dealing with it. I can't make you do anything or stop you from doing anything. You have to make those choices yourself, for yourself. But you don't know how good you really are Dean." She stood up on her toes and kissed him lightly. "I wish you could see you through my eyes." She said as she went to get into the Impala.

Ruby rolled her eyes. God, leave it to Dean to wind up with a goodness and light Twinkie as a running mate. There was something just wrong with that. Maybe he deserved it, maybe he didn't but damn that chick was enough to give you diabetes. She was definitely not telling Sam about this.

Dean shook his head. Laura didn't get it, and she would never get it. He didn't want her to get it either. "Let's just go shut down this cult and move onto the next one." He said with a sigh.

"Okay." She said, knowing that it was Dean that didn't understand. But she couldn't come out and tell him the slate had been wiped clean. He wouldn't believe her. She wished Castiel would tell him. But she suspected that was because they were afraid of what Dean would do in order to change that. He was absolutely self destructive. "Let's go do it." The conversation wasn't  
over. But it was tabled.

Ruby watched them pull away. More confused than before. And planned to do nothing about it. Certainly not tell Sam. She liked him alive after all. And she liked him away from the angels. So she returned to the warehouse instead and slipped in, the music still blaring. She turned it down and leaned against the table.

"The coven should be here tonight. They're....odd. But okay." She said. "Not exactly women I'd choose to hang around with, it's Mother Earth this, and Mother Earth that, but they'll get the job done."

Sam laughed a little. "Mother earth huh? You found us a new age pagan group. " He found that amusing. "Hey as long as they have the power to back it up, sounds good. Those types are usually pretty much goodness and light." He said and frowned a little. "I figure we can have this place ready in a couple days if I keep at it." He needed to keep at it. Kept his mind off of  
things. Off of people. Work and tequila.

"Need some help?" She asked. "Other than drawing the goodness and light symbols." She said with a chuckle. That she couldn't do.

"Sure." He said with a smile. He could fake a smile. It had taken a long time to learn how but he had managed. "Let's get all this out of here." He said indicating the last of the heavy machinery "Between the two of us, you think we can do it?"

She laughed. "Between the two of us? We could totally remodel in a matter of hours." She said as she started to shove the machinery. It was good to have demon powers most of the time! And moving kept her mind off telling Sam about his brother. Though she was glad he was miserable. Sam was, why shouldn't Dean be?

Sam went back and forth between moving things physically, which was much harder but getting easier with each day, and shoving with his mind, which was easier if he let the anger float to the surface, harder if he didn't. Either way, it was much easier than it would have been without his  
abilities. Which was to say that it was possible at all. "Once things are ready, I need to go and get the vessel from Bobby." He told her.

"I can go get the vessel from Bobby." Ruby pointed out. "Leaving you time to put the finishing touches on everything here."

"No. He won't give it to anyone but me. I don't want them knowing who you really are." He said. He didn't want them coming after her. If they had turned on him, what would they do with a demon? If he lost her too, he would go mad with it. "Don't worry. I don't plan on staying to talk long. " And he didn't. He wanted nothing more to do with that life. That was a lie. Probably the worst he had ever told himself. He simply knew that it wouldn't do any good to want that life anymore. Better not to open himself up to more pain.

From his expression and his tone, she knew she'd made the right decision not to tell him about Dean and what she suspected. That the angels were behind the whole thing. Dean thought his brother left. Sam thought his brother tossed him out. Had to be the angels' doing. But if Sam knew that, he'd doubt. Then he'd angst and brood (more than he already was) before going  
back to that life with his tail between his legs. And that would only get Sam killed, which couldn't be allowed. She'd definitely made the right choice. And she had nearly convinced herself of that too.

Of course, if it ever came out, she'd deny any such knowledge. She was, after all, a demon when you came right down to it. Lying wasn't anything to new to her, though she'd always found the truth to be a more useful tool.

"All right." Ruby said. "Though it's sweet to worry about my safety, I'm not easily defeat able, remember?"

"This is Bobby Singer we're talking about. He could never hurt me. Any more than Dean could." Which was why he was tossed out. It had come to the point where Dean was going to have to if he didn't leave. That was the only way Sam could wrap his brain around it and not go mad. Still the words 'you demon bitch' were the last he had heard from his brother. "But that doesn't  
mean they couldn't or wouldn't hurt you. "

"He doesn't have to know I'm me." Ruby pointed out. "Different body, remember? And you already told him my name was Rachel."

"You don't want me going to talk to him. There something I should know about?" He wouldn't put it past her to spy on Dean and Bobby to make sure they weren't up to anything that would hurt Sam.

"Nothing yet. But why put that to chance?" She pointed out. "But if you want to see Bobby, I can't stop you. Well, technically I could. Except for that whole new ability you have, so I guess I am cornered there, aren't I?"

"You're not cornered. I don't go around using that power on you, now do I?" He said as he caressed her face. "I think it's sweet that you worry about my safety but I'm not easily defeat able, remember?" He grinned, tossing her own words back out at her. "I'll be okay at Bobby's place. Not gonna stick around and talk. Just... need to go get it myself."

"Oh that's low." She said with a chuckle as he threw her own words back at her. Good naturedly of course. "Fine, guess I have to let you go. In purely human terms, if I leave the demon powers out of it, you could outrun me anyway."

"Don't usually want to." He told her. "But if I follow that train of thought, we won't get any work done before our goodness and light coven shows up. "

"And we wouldn't want to shock them." She said with a grin. "You're right, they're not the heavy lifting type anyway. Just the chanting type."

"Yeah... so we get the heavy lifting done, and then, see what we can do about a shower. " He said, not that there was much cleaning he had in mind. He had something else in mind completely.

"You're definitely a leader." She said with a grin. "Look how well you inspire. And the whole conserving water thing, always plays well."

"What can I say? Saving the world one shower at a time. That whole carbon foot print thing." He said grinning back at her, before focusing on a heavy piece of machinery and shoving with his mind.

"You're getting better at that." Ruby said with approval as she moved things. Physically. She was half the size of Sam, but physically she was stronger.

"Yeah... never know when it's going to come in handy." He had spent far too often pinned to a wall unable to move anything but his mouth. Usually it got him in less trouble than his brother's, but that was just Dean. Pissing off the bad guy so they would focus on him and not... yeah that was a great train of thought. Things change. Everything changes. He just had to change  
too.

"I can think of a few times." Ruby said as she moved what she needed to move. "But again, we don't want to corrupt the goodness and light knitting group."

"Nah... no demon blood activity for the knitting and kabalah circle. Although they might be impressed with our attempts to stay green." He teased.

"I'm impressed with your attempt to stay green." She said with a grin. "And you keep talking about carbon footprints and water conservation, we're never going to get this room done."

He smiled broadly. "We could always talk about ways to practice the subtle applications of my abilities. " He told her as he continued moving the machinery around until there was a large open space with equipment and boxes piled high to block the first floor windows.

"Moving this stuff's a good start." Ruby said. "As long as you don't complain of a headache later."

"Not getting so many headaches with this. Sending messages is rough, and the whole controlling demons thing about takes my head off, but this is... this is okay." He said honestly, but that was because he had been practicing this more. It seemed harmless enough. Not something he had to worry about being high on the scale of evil deeds. Although he wouldn't have thought sending  
demons to hell was evil either.

"You've got that look again." Ruby said with a frown as she started sweeping. "The whole what would God think look. I hate that look."

"Yeah, well, I hate the feelings that go with the look." He said and shoved something a little too hard and it slammed into the wall with a sickening crash. "There are a lot of things that I hate right now, Ruby. Including the fact that I am angry and full of hate ." He laughed a little at the irony.

"So let's just get this ritual done and... put an end to this crap once and for all."

"Great idea." Ruby said. Maybe then he could distance himself from Dean. Give Dean the demon bitch that killed him, and she could start working on Sam from there. Rebuild him a bit. This full of hate thing wasn't good, even Ruby realized that.

"So... sorry... I don't need to take this out on you. It's just something I have to deal with. It'll get easier once this is done. " He promised. One way or another it would get easier. But it would never get better. That he knew for a fact.

"I know." Ruby said. "In the meantime, you get to enter estrogen hell." She teased. "That will be amusing all on its own to watch."

Sam gave her a dubious look. "How old are they again? Please tell me they aren't grandmothers." He had the worst luck with older women. The last one he had encountered had tried to sacrifice him... to herself, the one before that had tried to molest him on the dance floor.

Ruby laughed. "One is, she's the mother figure of the coven. The youngest is around thirty I think. One of them spoke quite highly about her cookie recipe. Weird people."

"God help me I'm doomed." He said with a melodramatic groan. "Frustrated mothers. It's like everyone of them has some radar that tells them I never had a mother. It's crazy... okay... you are in charge of granny wrangling... they start getting too... I don't know... granny like or maternal... get them off me... " Even more so if they were anything other than maternal but  
he didn't think he had to worry about her letting that slide.

"Don't worry, I'll beat them off and then further corrupt you with not even close to maternal activities. As long as you don't let them braid my hair. One of them went on and on about how she never saw this color before." Ruby said with a laugh.

"Oh that's encouraging. They are gonna start asking us about when we are gonna have a family. Grandmothers... why did it have to be grandmothers?" He said then smiled. "Come on...if we hurry we have time for that shower before they get here. that is if I can get the granny talk out of my head. You have no idea how much of a turn off grandmothers are. "

******

Dean poured the last of the salt around the edges of the building. Definitely Satanic, and showy at that. All sorts of symbols and paintings on the walls. The alter was a photo negative image of a Catholic altar. The place gave him the creeps and reminded him of things he'd rather not be  
reminded of.

"Okay, that should keep demons out. Humans still get to come in though." Dean said to Laura. "So let's get with the consecrating."

She nodded and entered the building. She began to pray in the name of St. Michael the Archangel as she walked through, holding the prayer book open to the pages she needed, not wanting to get a single word wrong, and the rosary wrapped around the wrist of her right hand. She held one of the bottles of holy water, sprinkling it over items as she came across them.

Dean patrolled the area, waiting for the shit to hit the fan. And even if no one came to interrupt them, he planned to stick around in a covered area and watch the reactions. Listening to the prayer, he recognized it, hunters used it all the time, surprisingly.

She finally came to the altar, removed the items, breaking those that were breakable, removing the altar cloth and scoured it with salt, rinsing it with holy water, then set a mound of incense in the middle and lit it. She could almost see him out of the corner of her eyes as she recited the prayers, a flash of light, so quick that you could never be sure that was what you were seeing or if it was your imagination. A faceless form in the back of her mind. She smiled as she fanned the smoke heavenward. The one thing in her life that had never been a lie was her faith. She clung to it, even though before having met Castiel she had thought she was losing her mind.

Dean surveyed the scene. "All right, let's get out of sight and watch the fur fly." Dean said with a chuckle. "This should be fun. I love frustrating people."

Laura laughed. "Okay, lead on. I've never done anything like this before." She told him, feeling the change in the room. It was almost physically tangible to her.

They hid outside the window, and Dean grinned like a kid on Christmas morning when the Satanists came to raise their demon, and found they couldn't. In fact, as they went through the unholy ritual, things started to burn. The whole building came down, the people making it out. Maybe. Dean didn't bother to take a head count as they headed back to the hotel.

Bobby was sitting on his front porch with his dog, a beer, and a case at his feet. Sam had called, and it was ready. Anyone else he might have charged a pretty penny for the work, but this was one of John's boys, so he didn't.

Sam drove the motorcycle up the drive and parked, removing his helmet before getting off the bike. "Bobby." He said as way of greeting. It hurt to be here. Hurt to know that there was always going to be an invisible wall between them. That was why he didn't stay last time, why he wasn't going to stay this time. It hurt too much, and the questions in Bobby's eyes were better left with no time to be voiced.

"Hi there, Sam." Bobby said, the concern showing through his eyes as he looked at John's youngest. "Where's the red head? Cut her loose already?" He asked, referring to the girl who had stayed by the bike the last time Sam was here. Because dammit, he was going to force Sam into a conversation one way or another.

"She's back at the hotel." Sam said. Hotel was a good word. It was believable. She was waiting at the warehouse, worried about him. "Her name is Rachel." He told the man who had been more of a father to him than his actual father. "I think things might actually work out between us." Although he wondered if he hadn't just cursed her somehow.

"Well, that's good." Bobby said, unsure what to say to the young man in front of him. "Sam, look, I know things are....difficult....between you and Dean....and I understand if you want to hold that against me in some way, but I don't play favorites between you two, never have."

"I don't hold anything against you, Bobby. I don't. But right now... how things are... until we stop what's coming, it's dangerous. The angels don't care about Rachel, she's not exactly off their radar but she isn't what they consider important... but you... Dean needs you right now. No matter the situation with Dean right now... which we're not gonna talk about...He's my  
brother. "

"And you're his brother too." Bobby said with a sigh. "You eating enough?"He asked. "Made some stew, you can take some back with you."

"I..." Sam wanted to stay. He wanted to walk inside and take a seat at that kitchen table and just be his old self for a little while. He wanted to know what was going on in Dean's life, if he was okay. But that wasn't going to happen. The conflict was almost physically painful. He had lost so much, and he had a feeling he was going to lose even more before it was done. Better that it wasn't Bobby that paid the price. "Thank you... Always did like that stew." He said, it was okay to take the stew. He just couldn't stay, couldn't go inside. That would undo everything.

"Well, come on in and I'll dish you out some." Bobby said, picking up the case. That was his leverage. Sam wanted it, Bobby had it.

The conflict played across his face. How did he say no, yet how could he say yes? "I'm kinda in a hurry." He said, lamely, not really able to manage anything firm in that moment; before Ruby had been waiting for him, watching him from the bike. He had been so full of pain. Now that pain had begun to heal, and the ritual promised to bring an end to the nightmare, even if Sam knew that reality, for him, wasn't going change back to anything resembling normal.

Bobby ignored that. "Waiting in the kitchen on you, boy." Bobby said as he pulled out a cleaned take out container and refilled Rumsfeld's bowl.

Sam stared at the steps leading up to Bobby's house and took a deep breath, hoping he wasn't making a mistake, as he climbed them slowly. He entered the door and looked around, ever cautious but he made his way into the kitchen and took a seat at the table to wait on Bobby. His heart was near breaking because he couldn't help feeling that something was going to go wrong.

"Now that wasn't so hard." Bobby said and put a bowl of stew in front of Sam, then smacked him upside the head. "I'm sure your daddy taught you better, and I know damned sure I taught you better." He said. "I'm not some by blow flop house you breeze through when you want something. Talk to me, Sam. What's going on?"

Sam's head bobbed forward and he smiled a little. This was Bobby, as Bobby had always been. "I don't know." He said and sighed lowly. "But, please, let's not talk about that." He didn't want to give voice to it. Didn't want to make it real by saying the words, Dean threw me out. It was ironic really, to be thrown out of nowhere. Kicked out of a home he didn't have. "I didn't mean  
to treat you like a blow by... flop house. I just... right now there are things I can't explain. "

"All right, you can start by explaining what exactly you plan to do with Lilith if your plan works." Bobby said. "Strap her on the back of the motor cycle and take a tour of the country? Rachel might object. Sure, I never got to talk to her," he said, giving Sam a look at that one, "but she  
seems the possessive type." Up to Sam if that was good or bad.

"I was thinking of taking her to Utah. Burying her as deep as I can manage in the salt flats. " He said, knowing he could trust Bobby with that information. "Can't think of anywhere that would honestly be safe enough from demons." They wouldn't even be able to set foot on the flats much less to the middle. "Sad to say I got that idea from a movie I saw once. Dean has..." He nearly choked. "Been a bad influence that way."

"Was actually thinking of moving out there." Bobby said with a chuckle. "But salt is hell on cars." He looked at Sam and sighed. "Well, if you need some help with that, you let me know."

"I will. " He said honestly. "I'm sorry about the last time. I just didn't know how things would be between us." He told him as he finished the stew. "Once all this is over... with Lilith bound, maybe things will slow down. " He knew another would take her place but maybe Just maybe, the next one wouldn't be as big.

"Most likely we'll be working together to stop the next big shot in town, but as long as there's a next time, I'm fine." Bobby said. He wanted to push about Dean. Prod. Poke. Interrogate if he had to. But....he finally got Sam to step into the house and act like the Sam he knew. Well, close anyway. Most of the time, it was SamandDean. Not Sam and Dean. Except for  
those four months....

"There is always another big shot in town." Sam said as he rose slowly from his seat. He was reluctant to leave, but he could see the questions already forming in Bobby's eyes. If he stayed too long they would come, and he couldn't answer them. He also couldn't bear to hear whatever excuse Dean was telling Bobby. "But I'll come around... when I can." They always had, but he would just have to be sure the Impala wasn't here before making himself known.

Bobby knew Sam was easing himself out. And he couldn't think of a way to stop him that wouldn't result in some sort of fight, or worse, Sam going silent. It was important to him to keep tabs on John Winchester's sons, however he could do it, so he accepted it for the moment. "Well, it was real good seeing you." Bobby said. "And actually conversing too." He said as he handed Sam the case and a big container of stew.

"I'll bring this back." He said indicating the container. "I'll let you know how things go. With the ritual and all." He told Bobby. He would send them word on how to get there. When to get there. He wanted Dean to have a chance to see Lilith put away forever. He needed to give his brother that much.

"All right." Bobby said as he walked Sam out. "It was real good seeing you again, you know. Don't be a stranger just because you and Dean have...whatever it is between you." He wasn't going to ask. Not right now.

Sam smiled, a genuine smile "See ya later, Bobby." That was a relief. That he didn't have to worry about the Dean situation and how it would affect Bobby. He had to be careful not to bring trouble to the older man's door, otherwise if he was careful they could still have their relationship. He made his way to the door and back out to the motorcycle without looking back  
. It was the only way he was ever going to leave.

***

Ruby was a good mile away. She couldn't be any closer. Not with what this ritual entailed. Sam had demanded it, and she'd given in. Not like she wanted to die after all. She liked life right now. She looked at the clock in the diner and resisted the urge to call Sam and see how it was all going.

"Well look at you" Uriel said as he strode over to the Demoness and sat down across from her. She was a bad influence on the boy. As much as he would like to just take both of them out, he was ordered from on high to give the kid one last chance. "Don't worry. Winchester is surrounded by angels, and since none of them are me, he has a fair chance of making it though. If not, well, you'll see him soon enough."

Ruby slowly put down her coffee cup and looked at the archangel sitting across from her. "I haven't done anything wrong." She said. "I've helped both Winchesters last time I checked. I've given them information, and tools...." She looked at Uriel and everything made sense. "It wasn't Dean. It was you."

"You're a smart little stain aren't you. Or at least observant. I have to give you that much. But what you did wrong, you did long ago. You don't get to be a demon by being a good little girl." Uriel said with a smug smile. "And of course, then there's the whole thing of teaching Samuel to do things he was ordered never to do again. "

"Someone had to teach him." Ruby said. "And if he had listened the first time, your buddy wouldn't have had to yank Dean out of Hell. He's sending demons that hurt people back to hell, how can that be evil?"

"The ends don't justify the means. He's using demonic powers. Opening up all those dark recesses in that monkey mind. Waking up all that demon blood and getting it ready to boil over. You might be saving his life, but you are devouring his soul. Now personally I couldn't possibly care less. Just bundle you both up and send you to hell but someone upstairs likes your boy.  
That means you have to go." He said and grabbed her hand to make sure she couldn't leave while he began to destroy her from the inside out.

The pain was so great she couldn't even scream. It was worse than being tortured by Alastair. Worse than anything she'd been through in hell to make her a demon in the first place. Her eyes bulged as she felt herself being devoured from outside in. She couldn't even inhale.

And no one else in the diner noticed when the red head in the corner slump over her plate while the older African American man sat back dispassionately.

He got to his feet slowly, straightened his suit and calmly walked out the door. At least one mission had been accomplished today. Now to stand watch over the other.

Bobby and Dean pulled up to the warehouse. "You sure this is it?" Dean asked Bobby as he got out.

"Yeah, this is it." Bobby said as he looked at the place. Dean was convinced from the bright lights flashing in an otherwise abandoned warehouse.

Upon opening the door, strains of ancient Hebrew could be heard. But the biggest surprise for Dean was who was saying the Hebrew.

Sam glanced up briefly seeing his brother and Bobby enter, He couldn't afford to let himself be distracted from his task. Lilith ranted and screamed obscenities, but it only made him chant louder. The 5 witches stood in their position, performing their tasks as required, Angels, including Castiel were bound in place to aid him, on either side of the sigil that bound Lilith in place. The light that glowed from them cast the images of their wings in shadow along the wall .

Dean started forward, but was stopped by Bobby.

"I'd say this was a bad time to interrupt him, wouldn't you?" Bobby pointed  
out.

Castiel glanced at Samael, who wasn't bound, but was there anyway. "So this will be it?" He asked, even as an older god, Pazuzu, watched from the shadows, eyes glowing as he lent his power to the ritual.

Samael nodded. "If all ends as it should. This will be it." There was a chance it could go dramatically wrong. It could become far worse than if Lilith had opened the seals herself. The Winchester boy was a seal in and of himself. Which was why Samael was glad that Uriel had chosen to be elsewhere.

It was hard for him to be here, to watch as the woman he had once loved ... still loved was tormented and bound.

The room glowed brightly as the tone of the incantation changed and Lilith was ripped from the body she was inhabiting, dark smoke bouncing off the boundaries of the sigil until it was pulled with an inhuman shriek into the brass vessel Bobby had created.

Castiel sighed and looked at Samael as he was released. "I'm sorry. But it had to be done." Lilith wouldn't stop until she was stopped. But Samael was his brother, he knew Samael wasn't fine with this.

Dean shielded his eyes as it got brighter, then the brightness faded into pure blackness, the lights having been blown out by the ritual. He could hear movement, shuffling at that. Lighters and penlights sparking up the black in parts. "Sam?" Dean called out.

Sam bent down and picked up the vessel, still warm and vibrating slightly and walked over to the sound of his brother's voice as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. "She's gone now, Dean... she can't do anything more... to anyone..." He didn't know if it would be enough to prove he wasn't evil to his brother. He could only hope, and right then that hope was a thin and fragile thing.

Dean heard Sam and headed carefully over toward the sound of that much missed voice. Dean even missed the bitching. "Dude..." he said as he walked slowly. "Well, that's one good thing at least..." He said.

The doors of the warehouse opened and the light of the moon shone through the opened door as the dark skinned archangel made his entrance. "One. " He repeated. "One good thing. Not bad for a demon loving mud monkey." He said, ignoring the faces of his brethren. Especially Castiel. "That's alright. She won't be interfering anymore."

Sam felt the blood drain from his face "What are you talking about?" He growled.

"Nothing worth much. Just a demonic stain lying face first in her French fries and ketchup. Well... not so much demon now. Or ever again."

Sam howled in rage and grief, the vessel dropping to the floor. He raised a hand and the Angel flew backwards into a wall much as the equipment had earlier.

"What?" Dean said, then saw the angel go flying.

"Don't act so surprised." Uriel said, shrugging off Sam's force and righting himself. "He picked the demon over you after all."

Dean looked at Sam for a long moment. "Really? Wow."

"Uriel, shut up before you make things worse!" Samael called from across the room. Uriel knew what Winchester was, he should have known better than to do this.

Sam moved to object, but had no time to explain as a great wind rushed through the warehouse swirling around Sam, picking him, the book and vessel up in its tangible force, and then they were gone. Pazuzu wasn't willing to risk Sam because some stupid archangel wanted to take him out.

Pazuzu dropped Sam off a few states away. Unfortunately, he couldn't bring Sam far. There were forces beyond his control. He looked at the young man for a long time. "You did good back there." He said, finally. "That's one collective thorn from all our sides gone."

Sam sank to the ground. "It's my fault... I should have never let her come with me." He said quietly. "Should have sent her further away..." he stared at the book and the vessel. Wondering if it was worth the sacrifice. He had lost Ruby and his brother.

Pazuzu slipped the baseball cap back over his bald head and looked at Sam with red eyes. "Get up." He said. "You can wallow later if you want. But now is not the time. There's still the end of the world barreling down on you. Uriel is spiteful, as much as an archangel can be. Probably  
orchestrated this whole thing, from Dean to Ruby. Get over it."

Sam got up. "I need to get this to the salt flats in Utah and bury it. " He was going to at least take care of that. He pulled the amulet from his pocket and put it on. "Uriel can't find me when I am wearing this." He said.

"Uriel is the most dangerous of all. He thinks he's acting in his father's best interest." Pazuzu said. "Like I said, nothing is ever as it appears."

"One of these days... I am going to find a way to destroy him" Sam said with a frown. He gathered the things up. Time to steal another vehicle, create a new identity, start all over again. Then he pushed it all aside "Who is spear heading it now?" He asked, thumping the vessel out of petulance.

"There wasn't a chain of command. They're scrambling." Pazuzu said with a laugh. "Like dogs. If I were a betting man, I'd put my money on Abbadon or Tamiel. Be careful, and get that to the salt flats as soon as you can. This is where my helpfulness ends. I did my part. Just be aware that there's a faction of archangels that consider you dangerous, If only because you distract your brother, and compromise him. They're shortsighted, but that's the downfall of righteousness. Uriel's not the only one. Protect yourself."

He nodded. "I will." He said. "Thank you for getting me out of there, and everything else." He said before turning to walk away feeling much the way he had that first night. He had enough money on him for a bus ticket to Utah. It was the easiest way. He wasn't in any state to drive and he knew it. They would go through his things. Find his old credit cards, his weapons, his journal and lap top. The journal was the hardest part to lose. All the work he had done with the book.

He leaned back against the seat, with his head against the window and held onto the bag containing the vessel for dear life. He had one last job to do, that was to make sure no demon would ever get his hands on Lilith again. After that, he would have to sort things out.


	7. The Monsters loose

* * *

Chapter seven: the monster is loose

_The monsters loose  
And now you have to choose  
And prove you can take it  
To the top before you fall_

* * *

"Son of a bitch!" Dean said. Again. Sam had disappeared from the warehouse, leaving him with Bobby and a bunch of older witches. Bobby beat a quick retreat as soon as one of them asked him if he was single. Dean couldn't blame him, and promised to call later.

He called the motel quickly to let Laura know he was all right, but cleaning up, he'd be back later. Then wheeled on Uriel. "Son of a bitch!" He yelled. "What the hell did you do? Why did you do it?" He'd seen the look on Sam's face, and though he had no great love for Ruby...still.

"She was a demon. I'm an archangel." He said, smiling at Dean as though he were explaining it to a half wit child.

"He did it to push Sam's buttons. Because he can't touch him without provocation." Samael said, striding forward. "You great arrogant bastard" He said to his brother. "You lecture me for my bad choices, yet you have brought Armageddon down on our heads." He looked at Dean. "Sam didn't choose Ruby over you. Uriel tricked him into thinking that you had cast him out. " He said to Dean.

"What?" Dean shouted and went straight for Uriel, Castiel catching him.

"Dean....I know you hurt, but this is not the way."

"My brother is thrown to the wind, he kills the one person he had out there, and I'm supposed to suck it up?" Dean asked.

"Yes." Uriel said, gravely. "Unless you want the world to end."

Samael completed the act that Dean so desperately wanted to do in that moment. He struck Uriel dead in the face. "Don't you dare stand here and tell him that, knowing what you know. Knowing what you have done. All because of your prejudices."

"I was hoping it would turn out differently." Uriel said. "He can't be used if he's dead. I can't kill him. He can." He said, pointing at Dean, who blanched.

Another person that wanted him to kill his brother. "Son of a bitch." He said. "You arranged this so I'd off Sam? Wow, aren't you disappointed."

"You will." Uriel said. "After all, you're the hero, you want to save the world."

"If you had left things alone, they would be fine. Together... they were supposed to fight this battle together. Now you have give the fallen what they want. You've given them Samuel. You, Uriel. Not Sam, not Dean, not anyone else You have managed to potentially undo us all."

"Oh I have faith that Dean will do what it takes." Uriel said. "And how much can your word be trusted? You've been consorting with Lilith for eons. You just might say anything to get back at anyone for this. You've never been the most....stable....angel."

"Stable enough to still be an angel. And for all of my consorting as you call it... I'm not the one that broke a seal." He countered.

"Whoa, wait a minute. What are you guys saying? Sam's a seal? My Sam? Sam Winchester. Freakishly tall, floppy hair, horrible taste in music...he's a seal?" Dean asked.

"It can still be taken care of." Uriel pointed out to Samael.

"Taken care of how?" Dean demanded. "You want me to kill my brother. What is with you people? I thought God was supposed to be merciful and loving, and that whole Cain and Abel thing didn't work out too well."

"You're more like Abel right now." Uriel said. "The stronger he gets, he'll come after you. Think of it as killing your brother while he's still your brother, instead of something...else."

"This isn't making things better." Samael said. "Yes, Sam is a seal. Because he was the last of Azazel's breeding program. The seal is broken. But he doesn't have to be killed for it to be salvaged. Sam is very much human still. He can still be redeemed. And no matter what Uriel thinks, redeeming Sam in the end will be what saves us all. But it is going to get a hell of a lot worse, a hell of a lot faster now."

"Wow. Déjà vu. Save your brother or kill him." Dean said, shaking his head. He looked at Uriel, fire in the green eyes. "I'm not going to kill my brother. So you better hope I can save him, or we're all fucked." He said, and walked out of the warehouse, slamming his way out.

"Mind your p's and q's for a while, Uriel. Falling in love with the wrong woman is much easier to forgive than arrogance and hate. Just because you haven't seen him... doesn't mean God doesn't exist. "

"I have never doubted God's existence." Uriel said. "You're not supposed to fall in love period. Angels have been killed for less." He pointed out. "You're on a tightrope, be careful which side you fall on. I'm not the only one watching you know."

"My job has just gotten so much harder." Castiel said with a sigh. As if his job watching over the Winchesters wasn't difficult enough. "I won't be able to find Sam, I'll have to concentrate on Dean. And Uriel, you better hope he doesn't figure out a way to kill you. Either of them."

"I think you have it mixed up who is watching over whom." Samael said. "I'll do what I can to find Samuel for you." He told Castiel. "But for now, I would focus on mending bridges between heaven and Dean or we'll lose them both."

"And the archangels laugh at the guardian angels, thinking their jobs are so effortless." Castiel said, shaking his head. "I'll talk to Dean. At least I haven't betrayed him."

"Which puts you back on the side lines, Uriel. You don't believe me... check up stairs." Samael said with no small amount of pleasure. "I'll be in contact." He told Castiel and took his leave.

Castiel gave Uriel a long look before departing himself.

It wasn't hard to find Dean. As full of fire as he was right now, only one place to go. The roughest, meanest biker bar in the area. Where he was currently dodging a table that was being thrown at him.

Castiel watched from the sidelines. Dean was hardly in over his head, and he need the time to vent the rage. It might make talking to him easier to wait as well. He took a seat and watched. Waited. Dean wouldn't stop until there was nothing left to vent his anger on, or he fell unconscious.

Dean took a cue from the bartender. Who was picking up the phone. The last thing Dean wanted was to be arrested tonight. Laura still thought he was a 'good' guy. Bailing him out of jail just might change that. So he snuck out under cover of the rest of the brawling chaos and slid into the Impala, wiping his mouth with a napkin he had taken from the bar. "Didn't even get to finish my beer." He said with what could pass as a chuckle.

Castiel appeared in the passenger's seat, glancing over at Dean. He didn't ask if he was alright. He knew that he wasn't. "I apologize for my brother's... inappropriate actions." How else could he put it? There was no good way to say it. No right words to help him. "I don't want you to harm your brother. I never have. I know... what that is like."

Dean's jaw twitched. "So Sam is a seal." Dean said. "When was that going to be told? I'm sick of being in the dark here. You want me to lead this thing, you tell me everything. I'll deal with Sam the same way I always have. Save him or die trying. Hell, did that once already."

"We were hoping to down play that he was a seal. If he had been left to his own devices, there would have been no danger of him turning. But knowing that he was a seal would have added more stress than you could handle in the beginning. This has been difficult for you even before Samuel's departure. "

"No shit." Dean said. "Okay, fine. Sam's a seal. I'll keep that seal closed. Everything else is on the back burner. You guys handle the rest of the shit, I have to track down my brother now, thanks to Uriel, and stop him from turning, or whatever. Takes precedence over everything else."

"For the most part I agree. Every so often there will be seals that you must protect. There are things that we cannot do. Sam will have to store the vessel somewhere safe. Somewhere demons cannot reach her. You know him better than anyone. That will be your place to look. If Samael can find him, he will protect him as much as he can from Uriel and the others who agree with him." As if it wasn't bad enough they were fighting hell, it looked as though they would be fighting each other as well.

Dean shook his head. "And Sam wonders why I don't pray and bullshit like that." Dean said. "You guys bring nothing but trouble with you. All of you. You know, I thought my life was fucked up in hell. But at least I was reasonably certain my brother was safe. Now? Well, I don't know that, do I? I can't even guess that. Because you guys couldn't solve your own problems, you feel free to fuck up MY life."

"You did that on your own. Otherwise you wouldn't have been in hell for me to pull you out. I know you are hurting. I know you are angry, but I am on your side. Right now the number of angels on your side is diminishing. I am doing what I can. I am risking a great deal. Don't make that for nothing."

"Why are they diminishing on my side?" Dean demanded. "I have done everything--everything---you guys have asked of me. If not more. What else could I possibly do?"

"Because your side involves saving your brother." He said honestly. He had never lied to Dean and he wasn't going to start now. "There are many who share Uriel's black and white views. Especially now, that he has spent so much time honing his abilities, and using them on an angel."

"Whatever." Dean said. "I know, thanks for nothing. I'll deal with this in my own way. But if I'm supposed to have angelic back up at the end of this, you make sure I have it.

"I have done all I am able to for you. I will continue to do all that I am able. I have watched over you, all your lives. Intervened when I was able. We cannot prevent all tragedy in a person's life. Not even God can do that. Actions are taken, permission given for things that take them beyond our abilities. You saw what began this path you are on. You know why we could not intervene that night for your mother and Sam. You of all people know the ultimate consequence for choices that are made.

I will do all that I can to ensure you have help. But you have to make the right choices for me to be able to do much more than stand at your side alone. You are Sam's only hope, and I fear that makes you the only hope for everyone else around you. You may not be able to control the anguish, and anger you feel. That is no sin. But do not take actions based on those emotions that will cost you the very things you want more than life itself.

It's not easy. It's not fair. But you have to stop being a petulant child. If you want to save your brother, it is time to put away childish things, and become the man and warrior you were meant to be. There is no time for self pity, self loathing or self doubt. It doesn't matter if you believe that you are the right man for the job or worthy of it. Your feelings on the matter are as wasted as Uriel's. Things are as they are.

We could not save our brethren from the darkness. The eldest amongst us weeps for their loss even as he is forced to fight them daily, for eternity. Do not think that I don't know what it is like to face a brother in battle. YOU have a chance to do what we could not. The question is, Dean Winchester, are you as willing to do the right thing to save your brother as you are to suffer for him?"

"Did I say I wasn't going to save the world? No, I didn't. You go on and on about free will, about choices, well I didn't choose this." Dean said. "I didn't choose to become some sort of enforcer for God. Sam didn't choose to become a seal. We're dealing with this the best we can, and I'm sorry if I'm coming off as a petulant child because I've decided to blow a gasket for once, in what I thought was the privacy of my own car. I'll do the damn job, and when this is over, I'm going on a bender that will be talked about for all eternity."

Castiel sighed, he was so very tired. Dean didn't understand how much he was doing for him, for both of them. There was no way that he could, but sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to not be the enemy in the man's eyes at the very least. "I know you are going to do the job. That was never in doubt." He said in his ever calm and tired tone. "And it isn't once that you have blown a gasket as you put it. It is every time you are confronted with expectations. You confront the seals and the demons very well. It's the expectations, any requirement of change on your part, you confront with resistance and petulance. I did not choose this for you. Your mother unknowingly chose your brother's path, and your father chose yours. Free will doesn't mean you choose everything in your life. It means you are given the ability to choose how you face your life, to choose light or darkness. It means that you are granted enough grace to crawl back to the light. Even from hell."

"Dude, I don't crawl anywhere." Dean said with a scowl. "Fine, I'll try to be more polite to your heavenly brothers or whatever. With the exception of Uriel. I am, after all, only human. I tried to stop Sam from using his abilities. But short of knocking him into a coma, there wasn't much I could do. I've gone everywhere you told me to. Sam comes up missing, and I chose this mission over finding him. But that doesn't mean anything does it?"

"It means a great deal. Or perhaps only as much as my help has meant to you. I suppose it would depend on which one of us you ask. There is a darkness still inside you, Dean. It is a weakness that Sam will exploit when the bitterness consumes him. It will be your undoing. You must let it go or you will fail."

"I was in hell for forty years. You know what I did for ten of them. How do I let that go?" Dean asked. For once not being confrontational. He didn't see how he could let it go. It was with him in every waking moment, and especially in his sleeping moments.

Castiel rested a hand on his shoulder. "It's the beauty of His grace. It's already gone. When I brought you back to this world, your soul was wiped clean. The only one holding to the darkness, to the guilt and pain is you. Yes, it was horrible, but you were not the first. You were not the last. The human soul can only withstand so much horror before it succumbs. You  
withstood unthinkable pain and humiliation for 30 years before faltering. After 10 years, you were still able to be salvaged. That speaks of strength and courage, Dean. Not merely of a physical nature."

Dean took a several deep breaths at that, staring straight ahead. "This is something you could have told me before." He said softly. He'd literally been putting himself through hell, for no reason apparently.

"No I couldn't." Castiel said gently. "There are others in generations long past who did not come back whole. Who had no remorse. I had to be sure before I told you the past had been wiped away." Which had been part of the reason he had hoped Dean would make the choice he had about the town they had been sent to destroy. It was the first sign to his true nature.

"I'll do the best I can." Dean said. "And I'll save Sam." Because no one else could...or would for that matter.

"I have faith." Castiel said simply. Faith was all that was required. With that he faded from view, leaving Dean to process in peace. He knew that Laura would be better suited to help Dean than he was.

Dean shook his head and headed back to the hotel. A lot to think about now.

He came into the hotel room while Laura was watching the news.

"And in news of the weird," the anchorwoman said, "a woman declared brain dead three months ago, Rachel Morris, has been found in a diner, clothed. She was taken to an emergency room where she was again pronounced dead and her body has been released to her family. The unusual part of it was the waitress at the diner reported that the woman ordered a cheeseburger and fries, and ate half of them before she collapsed. Doctors at the hospital have confirmed that she did, in fact, eat a meal while being brain dead. They of course have no explanation."

Laura looked up as Dean entered. "Oh god... how badly did it go?" Dean looked shell shocked, which meant something had to have happened to Sam.

"Oh, this?" Dean said, referring to the few bruises he'd obtained in the bar fight. "You kidding? I was winning." He said with a grin. "You should see the other guys."

She looked up at him a moment longer, decided to let it pass for the moment, at least verbally. She got to her feet, walked over to him and simply closed her arms around him. Sam wasn't here. He hadn't mentioned Sam on the phone. All was not right with Dean's world yet, and she knew it.

"It was all arranged. By Uriel." Dean said as he released her and sat on the edge of the bed. "Sam going away, thinking I did it. Me thinking he did it. Sam's a seal on top of it all. Angels are split into factions, it's all a mess, and none of it is anything I can really fix."

She took his hand and held it. "Well, at least you know he didn't abandon you out of choice." She said gently. "What has to happen for that seal to be broken?" Laura could only imagine how hard it was for him. He and Sam were close in a way she could never really imagine. Her family had only been raising her for one purpose, to kill her. They had never gotten close at all. She had her faith and that was all. Dean didn't have that faith. And now he didn't have his family.

"He has to make like Anakin Skywalker and go all Darth Vader." Dean said. "I don't know if he is. I wish I could say I know he isn't. But Sam....Sam's got some serious weaknesses that can be manipulated."

She didn't know what to make of that entirely. "So do you." She pointed out. "And no matter what you have done or think you have done in the past, you aren't evil. So there is a very good chance that Sam's soul will not fall to darkness. Besides... now that he is a seal, and we know it... doesn't that make him a priority that even Uriel can't argue with?" If Dean was able to hunt for his brother without interference and lecturing, maybe he could find him, and save him.

"You would think." Dean said. "And in other news, I know I'm not evil. Apparently my soul was bleached while it was being drug out of hell. Another thing that would have been nice to know, oh, about a hundred nightmares ago."

She caressed his face "Did you truly believe it could be otherwise?" She asked "That you could be called into the service of god, with angels bound to obey you during the execution of those duties, and have anything other than a pure soul?" She smiled adoringly "Did you think a monster could care so much for others and so little for himself? You only had to look to see the truth, Dean"

"Yeah, well, with the things I've seen....I mean Sam's under the impression he's damned for reasons well out of his control. At least everything I thought I was damned for, I did. Knowingly."

"We'll find Sam. No matter what he thinks or what he has been told, he is human, and has a soul. God doesn't toss souls out with the bath water. You have to ask for hell one way or another. And there is always time to mend  
your ways and be welcomed back into the fold. He isn't lost, and with us looking for him, he won't be. "

"You know the funniest thing? Sam's the one that prays." Dean said with a small smile. "So if either of us get to be saved, it's him."

"So tonight, we rest, and tomorrow we start hunting him down. It's going to be alright... might take a while to get there and be over a lot of bad road but in the end... it's going to work out. I have faith. " She had faith in Dean. It was hard not to once you got to know him.

He smiled at that. He very nearly believed her. Enough to just give in and rest for one night. He could do one night. Then cross the fires of hell for his brother if he had to tomorrow. "All right, you talked me into it.  
That and the fact that I'm just beat." A lot of it was emotional, not that he'd ever admit that.

She kissed him gently. "Alright." She said with a smile, looking at him with adoring eyes. "Into bed with you, no more talk... just sleep. Early day tomorrow after all. We have a runaway to track down."

"Very true." He said with a sigh as he stripped to his boxers and crawled between the sheets of the bed. As far as motels went, this one wasn't bad.

Laura slid into bed beside him and turned out the light. She didn't sleep herself until she heard the slow and steady sound of his breathing, and he had turned naturally over onto his stomach as he slept. His love for his  
brother was the most intense thing she had ever seen. It ate at him even more than his time in hell to have Sam gone. She wondered at how his family had been so different from her own. The more she knew about his childhood the more it horrified her, yet there was so much love there.

Her own childhood had been on the surface, idyllic, but there was no love there. She was nothing more than livestock to them. A lamb to be slaughtered. She pushed the thoughts aside long enough to go to sleep, but  
they didn't stay gone for long. Her subconscious was tired of being ignored, tired of carrying the past locked within. Her dreams were filled with images of her kidnapping. The terror she had felt before Dean had come for her filled her as she struggled with her captors, her body mimicking on a smaller scale what her mind was reliving. Small whimpers replacing screams.

Dean woke up the first time he got elbowed in the ribs. Followed quickly by what sounded like a stifled scream. He'd heard plenty of those screams in his time as he reached over her and turned on the light, squinting against  
the sudden brightness as he dodged a flailing arm that would have landed across his nose.

"Laura!" He said. "Laura!" He repeated even louder. "Wake up. Wake up! Just a dream."

The young woman opened her eyes, and drew in a sharp breath. Her eyes darted around the room and she sighed raggedly, her arms going around Dean, instinctively clinging to him. She wasn't completely awake, the dream still faintly superimposed over reality.

"Shhh." He said, holding her. "It's okay. It's over now. That part, way behind us. Promise." He said as he stroked her hair. After all, she was hardly a virgin sacrifice right now. Though he'd wondered how long it would  
take until it came up. And it finally did.

Tears were silently falling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to wake you." She said, still not wanting to deal, although it wasn't like she had much choice. "I was thinking about it too much before sleeping...I shouldn't have."

"Why not? It happened to you." Dean said. "Had to be the most terrifying thing you've ever gone through, your family standing there wanting to kill you. It's all right to be upset about it. I'd wonder about you if you weren't."

"Everything in my life was a lie until I met you. Such a horrible lie." She said. "They hated me... all those years, all the birthdays and Christmas mornings... all the times they came to see some school function, or woke me  
up from a dream, it was all a lie."

Which was better? The truth or some twisting of it? From what Dean had seen in those brief flashes, they'd nearly revered her. But if she thought they loved her in some way, and tried to do that anyway....well....that  
would twist her forever. Better she believe that they cared nothing at all for her, in the long run anyway.

At least that's what Dean figured, and since no one had seen fit to give him a manual or a set of instructions, or at least an FAQ sheet, this was the best he could do.

"Just let it out." Dean said. "Then...let go. Only so long you can keep torturing yourself for things, trust me."

She laughed a little, an almost hysterical sound as she wiped at her face with trembling hands. "I will if you will..." She said, knowing it wasn't really that easy for either of them. She didn't know if she could ever wrap her brain around what had happened, how it could happen. "They didn't even regret any of it when they came after me the second time. It was... it was as if I was a stranger."

"I'm trying." He said honestly. Knowing what he did now, made it a little easier. Not much, but at least a little easier. "And if I can try, you definitely can. You like yourself more than I like myself, that's the latest theory, right?"

"Still figuring out who that is... I don't not like myself I just don't know... was I adopted? Is there some family somewhere wondering what happened to their little girl? Do I even really want to know the answers to  
all those questions when right now I just want to know if they are going to come after me again?" She knew that if they killed her now it wouldn't open the seal, but did they know that?

"I think they learned their lesson the last time they went after you." Dean said. He'd busted up their car, and her brother's face. Had to count for something in the decision making.

"Either that or they just can't find us." She said with a faint smile. "Either one suits me fine. " Her own brother was holding her down, trying to keep her from escaping, trying to end her life, and here was Dean, desperate to save his brother no matter what he had to do.

"They probably won't find us." Dean said. "Angelic protection, remember? They don't want me distracted from their cause."

"That's a start anyway. Not finding us is good." Now how to avoid her brother and find his? "So where are we headed this time? Where do you think he would go?" Time to change the subject. She couldn't wrap her brain around it any more than she had already. It just hurt too much.

"Utah." Dean said. "Salt flats. Demons can't got there, it'll buy time. Bobby said Sam mentioned something about it. Course he traveled off in a puff of dust, so I'm hoping against hope I can catch up to him."

"If he was traveling under demon power, it's doubtful he was taken directly there. Hate to say it but it might be time to travel the fast way." Laura said, meaning the actual freeways.

****

Pazuzu had dropped Sam two hours from the salt flats. So the bus ride wasn't a long one. And he waiting for Sam, sitting on a folding chair in the middle of nowhere when Sam came walking out. Watching as a scorpion  
crawled across his hand, turning his hand over and over, watching intently.

"Word is that you've truly pissed off the angelic faction now." He said in a rumbling voice. "That makes me like you."

"Yeah, well that's a dangerous place to be." Sam said, standing. "Last one that liked me wound up nose down in her ketchup." He sighed. "But what the hell, glad to have made someone's day." Bitter was an understatement. Sam had lost everyone and everything he had ever cared about or wanted. He was pretty sure the light at the end of the tunnel was either hell fire or an asteroid barreling down on him at mach speed.

"I'm older than the war in heaven. Ruby was a kid in the grand scheme of things." Pazuzu said. "Much like you. But youth has its good points, doesn't it? You'd be surprised who would want to follow a youthful leader  
based on promise rather than experience. Or maybe you wouldn't. Obama, Kennedy, Teddy Roosevelt. Alexander the Great. Men relatively on the outside at the start, laughed at, mocked." He stood up and folded up his chair. "I'm getting ahead of myself. The boy with demon blood raised as a demon hunter. How much more outside can you get?"

"Wow you are so... good... at the pep talk. Thanks. I have just been transported back to high school. And not in that fun always good at everything sort of way. More in that oh god, the foot ball team just noticed me and I can't afford to get suspended for putting them in the hospital sort of way." He said and sighed. "Okay before I turn into my brother and let my mouth run away with me... where is this conversation leading?"

Pazuzu knelt down and released the scorpion. "Where do you want it to lead? Do you want to go wallow somewhere? Or do you want to lead? Azazel wasn't a total fool, though leaving the bullet in that gun was a rookie move. But he put all his eggs in your basket."

Sam sighed. "Don't want to wallow." He said almost sullenly. Part of him did. That part of him that mourned Ruby... Madison... Jessica... Unfortunately for him, he was a Winchester. Wallowing happened internally,  
because the job came before everything else. Including breathing, and most especially emotions. "But leading? Following through with what the demon that destroyed my life and my family wanted? Not sure that's a good idea.  
What I want is to stop Armageddon. I don't have any trouble working with demons to get that done because obviously the angels aren't gonna do the job. If we are talking about leading a faction against hell, I am your man.  
If we are talking about taking over where the pint sized bitch left off... no."

"There are demons that require a leader." Pazuzu said. "Right now, they have no leader. Where they are led is up to the leader, don't you think? Your choice. Or let another fallen angel or cursed being take over and bring on the fire and pain. You can't go home. You can't go back. Where is forward for you?"

"Forward for me is hell." Sam said honestly. He had become resigned to that fate. No amount of prayer was going to save him, no good deed was ever going to go unpunished. "Might as well get a head start and at least deserve it." He said, his jaw set as he looked around him at the salt flats. "You think these demons will follow me against Hell itself? Cause that's a war on two fronts."

"Either you think they will or they won't. Either your confident or you're not. Either you're their leader, or you're not." Pazuzu said. "It's entirely up to you. Demon blood or not, you are a human, guarantees you free will and choice."

"Well, let's put it this way. I am working at stopping Armageddon. I'm not fighting for heaven or hell. I am fighting to save my own kind, and right now, pissing off God and the devil in one fell swoop appeals to me. So that's where I am leading. Any demon not wanting to follow can go to hell, and most of the time I have the one way ticket for them . I know there are a lot that are too powerful for me... and if they take me out first, then I  
guess I continue the fight in hell." He was too tired to think about what all that would entail. He was damned. He was alone. His emotions might be high, but they weren't in a high place at all. Self destructive was an option. Especially if he managed to do a little damage along the way.

Pazuzu raised an eyebrow below his hat. "You want to die." He said. He didn't ask it, he stated it. "I'm sure there are those that can arrange it. In the meantime, why don't you just pick yourself up and move forward in whatever direction your life takes you?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "You say that like there's a choice. I'm going to die. If I start down this road with the demon army, I am going to die and it will probably be at my own brother's hands. Or I go back to being a hunter and the angels figure out how to track me in spite of this mojo bag and they kill me. Or some demon decides he wants to make sure I don't lead the army and he does it. " He shrugged. "Want? Want has nothing to do with it. Resigned is a better word." He started to walk away and paused, turned back to the demon.

"I don't know what I am doing, I was trained to kill demons not lead them. I am pretty sure Azazel had some future training program in mind along with standing behind me glaring at the little demon horde until they figured out  
I was in charge. I know he didn't plan on Dean killing him. Ruby used to talk about me stepping up to the plate. Hell I don't know where the plate is, or what to do when I get there. I'm not Alexander the Great. I don't  
know what the hype is about me. But the truth is the only reason I survived, is Dean brought me back, not because I am some sort of bad ass psychic boy."

"You can make the choice to stop whining." Pazuzu said, rolling his eyes in turn. "This is your life. Crossroads. Make a choice, commit, and just do it. You want to go back to whatever life you had before, go on and go. You  
want to fight this thing on your terms. Do it. Resign yourself if that's how you want to label it. Just stop whining."

"I've been fighting on my own terms. People keep wanting more. So point me to the damned plate already that everyone seems to want me to step up to. Obviously you don't just say 'wow I want to run a demon army today. Let's go do that.' Since I have no idea how to go about starting it... point me toward the right faction and I will be on my merry way."

"I can't figure out if you're treating this as a joke....or me as a joke." Pazuzu said. "Either way is dangerous. Tread carefully. You think the worst you have to fear is hell. You're wrong. Go to San Antonio, Texas.  
Outside of it, a saloon in the worst part of town. I don't mean a bar, I mean a saloon. Used to be a tourist trap, now only a few...people...go in  
there."

"What do you expect from me?" Sam asked in frustration. "This isn't a joke. You aren't a joke. I am starting to think that my life might be to everything else around me but believe me I am taking this seriously. What I  
have a hard time with is the either do it or don't mentality that seems to come along with the pep talks. Whatever else I may be... confused is high on the list. I'm doing the best I can, considering I don't know what the hell I  
am doing." His tone was sharp and definitely not whining. He was tired.

He had lost any chance he had with his brother, Ruby was dead because he had failed to protect her, and he had just spent 4 hours crossing and digging in salt. He ached in places he didn't even know he had. The smallest cut or scrape burned from the salt. His lips were cracked, and his eyes stung, dry and gritty. "So thanks for the information. I'm headed that way, but dangerous or not... I'm too numb to be intimidated and to be honest I'm  
about half past give a damn. " He started to walk toward town. Once he got there he would figure out if he was taking another bus or ripping off a car.

"I'm not trying to intimidate you." Pazuzu said, his voice carrying on a breeze. "If you think that, you'll never be able to recognize those that actually are."

"I would respond to that but you would just say I was whining." He said, knowing somehow the demon would hear him. "Talk to me when I'm not dead on my feet. Maybe I'll think more clearly then. " He said as he moved forward  
on will power alone. But the demon was right. He wasn't recognizing things for what they were. Hadn't been since November when the damned archangel had started his campaign. He needed to rest before heading on to San Antonio. He liked San Antonio. It had a familiar feel to him. It would be good to go back there. Even if only for a short time.

Pazuzu watched Sam walk away, disappearing into the distance and shook his head. Humans. Then turned his red eyes toward the wind and let it carry him off. He'd be watching. So much at stake.

Laura stretched and leaned back in the seat. "Another hour to Salt Lake City. We've made good time." She said, even though she knew that Dean was thinking they had already missed Sam. She supposed she knew it too but where else could they go? There might be a clue left behind here or something.

Dean was running on fumes and he needed a little more hope at the very least.

"Not good enough." Dean said before he could stop himself. He knew Sam wasn't there. But he had two reasons for going. One, Sam might have left a clue, a trail, some breadcrumbs, something. Two, good old fashioned closure. Lilith was in that vessel after all. He wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be touched.

"I don't think it was possible to get here any faster than we did. Even if we had left right away, you would have needed sleep somewhere along the way." She told him. "This is the fastest it was possible to get her." She  
said, knowing that it wasn't comforting but it would have to do. So... where first? The Salt Flats? Or do we start canvassing the hotels." And hospitals... morgues. That she would do while Dean was out doing... well...  
drinking himself to oblivion. It was happening less often but it still happened. Especially when the subject of his brother got too intense.

He gave her a look, knowing where her thoughts were going. "He's not dead. I'd know it if he were dead." Dean said. "Salt flats. Then a carwash. Then we start with hotels."

"Okay... how will we know if he buried her out there?" She asked. She figured there was some reason that Dean thought he would know where to find the vessel with Lilith contained in it. For all she knew they had picked  
out the spot to bury something else to keep it from Demons. She didn't know.

"It's where I'd bury her." Dean said. "It's also where he told Bobby he was going to." He said as he pulled up to the salt flats. "We were trained the same way, I'd know where he'd bury her because it's where I would."

"Okay." She said as she got out of the car and looked at the bleached white sand ground. "Wow... " she said as she made her way across the loosely packed salt and sand a few feet in to the harder packed salt beyond. "This  
is really cool, and really creepy at the same time."

"Here we're safe from demons and ghosts." Dean said. "Maybe I should build a house out here, or drag out a trailer or something." Dean said as he looked around and started walking.

"Yeah... good thing you live on beer cause I am betting that if you could sink a well out here, you would be lucky to get salt water." She said applying chap stick to her lips then offering the tube to Dean. She could hear the crunch of the salt crystals under her feet. "I guess it will be easy to sort out where he buried her. I don't envy him the task though."

"Sam did it for me." Dean said as he headed toward a spot that caught his eye. Consecrated. And he stared at the salt mound for a long time. "She's here. She can rot here too." He said, adding some things Sam didn't  
think of.

"For you?" She asked, not knowing the boys' history with the demon. Dean had only glossed over the past, to let her know what she was getting in to, and she hadn't pressed for details. She knew what it was like to just want to  
push it all aside and let it sort itself out.

"Sam died. I sold my soul to bring him back." Dean said. "In the end, she was the one who held the contract. Who made sure after I was in the pit no one short of an angel could pull me out. No more deals, and she made sure it hurt." He said, exhaling. Remembering the dogs ripping him apart. And how Lilith had stood there and taken in every moment with relish and joy.

She stepped closer and slid an arm around his waist. "We'll find him." She said. "Maybe he will contact Bobby again. He seemed to still need contact with his past. He still loves you, he isn't lost yet." That was a major  
undertaking, Lilith wasn't small potatoes, and the ritual Dean described was something straight out of stories about King Solomon. That wasn't something you did for any other reason than love.

"Oh we'll find him." Dean said. "And after I say thank you, I'm kicking his ass for doing this whole running off in the first place. Might want to turn your head for that part, he hits back." He said with a chuckle. Well, most  
of the time he did.

She laughed softly. "Oh I think I can handle a little brother on brother violence. I think you two might actually enjoy it a little after this long apart."

"We usually enjoy it." Dean admitted with a laugh. It was a guy thing, he figured. No one ever seriously got hurt. Just some bruises some of the time.

"I figured as much." She said. "Come on, let's get out of this wasteland before I start to dry up and mummify out here. The last thing you want is a desiccated girlfriend."

He did a bit of a double take at that. Huh. That was unexpected. "Really not into mummies." He said. "Mummies and rusted cars, really not attractive."

"Definitely not attractive. " She said. "Besides... I'm hungry and you promised to teach me how to play pool. Although I suspect I am bait more than anything else." She teased.

"Bait is always good." Dean said. "So feel free to not pick up a single thing I teach you. In fact, I'll probably teach you wrong. It's called sharking."

"Not a problem. " She said, she had figured that they were needing to stock up on actual cash anyway. Besides, once he started sharking for money she would be able to sit down with a phone book and canvas the morgues and hospitals.


	8. 100 in 55

AN: another chapter. Another shameless bid for feedback. Please review and let us know what you like or dont like about it. Other than that... please enjoy Hurt!Dean.

Chapter 8:100 in 55

_Going 100 in a 55 and I don't know why I'm still alive_

_But I do what I can but I know I can't take anymore_

_I still believe in this rock and roll_

_and I pray the music's gonna save my soul_

_but until then I still believe some things are just meant to be_

Sam stepped inside and looked around, taking in his surroundings,looking for exits and assessing the crowd before continuing onward to a table, and taking a seat.

The crowd fell silent. All eyes turning black at the appearance of Sam. A pin could have dropped and echoed in the silence that resulted. Everyone turned and looked at Sam as he grabbed a table. Suspicion was high in the air.

"You better not be here as a hunter. You're outnumbered. Even for you." One voice said.

"I'm not here as a hunter." He said. "I was told to come here... that we had mutual goals at the moment." Never mind he didn't have anywhere else to go or that the angelic host was out to kill him. There were more important things to worry about. He couldn't believe he was about to ask demons to help stop Armageddon. It just seemed...wrong somehow.

One about the height of Sam leaned against the bar and finished his beer. "Really? N ow there' s something we never expected to hear. What are our mutual goals? I just have to ask."

"Keeping hell in hell. You want the vacation spot, I like things the way they are... more or less." He said. "Unless I was directed to the wrong demon bar. In which case, sorry I bothered you."

The tall demon grabbed two beers and headed over to Sam. "Now you're speaking our language." He said as he sat across from Sam and handed him a beer. "You ever been to hell? We know your brother has, but have you? It's...indescribable. We all couldn't wait to get out of there. We don't want it here. There are no victors in hell. Everyone is punished and tortured. Doesn't matter who you are. Now us, we're full fledged demons. Obviously we've been tortured enough. What are you offering?"

"To help." He said. "I don't know all the details of what Azazel had planned for me. He's dead so it doesn't matter. You don't want some stranger coming in and getting bossy and I don't know that I want to lead an army. Don't know if I even can. But I did find a way to stop Lillith. So that has to count for something."

"If we count that, we also have to count the fact that you've got angels on your ass. The same angels that pulled your brother out of hell before he fully broke." The man said. He looked around the bar. "Not saying we'll follow. We're not mindless dogs, no matter what you've been taught. However, a working agreement could be reached."

"I don't want followers." Sam said. "But a good team can accomplish a lot. Let's face it, the angels aren't doing anything but biding their time. They are waiting for my brother to do the heavy lifting so they can clean up afterwards and play hero for their boss. Hunters ... there are two that I know of that know what's really going down and how to handle it. That leaves you guys... " he sighed, "and I guess I'm more one of you than one of them the se days. "

"Amazing, the clarity that absolute loss can bring." Word was there was a falling out between the Winchester brothers. He didn't care about the details. "All right. My name is Alex. Where do you suggest we begin? We're not exactly on the light and happy side, you know. We know all about the seals, but some of them, our very presence will open."

"Which is where I come in, or some of my contacts. Do you know of any of the seals in specific? Some can be ... I don't know... defused before anyone gets near them. I don't have the winged bastards telling me where the next target is, so that we have to play by ear, or ..." he paused. "Get a psychic... I know one that might be willing to give us a hand. Not sure how she feels about demons but I know she hates angels."

"A white hat that hates angels. There's one I hadn't heard." Alex said with a laugh. "We know of a few. The problem with some of them . . . . they can't be stopped. It'll be an act of nature at a very bad time."

"Earthquakes, probably a meteor shower, epidemics." Sam said. "Moon turning to blood. Okay...well I will contact Pamela and see if she can't ferret something out to work on. She hates angels because one blinded her. Question is... will she still work with me?" He said as he pulled out his cell phone and found the woman's number in his contacts. He took a deep breath and pressed talk.

"Sam Winchester." Pamela said as she answered. "Long time no talk. Scared of a little sexual harassment?"

"From you? Never. How ya doing?" He asked. He liked Pamela. He felt bad about what happened to her, because it was their fault for bringing the damned angels to her door. "Glad you are still talking to me these days. Not exactly high on the white hat list these days."

"So I've heard." Pamela said. And she hadn't heard from the living sources either. " Apocalypses. Great for business. Completely bad for humanity. But hey, the angels are considered white hats, so not exactly sure white hats are high on my list. They're hiding your brother from me. You two are in some serious shit, like always."

"They seperated Dean and I, too. I saw him not long ago and he is fine though. Yeah we are in neck deep and I don't know who believes what anymore. But... ahm... I'm off the winged freaks need to know list, so I was calling to see if you had any inklings about or means of finding out about seals that need preserving. I still want to stop hell on earth... just not exactly thrilled about heaven wanting to be here either."

"You know what? Give me an hour, let me take some sightseeing. I'll get back to you." Pamela said. "Oh, and the one on your right? He's checking out your ass. Female demon who could only find a male host, so watch yourself."

He laughed. "Not sure if that makes it less disturbing or not." He told her. "Thanks for the look see. Be careful. I don't want to get you hurt too." Ruby's death still weighed on him, demon or not, she was killed to get at him and he knew it. He wanted that fucking angel's heart in his hands.

Pamela sobered. "You need to be careful." Pamela said. "All the angels aren't on the same side. I've reflected on what I've learned so far, and there's this one faction that really hates you. To top it off, they also hate Dean. Just...be careful."

"I will be. Please though...if it gets hairy, back out." He said. "Talk to you soon." He said as he hung up. "She is going to check out what she can and get back to me. Turns out there are two factions of angels... again. Cause that turned out so well last time."

"Your human can be trusted?" Alex asked as he looked around the bar. "Could be manipulated by whoever after all."

"She can be trusted. And trust me... anyone including demons can be manipulated. Right now she is what we have to clue us in to the seals." Sam said. "We just do our own research after we get the information from her."

"We've got maps." Alex said. "Old topographical maps, whipped up by various natural sciences museums. Since when the seals were planted, there weren't highways or skyscrapers, hopefully it'll give us an edge when we overlay them across modern maps. Of course, apparently we have to wait for your human first."

"She's a seer." Sam said. "She can find out which one is in need of attention now, but if you have more intel, please, I would love to see it. " He was tired. Not just physically tired. He was at his rope's end and this band of demons was the knot that he was hanging onto.

Alex stood up and went behind the bar, coming back to the table and dropping a heavy book in front of Sam. "The director's cut of Revelations." He said. "Better than a seer that could be lying."

"She isn't, Alexandra." He said as he started looking through the book. "Or is it Alexis?" He asked, taking out his new journal and started making notations as he studied in depth, asking a couple questions as he went. Research, Sam felt comfortable with. It was one of the few things he had left to attach him to his life... to all things Winchester.

"Alexis. Like that Arquette transsexual sibling." Another demon piped up, and got a glare tossed at him.

"Enough." Alex said. "When you finally crawl out of hell, you find the first body you come to." He said, nearly apologetically. "Hey, find me a girl and I'll switch!" He said to another demon.

"Try the ICU units, or where ever else they keep the brain dead coma patients that the families won't let go." Sam said. "It's okay. No shame in it. You found what you found. But according to..." Sam nearly choked up then. "According to a fr iend of m i ne, i t's nice not having a roommate in there."

"I like the extra noise." Alex said flippantly as he looked at the book. "This should be a good starting point, even if your psychic doesn't call back. Only known copy, and we fought hard for this one."

"You don't remember being human, do you?" Sam said. "Definitely betting you don't remember ever having been possessed." He continued studying the book and sighed. "This is not good. Okay... I think I have encountered this virus before... in Oregon. " He turned another page, letting the subject of hosts drop. Better that Alex stayed an Alex. Sam didn't want someone else to suffer just for the sake of gender.

"Wait. You encountered this? How? This is supposed to have a no survival rate." Alex said, looking at the page again.

"Yeah, well I am betting it's because of what I have in my veins. I am immune. " He explained the encounter near Crater Lake, and how i t had end ed. "I don't know why but it doesn't affect me. Guess I had better start donating blood to the Red Cross." He said shaking his head.

"Wouldn't be a bad idea." Alex said. "Hard to get a good plague going if part of the world is immune, right? Maybe we can find someone to whip up a vaccination and just start stabbing people on the streets with it."

"Be better off to come up with something we can put in the water supply." Sam said. "Bottling plants, any number of places to hit for maximum effect. We have to find someone that can do that first. But it's a great idea." He said taking another drink of his beer. "We just have to find someone that can do that, and I'm not sure an alchemist wouldn't be a better choice than a bio chemist."

"I'm sure we can find someone." Alex said.

"Alex? He's a hunter. Probably has a problem with necromancy." Another demon pointed out.

"Then when the time comes, we don't tell him . " A lex hissed and rolled his eyes.

"I died and my brother sold his soul to bring me back. Dean was drug out of hell by an angel... that whole life death thing is so hazy in my head right now I don't really care anymore." He said not looking up from his book. "If the soul is accessable, it hasn't gone to heaven; you pull it out of hell, it's on vacation, and if it's neither, you're giving it something creative to do. What's not to like? Just don't leave anything running around to kill people and I'm happy."

Alex laughed. "I like him. Pragmatic to the core." Alex said. "All right, we'll work with you. If you don't get us all killed, or exorcize us because you're bored, you might even have a following."

"Pragmatic only goes so far, but yeah, I think we can work together. I don't think we have a choice." He said. "So who are you planning to raise from the dead?" Sam asked with a sigh. Might as well work on weakening th e seal they knew abo ut while w aiting on Pamela.

"We've got a couple of options. Depends on their condition when we bring them back." Alex said with a shrug. "Too nutty and it won't work. Too sane and they won't work for us."

Sam nodded. "Makes sense. In the morning I would like to photo copy this. " He said, handing the book back. "So that I can study it back at the hotel. I know you don't want this to be out of your possession." He said. "But I am exhausted. What can I say, human weakness."

"Understandable. You're still human." Alex said. "Jason will follow you back to the hotel and get the room next to you. Wouldn't want anything to happen to you, that would suck."

"Yeah... it would suck." He said and gathered his things once more and walking toward the door. "I'll see you tomorrow. I'll come back by after I wake up." He looked over at the one called Jason. "It's a better class of hotel than I am used to. .. the bed is actually going to be comfortable this time."

"Don't plan on sleeping." Jason said. "Picked up a PSP and a couple of games, I'm good to go." He said as he caught car keys that were tossed at him.

"There are times I envy you that not having to sleep thing." He said as he headed out the door. He gave him the hotel's name. "I'm in room 220. I'm gonna take a walk, clear my head before going to bed." He said. He knew if he slept, the dreams would come. Didn't really matter when or where he slept. Ghosts might be real, but that wasn't where Sam was haunted.

"I want it." Dean said, looking from Uriel to Castiel. Uriel actually had the audacity to show his host's face around here. Which put Dean in a bad mood to start with. "There has to be a list of possible seals, and I want it. Because this half assed approach, waiting for you winged bastards to tell me anything is getting ridiculous and I 'm wasting time."

"You are wasting time because you are looking for the demon lover, not looking for the seals." Uriel said sharply. He hated dealing with these two. The girl in some ways was more annoying than Winchester. Sure she was devout, she had a spark of the divine in her that was undeniable. It was that spark that annoyed him the most. She was the evidence that their father, THEIR father, loved these walking talking monkeys more than He loved his first creations.

Laura glared at Uriel but kept her mouth shut. This was Dean's battle, and he was better equipped to fight it. Nothing she could say would effect the arrogant prick anyway. Somehow she doubted that even God could change the angel before her. She thought Castiel looked as though he would rather be having root canal. She had to say it was bad form for Uriel to even be here after what he had done to Dean's brother.

"You didn't just bring Sam into this conversation." Dean growled. "He's a freaking seal himself. One that you, YOU, alienated and drove away, increasing the chances that he'll become an open seal! So yeah, I'm chasing my brother. You'd think our goals would coincide there, after all, he's my brother, of course I'll look for him. And you want me to chase down seals."

Castiel opened his mouth to speak but stopped short when Laura asked out of the blue, "Do angels get sick?"

She was looking at Uriel, her expression perplexed as she actually started to walk around him as though looking for something out of place.

The archangel scoffed. "No." He said firmly, in a tone that left no doubt what he thought of her question.

"Why do you ask?" Castiel asked, ignoring the look that Uriel gave him.

She sighed, and her nose wrinkled up, looking very much like she had just taken a bite of something foul. "I don't know how to say it really... except... he looks... diminished somehow. The glow isn't as intense as it was last time we spoke.. .the wings look different but I can't tell you why. It's just... different." She looked between Castiel and Dean. "Don't you see it?"

"I don't even see wings." Dean said with a shrug. "I want that list."

"There is no list." Uriel said, watching Laura walk around him. That was...irritating.

Castiel looked at Uriel in something akin to horror. And looked at Laura. "It might be lighting."

She shook her head. "You aren't diminished." She said, looking back at Castiel. "You don't think the fallen have come up with a disease that can affect angels, do you? It could explain his... mood." She said then looked at Dean "You don't see the wings?" She asked and indicated where they were, on Castiel, not wanting to get too close to Uriel considering the look he was giving her. "What about the glow... do you see that?" She asked, finding that truly odd. "Admittedly it's ... lessened with Uriel but it's still there. "

Dean sighed. He'd seen Castiel's wings once. And then not even the wings, but a shadow of them against the wall. And that was to prove a point. "Look, clean slate or not, I'm still straight from hell." He pointed out. "That could have something to do with my particular blind spot."

Laura nodded. That made sense to her. Nothing else would have occurred to her.

"Or your girlfriend here is hallucinating." Uriel said in an annoyed tone of voice. "Go sit down and leave me alone woman. What you think you see or think you saw the last time isn't off importance here. Neither is some non existant list, we will tell you where you need to go and what you need to do." He told Dean, wanting very much to get off of the subject of his supposed dimminished glow.

"That doesn't work for me." Dean said. "You see, the thing is, apparently I'm your human leader down here. You want to pull rank, go back to Heaven. They might tolerate that better there. But here ? If I'm on a need to know basis, I need to know everything."

Castiel was studying Uriel, losing most of the conversation at hand. Was she right? He was starting to believe that she was, and this wasn't good in a way that he doubted either of the humans there could understand. "What?" He asked looking to Dean a monent then sharing a worried look with Laura. "There is rumor of a book. An extended Revelations. But I have never seen it, or evidence that it truly exists." He looked back to Uriel. He was going to have to keep an eye on him. Make sure it wasn't just the lighting.

"Well that's great. So it's all random then. Forty seals are broken. I stopped a few. And Sam is one of the seals yet to break. This is really great." Dean said with a sigh as he sat down. "Okay. Forty broken. Twelve stopped. One I know of. Out of what? Six hundred? So that leaves.. ." He did quick calculations in his head. "Five hundred and forty seven possible seals. Just point me in the right direction so I can take care of what I take care of. but if you think I'm not going to look for Sam in the meanwhile, you're sadly mistaken."

Castiel just nodded. He would expect nothing less. Sam was still salvageable. Even if that seal was broken he could be saved, at least his soul could. For Dean's sake, as well as the world's sake, he hoped that he found his brother before then. "When we have something more concrete, we will let you know. For now, we have word of two fallen rising up to take Lilith's place. Tamiel and Abaddon." He said. "Our usual source of information has... disappeared off our radar." Which didn't bode well for their brother. "There will be two of them racing for the seals they know of, and they only need to open 34 to complete their task."

"Great." Dean said. "I'll start tracking signs of activity. And you lot do leave signs." Dean said. His father had figured out how to track Azazel. He just needed to modify it to track the others. "Anything else?" He asked. Glaring at Uriel, he couldn't help it. "If not, I would prefer not to see him again." He said, nodding at Uriel, then turning his back on Uriel so he faced Castiel only.

Castiel sighed. "I'll let you know when I know anything more." He understood Dean's anger, but it wasn't helping anymore than Uriel's attitude was. "Go to Texas. " He said looking over at Dean suddenly. He didn't question where the inspiration came from. Not once. There were many things he questioned, but not the bits of information that filtered down through the chatter. He knew the difference between chatter and his master's voice.

Dean looked at Castiel for a long moment, then slowly nodded. "Texas it is." He said . Texas was a bit of a big state, but he'd figure out the rest.

"I will contact you when I know more." He told Dean, having no intention of returning with Uriel. There was something going on with his brother, and he was worried. He again looked at Laura, hoping that leaving her with Dean was the right choice. Someone such as she was usually watched over, protected, nurtured until the time came. So few of her kind ever lived to see old age.

"All right." Dean said as he stretched. "Long drive to Texas." He said with a chuckle. "You holding up all right?" He asked Laura. She was from Maine. She's gone to South Dakota with him, then Utah, now Texas. And every place in between.

"I'm fine." She said. "You're stuck with me." She smiled at him. Her eyes twinkled, showing that she didn't mind the prospect of a continuing journey at all.

Castiel, looked to Uriel indicating they should leave and faded from view. He didn't know what was in Texas th at was so impor tant, but he intende d to find out. There was a great deal tha the intended to look into as a matter of fact.

****

"If this one doesn't come back right, we'll have to think of another way." Alex said as he dug up a grave. This was the third alchemist they had dug up. The first two didn't come back right. And this was had been dead for centuries. More of a medicine man from Native Americans, but close enough. It was also their last lead.

"Well, let's up the ante, " Sam said as he looked at the ritual once more. He frowned over it for a moment then made a few adjustments. He had Kabalistic equations in his head, from the last ritual he had performed. Weeks of study and hard work. It wasn't for nothing. It wasn't just for Lilith. "Okay, let's try it this way." He said explaining the changes he had made. "It's not a guarantee, but it might give us the oomph we need.." He shrugged sheepishly. " Or it could bring him back as a flesh eating zombie. Six, one half dozen the other." He said.

"Flesh eating zombie would suck for you." Alex pointed out as he finally found the corpse and gently lifted it out. "After all, the rest of us can just hop into another host, no sweat off us. You? You're it. Right where you are."

"I am pretty sure I could put it back in the ground before it killed me." He said, rubbing his right wrist without thinking about it. "Besides, that's what this is for." He said, indicating the bag of brick dust and salt. "I'll be inside there where it can't get to me." It might not give a fig about salt, but it wouldn't be able to get past the brick if it held any intent to harm him. Usually wanting to eat a guy's flesh was considered intent to cause harm.

"All right." Alex said with a grunt as he hoisted himself out of the grave and brushed as much dirt off the corpse as he could. "Then let's do this." He said, nodding to a f ew of t he demons to set up a perimeter.

"Be careful." He told them, actually caring what happened, although part of that was for the hosts trapped within. He held the shotgun with one hand, and the ritual in the other. He began the ritual for the third time. He had never performed necromancy before. He hoped to never to do it again. But he had to do something. He knew what this virus could do. It wouldn't just be the ones with the disease that would die, it would be a waking nightmare for those that didn't contract it as well.

The body twitched, lurched and groaned as air filled its lungs. Slowly it seemed to come into itself, rising to its feet and glaring at Samuel.

"You have disturbed my rest." It said in a sand papery voice, in stilted English. "To what have I done to deserve that?"

"We need your help." Sam said simply. "There is an epidemic coming." He said. "Something not completely nat ural... we n eed help creat ing a ... vaccine ."

"A cure." Alex said. "Sam, look at him, you think he was around when there were vaccines?" The body slowly nodded, slowly becoming more like a body than a corpse.

"Cure." The body repeated. "Will the white men die if I don't?"

"Yeah. And the red men. The black men. The yellow men. The polka dotted men even." Alex said.

Sam ran a hand through his hair. "The disease was created by demons. It's intent is to turn men, women and children into monsters and then watch them kill each other before going mad with it and dying. I can't catch the disease. My blood can be used to create the cure... please... will you help us?"

"Against nature." The shaman said with a grave nod.

"Yeah, we'll get him a crash course in English or something." Alex said with a shrug.

"I think he understands." Sam said and stepped out of the circle, lowering the gun. "I appreciate your help. The end of the world is coming and it's not time... it's too soon. Not just by my reckoning. This disease is part of that end. Will you come with us?" He asked. This was not a man that you disrespected. This was not a man you coerced. Not if you didn't want to find out just how powerful his magic was while you were sleeping in the middle of the night.

"A cure. Then rest." The shaman said, looking a bit more human as the minutes passed. Nearly enough to pass.

"Yes. I promise... a cure, then rest." Sam said as he gathered the candles and ritual componants, packing them away. "I give you my word." He would keep it too. What was dead should stay dead. He, himself, should have stayed dead. If he had, his brother would never have experienced hell. He couldn't blame the man for wanting to return to his rest. If hell wasn't waiting for him, he would want to go rest too.

The shaman gravely nodded. The man was white, he didn't believe a word that came out of hi s mouth. But when this was all over, he could fix that himself.

"All right. " Alex said. "Let's get going before the historical society people come."

"Good point." Sam said. He led the way back to the cars. He hoped the shaman could do what everyone hoped he could do, they didn't have a lot of time. He was going to watch and learn because they would need a lot of the stuff to put in water supplies and send to Dean and Bobby as well. He got behind the wheel of the van one everyone was inside and drove back to the farm house. It was abandoned, he figured it had been condemned a couple years before. But there was well water, and it wasn't a hardship to do without electricity for most things. He missed his lap top, but that was what coffee shops with wifi were good for. They had to keep a low profile and squatting left for a low profile.

They piled out of the van, and entered the dark farm house. A few immediately went about lighting can d les so no one bumped into walls or fell down any stairs. The sh aman looked around suspiciously, but found a corner to sit in, so he could watch everyone until he figured this new place out.

"If you need anything, let me know." Sam said to him as he set things aside. "Things for ... the process, anything." He was back to feeling like a fish out of water. He didn't know what the Shaman was going to do or need. He just knew it needed doing and he had to contribute blood to it.

"Well this should be interesting." Alex said as he put different demons on point for different tasks. "He hates white men. But he was our last option."

"I know." Sam said. "Which is why whatever he makes I am going to try out before putting it in the water supply anywhere." He didn't trust the man, any more than the man had trusted him. But Alex was right. He was their only option right now. Slowing down that disease was a major priority, and there was only so much blood Sam could donate, considering he tended to spread it around copiously w hile on the job anyway.

"Yeah. Okay." Alex said. "How about one of us? Our blood, or our hosts' blood is totally human. And if it's a trick, it won't really kill us, but we'll know the body is supposed to be dead." Alex held his hand up. "I know, you're squeamish. Now's not the time. You're no good to anyone dead."

Sam sighed. He knew it was true. It didn't make it any easier for him. He knew that Ruby had been right, and they should have sacrificed the girl at the sherriff's station. But they had done the right thing, and because of that the girl had died anyway... and so had his brother. "You're right." He said. "You're right." His stomach knotted up. "Don't suppose one of you is possessing a real bastard that deserves to die are you?"

An absolutely angelic blonde, no more than sixteen raised her hand. "That would be me." She said. "Real whack job. Drowned her brother in the bathtub when she was ei ght. And that was just the beginning. Parents had to move because everyone in the neighborhood thought she threw her best friend to her death over a train track. And she most definitely did. She was ten. Want to hear the rest? Real horror movie stuff, but she's wicked cute."

"Yeah I know the type. Last one I put in a brass vessel and burried her. So guess that nominates you for the test subject. And... I think I don't mind you possessing her so much right now. " Sam said. He couldn't imagine anyone wanting to harm their brother or best friend. Normally he would think the kid was possessed, but if she was possessed now, then well... she hadn't been then.

"I knew I'd get volunteered." She said with a smile. "Humans try to be so black and white with their morality. I find it hysterical."

"Let's call it a nice pale gray." Sam said as he opened the book and started studying it with the same fervor that he had the Key to Sol o mon. He had that still, considered making a gift of it to Bobby once this was all done. He would have gotten rid of it already, but that was his only real way of getting Uriel where he wanted him... when he wanted him. Wasn't helping him figure out how to kill the bastard yet but he was working on it. "Haven't been black and white for a long time." Letting vampires live, sleeping with demons, wanting to kill an archangel, raising the dead. No... Sam was a long way past black and white. But he was starting to figure if he was going to be thrown into the pit, he might as well deserve it. "Don't suppose any of you have any idea how to get rid of an archangel?" He proposed as he continued his study "Or know anyone that would be up for it that doesn't want to eat my heart too?" He figured the answer was no, but he had to ask. Just the thought of Uriel made him see red .

"I bet that colt we h eard about could have." Alex said. "Killed a fallen angel after all. But I guess other than that, the only ones that can are other archangels or fallen archangels. Neither group is happy with you, so I'd chalk that up to a big fat no."

"The colt was stolen. Not sure where it got to after Bella took it. Would love to get my hands on it but even Ruby couldn't track it down." He said. "Too bad I can't exorcise angels." He said with a laugh. "Wouldn't mind sending that one to hell." He figured that was a lost cause. It would take a lot of research he didn't have time to do. More pressing issues than revenge. He just hated that the son of a bitch was probably still around giving his brother hell that he didn't deserve.

"He's not really your problem." Alex pointed out. "You can hide from him, remember? He can't find you. I don't see why you spend so much time brooding over him. "

"I don 't suppose you would." Sam said. "He took my brother and Ruby both away from me. I can either wallow in that pain, or I can be angry. I'm a Winchester. You do the math." He said not once looking up from the book, or his journal where he made notes.

"You're fighting a war. The petty shit has to be put away." Alex pointed out. "We'll follow you far, but against angels, man we don't stand a chance."

"I'm not losing sight of this war." Sam snapped. "Angels, demons, you all sound alike." He said angrily. "Got news for you. I'm still human. I know you don't remember what that's like, so why don't you listen to the guy you have locked inside for a while and figure it out." He slammed the book closed and got up. "The petty shit as you call it is what I am trying to save. I'm all but selling what's left of my soul to do it. We win this, you get to avoid hell as long you avoid good hunters. Me? I get to go to hell and stay there. This war, and a li ttle vengeance along the way is all I have left. I'm not giving up either one until it's done." He headed for the door. He was tired. Too tired, and he felt like he was spinning his wheels.

Alex nodded at the angelic blonde. "Go with him. Make sure he's not hurt." He said. Sam wanted to go off and have a human moment, Alex wasn't going to stop him.

Sam walked across the lawn to the nearest fence post and leaned against it. He looked upward at the heavens and shook his head. "What the hell am I doing? Why do I even bother?" He huffed, and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Not like there is anyone out there that would notice a difference."

"Oh we're noticing." The blonde said as she climbed up onto a tree near by and sat on one of its long, thick sweeping branches. "But like you said, we don't remember what it's like to be human. And please don't tell me to talk to the chick in my head, I'm not sure she's human like you mean either ."

"I would say the chick in your head deserves to go to hell, but she would just crawl back out i n a few days. I doubt it would take her long to change." He said. "Better to keep her where she is. Not that it's any great joy for you." He sighed. Always the outsider. They say the more things change, the more they stay the same. He thought the old adage was appropriate right about now. "What's it like... in hell?" He could ask the demon what he could not ask his brother.

"It's....awful." She said and swallowed. "Every possible torture you can imagine.....it's worse. You're torn apart from the inside, in ways you can't picture, and then it starts all over again. And the people they have torture you, sometimes they look like people you used to love. It kills everything inside you, until there's nothing left. Only hate and anger. There's no escape, it's always there, even when you finally crawl out of hell, you can't craw l out of your own mind, as fractured and broken as it is. One month up here is equal to ten years in the pit. I was in there for two centuries. And you wonder why I'm not human."

"No... I don't wonder." He said. "I guess it all depends on how long you are there how much it eats at you. Ruby seemed to remember... or at least said she did... what it was like to be human. Although sometimes I think that was just a tactic. A way to push the soft human onto the right path." He didn't want to believe that but he did. Sex had been a tool to get him where she needed him. For him it had been something different. And she was dead.

"Don't ask me, I had only a passing acquaintance with her." She said with a delicate shrug from her branch. "Twenty four thousand years. That's how long I was in hell. I spent the first twenty years or so screaming and crying and begging for help. Never came. I don't even remember what I did to go there either, the saddest part of all. Or even my real name. This girl's name is Chelsea, and that's good enough for me. No one escapes hell. They're not supposed to. If you could escape hell, we'd all be in trouble because Lucifer would have figured it out by now. You're released from hell. To bring a little bit of it up a little bit at a time. You're not supposed to escape. You're not supposed to get your soul back. Certainly not your body. We hate your brother, we do. It's petty, but what makes him so special that out of all the souls screaming for help and mercy, he was picked? He wasn't even picked off the rack. That's what we hate the most." She swung off the branch and walked over to him and stood in front of him. "That's what we hate the most, that's what bothers us the most about your brother. He was saved. After he'd succumbed."

"Succumbed?" Sam asked, frowning deeply. "No. . . you're mistaken. Dean wouldn't succumb, and if he did, how could he come back as he did? Isn't succumbing what makes you a demon?" He asked. That had to be a lie... or maybe it wasn't... and maybe that was why things had gone so wrong. Why Dean had been pushing him to keep his faith in a god that had abandoned him. Because Sam was a constant reminder of hell. Why he had gone, and the demon blood within him, making him less than human.

"It's a step. You don't become a demon after forty years. Still a lot to burn and rip away." Chelsea said. "He wasn't on the rack when the angel found him. He was standing over a rack, tearing apart another poor soul. I don't know, maybe the angel was able to work some loophole. It's not like they keep me in the loop of their plans or anything. But he cheated, Sam. Somehow, he beat the system. Maybe he's not human anymore. Or maybe he's just denying that whole thi ng. Or maybe he's just channeling it some how now. All I know is that Uriel is playing him like a fiddle, and Uriel wants you dead . You really want to die at your brother's hands? That's really lame you know, presenting yourself as our leader, and you'll lay down and die for a human. I wouldn't waste myself on him. He's probably not wasting himself on you."

He didn't know if he wanted to believe or not. So he chose to put that aside. He couldn't focus on that. "You're right. It's petty, but what the hell, everyone has a right to be petty. Especially when it comes to someone getting out of hell when you couldn't. But let's be honest. Dean didn't cheat, he was yanked out of hell so that they could hold a return ticket over his head every damned day. Uriel isn't playing him. He's harassing him. Dean didn't go to hell for some sin, or blasphemy. He was there because he's my brother. He went to hell so that I could live. So it falls to me to do the same. I 'm fighting this war, this way, for him. Not you. Not me, and if I want to be honest with myself not the rest of the freaking world either. " Sam said. "I'm in this war for his sake. Not yours, not mine, not the rest of the world's. I am in it for my brother. I need you to do that. You need me as well. Why we are fighting doesn't matter. "

"He's a liability, Sam." Chelsea said. "You think everyone doesn't know that? He's a weakness, someone to be used against you, by either side, really. The sooner you realize that, the safer you'll be. I don't know, maybe you have a deathwish. Wouldn't blame you if you did. But don't drag the rest of us down with you on your kamikaze mission. The world sucks, always has. But it's better than hell. Don't be in such a rush to find out if I'm lying about hell or not."

"Thats what they tell him about me, you know. Liability. Something to be used against him. I'm not going to drag you down. I don't care if I live or die, but I do care that this war is won . It must be won. I can't make sure it's won if I am dead , can I?" He said. "Quit worrying so much." He said with a sigh. "I'm not going to betray you for my brother. I don't take loyalty lightly."

"Well good, because none of us want to die either you know." Chelsea pointed out. "It's hard, to trust a human. But we've done pretty well so far."

"I get that. It took a lot for me to finally trust Ruby. I do understand. I'm a hunter. And I have heaven and hell after me. I don't blame you for twitching. Don't take this the wrong way, but don't you find that even a little ironic?" He asked. "That the demon is having a hard time trusting a human?"

"No." Chelsea said honestly. "Because if we weren't human once, we wouldn't have been in hell being ripped apart over and over again. Humans are labile. And can easily turn into backstabbing psychos. Otherwise, hell wouldn't be full of screams, now would it?"

"And what does it take to be sent to hell? Not everyone screaming in hell is evil. It's one of the great hypocrasies of heaven. All it takes is breaking any of the ten, really. Hell, all it takes is not being Christian if you believe the company line. Dean and I kept a man out of hell who sold his soul to cure his wife of cancer. One man we couldn't save just wanted his art to be recognized. I don't believe for a minute that even half of the people in hell are evil. Just... abandoned." He said. "What they become afterwards... I suppose is no one's fault but God's for allowing it. "

She looked at him almost in wonder. "You're still a good person, Sam. I don't know how you've managed it, but you're still a good person." She said. "Try not to lose that, it's all that's standing between you and the fire."

"Come on... let's go see what we need to get the Shaman going on that cure, so we can put him back in his grave." Sam had about all the introspection he could handle for one night. He found himself falling short of the mark he had set for himself . But then, not many could compare to his brother.

****  
Laura wakened and drew in a sharp breath followed by a sighing yawn. She smiled at Dean and looked out the window at the scenery, even though it was obscured by darkness. "How long was I asleep?" She asked.

"Five hours." Dean said as he sharpened his knives. It was a calming ritual for him. Took no thought, just muscle memory. Allowing him to think on other things. Seals. His brother. End of the world. His brother. Asshole angels. His brother. Hell. His brother. "We made great time to Texas, figured you could use the sleep in something that wasn't moving."

"Yeah, I was starting to think I would never feel my backside again." She got up and walked around the room. "What about you, have you had any sleep?" Laura knew that he wasn't doing well. Not really. But there wasn't anything she could do to help him. Some things he had to deal with in his own way. His brother was one subjec t that no one could help him with.

"Not really. Luckily I don't need much." Dean said. And he really believed that too. "Took a power nap, then found some knives to sharpen." He kept looking outside. "I keep wondering what's going to happen next. Can I of all people really stop the Apocalypse? Sam? No doubt, kid's got a good heart. All I got to bring to the table is a dazzling smile, kick ass car, and a whole boat load of guilt. It's not going to be enough."

Laura moved to kneel in front of him, taking the knives out of his hands. She took his hands in hers. "I think you and your brother have a good heart in common." She knew Dean didn't see himself that way. He saw himself reflected in the fires of hell. "I don't know what's going to come at us next. I don't know if an entire army of hunters and angels would be enough. I do know that I have faith in you." She told him. "I know that God has faith in you . Yeah, I know... that's probably scarier than the apocalypse itself. "

"Christians, especially Catholics, believe God is infallible. So this just might unravel the fabric of the universe." He said. He gave her a crooked smile. "I was just sharpening them. Wasn't planning on doing anything like slitting a major artery or anything. When I go down, it's going to be fighting this Apocalypse. Not in the dark in some motel room somewhere in the middle of....I don't even know what town we're in any more."

"God is infallible. His plan is perfect. Unfortunately he doesn't share information." She said with a smile. "I don't think He even shares everything with Castiel. What you do, what you are able to accomplish, will be exactly what you were saved in order to accomplish, as long as you continue to throw yourself into it as you have been." She squeezed his hands. "What happened, Dean? What happened to take away your faith in yourself?" She asked gently.

"Because I screw everything up." He said with a chuckle. "My brother was killed, shouldn't have happened. Should have been there sooner. Even Azazel....Dad had to crawl out of hell himself to help. And he was....Dad. 120 years in hell and he was still Dad. Things didn't start going badly for Sam, really bad, until after I came back. What's that say?"

She took a deep breath. "I wasn't here then. I don't know how to say what was and wasn't going badly for Sam. I can only know what I have seen since I met you. You don't screw everything up. You have saved my life twice, you've protected seals from being opened. Sam's problems don't stem from you. How bad they are isn't the point. They aren't your fault and you have done everything to keep him safe and sane that you possibly could. That choice was taken out of your hands by angels and demons."

"I'm just sick of being a pawn. Really am." Dean said. "Even if they have to take orders from me, I'm still a pawn, and I can't even see the board." He shook his head and stood up. "Okay, we're in Texas, should be some sign here somewhere." He said as he turned on the TV and started channel surfing.

"In a historic...." Flip. "A moment in...." Flip. "Fresh breath guaranteed." Flip. "Israel...." Flip. "Tonight at 11." Flip. "Palestine...." Flip. "Exclusive TV offer." Flip. "Peace...." Flip.

"Okay, maybe not." Dean said.

"Wait... back up... a few channels back, to the whole Israel/Palestine thing." She said, actually paling a little, and for the first time actually praying that it was going to be an announcement that there were acts of aggression between the two countries again.

"Didn't you make fun of me for watching CSPAN?" Dean said as he backed up the channels. "CNN isn't much better you know."

".....a complete cease fire has been announced on the Gaza strip, with both sides pulling their forces back. We go live to Tel Aviv with our correspondant."

"Thank you. Today, the heads of Israel and Palestine have acheived peace. All signed, every T crossed, every I dotted. All military is pulled back to their homelands, and disbursement of supplies to civilians has started. As a group effort."

"Something I should know?" Dean asked.

She nodded and reached over to turn off the TV. "The book of Daniel talks about the anti christ. 'And he shall confirm a covenant with the many for one week. And in the midst of the week he shall cause the sacrifice and oblation to cease; and for the overspreading of abominations, and he shall make it desolate even until the consumation'." She said. "Time in biblical prophesy is relative. Dreams have days as years, or weeks as years so it's a time frame of roughly 7 something... most biblical scholars say years. But anyway that's not why this scares me... The hebrews used to sacrifice animals to attone for their sins. Christ was sent to be the ultimate sacrifice, that's why christians don't. The reason the Jews don't any longer is that their temple was destroyed, and they must make the sacrifices in the temple." She said, watching him to see if he was following. "They can only build their temple on the site of the original temple. Rig ht now, the Dome of the Rock and another holy site for the muslim faith sit on the Temple Mount. Which is why the the Hebrew temple hasn't been rebuilt." She took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "A treaty between the two countries might allow the temple to be rebuilt. The sacrifices to be resumed. Which has to happen in order for the anti christ to cause them to cease."

"Oh great. Don't worry, Uriel will blame me. Obviously I should have been able to keep two nations at war." Dean said with a roll of his eyes. "So which do you think is a seal? That they can talk without blowing each other away? Or rebuilding of a temple?"

"It's not a seal... it's a sign. It means that the anti christ is active, and pushing for peace under one rule. At least that's the theory held by a lot of scholars. A one world government. It's why so many people were freaked by the UN when it was formed. It's why Social Security Numbers were frightening at first. Under any other circumstances, I would say it was nothing. But knowing that they are trying to bring about Armaggedon... it makes this a little scary."

"Wow, that was comforting." Dean said with a grown. "Okay, well I can't do much about that. I'm needed here in Texas, not in Israel or Palestine or wherever sabotaging temple building supplies."

"The anti christ loses you know... Lucifer is bound and Christ rules on earth for 1000 years. " She said as she got up from the floor and went to sit on the bed. "So I'm confused as to what's going on. It's supposed to be 7 years of tribulation and then the end. So far this is the first time any of it has made sense. Not that I am anxious to move on. I like life as it is thank you very much, but I would think Angels would be all for the culmination of God's plan."

Dean got up and paced. Thinking. Where the hell was Sam when he needed his brother's freakishly oversized brain?

"What if....?" Dean suggested. "What if it's not happening on God's timetable? If it's not on His timetable, He can't exactly guarantee the end, can he?"

She got up and started pacing herself. "It would take something big to do that." She told him. "I mean... the fallen would have been wanting to upset the apple cart..well. since the Fall. And they haven't been able to do it, until now. I think you are right, but what did it? Maybe if we figure that out we can stop it. But I have no idea how to go about finding that out."

"Maybe it's something that already happened." Dean said. "I mean, I'm not supposed to be able to kill a fallen angel, but I did. Sam wasn't supposed to be able to bind Lilith, but he did. Maybe Azazel's little blood letting and army creating sped it up."

"I don't think that's it... but I could be wrong." She said. "Maybe I have too much faith in the ineffable plan, or maybe I'm completely off base... I don't know..." She didn't know what it was about it that was nagging her. She knew she wasn't seeing it. "I agree that you two shouldn't have been able to do that, but I don't know that it was Azazel that caused it. "

"I don't know either. All I know is this whole thing is started on a bad premise. That humans can't do anything about anything." Dean said. "Sam and I? We wasted three pagan gods. A fallen angel. Sam bagged whatever Lilith is. Wendigos, vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters....everything that goes bump in the night, we've dealt with. Now heaven or hell, or both is throwing things in our path. You know, no one else gets these cases. Which just makes me think that we're just more pieces on the grand chessboard. Not happy about it, but I play to win. Okay, I can't get Palestine and Israel fighting again. But I can do other things. On the 'Welcome Anti Christ' cliff notes, what's next?"

"Natural disasters, famine, disease. One world government, the mark of the beast- which you have to have in order to be able to buy or sell anything... Revelations gets into a lot of imagery that I don't think anyone can really interpret definitively. The gospels say And there will be signs in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars; and on the earth distress of nations, with perplexity, the sea and the waves roaring; and men's hearts failing them from fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the earth, for the powers of heaven will be shaken."

"Wow. Sorry I asked." Dean said as he grabbed a local newspaper. "Okay, well, I'm Texas for something I can stop. I can't stop any of that. I'm pretty awesome, but even I can't stop the seas from roaring. So there's something here that I can do. I just have to find it."

*****

Sam closed the book, and gave it back to Alex. He had all the photo copies he needed. Two copies. One that he had scribbled notes in the margin, and on the back of, the other that was stuffed into the pages of his journal as reference points for continued research. He put one copy into a manilla envelope, and addressed it to Bobby Singer. If anyone could see things that he couldn't, it was Bobby.

That and Bobby could pass it on to Dean once he had taken a look at it. Maybe even get a few others on the job. That was his hope anyway.

"I'll be back." He said as he walked out the front door of the farm house. He took out his cell phone and dialed Pamela's number. He hadn't heard from her in a while and wanted to check in. The way things were going, he couldnt take for granted that she was safe.

"Hey Sam." Pamela said when she picked up the phone. "Been meaning to call you. But things have been a little busy on the spirit plane, figured I'd just keep listening. How goes the formation of demons for Jesus?"

Sam laughed at that. "It's going." He said smiling broadly "I actually had a proposition for you. " He said and closed his eyes as soon as he had said it. He knew how it had come out, and he also knew how she would run with it, just as surely as she knew he was now blushing furiously.

"Really?" She asked and laughed. "Oh Sammy, I think I might be too much for you to handle. The last one I had didn't wake for for a day and a half after. You better stock up on your Wheaties before you proposition me, hon."

"I'll keep that in mind." He said. "Actually I was wanting you to come out here, and stay with us... I worry about you. I've got one of those bad feelings. I don't have visions anymore, but, still... I'd feel better if I knew you were alright." He didn't trust the angels at all, and he trusted demons outside his circle even less. It wouldn't be hard to track Pamela down if they wanted to do it.

"You think they're going to come after me? I think they already did enough, don't you?" She said, referring to her eyes. Or rather, the absence of her eyes, they'd been literally burned out of her skull when she was trying to contact Castiel. "But, you know what? I will. Because you need someone to watch your back." Dean did too, she figured, but she couldn't find any sign of Dean.

"Thank you." He said, not about to argue with her. He didn't know if it would do any good for her to be at his back, but having her at his side could make all the difference in how things played out. "I'm in San Antonio. So... let me know when your bus is supposed to arrive and I will be there to get you."

She laughed. "My bus will be there in an hour." She said. "I've been keeping tabs on you, Winchester. Someone had to."

He laughed. "I'm on my way." He said. "Should give me time to run a couple errands. See you soon." He told her and hung up. He got into the car and started toward town. This time dialing Bobby Singer's number. He didn't want to do that near the demons. They wouldn't understand his contacting Bobby. But he wanted the man to know he was sending a package.

"Sam, good to hear from you." Bobby said. "Haven't heard much from you lately." Or from Dean for that matter.

"You too, Bobby." He said sincerely. "I'm sending you some photo copies from a book that I found." He said. "It's supposedly a book about seals. Thought I would have you take a look at it and see if it looks like the real deal. If it is... Dean might need it."

"You sending it overnight?" Bobby asked. "Cause I might need to look at that sooner than later. You been watching the news, wherever you are?"

"Yeah I have been. That's why I am sending this your way. I had been trying to verify it myself. No time now. I'll send it over night." He drove toward town. "I talked to Pamela. She said that Dean was being blocked from her sight. Is he okay?"

"I hope so." Bobby said. "I haven't heard from him a couple of weeks myself, since that whole Lilith episode."

"Do you have his cell number? I tried to call, but I am being blocked some how. I think the angels are still trying to keep me away from him. Probably safer for him right now, no matter what he would say about that. We both know Dean wouldn't do what was safer for him even if there was a gun pointed at his head."

"The angels must be blocking it, he hasn't changed it." Bobby said. "He's hoping you'll call again, apparently the signal was bad in the last call, he couldn't get a word in edgewise or something. But I know your brother. Luckily he's got someone traveling with him, a walking seal. He's taken it upon himself to keep the girl safe and everything, so it's cut down on his passive suicide attempts a bit. A lot like when he was with you in fact." He'd only gone full on suicidal when Sam was dead.

"That's good. Let him know I tried. I know the truth now. When this is all done, we'll sort it out. Until then, I don't think they will let us." He said. "Pamela is working with me so I'm not out here alone either. Chasing things down as best I can. I'm glad he has someone with him. A girl huh... how is that going?" Dean was either going to break the girl's heart or get his own heart broken. He knew his brother.

"I'm hoping your brother is giving her mind blowing sex." Bobby said, and explained what he knew about Laura with a laugh. "Last I knew she was still tagging along, no idea if she still is. Nice girl though. Tell Pamela I said hi, and I wish everyone luck. I'll call when I get the package, let you know I got it safely."

"There is a story there that I don't know I want to hear." Sam said with a laugh."And I will. Thanks." He said. "I'm at the post office now. Talk to you tomorrow." He said and hung up. After mailing the letter over night post, he headed over to the bus station to wait on Pamela.

Pamela was already off the bus when she felt Sam approach. "Bus got here early, kiddo." She said with a smile, turning when she approached, her plastic eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses.

"Sorry about that." He said. "I had to stop by the post office. Usually these things run late." He said moving in to give her a hug. "I just got off the phone with Bobby, he said tell you hi."

"I bet he does." Pamela said as she returned the hug. And managed to goose him all in one swift movement. "Now come on, Grumpy, take me to get something to eat, then back to where you're staying.

****

Castiel was headed to Texas when he was stopped. Rudely and roughly, if he might add. He stood and looked at....Uriel.

With others.

All together, he could see the diminishment.

And it frightened him to the core.

"Uriel....what are you doing?"

"You're coming with us. I have nothing against you. It's your job, protecting both of them. No matter how unworthy they are. But I won't allow you to interfere this time."

"Uriel, you need think what you're doing." Castiel said slowly. "This is not His plan, and you know that. You're working against the plan, and therefore against our Father."

"His plan? How do you even know what His plan is? It filters down through factions. Is his plan is to put those stinking mud monkeys above us? Above US, his first creations, his loyal creations. He has set that human above us all. Ordered us to follow him, to let him command us. Does that sound like our father's plan? Even if it is, His plan is falling apart. His time line is falling apart. "

"It's been pushed forward." Castiel said. "Watch yourself, Uriel. Lucifer spoke much the same way before his fall. Stop. Think what you're doing. We have our orders."

"I'm not interfering with Dean and his mission. Sam has crossed the line. He is consorting with demons. He didn't destroy Lilith, he left her in a vessel that could be broken. I aim to find out what he did with her, before destroying him. He is after all a seal. One that can't be undone or ignored once it's broken. That means I am following my orders."

"By interfering with me getting to Dean, you're not following orders." Castiel said. "Uriel, none of us wants to see Lucifer walk. God has appointed who He has appointed to stop this. And we help them. That is our task."

"The seal here can't be stopped.' Uriel said. "No one short of god can stop this one. Why do you think he was told to come here? He's bait." He nodded to his brothers. "Bring him with us. If he resists, break something."

*****

They were driving. Again. But Dean had a feeling. That and some dead cows. San Antonio, Texas was as good a place as any. Especially since he hadn't heard from Castiel, and he was never good at sitting still and waiting.

"Dead cows, usually a sign of something." Dean said. "Especially when they're not rotting, but they're definitely dead. Should be fun." He said as he pulled into the city limits.

"Gotta admit... Dead cows are strange. When there are this many of them and they arent being slaughtered." She looked out the window. "Oh wow...birds." She said looking up at the enormous flock of birds flying over head. "Lot of them." She thought it looked as though they didn't know which way they were trying to fly.

"It's not migratory season." Dean said as he slowed down to watch the birds. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were flying drunk...." He said. "Let's get a hotel, see what's going on."

"I hope they dot start dropping dead on us like the cows." She said, continuing to watch the birds as Dean drove. "How about lunch after we get checked in? Pick up a paper and see what's going on locally."

"Talk to some of the locals." Dean said. "See what they feel. I've been to San Antonio before, I like it. Usually doesn't give me the creeps."

"Well I am sure it doesnt usually have dead livestock lining the road side." She said "or birds trying aerial ballet." They found a hotel easily enough. They were the only ones checked in as far as she knew. all the keys were still hanging on the hooks by the room numbers.

"An empty house today I take it" She said while Dean was filling out the paperwork.

"Yeah, it's been dead here since the cattle started dying. I think folks are convinced it's contagious to humans or something. Diseases rarely work that way from what I can tell should be safe enough Miss... or is it Mrs?" He asked.

Dean just smiled and took the key after signing the credit slip. "Thanks." He said. He had years of ducking that question. After all, people used to assume he and Sam were a couple. Not that he'd never sharply corrected that assumption. They walked out of the office and toward their room. "You hear that?" He said. "Absolute silence. Really not liking this."

"Me either." She said as she unlocked the room and went inside. She had grown accustomed to the routine of checking out the room, and laying down protections first thing. She had added her own additions, rosary in the toilet tank, and the like.

Dean sat on the bed and went through his own rituals. Bobby had given him Sam's cell number. And he called it. Often. And usually it told him that the number he was trying to call was not in service or something like that. But he kept calling it as he laid down salt lines. Bobby told him he was checking something out for Sam, and that Pamela was with him. Which Dean believed, because he couldn't reach Pamela either.

Laura watched Dean trying to call Sam, and it broke her heart. She knew it wasn't Castiel that was keeping the brothers apart, but someone was. She thought she knew who. It wasn't a grand stretch of the imagination really. He was, after all, the archangel that had removed Sam from Dean's life in the first place. She moved to the bed and climbed on behind Dean and slid her arms around him.

Dean tried a couple more times, then closed the phone. "Nope." He said simply. He'd try again later. He always did. "This place have room service?" He asked, since she picked the hotel this time. "Or we getting food from somewhere else?" Though the rate things were going, he was wondering if it was possible to have Heart of Uriel flame broiled and on a plate.

"We're getting food from elsewhere. This one has laundry service." Which to her was more important. Food could be delivered, retrieved or they could eat in the restaurant and relax. There was no pleasant way to do laundry. "I think I saw a couple restaurants up the road a bit. A walk would do me good. Remind me that my hips and thighs have a purpose beyond warming leather apholestry." She teased.

"Well, if we're going to be that way, I can think of a couple of things they could warm up instead." He teased back. "after lunch. I'm starving." A normal state of being. Laura was consistently amazed (and sometimes disgusted) at what he could look at, smell, or touch and continue eating.

"Oh I suppose I can wait until after lunch." She teased in return. Her life had changed so dramatically since Dean had rescued her. Yet it all seemed to fall into place. This wasn't the life she had dreamed of growing up. She had dreamt of a house, children, PTA meetings and a husband that was a deacon in the church. She had wanted a quiet simple life. But looking back on those dreams they seemed empty in comparison now.

She didn't know if Dean felt as strongly for her as she did for him and she didn't ask. She wouldn't ask. Partly because in the end it didn't matter, things were as they were and she was happy. Knowing could change that dramatically and she was savvy enough to know that. But also because he didn't need the added stress of worrying about whether or not his feelings were going to hurt her. She couldn't do that to him.

He treated her well, better than she could have ever imagined really. He cared. She knew that. But she also knew that he was on the edge of breaking. Being without his brother was even harder for him than the impending apocalypse. And there was no way that she could ever fill that gaping hole in his life. Sam was the one that he needed. She would have to settle for being wanted, and for now that was enough.

*****

The demons didn't exactly warm up to Pamela. She was brash. Outspoken. And turned everything Sam said around to sound like a sexual innuendo. She knew that. She also knew it was one of the few ways to make Grumpy smile. Poor kid was on the verge of falling apart, and the demons didn't see that. They saw a future leader, a human messiah for the black and smoky crowd.

Pamela had been robbed of her eyes, but she still saw things quite clearly. And when she looked at Sam, she saw cracks a mile wide held together by the most fragile of gossamer. It wouldn't take much to break the very core of him, and that was her biggest fear.

"Shhh." She said to a demon who was yapping in her ear. "I'm listening." She said as she got in tune with the spirit plane. "Something's going on. Shut up so I can find out."

Sam watched and took a seat near her. This was why he had asked her here. Or at least on the surface why he had asked her there. He knew as well as she did that he wasn't doing well. It was like before... those four months that Dean was gone. He had been flying apart at the seams until Ruby had found him. Now Ruby was dead.

He wasn't sexually attracted to Pamela... well that wasn't entirely true. He figured it would take a eunuch or someone with a preference for men not to find her sexually attractive. But he also liked her. Which meant he couldn't go there if he wanted to. Not if he wanted her to live. Which he did. Real friends were hard to find at the best of times. No sense killing them off just because junior woke up every now and again.

Even the shaman stopped his work and watched Pamela. Pamela was an 'other', like himself. Probably the only white person he wasn't snarling at since his forced resurrection.

Pamela turned sharply toward Sam and grabbed his shoulder. "We need to move. Out of here. There's an earthquake coming."

"What? We're not on a fault line." A demon said.

"Are you possessing an idiot and it rubbed off somehow?" She snapped. "That doesn't matter. There's an earthquake coming, and it's going to be bad. Now I say we get out of here, and someone else other than me should drive, dontcha think?"

"Let's go." Sam said. "One of the signs is supposed to be earthquakes and other natural disasters. Don't think fault lines matter much when it's God and lucifer arguing that sets off the shakes." He took Pamela's hand and started toward the door, pausing long enough to grab his bag full of research and his laptop. Everything else was in the car he had acquired. Sam stayed ready to move in a moment's notice.

"Actually, Texas is on a fault line." Pamela said. "A minor one, but this quake will put San Andreas to shame." She said as she stopped and shook Sam off. "Wait." She said, listening. "Oh god...Sam....Dean is here. I'm picking up some chatter, Dean's here. He's close."

Sam looked to Alex. "Take everyone to the secondary site, make sure the shaman doesn't lose what he has been working on, that is more important than anything else." He said as he got into the car. "Do you know where he is or is he just in San Antonio?" He asked as he pulled out his cell phone knowing that he wouldn't be able to get through but he had to try anyway. He had to warn his brother about the quake.

"Just in San Antonio." Pamela said. "Big surprise, he's eating. That's all I know, it's vague at best, like looking at it all through curtains or something." She said as she rubbed her temples, sitting in the passenger seat. She was his only guide in this after all. "This is frustrating." She said. She was a premier psychic. And right now, she felt like one of those carnival frauds trying too hard.

Dean was eating with Laura at some non descript diner when his phone rang. He looked at it, expecting it to be Bobby.

But that's not what the caller ID said. And he stared at it for a few rings. Then opened it and answered it.

"Sam?" He said, food forgotten. "Sam? You there? Where are you?"

"I'm in San Antonio... Pamela says you are, too. Look... there is an earthquake coming... major one. One of the signs. " He said. "You gotta get out of town fast. Where are you?"

"Some diner." Dean said. He never knew where he ate. He just picked a place and ate. But he got up, threw money on the table and grabbed Laura's hand. "Sam....what's going on....."

Then the line went dead.

And for once, it wasn't because of some supernatural interference.

The car Sam was driving was nearly thrown off the road as the ground beneath it buckled and shook, as the diner Dean was in seemed to shatter around him. He and Laura had managed to get out of the diner, and the force of the earthquake separated them, throwing them in different directions as the city crumbled around them.

Laura picked herself up off of the ground and looked around. "Dean!" She called out as she turned in a full circle, staring at the destruction, only to be knocked to the ground again by another round of shaking. She screamed as the road cracked and created a fissure nearly three feet wide that extended to the sidewalk she was standing on, and she rolled out of the way barely in time. "Dean!" She cried out again.

Dean had fallen into one of those fissures when the quake tossed him like a rag doll, and he fell hard. Thenthings fell on him. He was barely conscious and felt something pressing on his chest. He got a hand loose. Yup, something was on his chest. No wonder he could barely breathe. Well, this sucked.

Laura trembled as she looked around, scanning the area for Dean, looking for some sign of where he could have gone, knowing he wouldn't leave her willingly. The tears started to fall as thoughts of the worst possibilities filled her mind. Then she heard the voice.

"Shhh... be calm, Child. All will be well." The voice to her ears was calming, soothing, but all the glass remaining in the windows surrounding her shattered explosively.

Dean managed to pull himself out from the rubble, leaving smears of blood behind him, his hands numb and one leg just not responding to his commands as he grasped onto the edge of the hole he was in and started to pull himself up. His shoulders screaming loud in protest, but he heard Laura. He just couldn't waste the energy to respond. He swore he could hear bells, and if his eyes could focus, he'd probably see stars.

He got hit with exploding glass, never a good thing. And figured it was angels doing it. Why did it always have to be angels?

Then the aftershocks came, and he lost his tenuous grip on the edge, falling harder than he had originally.

Pamela grabbed onto Sam as the aftershock came. She couldn't focus on Dean, there were too many other hurt and dying people. But she could feel him vaguely. "When I offered for you to rock my world, not exactly what I meant kiddo."

"Yeah, well, look on the bright side." He said. "Since I didn't rock your world, nothing is going to come out of nowhere and kill you today." Sam told her as he led the way through the town. "It's gotta be close over on this side of town. This is where the low rent motels are, and the places we eat are usually close to home." He said.

Pamela held on tight to Sam's arm. She had other senses that more than made up for her lack of sight. However, they didn't seem to steer her clear of debris, so she was dependent on Sam for that. "Laura." She said. "Her name is Laura. If we find Laura, we can find Dean. Wherever he is, it's dark. And tight."

Dean flicked his zippo. And even that took a couple tries. He winced at the light, and realized he didn't have a whole lot of room. He couldn't even tell if anything was broken. Well, he was sure his ribs were at any case. He blinked as the flame danced before him, then there were two flames, then three of them.....great, another knock on the head. He put the lighter away. "Hello?" He called out, even if it wasn't much more than a whisper. "Sam? Laura?"

Laura called out Dean's name, her voice stronger, now, not so frightened as she sensed the presence of her Archangel behind her. Michael had said it was going to be alright, so it was. If she did as she was supposed to do and found Dean.

"Over here." The voice said "Look down there " She was told and she did. The fissure was filling slowly but filling none the less. "No... " she breathed "Dean!" She cried out again and, with no thought to her own well being, leapt into the fissure, beginning to dig at the dirt and debris where the archangel had indicated. "Dean!" She called out, hoping for a sign of life as she pawed her way through what she could. Her hands quickly becoming torn and bloody.

Sam looked up, hearing a feminine voice crying out his brother's name. He took off at a run, still holding to Pamela's hand. "Are you Laura?" He asked reaching the fissure, and the source of the voice.

"Yes." She said, not stopping.

"He's in there?" Sam asked, not bothering to explain who. "Stay here." He told Pamela and got into the fissure with her, picked Laura up and put her up on the edge out of the way as he took over what she was doing moving larger pieces of debris out of the fissure entirely, not wanting to use his power yet because he could accidentally cause more harm than help at this point.

Dean thought he heard something, but thought it was also his mind playing tricks on him. It had done that, in hell. Every once in a while, so they could really shove the bamboo under his nails, he'd hear his brother's voice coming to get him out of whatever trouble he'd gotten himself into this time.  
But he was definitely sure he felt wet. All over. And knew for certain that he was in big trouble when his ears started filling with water and his free hand splashed around a bit. He'd fallen near a broken water main, and it was filling his coffin sized hole up quickly. Before he fully realized what was happening, the water had reached his nose, and then the top of the fissure. And there was no where for Dean to go. Every time he scratched at the rubble above him, it brought more down on him and made his hole even smaller.

This was worse than crawling out of his own grave.  
He held his breath as long as he could, until his body fought him on that. And inhaled water. Nothing but water, no air that he desperately needed right now.

"Sam...." Pamela said as she held onto Laura's arm. "Work faster. He's.....wet."  
Sam paused. "Step back, Laura you too." He said and didn't look back to see if they had complied or not before he stood and stared at the ground, focusing his will upon it. Dirt flew outward and up, until he saw his brother's hand, muddy and grasping. He took it and used that connection to focus on what he was doing. Everything that surrounded his brother flew apart, out and away from them including the water until he could pull Dean free of it.

He carried Dean as easily as he could a child up and out of the fissure and lay him on the pavement, on his stomach with his head to the side as he pushed the water out of his lungs.

Dean blacked out before he was lifted out. He wondered if this was what dying was supposed to feel like. Instead of being torn apart, simply lifted. He wasn't aware of more glass breaking around him. He didn't register the screeching sound he knew all too well.

He didn't hear an explosion several blocks away that shook the ground again, sending debris on the small group gathered around Dean. He didn't feel his brother thumping him on the back. It was if he was already gone.

Only to feel the broken asphalt below his cheek. And tasted the dirty water again as it was forced out of his lungs as he coughed, aggravating injuries he hadn't felt before.

Pamela knelt down beside him, brushing the glass out of his hair, brushing some of the blood off his face. "He's back, Laura."

She was vibrating. Laura knew what that explosion was, and she had heard what michael had said before his presence disappeared. "Abaddon... we have to get him out of here. If Abaddon finds him..." she said looking to Sam, who actually paled at the thought.

"He has to be gotten to a hospital." He said. He couldn't take on a fallen angel, not yet. They were outside his power range. Besides he wasn't going to leave his brother just yet. He bent down and gently lifted him into his arms. "Let's go. It would take longer to get an ambulance here than to just take him there ourselves." He said. "Pamela this is Laura... Laura this is Pamela." He started walking toward the nearest hospital.

Laura followed, not moving far from Dean's side. "Nice to meet you... and glad you came along when you did." She would never have been able to save him on her own. So this was Sam... some how she didn't see the fluffy puppy that Dean had described. Fortunately she didn't see the monster that Uriel insisted he was either.

"Sam...." Dean said, and spit up more dirty water on himself and his brother as he coughed. He looked at his brother with clear eyes. "Sam, get out of here." He said. It was all so clear to him. The only clear thing in his mind actually. And though these weren't the words he wanted to say, he said them anyway. "Get away from me. I'm bait, you have to go. Now." He said as he coughed, bringing up bloody water this time. "Sam....go. I'm fine. Go."

"No." Sam said firmly as they neared the emergency room. "I am not leaving you. We'll do this together. Heaven and Hell can both go get fucked." Sam was tired of losing. He was going to hang onto his brother. He knew he couldn't leave until he knew from a doctor that Dean was fine anyway. The man couldn't be trusted when he said he was alright. And no one buried in rubble, and half drowned could be fine.

"You're not listening!" Dean said, grabbing onto Sam's shirt like he wanted to throttle his tall little brother. And right then, he did. Sam never listened. "You have to go." He said firmly as he was brought into the emergency room, which was inundated with injured right now. "They'll get you and it'll be my fault."

Sam found a gurney and lay his brother on it, as Laura went looking for a nurse or medic to help them. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't waste your strength or your breath. They have chased me away enough." He said. "And you are not fine. I can tell. I could always tell."

"Bullshit." Dean said as he coughed. His whole chest felt like it was on fire as a nurse came and started to triage him.

"We're moving him right now." The nurse said urgently. The man's abdomen was discolored. And starting to expand. "Who can sign consents for him?"

"Do you want brother or wife?" Sam asked, starting the con again. He knew that if something happened and he wasn't there for what ever reason Laura would have to stand in. He handed over the card he used for insurance to Laura. "Here... use my card. I know yours and Dean's are missing with your purse right now." He moved with the gurney, not about to let his brother out of his sight until he had to.

"Come on, hon, let's get those forms signed so we can harass them in a minute." Pamela said, urging Laura over to the sound of the nurse's voice. Keeping it light, she didn't need everyone to panic.

The doctor examined Dean, who had lost consciousness again. Which was perfect for everyone involved, it made him a much more compliant patient.

"Your brother needs surgery. One of his broken ribs lacerated his spleen, he's bleeding internally. I'm waiting for Xrays of his leg, that too might need to be set surgically. His skull is fractured, and there is some subdural hemorrhaging. The water he inhaled damaged his lung tissue. If his oxygen levels don't improve, we may have to intubate."

Sam paled. "What ever you have to do, do it." Sam said. "Laura will have signed all the consent forms." He ran a hand through his hair. "What are his chances?" He asked. "Before she comes back... what are his chances?"

"He's young, healthy." The doctor said carefully. "The water in his lungs could be a problem, it could start a chain reaction we can't stop. If his brain swells, well we might not be able to stop it....." He said.

"Doctor!" A nurse who was watching Dean's heart rhythm suddenly said.

"Shit!" The doctor said before thinking as he left Sam without a word and went back into the room. "Charge the paddles. He's in V fib."

Uriel breezed into the hallway, flanked by two other men. Or 'men.' "Samuel." He said calmly, neutrally. "We need a word. Now."


	9. I'm Alive

AN: Thank you for continuing to follow our story. Please review, the plot bunnies are hungry and they are eating my toes again. We all know plot bunnies love nothing more than knowing what they have done right or have done wrong.

Chapter 9: Alive

_I'm a runaway train on a broken track_

_I'm a ticker on the bomb that you can't turn back_

_this time, that's right I got away with it all and I'm still alive_

Sam looked from Uriel to the others. "This isn't a good time." Dean had been right. Not that he would have done things differently knowing what would come of it. "I am going to stay right here until I know Dean is alright. Then you can do what you think you have to do." He figured this was the end. That they were there to destroy him once and for all.

"Your brother is not your concern any longer." Uriel said.

"Where's the atropine? We're going to lose him...."

"Lost the IV!"

"There's nothing you can do for him now." Uriel said, dispassionately watching the chaotic scene.

"Dean will always be my concern. Nothing you can do, no hell you can send me to, will change that." He said turning his back on the archangel to watch his brother. His heart lodged in his throat, pounding so hard that he was sure he was going to choke on it. "You could help him. But that isn't really what you want is it... you want us both dead. What's wrong, Uriel? Doesn't daddy love you any more?"

"I will ignore your mocking." Uriel said. "Let's go, Samuel. We should take a walk."

"Tube down!" A plastic tube was now sticking out of Dean's mouth, and taped to his face as a bag was attached to it.

"Clear!"

"Got a rhythm." The doctor said, stripping off his gloves. "Get him prepped for surgery, and make sure he's got an ICU bed. Type and cross for blood." He went back out to the hall where Sam was waiting. "When water, a lot of water, enters the lungs, it starts a chemical reaction. It's called secondary drowning. His blood cells burst, releasing chemicals that changed his heart rhythm. We've got that stabilized, for now, and he's intubated. We've got a machine breathing for him now, but we have to take care of that spleen, or he'll bleed to death."

"No." Sam said. "I am not leaving this hospital until Dean is out of the woods. And believe me, you don't want to push the matter." Sam knew there was little he could do to stop them, but that didn't mean he was going to lie down and die willingly either.

"You don't want to push me either." Uriel said, but walked away. Too many upright monkeys around to take care of this matter in a satisfactory manner.

"We're taking him to surgery now. Where's his wife?" The doctor asked. He didn't want to know what that was about, his only focus was on the man's brother.

"She is over there." He said, indicating Laura and Pamela sitting together. "Is he going to make it?" He asked again, his eyes desperate, in spite of the calmness of his tone.

The doctor took a breath. "We don't know." He said honestly. "But we'll do everything in our power." He said as he walked over to Laura and explained what he told Sam. It wasn't good. At all. And Laura could see Dean being wheeled to the OR, a team of personnel around him with IVs and a ventilator.

She wiped the tears from her face. "How long will he be in surgery?" She asked, her voice trembling. She didn't want to lose him, and she was sure that was what was happening. Even though Michael had told her it would all be well. Sometimes even her faith faltered. Especially when confronted with what looked like so much contradictory imperical evidence. She gave Sam a small brief smile as he rested a hand on her shoulder.

"A couple of hours." The doctor said. "Why don't you go to the cafeteria, get some coffee, some food." The doctor offered. "There's a surgical waiting area, we'll look for you there to give you updates."

"Come on, honey. Coffee will do everyone some good." Pamela encouraged.

Sam nodded. "Thank you, Doctor. We'll see you when the surgery is done." He said and rested a hand at Laura's back for support as they walked. He could see Uriel watching. He knew that his time was running out. One excuse. One moment when no one but the three of them were present and he would act. It would be the women that paid for it in the end if he wasn't careful. "You love him, don't you?" He said to Laura already knowing the answer. "You have to take care of him when I'm not there. He won't take care of himself. No matter what he tells you... he isn't fine. "

"I know." Laura said softly. "I know.... I will take care of him, but you have to go." She said, knowing the other angels were there. "I can sense the angels here. He would rather you left than be harmed. It would destroy him if he thought he was the reason you were harmed."

"If anything happens to me, you can lay it at Uriel's feet. Not Dean's. "  
"I know... Sam, you have to be careful. Uriel isn't following the plan anymore. He... he is... his grace is fading. I don't think there is far for him to fall."

"I don't trust angels. Any of them. I can't afford to with what I am." Sam said. "Anyway. I am going to go make a phone call." He said looking to Pamela. "If anything happens, you call the boys and they will come get you. " They didn't like her much, but they would protect her.

"Sam..." Pamela said, and hugged Sam. This time without grabbing his ass. "Be careful. Just....just remember Sam, okay?"

Sam held her close. "I will be... and don't worry. I won't forget anything. Ever." He told her. "Take care of my brother." He let go then turned to walk away. He didn't put it past Uriel to interfere with the surgery or find a way to cut power. "What is it you want, Uriel?" He said as he paused in the hall, out of sight of the women.

"To correct an abomination." Uriel said, again flanked by his comrades. "You've known it all your life too. The only reason you're alive is your brother made a deal with demons."

"I don't have demon blood in me." Sam said. Having been studying that as thoroughly as the rest. "It's fallen angel blood... fallen archangel blood. Tell me... are you more afraid that I will become evil... or that I won't?" He asked, leaning against the wall. He wasn't going to actively resist in the hospital but he wasn't going to just walk away with them willingly either.

Uriel laughed. "You work with demons. You are leading demons. You expect me to believe you're raising funds for the poor? Whatever work you might be doing that could benefit my side is incidental, and totally based on selfish wants and desires." He said.

"Oh yeah." Sam said sarcastically. "I just love fighting your war, being on the run, leaving my brother." He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's so selfish to want to keep the world as it is rather than hell on earth but hey, whatever gets you through the night." He sighed. "And what are your motivations, Uriel? Your side isn't the same side as Castiel, or whatever angel watches over Laura. You're some third faction... the new war in heaven that you haven't had the balls to take upstairs and present the boss with yet. Cause you know how that turned out last time. You are going to get your ass kicked just like Lucifer and the others. They'll come up with some new definition for you. Some new punishment. Or maybe you will just waste away, until your grace fades to nothing but black inky shadow. That's how it happens, isn't it? For your kind. God stops talking to you, and all that you are, withers."

"You know nothing of my kind." Uriel said. "Or of the war. You know only what God wants you to know. You can't see the forest for the trees. I have destroyed cities for less than what you are doing. Putting the future of this world in the hands of your brother and yourself is incomprehensible. And obviously a scrambled message. This isn't about taking over Heaven, I have no ambition for that. I just plan to cleanse the world of the unworthy. Scum like yourself."

"You want to cleanse the world of humanity." Sam countered. "I'm not accusing you of taking over heaven. I am accusing you of disobedience." He said, locking gazes with the archangel. If it was his time to go, he was going to go out like a Winchester. And that meant pushing buttons and spitting in their eye until you couldn't draw breath. It did not mean cowering or for that matter, going out with grace and dignity. "And we both know that for your kind, even the slightest disobedience is treason. You were never given free will. You were created to obey and to worship. He was lonely and wanted kinship, that's why men were made. You were made to obey. Not even the same sort of comfort as a good watch dog. Just... tools. " He laughed a little. "In your case that word has many meanings."

"You were an experiment." Uriel said. "Where's Lilith? Do not forget that right now, I can make your brother's surgery go horribly wrong. Where is the vessel?"

Sam would sacrifice himself for his brother, and almost any other single human being. But he would never allow her to be released. "Why do you want her?" He asked. No he would never let her be found. His brother would never forgive him. She would get loose and go for him again. "She part of your plan? This apocalypse is early. If it wasn't, God wouldn't want it stopped. Did you make a pact with her to help your attempt to get rid of humanity? You did, didn't you?" He said with a faint smile. "You made a deal with Lilith. "

"Your theories are of no interest to me." Uriel said, in a bored tone. "It's time to go. Come quietly, or there might be....collateral damage."

Sam glared at him. "You would really risk all of heaven coming after you, for killing Dean, just to get me off somewhere quiet to kill me, huh? I'm not arguing. Just do it here and get it over with. Leave him with that much closure." Not to mention allow his body a chance to be dealt with properly this time.

"If I wanted you simply dead, I would have done that already." Uriel said. And he smiled, it was not a pleasant smile. "No, I far more than death planned for you. Let's go."

Sam glared at him. But he went willingly. He wouldn't leave Dean to his so called mercy. He hoped that Laura and Pamela could protect him until he healed enough to protect himself. Dean lasted 30 years in hell before breaking. Sam figured he could at least outlast Uriel's patience and keep Lilith's location secret. He wouldn't allow her to be loosed again.

*****

Pamela didn't have eyes anymore. But she still had her tear ducts. And they were working quiet well as she sat in that hospital waiting room with Laura. "Sam's gone." She said finally. "And I don't know if Sam will return." She had a feeling he'd live. He just might not be Sam anymore.

Laura closed an arm around Pamela's shoulders and leaned in close shedding her own tears. "We don't tell Dean that. Not until he has recovered... if we do, we lose them both. Sam finally listened and left. That's all." She hated it, but she knew that he would get up out of his bed and go after him. He couldn't take an archangel on a good day. No human being alive could. In his current condition, it would kill him.

"Figured out those boys, huh?" Pamela said with a hint of a grin. "Guess it's telling that you only needed half of the team to figure it out. You're right, we can't tell Dean. And hope that they keep him medicated long enough that we can fool him."

"How long have you known them?" She asked, looking for any source of conversation other than what might be happening to Sam in that moment. It was hard to think of that and what Dean was going through in the Operating Room. "I'm really new to all of this."

Pamela smiled and wiped her face. "A couple of months. They came to see me to find out who dragged Dean out of hell." She said. "I got them the name, and Dean summoned him later. Luckily he got to keep his eyes, he's got really nice....eyes." She said with a grin.

"Yes he does." She said. "He saved my life... and I have been with him ever since." She had been told about Pamela to some extent. She knew better than to mention angels. It stood to reason. Something hurts you without you doing anything wrong, you will dislike them. Like getting bitten by a dog.

"Dean's been through a lot. Including death. Taking his spleen out? That should be an outpatient procedure to him." Pamela said. "He'll be up bitching and complaining in no time. Promise. He'll ask about Sam. We deflect. Then he'll ask about his car. Hope it wasn't damaged in the quake."

"We left it at the hotel and walked to the diner. I needed to be out of the car for a while. It's a single story hotel. I think the car will be fine. He couldn't take losing his car and his brother on the same day." Losing Sam again was going to be bad enough. She didn't know how she was going to get him through that.

"Well, we can't not tell him that Sam's gone. No matter how medicated he is, he'll notice that Sam's not here." Pamela said. "So...we tell him Sam took his advice. And for protection left for a bit. We leave out the part about everything else. Wish we had an update by now."

"He left for Dean's protection, so it isn't exactly lying." She said. "Besides there's a big bad out there that needed dealing with. But I think it was taken care of by someone else." She fingered the chaplet in her pocket and stared at the doors, waiting for the doctor to come through them. It hadn't been anywhere near long enough, but to her it had felt like an eternity had passed.

"They said a couple hours, remember?" Pamela said as the lights flickered and the hospital shook.

Laura gasped and closed her eyes muttering a quick prayer. "I know... It feels like it's been ... I don't know how long it feels, but it seems much longer than two hours." She said her voice trembling again. Michael had told her that it would be alright, but his definition and her definition might not be the same thing. That was what worried her. Right now it didn't look like anything was going to be alright and she didn't know which way was up. She had faith but she wasn't naive. She knew that sometimes God and His angels said no. And maybe if Sam were gone they might consider it better that Dean be gone as well. She was beginning to entertain the idea that earth was nothing more than a battle field and there was no intervention from God anymore. Merely angels that wanted the boys dead as much as the demons. Tears began to fall again, and this time she couldn't shake them off.

Pamela gripped the arms of her chair as the aftershocks came and exhaled. "Okay, so we just wait." She said as she called Bobby. Now that Sam was out of the picture, her calls were going through. "Bobby? I'm in San Antonio."

"Are you alright? The quake is all over the news." He said, the worry evident in his voice. "Is Sam with you? I know he said he was going to pick you up. You aren't alone out there are you?"

"I was with Sam." Pamela said. "It's complicated, Dean was in San Antonio too. Remember when you said that Dean was having a good stretch at staying out of the hospital? Well, you jinxed him."

"How bad is it?" He asked. "And what do you mean was... is Sam not there now?" He couldn't imagine Sam, under any circumstances, willingly leaving Dean while he was in the hospital. It wasn't like him at all. Which only left unwilling.

"He coded. He's in surgery right now, and no news is good news, right?" Pamela said, and told Bobby her suspicions, and what Dean had said about it all being a trap.

Bobby swore. "I'm on my way." He said. "I'll look after Dean when I get there and sit on him to keep him in bed if I have to. But we need you to try and sort out where they've taken Sam. Don't know how we'll get that boy out of this, but we'll sort that out when we know where they have him."

"All right." Pamela said and gave Bobby the name of the hospital they were at. "Bobby's on his way. He's good at making Winchesters do things. Well, better than most anyway."

Laura nodded. "I know. I like Bobby. Dean practically worships the ground he walks on." She smiled a little, in spite of the tears and told Pamela about her first meeting with Bobby. "Dean was beside himself. He thought Castiel had said don't do it and here was Bobby trying to tell him to go for it, without letting on to me that he was telling him to go for it. "

"I'm surprised the kid needed encouragement." Pamela said with a laugh. "He's a good guy underneath the wisecracks. And his brother's a good guy underneath the angst. Not exactly fair what the world's put on either of them."

"I know... and that's why I think he needed the encouragement. I'm not exactly his type. " She said, still seeing herself very much in the image created by her family. She wasn't bothered by the image but she did think that colored her undefined relationship with Dean. He hadn't said anything when she had slipped up and referred to herself as his girlfriend. But there had been a look of surprise on his face, so she had never referred to herself that way again. At least he hadn't decided that they needed to talk or to go back to getting double rooms. "Dean doesn't see it though. He thinks he is some kind of monster."  
"For all his swagger, and trust me, that boy can swagger, he's got a horrible self image." Pamela said with a shake of her head. "And what do you mean you're not his type? Because you don't dress like me? You don't see me and Dean hooking up, do you?"

"The whole concept of a relationship gives him that deer in the head lights look. I mean I slipped up once." She said and told Pamela about the situation. "He was... definitely uncomfortable. Me... I'm still more naive than I want to admit. I figured with how things were... I mean... it wasn't just the once. Anyway. I've kept my mouth shut since then besides, he doesn't need the stress. He has enough already. He agrees with you about angels and here I am, Catholic school girl of the year and my patron saint is an archangel. Sometimes I think he is just lonely and wants someone there to connect to, and if Sam were ever able to stick with him again, I would find myself dropped off at Bobby's or someone else's place to figure out this so called real world. Sometimes I think I see something there in those eyes. But I don't know. "

"Keep looking." Pamela said. "See how he lives? That's how he was raised. There are very few people he hasn't had to lie to. Same with Sam. They were each other's constants. And from what I gathered, Dean practically raised Sam." And Dean was only four years older than Sam. "I think he just doesn't like labels. He's been labeled everything else. Believe me, that boy has some labels in his past." Murderer, fugitive, dead. "You've seen what few other people have, and that's his world. He let you in, and you stayed. And he let you stay. And I'd take him dodging the hotel clerk as a good thing. Either lie and say you were married, possibly making you uncomfortable. Or admit you're not and have the hotel clerk give you a look, making you uncomfortable. He's a Kansas boy at heart, Laura. He wouldn't do that to you."

She smiled a little. "I hope you're right.." Laura looked nervously toward the doors once more. "I don't mind his world... It can be scary, but I don't mind. Everything in my life before was a lie. I would rather live as he does knowing it's the truth. Ironic, considering how many lies are told in his way of life, isn't it?"

"Sometimes I think he forgets what the truth sounds like." Pamela said. "There's something about you, Laura. I almost want to pack you in a box and send you to a convent school or something. Lots of packing peanuts, promise. Would be a shame if you got crushed in this life. These boys got some mean things after them, but you know that."

"As long as he lets me stay, I'm not going anywhere. Even if he doesn't want to let me stay ... I'm going to do my best not to leave, even then." Laura said. "I know what's going on. I know that both heaven and hell are against them. But it's only factions of both. There are factions that are for them as well. I still have faith. In God, in my patron and especially in Dean. That's enough to keep me going. Besides...if I went to a convent and told them I was seeing and hearing angels, and that the apocalypse was on the horizon, they would either call me insane or a saint and I'm neither."

"You're putting up with a Winchester." Pamela said with a laugh. "That automatically qualifies you for sainthood."  
Laura laughed then. "Oh I don't know... Dean is easy to put up with. The only hard part is wishing he could see himself through my eyes." She spoke easily with Pamela as they waited for the doctor to come through the door. Time passing slower than she had ever imagined possible. Every time the doors to the surgical waiting room opened, her eyes were there, hopeful, fearful. By the time Dean's doctor appeared, she had begun to fear the worst. Two hours had turned into three and her mind and body were weary from crying.

She rose to her feet to greet the doctor, looking at him expectantly, but unable to ask the question that she was screaming in her head.

The doctor took off his scrub cap and tiredly ran a hand through it, his surgical mask still hanging around his neck. He was tired, and the aftershocks in the OR hadn't helped matters. The patient had been touch and go. "He made it through the surgery. We removed his spleen. We set his leg while he was out, and casted it." He said, putting a comforting hand on the young woman's shoulder. She'd so very nearly been made a widow, and she still could be. "He's still on the vent. We're stabilizing his blood pressure, and we have to watch his skull fracture. He's in recovery, when he's moved to a room you can see him."

The tears started fresh, with renewed vigor. She had cried so many, she should be dehydrated by now, she was sure. "Thank you." She said. "Thank you so much. Do... do you have a chapel here?" She asked. It wasn't just the doctor that needed to be thanked. Now that she could think clearly, it was time to give that thanks.

"First floor, by the gift shop." The doctor said as he went off in search of coffee and a nap.

"I'll stick around here, let you know when they move him into a real room and stuff." Pamela said.

"Thank you." She said and paused after only a few steps. "Be careful." She admonished. "Don't go anywhere that you are alone... please." Laura had a feeling that Sam wouldn't give up the ghost easily. Or whatever it was Uriel wanted from him. And Uriel scared her.

She entered the chapel and found a place to kneel down for prayer.

"Amazing. Parishes and dioceses spend millions to make the perfect church, and the most heart felt devout prayers are never delivered there." A man sitting a few pews back said. "Places like this, they are. Or roadsides. I bet He hears a lot of them on the roadside. Foxholes too."

"I have heard that there are no atheists in foxholes." Laura said, not sure who she was talking to. She could see that he was an angel. The glow that filled the room was proof of that. "It's strange... Uriel is diminished... and so are you... but you seem... different. Why is that?" She asked.

"Because Uriel is on his way down. He's chosen to go off the path. All I did was love the wrong woman." Samael said with a sigh. "Which your lover's brother has effectively removed from the world. As much as I love her, it was for the best. But she wasn't the worst. The worst is still out there, and Dean's guardian angel is off the grid. And he....Dean's not at his best right now."

"I know." She said and leaned back into her seat. "I can keep him save from demons, but how do you stop an angel?" She asked, then frowned. "What do you mean Castiel is off the grid? Was he killed in the war?"

"He's not dead, and the war isn't over. I just can't locate him." Samael said. "There are ways to be untraceable to angels, just as there are ways to avoid detection from demons." He paused and moved to sit beside her. "Time isn't linear for us. We can see possible futures as clearly as we can see the present. Dean has to survive and be in fighting form for what's ahead of him. You know Uriel has Sam. Just Uriel having Sam will be enough to break Dean."

"I know.. we were trying to come up with ways not to tell him... but I don't know that he would believe us. Show me how to keep Uriel away from Dean. If he can't find him, he can't get to him. If Sam doesn't give Uriel what he wants, it would make sense that he would come to get Sam's one weakness."

Samael dropped a bag in her lap. "For now, this will keep Dean hidden from all angels." Samael said. "Hopefully he won't need it for long. But angels by definition are in God's grace, they're granted a touch of his omniscience."

"Even the ones that are trying to undo his plan..." that frightened her. "As long as it keeps him safe long enough to heal." She told him. "Thank you. Does this mean I should... be away from him or not pray... or...Do I endanger him?" She asked.

"You save him." Samael said gently. "And definitely pray. It's already paid off, hasn't it? You found him in the rubble. He could have died. He didn't. Your road isn't easy either."

"I don't mind." She said honestly. "I wouldn't want to be on any other road. Especially not the one that I had been set on in the first place." Laura tried for a faint smile. "Most days, I don't feel like I save him. Most days, it feels like he is the one saving me. " She told Samael. "Why is Uriel intent on making this harder for Dean... why does he want to destroy Sam not just physically either... I can tell... he wants to break him first. " Although if Sam were anything like Dean, that would be easier said than done.

"Just because some of the angels didn't rebel with Lucifer doesn't mean that they didn't harbor resentment." Samael said. "Dean, at the end of the day, is the one in charge. He's the field commander for a holy host. Not an archangel. There is...bitterness toward that."

"Michael helped me find him today. If he of all the host has no desire to harm the brothers, why ...." she shook her head and sighed. "And I might as well ask how people can raise a child from infancy with the intent of slaying her and expect an answer. Darkness doesn't make sense to those that turn their backs on it."

"Keep your back turned." Samael said. "The light's a nice place to be. Just keep Dean centered. Everything works out as it's supposed to in the end."

"I have faith that it will. I have faith in Dean. Even if he doesn't."

*****

Sam was in pain. He had been ever since leaving the hospital with Uriel and his band of rogues. This wasn't the sort of pain that you could ignore. Adrenaline and endorphins didn't kick in and dull the pain. Fear didn't numb the brain. His entire body screamed out in pain but he could not. It hurt too much. He couldn't draw enough breath. But he had told them nothing. He would never tell them. Dean would never forgive him if he broke, and that was more important than any momentary reprieve from the pain. Besides. Hell awaited at the end of his ordeal. It would never stop no matter what he did. So he welcomed the silence.

Castiel looked on from his corner. He'd failed both his charges. So far they'd been gentle with Sam. Although gentle was a relative term when it came to archangels gone rogue. And from his corner, his unseen wings broken, hurt in places only an angel could hurt, he could offer no comfort or strength. He wasn't sure he had any to give, even if he wasn't wrapped in silence.

Hatred welled inside Sam. Not the rage most people mistook for hatred. But the genuine loathing that drove men to desperate, twisted acts. If he could have in that moment, he would have flayed the flesh from Uriel's hosts bones, he would have forced him to relive every second Dean had spent in hell a thousand times over. He turned his gaze to Castiel, the angel's eyes seem to reach out to him, but it wasn't enough to chase away the darkness that was growing within him.

Uriel's voice boomed in his head, in contrast to the silence. Each time threatening, each time forcing images into his mind over what he would do to Dean once he was done with Sam, if Sam didn't give in soon enough to suit him. "Go to hell." He thought back, Dean didn't know (so far as Sam knew) and he knew it was an empty threat. He wouldn't risk turning on Dean in a direct way. He couldn't. Crossing God had its limits after all. Playing with a damned soul...an abomination who was working with demons (never mind they were fighting on the same side) was one thing. Taking on the leader of God's Heavenly Army was quite another matter, and Sam knew it. "Don't you know it's bad form to hit on your brother's girl?" He thought.

Uriel gave him a twisted smile, and twisted something deep inside Sam. Letting the brightness fill the rom even more as he pummeled him with images over and over again. Of what Dean would have to go through. Of what Ruby was currently going through. Over and over. He had no need of sleep. He had no need for rest.

The long minutes drug into hours which drug into days. The images overrode everything else. Even the physical pain went to the wayside for the mental anguish and guilt. But Uriel had forgotten that Sam was a Winchester. His father had spent 120 years in hell, only to walk out of his own accord, and fade away into heaven's light. Dean had lasted 40 years. He might have fallen, but he had come out of hell the same old Dean. No. Sam, like all Winchesters, was made of tempered steel like the weapons that shared their name. He stopped railing at his tormentor. Stopped trying to speak, trying to fight. He let it wash over him. Let it wash through him. He was getting a taste of hell. But he was determined to hold his ground.

*****

Dean had finally succeeded in cutting his cast off. It had taken a couple of days, but he could only do it with a butter knife he'd swiped from his tray and when Laura wasn't around. So he had to wait until she went to the bathroom, or went to shower. The cast was useless. He knew his leg was broken. But it was healing. He'd just be careful until the last possible moment, and in that last possible moment he couldn't be burdened by a cast.

He didn't see why everyone was so shocked. He'd extubated himself. After getting out of the restraints they'd tied him in so he wouldn't do that (thank you Bobby for giving the heads up about that, he thought to himself, shaking his head.

No one would answer straight on Sam. And that worried him more than any answer they might have given him. So he smirked at the nurse, and Laura, when they came back into the room and he was carefully tying his boots, the bulky plaster cast on the floor.

"Dean, no... you aren't ready to leave the hospital yet!" She told him, worry and even a hint of fear in her eyes. She just knew if he went out there too soon he was going to do something stupid, and wind up getting himself killed or worse. Wow... only in her life with Dean had she ever really considered the phrase killed or worse... but Dean was living proof that there were far worse things than death. Usually it came after death, or just before the actual moment of death. Dean had a lot of experience with both, yet still didn't take them seriously, and that was what scared her.

"It itched." He said with a shrug. "The food sucks, and if one more person wakes me up to ask me how I'm sleeping, I'm seriously going postal. I'm out of here. You can either convince the nice nurse to give me a pair of crutches, or I'm walking out." It wasn't the last possible moment. So he'd bend and use crutches. Not like he hadn't used them before anyway. Sure, the last time he was on crutches, his father died. He'd still used them. And he recycled too, using them for his father's funeral pyre after.

Laura fidgeted for a moment. "Could you please go and get him a pair of crutches?" She asked and waited for her to go. "Okay... do you have your mojo bag?" She asked as she started gathering up things he hadn't been able to get to yet. "On you, I mean." She wasn't happy. Not in the slightest. Her body language was tense, her jaw was set and there was fire in those eyes of hers, but she was giving in anyway. Because she knew she couldn't stop him. a week ago she could have, a small child with one hand behind their back could have stopped him then, and so she had been able to keep him in bed until now.

"In my pocket. Why? You want to check?" He asked with a wicked grin as he brought out his collection from under his pillow. He wasn't stupid. He figured he'd need them later. Pain killers galore. In all sorts of colors! All kept stealthily under his pillow instead of in his body. Pain had a whole new meaning to Dean after hell. His tolerance for it was sky high. "Oh hey, and some of that cream too." The one they'd given him to rub on his chest as soon as he was well enough to do it on his own, from where he'd been burned from the defibrillator. They'd had to use it once or twice on him (okay, four times, but who was really counting?)

"Cream?" She asked. "Oh that... the stuff they put on you because you died. You know... that whole heart stopped beating thing... yeah that cream." She said sharply as she stuffed it into the duffel bag. "Anything else I should pack? Have any more of the breathing medication? Oh hey, maybe we should take the nebulizer along... you know... to keep giving you these treatments that keep you breathing. Let's do that, shall we?" She glared at him for a second, then continued packing tucking in medications. Little vials of albuterol and mucomyst and then the machine to administer the treatments. "Oh... can't forget the mask. Whole damned thing is useless without the mask."

"Laura...." He said as his jaw twitched. But the nurse came into the room with the crutches.

"You can't take the defibrillator." She said brusquely, seeing what Laura was doing. "I'll go get the paperwork." Patients had rights, after all, she thought as she left the room again.

"I'm fine." He said. "I've walked out of hospitals in much worse shape."

"Oh...well then... that makes it just fine then, doesn't it? You've also died before, but let's try not to repeat that one, shall we? Oh wait...you have. Several times... Right here." She said in uncharacteristic sarcasm, batting at her eyes because she was too angry to cry but, damn it, the tears were coming anyway. He wasn't ready to face the war again. He wasn't physically ready. He would get himself killed. Probably wanted to, now that he had most likely figured out what had happened to his brother. Finding Sam in hell was probably better in his mind than living without him. She wasn't jealous but she really wondered what it would be like to have someone care like that. Second thought told her it was the last thing she wanted. It was the last thing anyone should want. Not if you cared in return. "So where are we off to today? Have any new leads? Any pressing job to take us out of the hospital and all its.. I don't know...things to keep people alive that are intent on not keeping themselves alive?"

His jaw tightened even more and he barely managed not to glare at her. "I'm not talking about it here. Someone could overhear, and then I would be discharged. Medically anyway, and end up in a psych ward." He said as he got a bag over his shoulder and behind his back and grabbed the crutches. He quickly signed the forms the nurse gave him and waved off any other warning or explanation. "Thanks." He said and looked at Laura. "Coming?"

"You know I am." She said as she took the bag off of his shoulder before he could get the crutches completely in place. Then she followed closely behind and to the left, keeping an eye on him, waiting for any sign that he was going to falter, that he needed help. She was supposed to protect him until he was well, supposed to hold him together some how and he seemed determined to hurt himself.  
Dean was silent until he got out of the hospital. He was silent as he got into the car. He was silent until he was a good mile away from that wretched place before he turned the radio off.

"I'm not stupid. Nor was I as drugged as you guys would have liked me to be. I know Sam's gone. I don't know if I can get him back. And it's different this time, because he's completely gone to ground, and not by choice. It was Uriel. At least before, Sam was fighting off seals too. But now? That leaves me. Just me. Just me against a demonic army, and now a faction of pissy angels." Dean said quietly. "I'm not suicidal, I'm not a masochist. I'm not stubbornly stupid. Well, not too much anyway. But I don't have time....the world doesn't have time....for me to sit on my ass and wait until I'm better. This isn't going to stop just because I'm banged up. It's not going to stop because I need a time out. My wants, my needs, my feelings, they don't matter in this. I know that. I have an army to lead, and most of them don't want to follow me. It's bad enough I was a human who went to hell. I can't be the weak human who went to hell."

"You are going to kill yourself." She said calmly. Even though she felt anything but calm. "But fine. I can't stop you. You have proven that. But you aren't going to stop doing what it takes to get better because if you do, they win. You can't fight this war and your own body. So like it or not, we are going to continue with the treatments until the breathing is better. You are going to continue taking the antibiotics until you are better." She gave him a look. "Genuinely better. Not just 'I had it worse in hell, I'm fine' better. I know one day I am going to lose you to this war. I know that. Not okay with it, no one is ever okay with losing someone like that. I can deal, and that will have to be good enough. But I'm not going to lose you because you decide that you have to be Superman when you are really more of a Frank Castle." She told him, giving him a look that said a great deal more than she had the nerve to say out loud, no matter what Pamela and Samael told her.

"Frank Castle never once let a silly thing like a broken leg stop him from his job, however self appointed it was." Dean pointed out. "And hell wasn't this bad. I knew I was down there, and no one else was. If I fail? It comes to all of us. You're not going to lose me, not yet. I'm still here. I survived everything that was thrown at me these past few weeks. I've got angels, well, some of them anyway, on my side, and you to make sure I'm not a total bone head." He said with a grin. "Look at it anyway you want, heaven answered prayers, or just plain blind luck, whatever it is, for the meantime it's on my side. I will do the treatments, I'll take the stupid meds, and I'll even take some pain killers now and again." He promised. "And with everything going as badly as it is, you have no idea how much I want to drive to South Dakota and lock you in Bobby's totally awesome panic room." Not drop her off in the next town, but get her somewhere complete safe.

"You are not getting rid of me that easily." She said firmly, but the look in her eyes held some degree of doubt. Did he really want to send her away? Was it because he was worried for her, or worried that she was getting to close? She took a deep breath. Didn't matter. She was supposed to take care of him and that was what she was going to do. "So where are we going?"

Dean chuckled. "Hadn't planned that far. I planned as far as the parking lot. Figured motel. Real shower. Real food." He said. Pamela had gone back to look for Sam, he was sure. Bobby had his own stuff to work on. "And teach you to drive this beast. She's special, she has to be driven special."

Her smile brightened, and she relaxed into the seat. "Okay." She said, knowing that this was his most prized possession, his home, his security blanket all in one. "Tell me about her." She asked as she adjusted to watch him as he drove. This was a huge step for him. He had told her on the first day that his own brother had waited years before being allowed to drive his car. This wasn't just an olive branch, this was something more.

Dean happily explained all the intricacies involved in driving the Impala. Which, if you asked Dean, were many and varied.

****

Castiel had focused. And eventually it had paid off. He was able to break his own silence and reached out to Sam.

"You may not trust me." He said in Sam's head, his eyes imploring. "But you need to follow my lead." He hoped there was enough of Sam to salvage. "I will need your help."

"What part did you have in setting the trap?" He asked in equal silence. It wouldn't be long before Uriel returned he knew, and that wouldn't give them long to sort things out. But before he did anything to help this so called guardian angel, he wanted to know whether or not he was involved in the trap that had nearly killed his brother.

"I was going to Texas to stop it. I'd heard....rumors. Uriel found out I heard rumors, and dragged me here." The damage done to him spoke for itself. "But I originally sent Dean to Texas. He was supposed to grab you before Uriel found you."

Sam nodded, even that simple movement hurt. He was surprised he was still alive. It didn't seem possible. But he was. "Fine... we'll get out of this together. " Sam said. "He's coming. Shhh." He could sense Uriel. He suspected it was intentional on Uriel's part, an attempt to fill him with dread. It made him tired.

Uriel looked at them and shook his head. "Still so stubborn." He said. "But I am the fire of God."

"You are nothing of God. Not anymore." Castiel snapped. And Uriel lashed out and him, and Sam, with what was left of his holy fire. Burning everything in sight. It wouldn't kill Castiel, but it just might Sam.

Sam writhed, this time no amount of imposed silence could quiet his screams. The fire swirled around him and he could feel it searing into his flesh. His heart, lungs, eyes were all blazed with preternatural fire. He got to his feet for the first time in weeks, propping himself on the cold walls of their prison. He took a stumbling step forward and fell to the floor on his knees. His cries of pain turned to howls of rage and the flames dwindled to nothing, leaving Sam panting, gasping for breath, but physically unharmed. He opened his eyes and looked up at Uriel. His eyes were an all too familiar shade of yellow, and he smiled sardonically. "You really shouldn't have done that."

"You fool!" Castiel said, looking at Sam in horror. He'd failed. Totally failed. And he had no idea if Dean was even alive. "The seal is broken." And he had no idea how many he'd missed in his captivity.

Uriel was stunned beyond words. This shouldn't have happened. He was the righteous fire of God Himself!

"Not so righteous." Castiel said, groaning as he, too, slowly stood up. He'd never felt such pain. He'd never been human, he had nothing to compare it to. "Sam...." trying to reach out to the man he'd watched over since he was a small baby, "we have to go now." They could use Uriel's shock as cover.

Sam turned yellow eyes on Castiel. Hatred and pain filling those eyes, but it faded quickly looking on the guardian angel. He moved toward Castiel as quickly as he could, taking the angel's hand and pulling him in closer so that he could lean on Sam's larger form for support. "Which way out of here?" He asked. He wasn't going to leave him behind. He wasn't part of it, Castiel was as much of a victim as Sam in this.

"Left." Castiel said, leaning on Sam more than he would have liked. "We go left." How appropriate was that? He refused to think that. He had people to report this to. Uriel was as good as fallen at this point.

"If my brother is still alive you have to keep him safe." Sam said as they went left. "Leave Uriel to me. He's mine." There was a dangerous tone to his voice. Not anger, not menace. But something dark and rumbling beneath the surface. He didn't know how they were going to get to safety before Uriel got over his crisis of faith and turned to come for them. But they would cross that bridge when they came to it.

Castiel nearly cried with joy, but realized Sam wouldn't understand it. If his brother was alive. The man cared about his brother's safety if he was alive. Hope was such a rare and precious gift, he didn't want that bubble burst. "Uriel may not be yours. This is not God's plan." He said, meaning the abductions and tortures.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't give a rat's ass about whose plan it was or wasn't." He hurt too much, inside and out. "It's not yours, it was Uriel's. Beyond that, I don't think I can focus on yet." He said honestly. "Don't get any ideas that this means we're friends, or that I ever want to see you again." He told him. "It doesn't change anything. I have a job to do. Once you get dropped off I'm going to get back to it. Right now, I trust the demons more than angels. At least when they come at me, I can see the knife."

So many ways to take that. He had a job to do. What kind of job? Whose job? What was the goal? His thoughts were swimming in his head, and he wasn't sure how much of that he could blame on the injuries. "Just get me to your brother." It was a fair exchange. He'd lead Sam out of here, and Sam would arrange for him to take his post again. Mutually beneficial. Both aspects, really.

Sam didn't know how long they had wandered in the maze of corridors. If it weren't for the fact that the icy white glow was diminishing to something vaguely resembling incandescent light, he would have thought they were going in circles. "You tell him about Uriel... not just that he had me but that they have an entire faction that is willing to put hell on earth to get rid of humanity."

"I'm sure he knows in his heart of hearts about you." Castiel said tiredly. "But what good would the rest of it do? Telling Dean that? At the end of this all, he's going to leading a host across the battlefield. He doesn't need to wonder if any of them will betray him. It would be detrimental, your brother is not a man of great faith....I can't take away what little he has."

"And if you don't you leave him open to any son of a bitch who has escaped the radar of your so called omniscient god. I mean what the hell? How do you hide that? It's not like he wasn't making it obvious from day one." Sam said, almost sounding like himself, except for the loathing in his voice when it came to Uriel. He sighed. "Look... there are demons that don't want hell on earth. Yeah it's because they like the vacation spot more than any real good intent but how messed up does it have to be when Angels are pushing the apocalypse and the Demons are wanting it held back, and not because they think they are going to lose?"

"It's all happening ahead of schedule." Castiel said, the light continuing to soften. It wasn't getting darker, just softer. More bearable. Warmer. "I wish I were higher in the hierarchy, I would know more. I could see more. Maybe I could have stopped this." But he had one mission, and that was to guide the Winchester brothers to adulthood. He'd done that. He continued to guide them as best he could since.

"I doubt those higher up know anything more unless they too are keeping secrets so that we'll fall on our faces." Sam said as they started walking upward. The floor slowly turned to stone, and the walls became that of a cavern, leading upward - toward sunlight and fresh air. Normal sounds drifted in at them as they continued to walk. "And that we includes you, and anyone else that is fighting this war. How do you know who you can trust? You don't even know if you can make it back to tell the others of Uriel's fall."

"I promised your brother an army." Castiel said. "He knows he needs one and he demanded I make sure he has one. I don't care if I have to bribe them with my pinion feathers....when they grow back.....your brother will have an army at his back."

As they stood in the morning light, Sam studied the broken angel. "You do that. Make sure he has what he needs. I'll do what I can on my end. Azazel promised an army to me... or rather me to his army. With any luck we can use and old fashioned pincer maneuver when the time comes. Nice thought any way. Doubt it will happen. My army will see his army and we would just be standing there alone as usual against everything. "

"I was just tortured by my brother for your brother." Castiel pointed out. Quite starkly too. "When the time comes, there will be help. Even if it's just me."  
"Yeah well, your brother is an ass. Mine is a hero." Sam said pointedly. "And look... here comes our ride." He said as he spotted the dust storm rolling across the plains. This was going to be interesting to explain, but he hoped Pazuzu would be willing to help. Castiel had to get to Dean first and make sure he was alright.

Castiel stiffened and Pazuzu just looked at the angel flatly. Then he turned to Sam.

"A lot of people looking for you." The pagan god said, taking note of the changes. "Maybe now I can see what all the fuss has been about."

"Do you know where my brother is?" He asked the god. "I've got to get Castiel back to him. Seems Uriel broke his wings for him to keep that from happening. Right now, second only to stopping Lucifer, anything that annoys Uriel is high priority. Think we can arrange something?" He asked, shaking off the last vestiges of his time in Uriel's version of hell. The flames had done more than change his eyes. He could feel that. There was an almost buoyant feeling now that he had full access to the powers Azazel had given him. It was heady, leaving him a little punch drunk, and he hoped the sensation would pass.

"Batter up." Pazuzu said with a rumbling chuckle. "I know where the other Winchester is." He wasn't sure they could be called brothers, not any more. "He's resting."

"Resting?" Castiel said, fighting off panic.

"Resting. Sleeping. Humans do that. Especially after sex." Pazuzu said. "A friend of yours has been keeping another friend up to date as best she could." Pamela to Bobby. "I overheard some of it when I also heard she finally located you."

"What's his location?" Sam asked, figuring that Castiel couldn't find him, which meant that he was using anti-angel mojo. Normally he wouldn't interfere with that, but he figured Dean needed Castiel and the angel had earned a little reassurance. "This one we can trust with Dean's safety." Sam said, specifying that it wasn't his own that he entrusted the angel with. Not so much as a dig at Castiel but a reassurance to Pazuzu that he hadn't lost his common sense during his captivity.

"South Carolina, by Myrtle Beach." Pazuzu said.

"I need to get there." Castiel said. And right now, he was bound by his host until he healed. But he needed to see Dean for himself.

"Can you take him there?" Sam asked the pagan god. "I know... it's a lot to ask, but it would ease my mind and I could get back to work. How much time have I lost here anyway?"

"Nearly a month and a half." Pazuzu said. "Hasn't stopped others from trying to pick up where you left off. You might have to a little trimming of your hedges." He looked the angel over, he obviously wouldn't make it on his own. "I'll take you to where he is." He finally agreed. He didn't want the world to end after all.

"Thank you." Sam said, and looked at Castiel. "I'm still on the same side I have always been. I may not be exactly human anymore but I'm not evil. Not everything crawling up from hell is evil either, just keep that in mind." He looked back at Pazuzu. "What do you mean I have to trim my hedges... they didn't recruit morons, did they?" He had this image of having to prove himself all over again by sending putzes to hell. Hmm... would probably be easier now, and it had always felt so good to do it.

"Morons are everywhere. Humans, demons, angels, it's a world wide phenomenon." Pazuzu said.

"Be careful, Sam." Castiel said. Evil or not, his soul was hanging on by a precarious thread.

"I'm always careful. But careful doesn't always work." He pointed out. "Let's get this dog and pony show on the road." Sam said, he would ask about his own people later. Didn't need the winged freaks knowing where they were. Besides, Castiel looked as though he was about ready to pass out. He was in bad shape, that one.

Pazuzu merely nodded as a swift wind deposited Castiel (not all that gently) right outside the cottage on the beach that Dean was staying in.

Having just eliminated another seal, Dean was resting. On orders of course. Not asleep, just not...active. Instead he was pouring over the book Bobby had given him. That Sam had given Bobby. Looking for signs of the next one, when he heard the thump against the door.

Brow furrowed, he grabbed his gun and opened the door, keeping as much weight as he could off his bad leg.

Laura got to her feet and picked up a gun as well. Then frowned. 'Angel,' she mouthed to Dean, looking him over to make sure he had his mojo bag on him. She indicated under the door where she could see Castiel's grace, then rolled her eyes. Dean couldn't see it. She never could remember that.

Dean sighed. "Well, I guess this thing doesn't work then." He said, shaking his head as he opened the door. "What?" He said.

Castiel very nearly fell into the room, catching himself on the door frame, looking up at Dean. Tired, relieved, and very nearly on the verge of tears. There was still hope.

"Your wings." Laura breathed. "Oh god, your wings, who did this to you?" She asked as she rushed forward to help the angel upright, very careful of the wings that no one else could see. "What can I do?" She asked.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked. "This is the same winged freak that sent me to Texas in the first place! You know, the place where I nearly died like five times?" Yes, he could hold a grudge with the best of them.

"Yes... but that doesn't mean we weren't supposed to be there in the first place. He isn't diminished, Dean... he still has his full portion of grace. Uriel is diminishing. Not Castiel."

"I was told you needed to be in Texas... it wasn't until later that I learned what seal you were to protect. That seal was Sam... Uriel intercepted me on my way there."

"I was a trap! I was a fucking walking, talking, breathing trap so your buddy could get his hands on my brother." Dean said. "Is he alive? Where's Sam? Did you leave him back there you son of a bitch?"

"Sam and I made our way out." Castiel said, slowly and painfully sitting in a chair. "Uriel broke my wings and tortured your brother. He has his supporters. Sam has his supporters."

"Tortured?" Dean said. "I'm gonna rip his lungs out. I swear to God I am!"

"Dean...let's hear him out." Laura said. "I can see his wings, they are in bad shape. Really bad." She said. "He's telling the truth."

"You weren't intended to be a trap. You were meant to get to Sam before Uriel... to reconnect. Sam is... alive. But he was transformed. What ever process Azazel started has come to fruition. But there is still hope for him, Dean. There is still hope. The first thought in his mind once we were free, was that I get to you. That I make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine." Dean said, trying not to snap. "Except for the whole transformation part, that I'm not fine with." And it was his fault. Uriel wouldn't have been able to trap Sam if Sam hadn't come to Dean. "Where is he now?"

"I don't know. He and Pazuzu made certain I didn't know where they were." He said. "When you see him again... and you will, have faith in that, you will see your brother again...the eyes are different. He has Azazel's eyes, but not his soul."

"Pazuzu? My brother is messing around with Pazuzu?" Dean said and groaned. "Well, that's just great. I don't care if his eyes are pink and he's wearing a dress, he's still my brother. Oh and that list you said didn't exist? I've got it."

"What?" Castiel said, genuinely surprised, and starting to get out of the chair.

"Sit down." Laura said. "You are in no shape to be walking around. Isn't there someone you can, I don't know... call to fix those? Can I do anything? I mean... you look like someone put your wings in a mangler. Not pretty doesn't even begin to touch it."

Dean shook his head at Laura's concern. He wasn't convinced that Castiel wasn't the enemy yet. Or at least a collaborator. "Yeah, I've got it, it's on the table next to you." He said as he himself sat down. Castiel would be a distraction for only so long.

"They'll heal." Castiel said. "They're not torn off."

"You are as bad as he is." Laura said with a frown. "I'm going to order lunch... then I guess I have to go back to nagging you." She said with a smile to Dean. She toyed with the chaplet in her pocket. Angels, who could begin to understand them? She could barely understand men of her own species.

Castiel picked up the book and started to leaf through the photo copied pages.

Dean grinned at her. "The difference being that you love to nag me." He said with a chuckle as he watched Castiel. "So does Uriel get reported, or does he get a slap on the wrist?"

"He gets reported. His grace is fading. He is falling and doesn't even realize it." It broke Castiel's heart. It ached in a way that he suspected Dean understood all too well. "The second war in heaven is beginning even now. At a time when we can least afford the distraction."

"Great." Dean said. "Forgive me for being selfish, but where does that leave me?" He asked. "I'm supposed to have an army. And seems my army's a little busy defending the home front. This mean I really do have to do it on my own?" He didn't think it was humanly possible. That's where the problem came in. He knew he was a bad choice, here was proof.

"No." Castiel said. "Even if there is only me, you will not be alone. But those that are loyal will do as our father commands, they will do as you command. Heaven and hell are both divided. The end of days is coming ahead of schedule. This was not to be the generation."

"Well, that's reassuring. I think." Dean said. "Okay, after lunch we've got work to do then. Up a bit more on the Eastern seaboard I found another potential seal. Really wish I had more help on this, only so many places I can go in a day."

He'd been to hell. He knew what it was like. He didn't want it up here.

"Is there anyone else you can trust?" Castiel asked. He would stay with them as long as he was able, perhaps until he healed. He could travel unseen. "I will tell those I trust about this, perhaps we can take care of as much of this as possible. It's going to take a while for me to be able to travel."

"Bobby." Dean said automatically. "Ellen. One or two others. Not many. And Bobby has his own copy, he's been working on things from his end." He ran a hand through his hair. "Fine. You get the backseat. You have no say over the music." He said after a look from Laura. She had a point. Castiel was nearly defenseless right now.

She gave him an adoring look, and smiled. Neither of them could afford to be alone right now. Neither of them was physically capable of handling the war on their own. And both of them felt they had no other choice. More alike than they knew and more different than they were comfortable with. It was going to be interesting once they started traveling again. She figured about two or three days in she was going to regret having them both in the car, but for now it was a victory.

Castiel tilted his head a little to the side in a nearly bird-like maneuver. One eyebrow lifted. Then he nodded his head in agreement.

******

The group had moved to another state, away from Texas. Across the country in Oregon, on the coast. A large, rambling house whose owners were currently in Florida. Pamela was on the porch. She knew who was coming back, and really not a moment too soon if anyone asked her. Not that she waited to be asked.

Sam stepped out of the sand storm on the beach, and strode confidently up the path to the porch. He wanted to limp. Wanted to hold his ribs that still hurt. His head hurt and his stomach craved food. But that would have to wait. He had to clean house, he was told, and he couldn't do that in anything but perfect condition.

Or at least the appearance of it.

"Miss me?" He asked smiling at Pamela.

"Jesus Christ, Sam." Pamela said with a relieved sigh as she carefully made it down the stairs. Sam was changed. But at least he was here. "They were giving you up for dead. No one thought a psychic might have a little input onto that subject." She said, hugging him carefully. She could feel his pain radiating off. "Look, want to take me out to lunch, I'll catch you up on things before you go in there?" She offered. He at least needed food.

"Sure, I can do that." He said gently. "I'm okay." He said. "You worry too much." Sam told her with a smile. "Come on...there has to be someplace along here with a decent bowl of clam chowder."

She found the keys to one of the cars and handed them to Sam and waited until they were in a back booth at a fish shack. "First off, I lied to everyone. Said this virus can infect them, and trap them in their hosts, and then they'd die." She said. "The shaman's almost done with it, the whole language barrier slowed down getting supplies. But once Uriel got ahold of you, it was like watching dogs fight over a bone over who was going to be on top. It was near consensus to drop the vaccine project, so I lied. And said you told me. So stick with that, kiddo."

"Works for me." He said with a smile. "What else is going on? Pazuzu says I have a lot of hedge trimming to do... fill me in on everything that's been going on... who has been the biggest putz... and who has been treating you the worst while I was away."

Pamela paused as the waitress delivered their chowder and took a drink of her soda. And filled him in on everything. "Andy's decided he's in charge. One good thing about Alex, he said you were in charge, even if you weren't here. Well, Andy wasn't going to wait. And decided to get a little demon activity going on. We had to move twice quickly because he brought some hunters down on us. Tried to warn him, but I'm human, so he doesn't believe a word I say." She guessed Sam would have better luck. Now. "And he's in a new body. Decided I was good for one thing, but I saw that one coming too, and shot him between the legs. People keep forgetting I still have more senses than most."

"Andy is going to take a vacation." Sam said. "Maybe when he comes back he will have the sense not to cross me again. I'm amazed you stuck with them all this time." He was amazed at the loyalty she had even knowing what he was, what his men were. "How many new recruits are there? Or is Andy the only new face in the crowd?"

"Twenty three. In this house." Pamela said. "Andy has a bunch in another house next town over. I stayed because someone had to teach the shaman english. Which I did by making him watch Gossip Girl. He's addicted now. And someone has to look out for you, Sam. Dean can't right now, he would if he could." But he'd barely made it out of the operating room. "Bobby's taking care of seals himself. That pretty much leaves me. To stick around and remind you that you're still Sam."

"That's gonna make things interesting. I hope I don't have to take care of the other house entirely when I send Andy back to hell." He said. "But a man has to do what a man has to do." He said as he ate his chowder slowly. His body was unaccustomed to real food after the last six weeks. "By the way, your buddy Castiel," he said, knowing that was the angel that had taken her eyes, "got his wings busted, and spent apparently longer than me in Uriel's unfriendly hands. Just in case that gives you a little... satisfaction there. " He told her. "I heard that Dean is okay. Pazuzu told me, apparently he and Laura are on the beach somewhere on the other side of the country."

"Dean's fine for Dean." Pamela said. "I spoke to Laura about a week ago," though she fully expected the line to go dead now, "and your brother cut his own cast off and hobbled out of the hospital. That's Dean for you. That was after he extubated himself, pulled the IV out of his neck and ordered a pizza to the ICU. So I'd say he's about as fine as you are."

Sam laughed, and then clutched his side. "Hey, I'm doing great for having been tortured by an archangel for a month and a half, climbing out of his torture chamber, and riding a dust storm all the way home." He said, grinning at her, yellow eyes twinkling. He was getting looks but most people were willing to look away. "You're going to have to hook me up with your sunglasses dealer, I think."

"Why? So you can keep checking out my rack and think I won't notice?" She teased him as she reached into her purse and pulled out another pair and handed them to her. She wasn't sure what other people saw, but she knew what she saw. Sam was definitely changed.

He took the glasses and put them on. "Let's just say you aren't the only one with striking eyes at the moment." Granted hers were acrylic and specially made. His were... something he was going to have to get used to. "Besides, I doubt you would complain about me checking out your rack." He didn't blush at the comment. Even smiled a little. The innocence that had always be so much a part of Sam was gone.

"Oh I never complain." Pamela said. Poor Sam, she couldn't help but think. "Alex surprisingly has stayed the course. Gotten between me and a couple of the others, though basically he's stuck with the shaman to make sure that the vaccine gets done. It's almost there. A few of them haven't been keeping as low profile as they should, they're like children. And I'm not a babysitter, Sam."

"No, you aren't. But that's okay, Daddy's back and I suspect quite a few are going to be grounded for a while. If they are lucky, I will remember to summon them back later." He told her. "I'm not gonna put up with crap. I can't fight this war on a third front. Two is bad enough. " He finished his chowder and pushed the bowl aside.

"Then let's head back and let the shit hit the fan." Pamela said, standing up as well and following Sam back to the car. "I'm glad you're out. I was worried, okay I'm still worried. But not as much as I was."

"I'm worried too." Sam admitted as he started the car. He parked it in front of the house and got out. He took a few deep breaths before striding toward the steps. He let his thoughts of Dean, of the past he had left behind, slip from his mind. there was only the future to contend with. The war. Keeping his team alive in spite of themselves. Taking Uriel down.

He opened the door and walked inside, as if he owned the place, and every one and everything inside. And in a few short moments, he would.


	10. Finding myself

AN: thank you for coming back to read another chapter. Please review and let us know what you think, what you like and what you don't. I am going into review withdrawals.

Chapter 10: finding myself

_and I thought that I found myself today_

_and I thought that I had control_

_all the change in my life just fell away_

_for a moment I didn't need you_

Bobby handled the contents of the box gingerly. The last thing he wanted to do was drop any of this. Without reading the note, he knew what it was. And at least Sam had packed syringes too. He sighed and found an old fan belt, cutting it to use it as a tourniquet as he read the note. The tone was off. It was Sam, but it wasn't Sam. But it was just enough Sam that he was willing to go on trust and take one of the syringes and jam it into his vein, swearing as it burned and stung going in.

Uriel appeared before the man, two angels flanked him. He hadn't figured he would need more than that to deal with one human hunter. He was no demon, no matter what Castiel had implied. "What's this?" He demanded to know.

"Speed." Bobby said, removing the syringe and untying the tourniquet. Refusing to show any fear he might have felt. "The way I'm working, doing your work by the way, can't afford to sleep."

Uriel looked the man over and laughed softly. "Speed. For a hunter you don't lie very well." He said as he reached for the box. "Did little Sammy send this to you?" He asked mockingly. "You know, he isn't exactly human anymore."

"And you're not exactly an angel." Bobby said, reaching for the box also. Not that he had a chance in hell of getting it, but dammit he made the attempt.

"I'm an angel. You just listen to the wrong propaganda." Uriel said. "Comes from talking to demons all the time." He advanced slowly. He wanted to make sure that when Winchester, whichever one it was, found Bobby Singer, they would know that it had been a slow and painful process that ended this man's life.

"Don't you ever get tired of the sound of your own voice?" It was Sam's voice. Yet it wasn't. It was full of hatred, venom, rage. "Uriel." The name was leveled like a weapon.

"Samuel." Uriel said, without turning around. "Come to watch, even better."

"Sam, get out of here." Bobby said, instinctually.

"Why would he do that? He's come to watch you suffer. He's too far gone now for any redemption." He said, taking a swipe at Bobby, knocking the case out of his hands. "What's this, Samuel? More attempts to block the future?" He said as one by one, he picked the vials up and smashed them to the ground.

Sam howled in rage and the walls shook with the force of it. He looked at the archangel and shoved him back against a wall. "Son of a bitch!" He yelled. That was the last of the vaccine, that was what had been intended for Dean and Laura. "You're slitting your own throat, don't you see that?"

He looked over his shoulder and nodded to several of his men.

Bobby backed up when the men gathered around. Bobby could recognize a possessed person on sight, and now his house was full of them. And being led by Sam.

"I'd like to think he started to slice his own throat when he took you." Bobby said, dryly. He had a feeling about what was going to happen. He didn't necessarily agree with it, but he couldn't stop it either, as he climbed up on a short ladder and put a mark through the devil's trap, thereby making it ineffective. "And I just dry walled this room too...."

The archangel was attacked by the demons first grasping his host, pulling him away to the center of the room. Uriel fought back, as only an archangel can, and Sam didn't once spare a second thought for the hosts of his men and the damage done to them. They were collateral damage. Something he should have learned from Ruby years earlier.

He reached out a hand, this time no strain evident in his body language no sign of physical pain. He muttered a few words, quiet and low, rumbling words in a language no longer spoken and the demons holding Uriel abandoned their hosts "Cover your eyes, Bobby... cover your eyes." He said as they drug the archangel from his host, a ball of light, twisting and turning in the grasp of darkness and inky shadows, then all plunged downward.

The floor boards groaned, as the angel still resisted but received no help from any source. The blackness spread over the floor, red hot edges remained for several seconds then faded away to nothing, as though the floor had never been marred. Sam stepped over to the archangel's host and looked him over. "Dead. Can't say I'm surprised. Take him outside and get him ready I'll salt and burn before we go." He said and two of his men stepped forward to do as he commanded. "You alright Bobby? Did you have a chance to take your share of the vaccine?" He asked.

Bobby sighed. "I took it first thing and had it repacked ready to send to Dean." Bobby said. "Had Uriel been ten minutes later, it would have been on its way." He said, positive some slowness on his part caused them to lose the vaccine.

Sam rested a hand on Bobby's shoulder. "It's okay...it's not your fault. I'll get to him some how... transfusion or something should do it." He said. He glanced at his watch. "We gotta get out of here soon, Bobby. Uriel wasn't alone and they will come back for you. So... you might wanna pack a few things." He said before going to the center of the room and opening up his journal. It was time to call his boys back. He wasn't going to repay them by leaving them there any longer than he had to.

Bobby watched Sam. "I appreciate the offer, Sam." Bobby said. "I love you like the son I never had, you know that. But asking me to join your fraternity house of demons; isn't that pushing it a bit?"

"You don't have to join Bobby but if I leave you here, you are going to die, at the hands of angels. My fraternity of demons is the safest place to be right now, and we're on the same side, believe it or not. Besides, Pam would love to see you." He said. "But we'll continue this in a moment. I gotta do this fast." He said, and then began the incantation to bring the demons back from the hell they had just entered.

Bobby was certain that his living room (and himself) had seen it all now. Exorcisms of demons and now angels. And now the summoning of demons as he watched the black smoke come up through the floor boards and enter their abandoned hosts. "I never thought we weren't on the same side, Sam." Bobby said with a sigh.

"Then come with me. Dean can't stop them right now. I can. I could use your help." He offered. He wanted Bobby to come with him willingly. But he wasn't going to leave him here. It was too dangerous, and neither Sam nor Dean could afford to lose Bobby. Not Bobby.

Bobby considered it. Then considered his choices. Winchesters. Always had to have their way. "I'm not leaving my dog." He said, firmly.

Sam actually smiled. "Wouldn't have it any other way." He said. "But I'm not giving him a bath this time." He had some amazing memories of childhood with that dog. "You might want to leave a note in the panic room. That's the first place Dean will look for you if he can't find you up here."

Bobby jotted down a quick note, saying all that had happened and tacked it on the fridge and in the panic room. Either place would be Dean's first stop. Gathered up some clothes, stuff for the dog and a few books. "He eats demons for lunch. So it's either you or the blind psychic that give him a bath." He said with a hint of a smile.

Sam was still laughing. "Not sure he'll still like me Bobby." He said. "But what the hell. If I can't handle a Rottweiler, I have no business chasing down demons, do I?" He still hunted; just now he was hunting with an express purpose. And right in that moment, he was flying higher than a kite. Sending Uriel to hell had been the single most exhilarating thing he had ever done. It was almost as rewarding as putting Lilith in her place. But that was different. That was 40 years of payback for his brother's sake. This was just because Uriel had pissed Sam off once too often.

Still, he had been an archangel.

"Come on. Pamela's waiting outside, and I have a body to salt. Funny thing about being the only human with eyesight in the group... I get to do all the salting." The burning came a hell of a lot easier these days too.

"All right." Bobby said. He could talk to Pamela about all this. He was apprehensive about the direction Sam was taking. Apprehensive for the sake of Sam, not himself. There was a huge difference.

Laura wasn't sure she was sad to see the angel leave their company or not. She would be glad of the illusion of privacy again, that was certain, but she had liked the way he soothed Dean, even if Dean didn't see it. It had taken time, but the tension between them had slipped away.

"Well, that's done." Dean said as Castiel left to take care of his own business, his wings finally healed.

And Dean was fully healed for that matter. It had been four months since the earthquake. He had even convinced Laura that he didn't need any of the breathing treatments. Especially the one that smelled to him like sulfur, that one he was especially happy to get rid of. That's the last thing he wanted to be inhaling.

"Yeah... wondering if we can afford to still use the angel hiding mojo right now, or if we should give that up for a while, see what happens." She mused as she packed up their things. "So where are we off to next?"

"Small town in South Dakota." Dean said as he put away all the weapons. "Violence breaking out, from what I'm gathering. Could be a bunch of possessed people. As the wall between earth and hell weakens, gonna be a lot of demons looking for hosts."

"Okay. That's not too far from Bobby, is it?" She said. She liked Bobby. It would be good to see him again. She needed to get in touch with Pamela again and see what was going on with her end of things. Sometimes they could actually get through. Most of the time not.

"It's really not that far." Dean said. "Take care of this problem and we'll be in his driveway in an hour. Tops. Less if there are no cops on the roads."

"Sounds good. I think it would do him good not to see you on crutches." She said. "Or more to the point, not needing crutches." She added with a faint smile. Taking care of Dean was often more difficult than protecting the seals.

"I haven't needed the crutches for a while. It was convincing you of that fact that took a while." Dean said with a laugh as they got into the car.

"No you needed them... it just wasn't the only way you could walk. There is a difference." Laura pointed out. "Just like you could breathe without the treatments... if you didn't care about pain, congestion and oh yeah, not being able to run far when you needed to."

"Hey, I listened to all your suggestions and I complied with the treatments." Dean said. "Remember? I got to get off the treatments because I used them all, for their actual intended purpose, surprisingly."

"You listened because I sat on you." She said with a laugh. "It will be good to have privacy again." She said, changing the subject. She had learned how and when to push and he was better now, so you just let it drop until the next time.

"The illusion of privacy." He corrected with a laugh. "But I'm glad he's better now. Makes all the difference really. I need some people, angels, whatever, on my team."

"I know... you have them... I told you how I found you, didn't I?" She asked him. "Michael showed me. He was there until you were unearthed, and then went after Abaddon... who was also there in town. You have more on your side than you know."

"I'm human. I like to know." He said with a sigh as they drove toward the town. "You got the gun on you?" Aggressiveness, violence, sounded all too familiar to Dean. So the guns were loaded with real bullets this time.

"Yes I do." She said, and she had also been practicing, learning what self defense he could teach her, even though she didn't understand the sad look Castiel would get in his eyes when she had been practicing. "So what's the plan?"

"Stop anyone from leaving town." He said sadly. The town was a lost cause, there was no treatment. He could just try to stop it from spreading. Maybe save a few of the inhabitants while he was on it. "I can drop you off at a motel outside the town. I'm serious, deeply dangerous here."

"Weren't you the guy that said you needed more people on your side? You can't leave me behind if you expect to have me at your side, hard to help you from a distance."

"Yeah, guess I was." Dean said. "You're not going to let me have it both ways, are you?" He asked.

"No." She said. "Because the whole time I would be safe at the hotel you would be worried about me, and not focusing on what you need to do."

"Another one of those both ways things." He said. "I'll worry about you anyway."

"I love you, too." She said looking over at him. They never said. Not in those words. In fact the L word never came up. But she had learned to interpret Winchesterese. He said it. He said it every time he let her drive, every time he pushed to keep her safe above all else.

He grinned at her as he pulled into the eerily quiet town, pulling into a bank parking lot. "Okay, here we are." He said and checked his cell reception. "Nope."

"Not surprising out here." She said. Although there were times in some of the towns they had come to that the trouble with reception was brought on by the monsters themselves, rather than a lack of cell towers. "What do we do first?"

"Go see if there's any life in this town left." Dean said. "If there's not, we're in big trouble, means its hit this town and already moved on."

Laura nodded and stepped closer to Dean. There was something about the town that raised her hackles. It was unnaturally quiet. No one was out walking the streets. It reminded her of something from one of Stephen King's novels that she had read when her parents weren't looking. The one about the killer flu.

"Stay close." Dean said, gun drawn, as he moved through the town. Checking the small shops, the stores. He found blood, which he told her absolutely not to go near. "Really not liking this at all."

"What's going on?" She asked. "It seems like you know something, Dean. Talk to me." She said keeping an eye on their surroundings, pistol at ready.

He told her about the time Sam and him had encountered something like this. And the outcome of it. "At the end of it, there were five survivors. The doctor, Mr. Rogers' neighbor, another kid, Sam and me." He left out locking himself in the room with an infected Sam. "Sam....he ended up being fine. Like he was immune or something. Everyone else? Was killed or just disappeared."

"Okay so when you shoot someone you want it to not be at close range. Got it." She said shivering a little at the thought. It was insane. But something she could well imagine as a hell spawned pestilence. It made even more sense that Sam would be immune. They wouldn't want their general infected.

"Yeah, pretty much." He said, and then gestured for her to be quiet. He could hear screaming. "Guess they all locked each other into the YMCA."

She looked at him horrified "What do we do?" She asked softly. Could they really kill them? Could they not? It was a terrible responsibility and she didn't think Dean would ever be the same no matter what choice he made.

"We let them kill each other." Dean said with haunted eyes. "And kill anyone that tries to get out. It's really all we can do. The seal's open, we're just containing it."

She nodded. It was the best choice really. Did the least damage to a man's soul. He might have had it bleached clean when Castiel had brought him out of hell, but it was still fragile. Dean was a delicate man underneath all the strength and bravado.

Dean checked his gun. And watched the door. Checked his gun again. "Maybe you should wait in the car." He said quietly. She'd never killed anyone. Last time he'd face this, he had. He could take it.

"No. I'm not going to abandon you." She said firmly. He would get himself killed and expect her to just drive off and go on with her life. She couldn't do that.

He shook his head. "This whole in for an inch, in for a mile thing is all well and good. But I'm serious. We're going to have to kill anyone that comes out of that building. And they're human. Can you really do that? It's all right if you can't, luckily, not a lot of people can."

"I guess we're going to find out." She said. "But you can't watch your back here and this is one place you can't afford to not have eyes in the back of your head." She told him.

She had a point. He was hoping that what was left in the town was in that building, but he wasn't counting on it. "Fine." He said with a sigh. "Let's secure all the exits, let them kill themselves." There was no hope for these people, not really, as much as that bothered Dean. So he started chaining the doors and boarding up windows.

Laura stood beside him as he had his hands busy, gun at ready, prepared to shoot first and ask questions later. At least that was what she told herself. She would do it to save Dean. She would worry about the ramifications later.

Then all hell broke loose. Before he could get to a side door, some of the infected survivors of whatever battle was going on inside came spilling out. Some were armed for bear; others were more than happy to just use their hands to tear anyone apart. "Laura! Back!" He said as he started shooting.

She stepped back and started shooting at what she could, trying not to hit Dean or anything that might splatter him with the infected blood.

When he said 'get back' he meant get back to the car, roll up the windows, lock the doors and hide beneath the dashboard. As he was dodging bullets from all sides, he realized he should have taken the time to be clearer.

He made it over to Laura and grabbed her arm. "Come on! We have to find some cover." He said.

Then things seemed to slow down. They came from everywhere. There weren't many, but two people starting to run low on bullets, there were enough. In his mind it would always be played in slow motion. Even the bullets seemed to slow down, like some John Woo movie he saw. The only problem was he slowed down as well. Laura slowed down. Everything was slow, just allowing him to commit to memory all the impossible details he wished he couldn't remember, had never seen, and had happened far away from them.

Everyone shooting. Everyone diving. One getting too close and Dean getting moved as another body, a smaller body blocked him, him back pedaling right into a guy who was about to shove a knife in his back, cutting them both.

"Dean!" Laura screamed, but it was too late. It wouldn't end like this; she knew somehow that it wouldn't. That heaven wouldn't let Dean die of some terrible disease. She moved to pull him away from the fray, spotting out of the corner of her eye the movement, the weapon lifted and aimed. They were so close to the car, just a few more steps, a few more steps and they would be safe. But there it was, death on two legs, gun in hand aimed at Dean. She took aim and fired. Her target reflexively fired in return on the way down and she moved to cover Dean, shielding him with her body as the bullet slammed into her.

The burning in his side let him know nothing was hit. Well, nothing vital anyway. Not that it mattered at this point. He took his gun and put a bullet between the man's eyes before Laura started edging him to the car. He saw her go down and more than half carried her back to the Impala and got her in the front seat. Popping the trunk, he took out all the weapons. Preloaded, as his father had always taught him. Keep it always ready.

And it didn't matter now, the blood splatter. He knew it. He just kept shooting and shooting. Mowing them down like rabid animals, which he guessed they pretty much were.

When he was out of ammo, and felt the blood soaking his shirt, he threw everything back into the trunk, including most of his clothes, applying a dressing to his side and bringing more into the car as he turned the ignition and started speeding toward Bobby's.

"Where are you hit?" He asked. "Laura, where are you hit?" He didn't know how much time either of them had.

"It's okay." She lied. "I think... I think it went through..." It hit her at an angle going from one side of her spine and through to her side, missing the spine itself. "It's not bleeding too badly."

"Which means it's bleeding inside." Dean said and pressed on the accelerator harder, the engine roaring as they raced down the highway. He didn't even care if the cops caught him at this point. Wasn't a hospital around, all he had was Bobby. He tossed her a bunch of shirts. "Put pressure on it, and hang on. Just hang on, okay?"

She looked over at Dean. "I'm hanging on." She told him, but she knew what was coming. She knew who rode in the back seat with them. "Its okay, Dean... it's okay. I promise. No matter what, I am not going to leave you." That much Michael had promised. But she knew the archangel didn't mean that she would be there holding him through his dreams, or chasing the darkness from his eyes. But she would be there. She did as Dean told her however, hoping to stay as long as she could as she was.

"Just press as hard as you can." He said and looked at his hand. It was clean, no blood, just gunpowder, so he reached over to help her put pressure on it as he drove, throwing the Impala into park as soon as he pulled into Bobby's driveway. He got out and went to the passenger side and opened the door. Then stopped. "I can't help you." He said softly. "I was cut. I can't touch you." He'd just infect her too.

"It's okay." She told him as she slowly began to get out of the car. "It's okay." She was saying it for his sake. "You're gonna be okay." She said knowing that Dean would be healed. "I have faith." She leaned against the outside of the car feeling cold, very cold. She took a deep breath and pushed herself up right once more. She had to make it to the house. She knew that. She needed to get that far so that he could let her go in peace. But she couldn't, her legs were turned to rubber and she slumped downward.

"Dammit." He said as he pulled a tarp off some firewood on the front porch. Better than nothing as he carefully wrapped her in it. "Come on, nice and easy." He said. "You're going to be just fine. Bobby's a miracle worker, you'll be fine. Come on, stay with me now."

She smiled, trying not to wince at the pain. "I know... everything will be fine, Dean... I promise... there are things coming... so many things, wonderful things, Dean." She said. "He says not to worry."

"Who?" Dean asked absently as he helped her up to the porch and inside. The door was unlocked, Bobby had to be home. "Bobby?!" He called out, setting her on the couch. "Bobby?!" He yelled louder, washing up his arms at least. He felt strange, and figured it was starting. He needed to make sure Laura was okay though, before he...well....before. Finding the first aid kit he pulled on the gloves and knelt beside the couch. He lifted off the t-shirt and put it back down. "You're going to be fine." He lied. This was so far beyond his ability. "It's nothing, you're going to be fine."

"You don't lie very well." She said as she reached up to touch his face. "And it's Michael who is speaking to me. He is here, waiting. It's going to be time soon. Somehow I thought we would be older when we were having this conversation." Laura adjusted on the sofa, the pain wasn't as bad as she had thought it would be, it always looked so painful in the films, being shot.

"I don't care if it's the tooth fairy talking." Dean said. "It's not even that bad, you're going to be fine." He insisted. "Just fix you up, you'll be as good as new." He said as he rifled through the kit. More like a thirty gallon storage container. "Dammit! There's nothing in here!" He said, throwing it across the room. "Okay, okay, I'm going to call an ambulance. They'll get here fast, and we'll get you to a hospital and....Laura, Laura, stay with me right now. Right now and I need you to stay with me. Ignore the freaking angel, I do all the time!"

"No, Baby," she said softly, "no... it's time for me to go... but I won't be gone forever. I promise. I will always be with you. I was promised that." She told him. "It's okay to hold me. The infection doesn't matter. And you will be okay. It's not going to end like this."

"It is not time for anything." Dean insisted. "You need to hang on. Tune out any other voice other than mine, got it?" The blood was seeping through the pressure dressing and gathering in his hand as he continued to press down. "Dammit, not like this. I don't know what to do." He was basic first aid. He could stitch himself up. Knew a bit about burns, and breaks and head injuries. A gunshot wound that went through and through? He didn't know enough. Not near enough. "I don't know what to do."

"Shhhh." She said and stifled back a groan of pain, although if she thought about it, she felt distant from the pain, almost separated from it. "It's alright. Dean... there is nothing for you to do but say goodbye... and promise me... promise you won't give up. You can't give up. There is so much that you don't know." She said eyes drifting closed, then forced open once more. "So much ahead of you that I wish ..."

He saw the groan of pain, and at least that he could do something about as he drew up some morphine and gently injected it near the wound. "Ignore them, Laura. I'll think of something. Just give me a minute, I'll figure something out. Because the only place you get to go is another crappy hotel room with some crappy road food. Got it?" He couldn't think. His own mind was becoming a bit fuzzier, and he knew what that meant. "Laura, I can't do this. I cannot do this and I will not do it if you leave. I have this huge abandonment complex, and you're not allowed to make it worse."

"I'm not abandoning you, my love." She said. "I will always be with you. None of this is your fault. Don't you dare blame yourself for this." She told him. "You have to go on. You can't stop just because I've gone before you. I will be watching and waiting for you... when it's your time. But don't make it too soon. A girl needs time to get ready for a date, you know."

"That's not funny." He said. He could feel her slipping away as he felt her blood pool in his hands. "I should have left you a motel or something. How could I be so freaking stupid?" The virus burning its way through his system didn't matter anymore. He couldn't stop any of it. He couldn't stop her blood from pouring out of her. He couldn't stop the seals. He couldn't stop his brother from becoming what Azazel always wanted him to be. Dean was fairly used to chaos. He wasn't used to powerlessness. He didn't like it. He tried to do everything on his terms, and these were NOT his terms. "Dammit, I'm sorry." He said as he moved her from the couch and held her. "I am so freaking sorry."

She leaned against him, nestling into the warmth he provided. "I'm not." She said, and closed her eyes. "I wouldn't change a thing." She told him, breathing in the scent of him, until her body breathed no more. She took Michael's hand, and let him rise her spirit from her body, but she did not move from Dean's side. "I won't leave him like this." She said.

"He needs time." Michael said, watching Dean lay Laura's body flat on the floor and start CPR in vain. "It won't be for long." He promised. "He needs time to right himself first, one way or another. Another is coming to help him."

"He won't want to continue on." She said, but let Michael lead her away. He had promised, and she had faith in the prince of archangels.

Castiel and Raphael waited until Michael had taken Laura homeward, then slowly made themselves known. They knew that Dean was in the throes of the virus, as well as grief. They believed themselves prepared for what was to come.

Dean recognized Castiel. And didn't give a shit who his friend was as he picked Laura's body up. "Get the hell away from me." He said, going to the back yard and setting up a fire. Finding salt. And finding the note. Reading it with eyes bleary from unshed tears and carefully folding it up. "I don't care what you think you want, get away from me." He said as he laid Laura's cold body on the pile of wood and started the fire.

Castiel motioned for Raphael to wait and be patient. "She won't burn." He told him gently. "The body won't decay. Neither do you need to worry about her coming back as a ghost, or something dark." He said, trying to be reassuring. He didn't share Dean's sorrow, because he knew what was to come, he knew what Laura was where as Dean did not. Castiel wasn't sure whether it was a kindness to tell him. He wouldn't care that his lover was a martyr and a saint. He was in too much pain and too close to the edge of the virus taking control.

Dean glared at Castiel. "Why are you still here? I told you to get the hell away from me." He said as he watched the wood burn. And just kept adding more until he ran out. His head as so foggy, and he wanted to hurt something right now. He wasn't sure if it was his natural self or the virus at this point. "Just go away." He said as he headed back into the house and called Sam's cell phone. He called the number twenty million times a day. He hoped, for once, just for once, he could get through. Especially now.

Castiel stepped into the flames and carried Laura's remains back into the house.

"Dean?" It was Sam's voice on the other end, and Dean could hear the smile through his tone. "You okay?" He asked, missing his brother desperately. He wanted to gush on and tell him what he had done to Uriel but he thought he should wait and find out if everything was alright with Dean. They didn't let his calls come through often, and when they did it was important.

"Yeah I'm fine." Dean said quietly. So quietly Sam had to go outside, where there was no noise to hear him, even with the volume of the cell turned all the way up. "Read Bobby's note about Uriel. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy." He said, and managed a half smile at that.

"Yeah I agree, so what's wrong? You say you are fine, something is wrong. Are you still at Bobby's? I can be there in a few hours." He could find a way if his brother needed him. "I need to see you anyway... set up a transfusion or something... I couldn't get the vaccine to you, Uriel destroyed what I had sent to Bobby."

"Don't worry about it." Dean said. "I contained that seal, and a vaccine doesn't matter anyway." Not any more, he was already infected. "I don't want you near me right now, trust me, it's for your own good. Just....when this is all over....I need you to remember everything I taught you. And when this is all over, and things are back to normal, when you're faced with a situation, think...what would Dean do? Then do the opposite. Unless it's a hot girl or a car. Got it?"

"What the hell is going on, Dean?" Sam asked. "You contained the seal, what do you mean you contained the seal, are you infected? Dean, talk to me!" Sam said, yellow eyes wide, worry showing in his voice as well as his eyes. "Are you at Bobby's? Just hang on, I will get there." He could only think that his brother was dying. Why else would he say something so foolish? Not do what his brother would do? In all things but women and cars, that's all Sam had ever wanted, to be like his big brother.

"No!" Dean said. "Sam, I'm serious, you saw what those people were like. I don't want you here, got it? Your whole life I have tried to keep you safe. Do not make my screw ups worse than they already are. Just don't do it Sam. Come by tomorrow, I'm gonna cut off a hunk of skin and put it in the fridge." Bobby's fridge had held worse. "And come burn that, maybe that will put me at peace." Since everyone had disappeared in the last town. "I'm locking myself in the panic room before I hurt someone. Promise me you're not coming until tomorrow. Promise me, Sam."

"No!" Sam cried out. "I'm not going to promise that. I'm on my way now. I have people that won't be infected that can come too. You can be cured, Dean. Where is Laura? Let me talk to her." He had to find out what was going on. How long ago it had happened. He wasn't going to lose his brother now, not with things finally turning.

Dean was silent for a long painful moment. "She's dead. I got her killed, Sammy." He said. "She won't burn, and I don't have time to figure it out. I can feel it, you know. Like it's burning me alive inside. And I can't even put a bullet in my head, because even I know that's a one way ticket to hell. I got her killed, she's dead because of me. She took a bullet for me in that town. Everyone I have ever loved is dead because of me. Dad. Laura. Even you once. Don't come, Sammy, I'm serious, don't come. Just finish this. Promise me you're going to finish this."

"We're both going to finish this, Dean." Sam said, even though he knew that it was a lie. It was like Dean saying he was fine, like Sam promising he was going to save Dean from hell. It was all empty. Something to say to stave off the pain for a few moments longer. "Don't give up... please don't give up." He was proud of him that he wasn't going to take the easy way out, that he wasn't going to go back to hell. "I'll take care of it." He said. "I can't contract it... I will take care of it.... when you're gone." He said, choking as he said it.

"I mowed down the whole town, it's contained." Dean said. "At least I did that right." It was somehow getting easier. And clearer as he slumped on the floor. "The car needs an oil change, I haven't gotten around to it. Everything needs to be reloaded. And I swear if you play that angsty emo music in my car again, I'm going to haunt your ass. Take care of Bobby, he didn't do so well last time." Last time Dean died. "And cut your hair."

"Dude, you are not going to make that your last wish." Sam said as he wiped at his eyes. "So I will go with take care of the car and take care of Bobby... don't worry about him...I'm looking out for him. Pamela is giving him a hard time. " He sank down on the steps, silent tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry... I should have been there. I'm sorry I left."

"I'm sorry about Ruby. I never got to tell you that." Dean said. He never had any warm and fuzzy feelings toward the demon. But Sam did, and that was what was important. "I'm proud of you, Sam. Never told you that either. I gotta go, I can't think clearly."

"Dean, please don't go." Sam said grief washing over him already. "There's too much to say... so much I wanted you to know." How could he say good bye again? This was the end of hope for Sam, the end of everything that made him Sam. He couldn't bring Dean back, nothing would bring his brother back. And would he want to? His soul was clean, it was going to heaven. He would finally be at peace, but Sam wouldn't. And he selfishly wanted his brother alive. Wanted him there to be waiting when it was all over and done.

"I know, Sammy. Right back at you. I'm sorry for punching you all those times, unless it was times you actually deserved it." Dean said. "I'm sorry for shaving your head when you were fourteen. I'm sorry I spiked your milk with laxatives that time. I'm sorry I insisted on you going with me before Jessica was killed. I'm sorry Dad died for me before you two could really get it together. And I'm sorry this is happening now."

"None of that was your fault." Sam told his brother. "Except for that whole laxative, shaving head thing. Dean... you never once let me down. Not once. You have to believe that. Losing Jess hurt, so did losing Ruby, but losing you... that nearly killed me, Dean. You're my brother..." he said, and only a Winchester could truly understand what that meant. How much more that was than merely a word representing a male sibling. "I'll be there tomorrow." He promised. "No matter what, I will take care of it." He promised. He knew that it would destroy him if he had to kill what was left of his brother when he got there, but he also couldn't leave him to suffer in madness. Crazed, slowly dying of thirst and starvation. No. Sam wouldn't allow that, but he couldn't do it while Dean was still Dean.

Dean took a deep breath. "Good bye, Sam." He said. "Just remember, well, everything, okay? Everything's going to be all right. I have it on pretty good authority that everything's going to work out."

Sam nearly choked on the words, they were almost as painful as the rest of the conversation. "Good bye Dean. I love you man... " he hung up the phone, and let it drop to the floor of the porch.

"Dean." Castiel said calmly, knowing this wasn't going to go well. "You need to let us heal you."

Dean gave Castiel an unbelieving look as he went through Bobby's liquor cabinet. "Go heal her." He said, pointing to Laura's lifeless body, that was back on Bobby's couch.

"I can't do that. She has moved on. Laura has work to do, even now, Dean... this is important. We can halt the progression of the disease. We can cure you. But you have to let us."

"I don't have to let you do anything." Dean snapped as he bound his wound again and started bleaching every place he had bled. "Free will is a bitch, isn't it? I have plans for the evening you know. Big plans. I'm going to lock myself in the panic room. Open all this booze. Then handcuff myself so I can't let myself out. Then I'm going to get really really drunk as I slowly go crazy, and then die. Letting you do anything doesn't fit into those completely fun plans, now does it? I told you to leave. Thought you were supposed to listen to me? Told you God chose wrong."

"You aren't thinking clearly." Castiel said. "It's the grief talking. You would not willingly do this if you were in your right mind." He stood before Dean, looking at him pointedly. "Laura doesn't want you to die like that. Neither does your brother."

"Laura doesn't want anything. She's dead." Dean said. "And don't start. You have no right to start. I'm only here because of you. I have lost everything because of your stupid war. I lost my brother, I lost Laura, and I've got absolutely no one. And all of it was because I had the so called free will to fight your war. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give. Don't even mention Sam, because my phone calls only go through when one of us is dying. We're not exactly bonding over beers you know. I can't do this anymore. And you know what? I'm going to be so freaking selfish. You can't make me. There, I said it. Invalidates that whole free will thing you admire us humans for. And you can't do that. Between angels and fallen angels I have lost my mother, I lost my father, I lost my brother, I lost my home, I lost Laura, I lost what little sobriety I had, I lost any chance at a peaceful night's sleep, I lost all possibility of any sort of life, and I'm done. I'm telling you right now, I'm done. Get out of the way." When Castiel didn't move, he just walked around him. Booze and handcuffs in hand, down to the panic room. "Nice knowing you, you really weren't so bad for an angel."

"Dean... you have the chance to make things right. Don't give up, not at this late date." Castiel said.

Raphael rested a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. "We need to make certain her remains are safe. " The earthly remains of a saint would never decay, but they needed to be safe guarded.

The only response from Dean for that was the heavy iron door of the panic room slamming shut, the lock engaging. Dean was ready to die. Alone. He always knew that would happen. The fact that Sam was there the last time was a total fluke. This was how it was always supposed to be.

******

Bobby came out, he knew Dean was on the phone. Sam had left the house, and Bobby found him easily. He hadn't gone far, no farther than the porch. But one look at the kid and Bobby knew it wasn't good news.

"What's wrong?" He asked. Something horrible he knew. He could tell from the look on Sam's face.

He looked up at Bobby, looking for all the world like a lost little boy. "He... " He swallowed and tried again. "He's infected and locking himself in your panic room, I have to go and... deal with things... tomorrow." It was Madison all over again. Only this time it was his brother. Dean hadn't asked, but he couldn't leave him there. "And I don't know if I can."

"Jesus...." Bobby said, sitting down heavily beside Sam. "I'll do it." He said. "I'm a better shot than either of you boys, there wouldn't be a chance to infect me, and besides I took the injection." He would rather do it than put Sam through it. He'd killed his own possessed wife. He could kill the young man who was like a son to him. Especially since it wouldn't be Dean anymore. And it would spare the other surrogate son in his life.

Sam wiped his eyes. "We'll both go. I could use the support, but I can't leave it to you to do for me. " He said raggedly. No matter how often he wiped at his eyes, more tears spilled forth. "You know. I always thought that when you went all dark and twisty, you weren't supposed to care anymore. That it wasn't supposed to hurt. "

"Guess you're not that dark and twisty." Bobby said, softly. But he'd always known that. "Dammit, Dean." He said, wiping at his own eyes. Wondering where the angels were. The ones that were supposed to be watching out for him. He was the quarterback of the angel team after all, he was supposed to be protected from the offensive side.

It was Uriel's fault. He had destroyed the vaccine that would have saved Deans life. Nothing would have saved Laura. She loved his brother enough to die for him, and he hoped there was a special place in heaven for her with his parents because of that. A heaven that Sam knew he would never be allowed into. "hell is too good for Uriel." he said simply as he got to his  
feet, hatred sharing equal space with grief in the young man's eyes. "But I don't have anything worse to do to him.." He said getting to his feet."I'll go make travel arrangements"


	11. Sober

Sober

_When it's good then it's good, _

_it's so good 'till it goes bad_

_Until you're trying to find the you_

_that you once had_

_I've heard myself cry never again_

_Broken down, in agony, just trying to find a friend_

Castiel was waiting in Bobby's house. Standing in the middle of the front room, waiting. He knew who was coming. And he could just imagine the state that he was in right now.

Sam entered the house first, in spite of Bobby's objections. He left the older hunter and his dog on the front porch, while three of his more trusted men searched the grounds, making sure they didnt have unexpected company. "What are you doing here?" Sam asked blandly. Too little, too late most likely. That seemed to be the way with the angels that still wore white hats. Too little, too late.

"Your brother isn't here." Castiel said. Neither was the car, neither was Laura. Dean was with the car, and Laura was in a safe place now. Both her soul and her body.

Horror and grief crossed his face. "He didn't make it to the panic room in time, did he... I kept him on the phone too long." Tears sprang new to his eyes. He was going to have to hunt his own brother. By the time this life was done, he was going to welcome hell. It would be a vacation.

"He made it." Castiel said. "And once he lost free will," once he went mad, "we were able to heal him. Your brother is fine. Well, fine for Dean." Dean was alive, he was healthy, and he was trudging through his mission like he was being dragged toward his execution.

"Lost his free will?" Sam asked, not too up to date on the fine points of divine interpretation of free will. It had always come across as an excuse to blame everything on humanity. "He didn't want to be cured?" Sam asked. "And he lost his ability to choose so you chose for him, and now you say he is fine? How did God create you people without so much as a lick of common sense? You know he is out there doing the hunter equivalent of suicide by cop, don't you? Where is he?"

"I was trying to be gentle. Apparently I failed." Castiel said. "Your brother was infected. Yes, he wanted to die. But once he went mad, he lost the ability to make any decisions and we were able to overrule him. Which we did. Would you rather we respected his wishes? I am here because I knew you were coming. And not seeing your brother, or the car, you would have gone out after him, thinking he was still infected, if I wasn't here to tell you."

Sam sighed. "And I wasn't talking about the saving him, I'm saying he isn't fine. He doesn't want to live and he will find a way not to. Whether he drinks a hole in his stomach or dies in combat with some demon that I wouldn't take on alone. I know this because that's what I was doing when he was in hell until Ruby found me. I was looking for a way to die. Dean will be doing the same. Thank you for saving him, but you guys need to keep an eye on him in a more human sense. You know... like actually take action before he winds up infected, dying, sliding into hell like it's a home run... He isn't all there right now. I know my brother."

"I said he was fine for Dean." Castiel said. He'd watched the Winchesters long enough to know each word had a different definition depending on which brother it was applied to. "He's going to have help. He just needs to work through this."

"Work through this? How the hell is he supposed to work through this?" He yelled. "You don't understand. You can't understand. Your feelings are muted, and if Uriel is what happens when angels find a way to turn off the emotion filter, I'm just as glad of it. Who is going to help him? I can't leave Bobby here... The ones that got away the other night will come back for him, although I might just set up shop and send them all to hell. Figured while I was fighting God's war, I might as well deal with His traitors as well since He was too busy experimenting with angels and free will. Who knows... maybe that's how it's supposed to be after all. But who out there is going to help my brother? Who do you think he is going to let close to him after this? Did you ever meet my father? Even once after my mother died? Do you think he loved this girl any less than Dad loved Mom just because there were no children? No wedding ring? And he blames himself for her death, he doesn't even have a demon to blame."

"We believe we've found someone to help him." Castiel said. "To....give him a smack upside the head when he needs it. It was Laura's time, I know you can't understand that. I know Dean doesn't accept it, but it was her time, and she's still with your brother, whether either of you believe that."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Can he see her? Can she touch him and have him feel it? You think just being there and observing is enough? If he doesn't believe it, it wouldn't matter if she was sitting on his lap. Because he isn't getting any respite from the loss!" Sam yelled, loud enough that he could be heard outside. "And who ever you think can smack him upside the head, unless his name is John Winchester, I hope they have a hell of a medical plan, because Dean will remove the offending hand."

"I believe her name is Missouri Mosely." Castiel said calmly, letting Sam yell and vent. "I truly believe he won't remove her hand. She should be calling him soon."

Sam shook his head. "Missouri? Okay... so he won't remove the hand. Run screaming might be his other option." He smiled faintly, half hoping that Dean didn't. Missouri would at least keep him connected to the past. "So what is your boss doing about his traitors? Are we still fighting this war on two fronts?" He asked.

Castiel sighed tiredly. "I'm not privvy to His decisions and plans." Castiel said. "I'm rather low on the totem pole actually. But I sent Dean away from here because of the same reasons you won't let Bobby stay here."

Sam nodded. "You would think being Dean's guardian angel would put you on some sort of need to know list." He didn't claim to understand the heavenly host. He didn't really want to. He figured they were all just demons waiting to happen anyway. Like he had told Dean, when it all had begun there wasn't much difference between the two but politics. At least Azazel had been honest with him. "Look... stay with him. Please... just... stay with him and actually help. Don't just... stand there looking all tired and long suffering, spouting how he has to keep going because the world is depending on him. Actually help."

"I promised your brother that he would have an army." Castiel said. "Even if it was just me standing there beside him. I don't plan on standing around, I've helped where I could. Your brother isn't alone, and neither are you."

"I know I'm not." He said. "It's Dean that I worry about." He said, features hardening. "I'm through playing games. I'm through running. I'm through letting God's so called army screw with my family. If you can't protect him, I will. " Sam turned on his heel. "And dont think you can block me from him forever. I'll find a way." He strode through the doors to the porch. "Angels apparently had a moment free in their oh so busy schedule to save him at the last minute. " He told Bobby, his tone numb. He was thankful that Dean was alive and sane. He just didn't think either state was going to last for long, and that made it hard to feel anything but numb at the moment.

Bobby exhaled in relief. When he hadn't seen the Impala, he thought the worst. "Well, that's good." He said. "That's good, Sam. No matter how it happened, that's good."

"He's alone Bobby...and it's not safe for you yet." He said quietly. "Castiel says that Missouri is supposed to help him but I don't know that it will be enough. Not after losing Laura..and of course, he and I are supposed to believe she is still with Dean whether he believes it or not. 'Cause that's going to make all the difference when he is alone in the dark."

"Maybe they'll let me through." Bobby said. Dean didn't do too good when Sam died. He'd shut down until he could figure out a deal. If he was mobile and working, Bobby figured he was ahead of the curve. Not that he'd ever say that to Sam.

Sam nodded. "Please try." He said. He suspected Dean had been sent away because they thought the danger to him was Sam, as always. Or maybe they thought that it was too good a target, both of them together. He didn't know, but he knew his brother. Alone was not something Dean dealt with well at all. Didn't matter what the cause was. Dean did not deal well with alone.

******

Dean was alone. He always figured he'd be. He was alone in hell after all. And hell was slowly reaching up and taking over it seemed. He was alone in a dingy motel room, listening to the rain outside as it assaulted the glass. Probably hail.

He was cleaning and oiling his guns. Reloading them. Sharpening his knives as the TV blared in the background. He didn't know what was on, he didn't care. It was noise. He needed noise right now, whether it came from the TV, or the sound of a bottle scraping against a table as he picked it up, the liquid sloshing around inside as he tipped it to drink. He just needed noise.

She knocked on the door, tapping her foot impatiently as she waited. Those poor boys, she couldn't help but think. And that girl, the poor dear, well at least she wouldn't suffer ever again.

Not that she figured that would be any comfort to Dean.

She didn't think much of anything would be a comfort to Dean right then. That boy was on the brink of killing himself. So much of his father in him. In both of them.

Dean listened to the pounding for a few minutes. Hoping they'd just go away. Then got up reluctantly. Might be the manager or something. Bottle in hand, he opened the door a few inches and saw Missouri Mosely. "You're a long way from home." He said.

"And very wet. " She said, more gently than she usually said anything to Dean. He was shattered, poor man, better to get in the door before giving him what for, or she would spend the rest of the night banging on the door, waiting for another chance. "Can I come in?"

Dean sighed and opened the door all the way, moving back to the bed that was used more for weapon storage than sleeping. "What do you want, Missouri?" He asked as he went back to loading his guns. Always had to be prepared.

"For one, I want you to put that down, and come with me to get something to eat." She said. "We need to talk and it was a long bus ride out here from Lawrence." She told him. She knew that it would go badly at first but she had to remind him somehow that he was alive.

"Didn't ask you to come." Dean said flatly. "Haven't spoken to you since the last time I was in Lawrence. And I'm not hungry."

"You didn't ask, but I was asked." She said. "And I am, so come on. I'm not walking to a diner in this weather. " She said. She then raised an eyebrow. "Boy you have a long way to go before you get to think those thoughts at me." He knew she could hear them. "And you need to eat whether you are hungry or not. So please, let's just go get something to eat."

Dean thought about it for a long time. Then shook his head. "Fine." He said, grabbing the keys. "I'll feed you and get you on a bus. You shouldn't be near me."

Missouri didn't argue but let him lead the way to the Impala and got into the passengers seat. The girl had told her everything, including how stubborn he had become. "You remind me a lot of your Daddy right now." She said in a quiet voice. The pain radiated off of him in waves. Alternating with anger, resentment, self loathing. Just sitting beside him almost brought tears to her eyes.

"I worshipped my father." He reminded her as he drove down the street to a diner he'd passed. "If you're trying to insult me, that track won't work." He said as he pulled into the parking lot.

"Why would reminding me of your father be an insult?" She asked, letting go of the soft and gentle tone in that moment. "Your parents were my friends, Dean Winchester, before they died and after in the case of your father. I didn't agree with some of the things that he did, but I didn't have to. He was a good man." She told him. "So kindly remember that I'm the mind reader here, not you."

"My father was a hero." He said as he led her to a table. He ordered coffee from the waitress and waited for Missouri to order. "Sorry, I'm just not sociable these days. Got a lot on my plate."

"And so are his sons." She said and looked at him tilting her head a little to the side. "I'm not eating alone, you might as well just give in and order that cheeseburger that winked at you for a half a second." She said as she looked over the menu "Let's start with a glass of ice tea. Give us a minute with the menu." She told the waitress, having heard the silent objection to eating from Dean.

It was easier just to give in and order. So he ordered the cheeeseburger. He hadn't even read the menu, but she mentioned it, so it must be on it. Once the waitress took their orders, she wandered off. Without even a half hearted attempt at flirting from Dean. "Why are you here?" He asked. "It's not safe."

"There isn't anywhere safe, honey, you know that." She said gently. "I'm here because someone that cares a great deal about you said you weren't listening to her and you needed help." Missouri said honestly.

"What are you talking about?" He asked as the waitress brought the food. He picked at it, instead of devouring it like he normally would. Dean was known for ravenous appetite for just about everything. Now, he just didn't want to eat.

"You know who I am talking about but you don't want to believe. That lovely girl that loves you so much. She said to tell you that she kept her word and she hasn't left you. She is still here, you see her in your dreams, don't you?"

"I wouldn't know." He lied. "I don't sleep. I pass out. There's a difference. Is that what you came to tell me? Someone's lying. I was promised she'd be at peace."

"Yeah, some one is definitely lying." She said as she took a bite of her food. "How can she be at peace when you are destroying yourself?" Missouri said. "Do you really thing that starvation, and enough alcohol to eat your liver, is any less suicide than putting a bullet in your head? Honey, you have got to pull it together. Not for the world or for Sam, not even for Laura, but for you, Dean. No one can live like this for long. It eats away at the soul. It eats away at your sanity... "

Dean chuckled. "Sanity. Sanity sucks. Being sober sucks. And I'm doing the job, the world shouldn't complain so much."

"I'm not here because of the job, Dean. I'm here for you. Do you understand that? This is about you. One day this job is going to end. Either you will succeed in saving Sam from the darkness, saving the world... or you won't. Either way you are going to be here when it's all done, and I would like for there to be some part of you left in this shell when that happens."

"And if I lose, you think I want to be here? If I lose I know what's coming." Dean said. "I've been to hell, Missouri. Everyone fears hell for a reason." He said, pushing his plate away.

"Dean, I am beginning to think that you don't want to be here if you boys win." She said honestly. "You've already given up." She pushed the plate back over in front of him. "You have got to stop trying to destroy yourself by degrees. What's the plan? Go out in a blaze of glory? Only it won't be so glorious, given the fact that you are weakened by lack of food and too much liquor. Is that really how you want to go, Dean? You want to be found some morning in a sleazy hotel room, dead because of a bleeding ulcer?"

"I'm sure if I've got a bleeding ulcer, some angels will take care of it." Dean said. "I'm their blunt instrument after all, can't have me die before the big showdown. Probably with my own brother come to think of it. That's what they're good for. Keeping me going, and everyone else is collateral damage."

"Dean... is that what's wrong? You're mad because they saved you? Honey, if they hadn't, there would have been nothing left of you. I know you weren't raised much with God in your life, and I know you weren't raised Catholic, but Dean, Laura is a saint. Her time had come when you saved her from the sacrifice. She was living on borrowed time from that moment on. She chose to stay with you. Even now she is with you. But she can't help you if you don't listen, and to listen you have to sleep. To fight this war you have to eat."

"I'm getting really sick of that phrase. Her time had come. It was her time. Time's up! Move on, next scene." Dean said. "How many times have I died, Missouri? How many times has my time been up but someone else decided it wasn't? Sam, Dad, God. They took me out of hell, and they stopped me from dying from one of those seals because they need me to fight their war. That's it. They need me down here on judgement day so I can lead them to victory, so the pep talk goes. It's a sucky pep talk too. Everyone else? They don't care. Like I said, collateral damage, excess baggage they don't want to deal with. She's dead because of me. That bullet had my name on it, and she took it. That's it. All those euphemisms about her being in a better place or whatever other shit they've fed you, doesn't change that fact. She got shot, and she died. She died in pain by the way, and I couldn't stop it. The angels wouldn't stop it. A saint? Have to be to put up with me for months. I'm stubborn, I snore, I hog the bed, and I get people killed. You need to go back to Lawrence before you get killed too. I'm not sure how much more blood my hands can hold."

"Dean... it wasn't the angels talking to me. It was Laura. She is here, right now." She told him. "And I am not going anywhere either until you are back on your feet. I'm not going to die any time soon. Trust me on this. I know. I'm psychic, remember?" She told him.

"She's not here, she'd dead. She bled out in my arms, and I felt her body get cold." Dean said, throwing his napkin on his plate. "It's not something a guy forgets. I'm done." He said, putting down money for the meal. "Let's go get you a room, storm's getting worse, no buses will be leaving until the morning."

"Now you are being just plain obtuse." She said and tossed her napkin aside. She wasn't going anywhere until he came to his senses. "You know I don't mean physically. And I think I know the difference between the blessed dead and an angel."

"Good." Dean said with a shrug. "Look, I don't need any help. I suck at being fine, but I'm trudging through. The world's not going to end anytime soon, and hell gets to stay where it is. That's all I can tell you."

"I don't give a rat's patoot about hell. I care about you. Come on. Let's go get that hotel room. No disappearing on me in the middle of the night. You promise me, Dean Winchester. You promise that you will be there when I wake up tomorrow."

"I got a lot of things to do." He said as they dodged the rain going back to the car. "I'm trying to stay a step ahead of it all, and I'm not really succeeding." He looked at her as she sat in the passenger seat. "She started to bleed there you know." He'd bleached his own seat, all that tainted blood.

"I know." She said gently. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that." She could only imagine the pain he had felt. The helplessness, the loss. She carefully kept it that way too. She could control it if she needed to, and as much as Dean was bottling that grief up inside him, the pain must be intense. "And I don't have anything better to do, so if you have to take off somewhere... I might as well go along for the ride."

"I'm not going to Disneyland." Dean snapped as he went to the manager's office and came out with another key. "I'm serious. You can't help me. No one can. Just let me do my job."

"I'm not going to get involved in your job, but you need help, Dean. And not the sort that comes with a gun. You can pull yourself back from this, let me help you. Let us help you."

"Who's us?" He asked and held up his hand. "Don't you dare say Laura. I need her in a better place. Not following me around from one job to another. I don't want her watching me right now, she deserves better than that."

She looked at Dean and sighed. "Then maybe you should give her a better show." She said with a frown. "Promise me you won't leave with out me. Don't make me wait up all night watching to see if you are going to be taking off. I'll do it...And I will know if you are lying."

There was no escape from this woman. And Dean knew it would just be another body he was responsible for putting to rest at the end of it all. "Fine." He said. "I have plenty to do in the room anyway." Research the seals. Finish the weapons. Drink. More research and more drinking.

"I will see you in the morning... and we will go get breakfast before heading out of town." She said. "I'll buy next time." She told him. "Please, try and rest."

"Yeah, sure." Dean said. He tried to call his brother. And got the grating voice saying "The number you are trying to reach...." like always. He took a shower, dealt with his weapons, and watched bad TV. He tried not to sleep. Because she was there. And no matter how hard he tried to get her to blame him, she never would. And he couldn't take that.

She watched as he slept. She wanted to help him so much. She couldn't bear the thought of leaving though, she had promised that she would stay with him always and that was what she had planned to do. But she was beginning to wonder if the three miracles she was to perform were going to consist of healing his liver, repeatedly. He was working so hard at becoming a functioning alcoholic. That wasn't what she wanted for him. It hurt so much that he wasn't drinking to stop the pain. He was drinking to cause himself harm.

She slid her arms around him and rested her head against his. "I love you." She told him softly. Her job had not changed. She was still supposed to keep him held together, like some sort of mystic spit and bailing wire, but he was flying apart at the seams and she didn't know how to stop it.

Dean stirred in his sleep. "Why can't you hate me?" He mumbled in his sleep. Everything he should have done, but didn't, always came back in his sleep. Instead of throwing a tantrum at Castiel in the bar, he should have just headed up to Maine. Stopped it before she was even drug down to that basement of that school. Dropped her off somewhere with a new identity. She would have been safe, and even better, she would have been alive.

"Because I love you." She told him. "Because I will always love you, just rest my love, and know that I am here, and I always will be, and I will never hate you. I will never blame you." She told him as she kissed his brow.

"Just rest... "

He didn't wake up until Missouri pounded on his door. Rubbing his eyes, he opened the door. "Told you'd I'd be here." He said. "It's freaking early." He went to the coffee machine in his room, no coffee left and shook his head. "I need to take a shower."

Missouri was relieved to see that he had at least slept somewhat. She almost wished she had waited a little longer before showing up but somehow she knew it was time. "I'll go get the coffee from my room while you clean up." She said with a smile. It was a small step but it was a step in the right direction. One night's sleep. Now if he could just make a habit of it again.

Missouri thought he never slept. He was human, that was impossible. He hated sleeping though. Because sleeping meant he had to wake up. When he slept, he could pretend none of this had happened, and Laura was still alive, and Sam didn't have yellow eyes. Then he woke up, and every time he woke up, reality came crashing down on him. But he took his shower and met her by the Impala, slipping on sunglasses. "I don't know what you're trying to accomplish." He said.

She handed him a cup of coffee. "I'm trying to help you hold yourself together." She told him. "Because you are a good man, and I owe your daddy that much." She added before he could ask her why. "I'd hate to see you waste what these people have sacrificed to give you on self loathing and suicide." There was more than one way to commit suicide. She didn't know how the good lord defined suicide but she knew how she defined it, and Dean was on the fast track.

He scowled behind his sunglasses as he drank the coffee, welcoming the burn of the hot liquid down his throat. "I'm not suicidal." He said as he got into the car. "Just because I don't care if I live or die, doesn't mean I'm suicidal. But sure, fine, I'll be sure to fire rainbows out of my ass because everyone's decided they should die for me. Because that makes me a happy camper."

"How did you expect Sam to live when you sacrificed your self for him?" Missouri countered. "How did you feel when you made that decision? Was it worth it to you? Was Sam's well being worth the very expectation of hell itself? Right this minute, if you could only change that one thing in your life, would you change it even now?" She asked. "Knowing what hell is, and how things would go?"

"I'm not even supposed to be here!" Dean shot back. "Dad cut a deal to bring me back, I wasn't even supposed to be alive. And yes, it was worth it, I'd do it again. Is that what you wanted to hear? That no matter how horrible it was, no matter the horrible things I did, I'd do it again, because it meant Sam was alive. I don't know what you want me to tell you. He brought me back to keep Sam safe. And I'm not doing that. The only other thing I can do is stop these damn seals from opening, give Sam a chance to right himself."

"Is that why you think your daddy brought you back? Oh honey, no... he brought you back for the same reason you brought Sam back. Because he loved you more than anything else in this world. The same reason Laura gave her life for you. I don't expect rainbows, but I do expect you to understand and maybe look at this from the other side. You've been there, Dean. When the choice was to let someone you loved die or make that ultimate sacrifice. This isn't a punishment, honey. Life isn't a punishment."

"Yes it is." Dean said firmly as he drove. "When at the end of the day, you look around at what's left of my life, it's a punishment. Mom? Dead. Dad? Dead. Girlfriend? Dead.. Brother? Was dead, but now he has yellow eyes, was tortured by angels, and I'm not allowed to talk to him. Bobby? Little problem with communication there. So what's left? A history of meaningless hook ups, a rap sheet a mile long, and calling sleazy motels home. Yeah, it's punishment. That at the end of the day, no matter what I do, I'm the one left standing. I'm the one that's standing next to the pyres as they burn."

"A lot of lives saved along the way. It hasn't all been miserable for you, has it? Your life? There has been happiness. There can be again. I know that's not possible right now. It's too new. Too raw, but there can be again. One day this war will be over, and you and Sam are going to need each other."

Dean pulled into the diner and got out of the car. "I don't want to talk about it." He said. If this were Sam, it would have been an endless stream of 'shut up, Sammy, shut up Sammy, shut up, Sammy.' But somehow shut up Missouri didn't have the right flow.

Missouri let it drop for now. Seeds planted needed time to grow. He would never be the same young man she remembered from Kansas. He would never have that same quick, charming smile, but maybe, just maybe, one day he could find his will to live again.

Dean ate by default. Because if his mouth was full, he wasn't expected to talk. Missouri was big on manners. No feet on her coffee tables, and no talking with his mouth full. So he kept eating. He wanted to vomit, but he kept shoving it down. "I have to work now." He said. Another freaking seal. Maybe this would be the one to end it all.

"If I wait at the motel, will you come back for me?" She asked, looking him in the eyes. At least he had eaten. She knew why he had eaten, and she could live with that. Whatever worked. Maybe a few more days of this and his stomach would remember that it liked to be full. Maybe his body would take up nagging where she left off.

He gave an aggravated sigh. "Fine." He said. "Just be ready to move when I get there. I don't leave a lot of fans behind."

"I won't even unpack. Can leave my over night bag in the car for all of that." She said. "Give a call and I can meet you out front." She told him. It was a good sign that he was willing to let her travel with him. Neither of them thought it would work long term, but he craved human contact as much as he wanted to avoid it.

Dean was ruthless. He didn't have much mercy in him any more. All these assholes trying to open up seals, they'd cost him everything he'd ever thought was worth living for. He often stitched himself up by the dashboard lights of the Impala, and tonight was no exception. He tied off the last stitch as he called Missouri. "Done." He said. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."

Missouri nodded. "I'll be waiting." She told him, and she hung up, wiping away the tears that had fallen. So much of Dean had been lost. Burned away not in the fires of hell, but in the aftermath. It broke her heart, because there was so little she could do.

Dean pulled up to the motel and waited for Missouri to get in. "Rule number one, no complaints on the music." He said. "Rule number two, stop talking about Laura like she's right here. She's not, and I can't believe that she is."

"I can't change what you believe." She said, not saying yes or no to the other. She could tolerate his music. Laura was there and Dean on one level knew she was there. Missouri saying so wouldn't change his perception or his denial. "So where are we going now?" She asked. That wasn't her mission anyway. Hers was to get him back on the path that included taking care of himself.

"Arkansas." Dean said. "Bunch of ignorant people trying to bring about the end of the world." That at least was one thing Dean couldn't be accused of. "Look, I know she's around, okay? And it's killing me. I can't touch her, I can't see her, I can't smell her...and she's like that because of me. That's a fact. She took a bullet meant for me, and now she's dead. So much freaking mess because of me."

"Not everything is because of you." She said gently. "Yes, honey, I know that she died saving your life. I know that you are being eaten alive by the guilt and the grief. I couldn't imagine that it would be any other way." She was relieved to hear him admit it. "You have to give yourself time to grieve. It won't ever be easy, but it will be easier to deal with in time. You know that already... "

"I don't have time." Dean said. "End of the world, remember? Israel and Palastine are playing patty cake now. Heard on the radio last night, really late, that a baby in Egypt was born with his eyes facing inwards. Not cross eyed, inwards. I don't have time. There's never enough time."

"Time passes at the same rate every day, Dean. Doesn't matter if you let yourself grieve or not. It passes. Grieving only feels all consuming. It's not something you have to do exclusively. But it is something you have to do, and you have to go through all the phases. Not just anger. It's the anger that's eating you alive. Guilt and anger. Fight the monsters, fight the men that want to bring hell to earth, but you have to stop fighting yourself. "

"Yeah I read that pamphlet too." Dean said. "Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Went through a bunch with Sam. I stopped at bargaining. You really want me to move past anger? I don't blame her, you know."

"You blame yourself." Missouri said. "But it isn't your fault either Dean. It's the monsters that created the virus in the first place. Bargaining will do nothing but leave Sam high and dry as the only one doing anything about the seals. At least the sort of bargaining you do." She pointed out.

"So moving through the stages of grief would be counter productive then." Dean said with a nod. "Thought so." He said as he drove.

"That isn't funny, not one little bit." Missouri said giving him a pointed look. "You are beating yourself up over things for nothing. This is like Sammy blaming himself for everything that has gone wrong in your lives, you do know he does that, right? Uses the same logic processes you do. Makes about as much sense to the rest of us as a driver's license for dogs. Neither one of you is to blame for the state of this world. Nor what it's done to your family."

"I know he does that." Dean said. "And he's wrong. But he's stubborn, thanks Dad for that genetic gift." He said with a chuckle. "Keeps us alive long after we should be dead, but you can't convince us of shit."

"He also gave you that genetic gift of selective hearing." Missouri pointed out. "I encountered that stubborn streak before Sammy was ever born. You do realize I said neither of you are to blame, didn't you? That would include you."

"Yeah, whatever." Dean said. "Can't change what you believe, remember?"

"I can't, but you can." Missouri said softly. "But you don't want to... the pain is easier."

"Excuse me? Pain is easy?" Dean asked. "You've got to be kidding me. What did you do? Read that on a cutter bumper sticker?"

"It's easier than letting go." She told him. "Because once the guilt is gone, and the anger and the pain subside, you think there won't be anything left at all."

"There won't be." Dean admitted. "I've got nothing left to give. I really don't. Every time something ends, something else begins. Killed Azazel, lost Sam. Got Sam back, went to hell. Ripped out of hell, lost Sam again, along with absolutely everything else. I've got nothing left to give."

"You haven't lost Sam." Missouri said. "That is temporary. He's working on it. He still loves you. So what if his eyes are yellow? He is still Sam. This war will be over one day. Come hell or high water, you and Sam will see each other again. Don't ask me how I know that... I just know. "

He crossed into Arkansas and pulled into the first motel he came to. "Doesn't change the fact that I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. Tired of losing. Even when we win, we lose." Dean said. "And I can't do it anymore."

"I wish you didn't have to." She said honestly "I wish I could take even a little of the weight off of your shoulders. All I can do is make sure you know that you aren't really alone. I'm not gonna be on the road with you forever but I will always be there for you . One way or another."

"Yeah I hear that a lot." Dean said with a chuckle. He had too. Apparently everyone was 'with' him and 'there for him' without even being there. He shook his head, realizing that even to his own inner ear he sounded like a whiny little bitch.

"I wouldn't say whiny... definitely wouldn't say bitch." Missouri said. "I would say lonely and on the brink of exhaustion, maybe a bit of a well justified breakdown. But not whiny." She told him. "I'm not a hunter, and I'm too old to start learning how to be one. Besides you and I would drive each other batty if we were trapped together for too long. But that doesn't mean you can't call me, even if it's just to hear another voice. Doesn't mean you aren't required to come by when you are anywhere near Kansas. I can try and find out anything I can about these seals and give you the information I can gather. You live in an all or nothing world, Dean. That makes these little gray shaded moments hard for you. I get that. But just because your brother can't be right by your side right now doesn't mean he doesn't want to be, or that you won't have him in your life again. You just have to make it through to the other side of this war as intact as you can keep yourself. "

"Can I just plan to make it through the day?" Dean asked. Long term plans never really worked out well for him.

"If you will actually plan to make it through the day instead of planning to find some way that isn't your fault exactly to not make it through the day... then yes. " She said. "Now, let's go find a couple of rooms and order in what ever it is you boys call food when out on the road. It's a miracle you survive on what we have been eating."

"Survive?" Dean said with a laugh. "Come on, you've seen Sam. Apparently Quikimart food does a body good. He's huge."

Missouri snorted. "You know what Sam is, I'm figuring he would have been like Goliath if it weren't for Quikimart food." She said. "And if your father hadn't trained you so hard, you both would have been as big around as me."

"Now that's pushing it." Dean said with a chuckle. Though, since his recovery from the virus, he'd lost weight. Alcohol was supposed to be loaded with calories, but you couldn't prove that by Dean.

"That youthful metabolism is only gonna stick with you so long." She told him, not at all unpleased with the chuckle. "One of these days, all those cheeseburgers and double chocolate milk shakes are going to catch you up." She said and looked him over. "And they better be about it quick too. You get any leaner and you are going to turn into one of those card board cutouts they make you stand next to for photographs at the county fair."

"Thought you just said I should start watching my weight?" He said with a raised eyebrow. "Or is this one of those woman things I just shouldn't touch with a ten foot pole?"

"What I said was that if you weren't so active you would have become overweight. But all that lack of eating and sleeping and the extra drinking is making you thin enough to blow away in a good gust of wind. And I dare say you encounter those a fair amount in your line of work."

"A couple of times." He allowed. "I sleep when I'm tired, and I do sleep, and I eat when I'm hungry. I'm just not hungry."

"Depression can lead to not feeling hungry or sleepy, and eventually the body just decides it doesn't need to eat or sleep as much when it still does. You have to take care of your body like it was this car or one of your guns, because it's the best weapon you have, Dean. That and your mind, which can't function without fuel or rest either." Maybe if she shifted the focus a little, he would be able to bring himself to take care of himself.

"I appreciate the concern." Dean said. "But I'm fine. No worries, even if I wanted to die, I wouldn't be allowed to."

Missouri shook her head. "So much like your father." She said a little sadly. "Well come on... let's get some food in you and a place to rest for the night."

"So is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Dean asked. "When you keep saying I'm like Dad. And what do you owe him anyway?"

"Depends on what part of you I am seeing, baby... depends on what part I am seeing." She said sadly. "As for what I owe... he was my friend. Some debts aren't so much in payment for a deed done, more just... because of who he was and who I am."

"Dad....if he was here, he'd know what to do." Dean said as he got them rooms. "And you know, he spent 120 years in hell. One hundred and twenty years. Came out through that gate, and he was Dad. I'm not as strong as him, Missouri, I wish I was, but I'm not."

"Not to disillusion you, because I would never want you to think less of your father, but he didn't always know what to do. He was just as scared and alone as you are, you boys held him together, you know. If it weren't for you two, he would have drowned himself in a bottle and pursued the demon until it killed him. And we don't know how he would have been if he had been forced to live every day here on earth after hell. He went on to heaven because he didn't make the deal for selfish reasons. He did it to save you, just as you sacrificed yourself to save Sam. That kind of love doesn't go unnoticed. You see him through the eyes of an adoring son and that's how it should be, but just remember, he was human, just like the rest of us. He had moments of doubt, weeks, sometimes years at a stretch where all he could see was your mama dying and he hurt so bad with it that he couldn't bear to draw another breath. He forgot how to find that happiness in the moment."

He knew the feeling. But didn't say anything. He didn't want to get into it again. Only so many platitudes he could face right now. And that's all they were, were platitudes. That one day this would be over, it wouldn't always hurt, his brother wasn't lost. Never any proof. Just words.

"That's what I see in you from your father right now." She told him. "And don't think you are standing there in his shadow either." Missouri said. "Come on... you look tired."

Dean had to chuckle at that. He always looked tired. He knew that. But until Missouri was back in Lawrence, he'd pretend to sleep. He'd shove the food he didn't feel like eating around his plate so it looked like he was eating. He could fake it. "Yeah, it was a long drive." He agreed.

"I'll know if you don't really eat." She said bluntly. "You can't get up early enough in the morning to pull the wool over these eyes."

****

Bobby was checking the arsenal with Pamela. Pamela wasn't doing much, but she was there with him. "I feel like we're losing bits and pieces of Sam." He said quietly. "The more demons that come around, the less of Sam is left."

"The less of Dean there is around Sam, the less of Sam there is left." She told him in return. "I don't know what that angel did to him, but it triggered something, like a cascade effect. I don't know how to bring him back." She was worried too, had been from the beginning. That was why she had come to join up with him, to be honest.

"And I'm not sure how much of Dean is left in Dean." Bobby said with sigh. "I don't know how much more these kids can take before they break. I'm surprised they haven't broken yet, actually."

"Maybe they have." Pamela said. "They weren't ... all together... when I first met them. They've been holding on with spit and bailing wire for a long time. I think they are reforging themselves into something different, and I don't know that any of us are going to survive what's coming."

"That's not reassuring." Bobby said with a shake of his head. "Can we fix this? Last time I talked to Missouri, Dean had turned into a hard core John. Sam's the same way, just a different angle."

"No... I don't think we can." She said, her heart breaking as she said it. "I think all we can do is be here and patch the leaks as we find them... hope it holds him together long enough to get through this. Maybe when it's all done, the two of them can heal each other if there is anything left of either of them to give."

"Not good enough." Bobby said gruffly. "I owe them and their daddy more than that."

"If you have a plan, I'm all ears." She said. "I would do anything to have Sam back right now." Pamela was occasionally scared of what lurked deep in the heart of the young man.

"I've got some pictures in the truck. Of Sam and Dean and their daddy when they were kids." Bobby said. "If we can tear him away from the demon horde long enough, we might be able to remind him that he's human. In spite of everything."

"It's worth a shot. He's distancing himself from everyone. He's afraid of losing anyone else." Pamela said with a sigh. "The only sign that he is still with us is that he is intent on protecting us... and keeps trying to call Dean every day. I would love to get my hands on who ever is blocking their conversations."

"Probably not a good idea." Bobby said. "Remember what they did to you without their hands?" He pointed out. Convinced it was some faction of angels, fallen or otherwise, most likely otherwise, that was impeding communication.

"Yeah I know. But the thought is satisfying at least. Let Sam send another one to hell." She said. "They deserve it. At least the demons are honest about where they stand in things. Evil as hell, and not my usual buddies, but you know where they stand and can see the knife at your throat."

"And sometimes I look at Sam, and wonder when he's going to be holding the knife. This is his environment now. He's surrounded himself with pretty much nothing but demons. The only reason we're around is because he needs your visions and he needs me safe." Bobby said. "Because at the end of the day, he's sure he won't survive and he'll need me to piece together his brother."

"It's a good sign that he still cares about Dean." She said. "And I don't think that's all he cares about where you are concerned. He still cares about you, Bobby. "

"We're all hoping." Bobby said. "But you can't see his eyes. Oh, I'm not talking about the color, it's what's behind them. And it's damn scary, even for an old roughneck like me."

"He's preparing to die, and go to hell. " Pamela said. "I think he is letting his humanity go early, figures he's buying Dean precious time. " She figured he didn't think Dean would look at him the same now, so it didn't matter if he lived or died into the bargain.

Bobby rubbed his temples. "Okay, I'm taking him out on guy time. Go to a dive bar, throw back some beer, remind him that he's human after all. Can you handle it here? Don't want him to feel we're ganging up on him."

"Yeah I can handle it here. Sam's made it pretty plain that they are to leave me alone." Pamela said. "You go and do what you have to do. I hope it works out how you plan. Sam needs it. " Or they might just all be lost.

Bobby nodded and headed back to the area where Sam was. "How about we get some beer in town?" He said, clapping the younger man on the shoulder.

Sam looked over at him and thought about saying no. He was focused on the task at hand, which whether his demon compatriots knew it or not, it was for the sole purpose of making Dean's job easier. Taking out as many of the seals as they could before the final battle was upon them.

"Sure." He said instead. Bobby had to be hating this place, surrounded by demons. It would be safe enough to go out for a beer. Right?

"Good." Bobby said and grabbed the keys to his car. "Let's go, I'm parched." He was relieved that Sam went so easily. He wasn't so lost after all.

Sam followed Bobby out side and got into the car with him. "You worry too much, you know." He told the man that was like a father to him. "I'm fine."

"I believe that as much as I believe it when your brother says it." Bobby said. "As much as when your daddy said it. From the mouth of a Winchester, 'I'm fine' is a guaranteed lie and you know it."

Sam chuckled softly. "I guess so." He said. "But you still worry too much. Okay so I'm not fine, I'm not that bad off either. Just got an eye problem, that's all." He put on the sunglasses he had taken to wearing. "Haven't figured out how to make them brown again. Or at least look that way."

"I ain't talking about your eyes, boy." Bobby said. "Those are the least of my worries. I'm concerned about what's going on inside you. Feels like you're slipping away, and that worries me. We lost your daddy, I'm not losing you boys."

"You're gonna have to eventually, Bobby. There's no way around that for me." He told the older man. "But that day isn't today. I'm still here. I just… any sign of weakness is like baring my throat to them. Demons, angels, hunters, present company excluded."

"None of us live forever." Bobby pointed out. "But your day isn't coming for a long time, you hear? I mean that. You don't want to show weakness, that's fine. But converting to full on demon, like you're either trying to do or fake doing, is a weakness too."

"I've never had a choice, Bobby. Mom gave me over to the demon long before Dean or I were even thought of. Heaven won't let me fight beside my brother. Won't even let me talk to him, Bobby. This is all I can do. Weakness or not."

Bobby pulled into the bar, grabbed a couple of beers and led Sam into a booth way in the back, where he could take off his sunglasses if he wanted to. "Forget Heaven, forget Hell." He said and poked Sam in the chest. "What's this tell you? This tell you don't have a choice in anything."

"It's telling me that every woman I have ever slept with is dead." He told Bobby. "It tells me that I got my brother sent to hell, when he didn't deserve to be there… it tells me that I'm just marking time until someone else I care about dies or pays the cost for something I should be paying for. What I am, and what I am becoming… doesn't matter because the end of the road would be the same for me no matter what. I have to use … what ever it is they gave me… to at least win this fight. Because that's all there is."

"You're not listening then. You've got a brother who willingly went to hell to keep you alive. You've got a father that willingly went to hell to keep your brother alive. See a cycle here you might want to break?" Bobby said. "The ends justifying the means works in fairy tales, Sam, not real life."

"There's a difference Bobby. A big one. Dad and Dean made choices that took them there when they didn't deserve to go… me… I was condemned from the night Azazel tainted me with his blood. That has been made pretty plain to me. but while we're on the subject... when Dean and I were still riding together... he said he would do it again. I'm counting on you to keep him from making that mistake again. He can't save me... all he can do is postpone the inevitable."

"That's usually enough for your brother." Bobby said. "Maybe you should rethink your approach. You would do anything to keep your brother safe, and he'd do anything to keep you safe."

"What do you suggest I do, Bobby? Do you see any options that I don't? Cause you me and Pamela can't do this on your own anymore than Dean can. Not with the angels out to kill me. The only thing keeping them away is they don't want to try the express elevator to hell I sent their brother on. Can't do that without the demons to drag em down after I cast them out."

"The point is, it's a cycle with your family. How do you propose I stop Dean from doing something stupid? Tell him not to?" Bobby asked. "Because that always works so well with you boys."

"I don't know. Knock him out until the mood passes…" Sam said, taking a long drink of his beer. "Hopefully no one will talk to him. That's why Dean was in hell for as long as he was. None of the demons would take a deal. I tried Bobby… I begged and pleaded and finally just killed the fucking bastards."

"You could just not die." Bobby suggested. "I don't do so well when you boys die."

Sam smiled a little. "It's a good plan. But they told me that the only reason they let me live at all was because I was useful. Once this is over with… that usefulness goes away. I don't think there is any chance of me just… not dying. I'm not gonna lay down and take it. Don't worry about that. I'm not anxious to die."

"The problem is, your brother is." Bobby said. "After Laura, you, everything, add that into his own sense of utter worthlessness, he's counting the days. Last I talked to Missouri, she was going to try to get him to to an AA meeting."

"He was headed down that road when he first came back from hell. He still sees it… waking, sleeping… he sees it. Drowns it in alcohol. Like Dad always used to do when it got rough." Sam said. "I keep trying to get in touch with him. But it's blocked. Make sure he knows that… when he's ready to hear it."

"He knows." Bobby said. "He tries too. This is why I'm not a man of religion. So much for mercy and forgiveness." He finished his beer and ordered another one. "Your brother won't do so well if you die. You already know that, that's why he made the deal in the first place. you won't do so well if he dies , we know that, because we saw it. So how about your boys try to live?"

"Only so long a guy can fight Bobby. I'm not a fool. The demons are only following until we make sure Hell is kept in its place. After that, all bets are off. How long do you think I can hold off heaven and hell, Bobby? I'm not planning to give up and die. I just don't think there is much way to avoid it."

Dean looked at Missouri. They were three hours outside Lawrence, where he'd drop her off. But she wanted to stop in this one town and get something to eat. Fine. Except they were outside a community center. "What's going on?" He asked her.

"Baby, I know you don't want to hear this… but you have a drinking problem." Missouri said. "And you need help to deal with that. Help that I can't give you." She told him. "I called Ellen and she got me in touch with another hunter… one that has a similar problem… someone you can talk to and he's willing to act as your sponsor."

"Excuse me?" Dean said. "Let me get this straight. You want me to walk into an AA meeting, and tell everyone I drink, too much in your opinion, because I just got back from Hell. Either they'll think I'm still drunk, which I might be by the time I get in there, or the hunters will ownder what the hell I'm doing back, and we all know w hat's dead should stay dead, so you'll put me and my brother, two people that have died but come back, on their radar when we're trying to save the world from Apocalypse. I"m fine, Missouri."

"I'm sure you have enough sense not to tell him everything." She said, giving him a look. "But you can tell him about other things. And if someone were to test your blood alcohol right now, it would be high enough to land you in jail. You think I don't know that you carry a flask or that you refill it every night before you start drinking out of the bottle? You are an alcoholic, Dean. If anyone ever had a reason to be, it's you. I understand that, but you are killing youself. You are risking everything and every one with this."

"Look, honestly? You want me to sleep? It makes the flashbacks quiet enough that I can do that for an hour or two. You want me to eat? It stops my stomach from turning from the mere memory of what I've done. You can't have it all, Missouri." He said. "Besides, Hi, I'm Dean and I'm an alcoholic doesn't have quite the same ring as Refill please."

"How does sorry I lost the war because I was too drunk and exhausted to shoot straight ring in your ears?" She said. "How does Sorry I let you down Sam but I'm too numb to get through to you ring? Baby, you want to forget, and I wish that I could take it all from you. I do… but that's not a luxury you have."

"This is why I drink." Dean said, shaking his head. "Apparently the whole god damn world is depending on me to do something great. The, afterwards, I have to save my brother. Pressure doesn't even come close to describing it. I'm not going to lose this war, but I'm going to try not to go insane doing it too. The less I remember about hell, the better it is."

"Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, the reason you were chosen … is because of what you know about hell?" Missouri asked. "That maybe the reason you are the only hunter that can do the job… is what you know?"

"Then that's just torture." Dean said. "Everyone thinks they know about hell. Even Sam, he thinks he has an idea. None of you do. And to ask someone to replay it over and over? Forget going down in battle. I might blow my own brains out."

"I don't think I have an idea about hell." Missouri said gently. "I could… if I wanted to look deeper, but I don't think either of us could handle that right now." She told him. "Dean… alcohol doesn't make anyone forget anything worth forgetting. It makes you numb, until there is nothing left but the driving need to become numb again."

"Numb is good." Dean said. "I'm not going in there. I'm not talking to some hunter with a drinking problem. But I'll get ahold of Castiel, and I'll tell him everything I remember from hell."

"Dean… you are some hunter with a drinking problem. I am sure that most hunters wind up with a drinking problem." She said. "It's nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of… it's something to fix… and being numb doesn't fix anything."

"It's not going to get fixed. The reason is I sold my soul and I went to hell. And I can't tell him that, not without getting a hunt on my ass, which means the reason you want me to sort out won't be sorted out anyway. Can't sort it out. It's hell. It stays with you. It rips you apart long after you're ripped out of it." He sighed. "We can make it back to Lawrence before dark if we leave now."

"He's not signing up to be your confessor, or your shrink. He is signing up to talk you out of taking another drink. No one fixes the problem first and then stops. You stop and then you get a handle on how to cope with it. Every day…for the rest of your life, you cope with it. Without the headache, without the nausea, without the smell of liquor on your breath and clothing. Without it lingering in your car. You don't have to tell him about hell. You just have to use him as a crutch until you can stand on your own."

He glared at her when she brought up the car. His car. His precious car. "We're driving back to Lawrence. I'll buy you dinner there." He said, flatly. "I don't have time to use anyone as a crutch. I have a couple more seals to stop, remember?"

"You don't have time not to." She said firmly. "You can't do this anymore. It's literally eating you alive. Have you looked in that rear view mirror of yours? Take a look, Dean. Look at those eyes. Look at your face. Who the hell is gonna trust you and talk to you if you look like you're 4 days into a 10 day drunk?" She said. "You're a con artist, baby. You do it for the right reasons, but that's the truth. You need people to trust you, talk to you, tell you what you need to know so that you can stop these seals, save people, get through every day of your life."

Dammit she had a point. He got out of the Impala and went into the building, not caring if Missouri was behind her, slamming the door behind him. "I'm here under duress." He announced the hunter. "I figure an hour staring at the walls will convince her I tried to do something."

"Sure, I get that. It's always hard when its coming from someone else and not yourself." He said. "Especially for men like us. So when was your last drink?" He asked. This was going to be a hard one to crack. But he was standing here. Whether he thought he wanted to be here or not, he was there, and he didn't have to be.

"Ten minutes ago." Dean said, with a hint of his old trademarked grin on his face. "Why? Want some?" His flask was on him. It was always on him. Not necessarily a drunk thing, sometimes it was filled with holy water.

"Come on… let's go get some coffee before the meeting starts." He said, ignoring the offer. "Name's Adam by the way." He offered his hand to shake Dean's.

Dean shook his hand. "Adam. I"m Dean. And this is a waste of time. Time is something I don't have a lot of." He said bluntly. He hadn't planned to stay for the whole meeting. He'd have to think fast to get out of this one as he took a cup of coffee. "You been watching the signs?"

"I have." He said as he led the way to the coffee pot. "You really think with all that going on, we have time to waste it in the bottom of a bottle?" He asked handing Dean a cup of black coffee before pouring one of his own.

"Whatever gets you through the day." Dean said. "We've all got demons, not all of ours are easy to forget."

"If you've managed to forget something with drinking, I want to know what it is you found to drink cause I have never forgotten a damned thing, other than where I was the night before." He said with a chuckle."The same old shit was still there the next day. Usually it was the son of a bitch in my head with the sledge hammer beating out the same old tune day in and day out."

"That's why you should listen to Metallica. Then it's hard to tell if the pounding is in your head or your speakers." Dean said. "It makes you not care. And that's really not so bad. If you don't care that you've been to hell and back," a nice harmless phrase, "then the pain doesn't matter."

"That's like trying to douse a fire with gasoline." He said. "The pain is what it's all about. If you don't process the pain, it never dulls. Not even with alcohol. And one day, when you are toasted and pretending you don't feel the pain, you make a stupid mistake… and you kill someone. A human being that didn't deserve it. Or your partner buys the farm because you aren't on top of your game."

"So which did you do?" Dean asked. He scanned the incoming crowd and glanced at the clock, wondering how to make a quick exit.

"Both. Same trip out. Old fashioned werewolf hunt. Got things mixed up in my head… thought the wrong person had been bitten, was in a hurry and didn't check it out first… the one that did get bitten came after my partner."

"That does suck." He said as he splashed some whiskey into his coffee. No choice, the coffee was truly bad, even by his standards, which when it came to food, were pitifully low. "How long does one of these take? I still gotta drive more."

"Trying to be shocking? Or maybe prove that you don't want this? I guess the real question should be who are you trying to prove anything to? We're hunters. Damned for all intents and purposes to fight a war we didn't ask for. Welcome to the life. Pain is a part of it. You can't handle it, get a day job and put away the silver and rock salt, don't go out there drunk as a skunk and slam your car into a carload of teenagers, or screwing up the job for someone else to clean up after you, cause that's where this road you are on ends."

"I don't have a choice." Dean said sadly. "And this war has cost me absolutely everything. If I'm sober, I teeter on the edge of insane, and that's even worse. Trust me, that's even worse."

"There are still things to lose, things you can cost other people. I don't know the source of your pain, don't need to. Like you said, we all have our demons. But you have added another demon to your back with that bottle. You give up control every time to drink it. You let it take over. You let it be more important than anything else. You can tell yourself that it's to keep sane, and it probably started that way, but when you can't put it down, it's in control, not you."

"They make you memorize that speech in the first or second meeting?" Dean asked. Sounded like a bunch of bull to him. Stopping drinking wouldn't put him any more in control than he was now. Pulled this way and that way by wars fought long before he was conceived. Trying to save a brother who believed he was damned. Being bothered by angels. Unable to sleep. None of that would end if he put the bottle down.

"When you get up in the morning, what's the first thing you think about while you are making your way to the can?" He asked.

"The very first thing?" Dean said. "Well, considering some of the beatings I've been taking lately, it's whether I'm going to piss yellow or red. The second is will my stitches hold? Then the third is where did I put the damn tequila? Happy?"

"I'm betting it's what crosses your mind anytime it isn't occupied by something else. When you are working a job, when you're driving down the road, when you're crawling into bed at night. I'm betting that you don't even feel drunk half the time. So you are drinking more and more to try and achieve that numbness you think it's giving you."

"You a hunter or a shrink?" Dean asked suspiciously and shook his head. "Fine, I drink too much. I don't plan to live out the year anyway, so why bother? By the end of the year, my entire family will be dead. The whole world could be dead too. Why waste that time sober and sulky?"

"Because maybe, just maybe if you are sober and sulky, it might not end. What are you going to do if it doesn't end… end it? I don't have to be a shrink to tell you what you're thinking. You forget, I'm an alcoholic. I know. Most days I still get up and wonder where the hell I put the damned bourbon. And then I remember that I'm a sorry bastard who doesn't deserve to feel sorry for myself. "

"I don't feel sorry for myself. I did this, no one else." Dean said. "I knew what I was doing and I did it any way. Guilt, that's what I feel." He'd dragged his brother to look for their father, giving Azazel opportunity to kill Jessica. His father had died for him, after he had missed an opportunity to kill Azazel. He hadn't been quick enough to save his brother. He'd had to improvise, and that had sent him literally to hell. He'd done every bit of it himself. "And I'd feel it sober too."

"So you would feel it sober too… sounds like you feel it when you're drunk." He said. "Makes that whole drinking thing make less sense, doesn't it?"

"I don't drink so I don't feel it." He said. "I drink so I don't care. There's a difference. It's not going to go away but I'd rather not fall into self pity, or whining. So it helps me not care."

"Not damned likely." He said. "I would rather deal with a whining ,self pitying mama's boy with a gun doing the job, than a drunken sod who is gonna be clumsy and fumble the ball."

Dean smirked, but his eyes were alit with green fire. "I never fumble the ball." He said. "You don't have to worry about that." Then he threw out his untouched coffee and stalked out of the room, back into the Impala. "If you have to go to the bathroom, tell me now, otherwise we're going straight through." He said to Missouri, hands clenched on the wheel and looking straight ahead.

"No… I think I will be just fine." She said. Dean wouldn't be fine by any stretch of the imagination. And he would be angry with her for a long time to come but he was on the right path now, and that was all anyone could hope for. Or more to the point, it's what everyone had to hope and pray for.

Dean drove in silence, and was too weary to fight with Missouri when she insisted he spend the night. So he was in her tiny guest bedroom staring at the wall. In these moments, the quiet ones, that was whe nhe missed. He missed his father, who always knew what to do. He missed his mother, and clung to the fading memories of her that he had. He missed his brother, and not even God knew how Sam was right now. He missed Laura, the one person that could chase the demons away for a little while. The voice, the screams, the nightmares.

Dean didn't like to be alone. When he was alone, he thought. And he never liked where his thoughts went. He was turning the bottle of tequila over and over in his hands, watching the liquid slosh around inside the glass. A clock somewhere in the house was ticking, and it was driving him mad. He left the room and tracked it down, stopping the clock. Feeling for a split second like he was stopping time, and it felt good.

He needed a glass, so he went into the kitchen and foundn a glass. He looked at the bottle for a long time. Since he'd stopped the clock, he didn't know long. But finally he let the unopened bottle slip from his finger tips into the trash can. Filled the glass up with water, returned to the room, and fell into a restless sleep.

Laura eased into the bed, closing ethereal arms around him. She said nothing. Did nothing that would rouse him. She merely stayed, and watched over him as he slept. He would get worse before he got better, but he would get better. She was sure of that. She would make sure of that.


	12. Dont Cry

Don't Cry

I thought I could live in your world  
As years all went by  
With all the voices I've heard  
Something has died

________________________________________

Alex looked at the river and whistled lowly. "This can't be good." The demon said to Bobby Singer. "This is the fourth river we have come across with nothing living in it. It smells like boiled fish out here too."

Bobby knelt by the river and examined one of the fish that had washed up. "This ain't one of those seals you can stop. It's not a seal. It's a sign." He said, looking around. "This is in no way good." They were losing. They were doing everything they could and they were still losing.

"Yeah, well, there are more signs than seals these days. It's getting closer." The demon said and actually looked a little fearful. "We aren't gonna be able to stop this. It's coming down to the wire. We're talking weeks if we are lucky. Then hell comes to us."

"You forget who's working on this." Bobby said. "Winchesters work best on a deadline and by the seat of their pants. It's not over yet."

"Sam is doing all he can. It just might not be good enough. Hope that hidey hole you have at your place is big enough for a small army." Alex said and turned to walk away. "He said to meet him at a bar in town. Thinks there is more going on here than dead fish and a hot river."

"Always is." Bobby said with a sigh. "And you better hope they stop this. Because my hidey hole as you call it, demons can't enter it. It's why I created it. Well, let's not keep Sam waiting."

Sam was looking over the extended book of revelations and he was frowning. The river had been boiling not long ago. The animals were dropping dead. Everyone was wandering around talking about possible seismic activity, maybe some new volcanic hot bed was forming and the gasses were killing off the birds and fish, but Sam knew better.

"So what did you find?" Bobby asked, grabbing a beer and heading over to the booth Sam was hunched over. "Smells like a tuna factory out there. Smell ain't gonna get any better as the afternoon heats up."

"The church just outside of town has been desecrated. To the point that holy water made the ground sizzle." He said. "Two little girls have disappeared. They think they got lost in the woods and are going to drag the river for them."

Bobby shook his head. Those poor parents. If those little girls got into the river, all they'd find is two boiled meat sacks that looked nothing like their children. "Been hearing on the news about uproars and riots. Religious hysteria is building."

"Can't say I am surprised. Especially from the fundamentalist crowd. They have been waiting for this to start for as long as there have been fundamentalists. I don't think those girls are in the river. I think they are slated for sacrifice." He said as he turned the book toward Bobby so he could see what he was looking at.

Bobby scanned the page and dismay flooded his face. "All right, then we need to find those girls and get them out of town." He said.

"There isn't much time. I figure if we don't find them by sundown, we aren't going to. "Sam said. "If we can't find the girls we have to wipe the town." He knew the odds weren't in the girls' favor. But he also knew that if he didn't give Bobby at least a little time to try and find them he would never forgive him. "We can't afford to let another seal be broken."

"Sam!" Bobby said, his jaw on the floor. "This town has twenty thousand people in it. You can't just wipe a whole town."

"We have to stop the seal. We have two ways to do that. We get the girls out of town or we get rid of the town. Letting this seal get broken is not an option. We can't afford to lose another." It was a matter of logic, really. Twenty thousand, verses the whole world. Sam would have to choose the world.

Bobby finished his beer. "Guess I better start looking then." He said and looked at his watch. "I'll let you know when I find them."

"Bobby… " Sam said. "Take Pamela with you. She might be able to help. But if you don't find them, you two get out of town before sun down. I mean it."

Bobby nearly asked 'and if I don't?' But didn't at the last minute. Because he didn't want to know what the answer would be to that. This was heart breaking enough, hearing the words that were already said, and hearing them in Sam's voice. So instead he nodded and adjusted his cap. "Wish me luck."

"Devon, you take a few of the boys and make a sweep of the town as well. Help out as much as you can." He said as he got to his feet. He had things he needed to do as well. He had to set things up to blow the town if they couldn't find the girls in time. He really did hope Bobby found the children in time. But he didn't have a lot of faith.

Bobby and Pamela made a frantic sweep. He was an excellent tracker, and she was a honed psychic. But finally the sun set.

"If I stay right here," Bobby asked Pamela, "do you really think he'll do it?"

Pamela looked heartbroken. "Yes… I do." She hated saying it but this wasn't their Sam anymore. He was hardened in ways she couldn't understand. Couldn't reach. "Let's go before we find out the hard way."

Bobby took Pamela's arm and raced toward his car, calling Sam. "Sam, give me three minutes to get beyond the town limits." He said. He was, after all, leading a blind girl.

There was a sigh of relief on the other end. "You've got it." Sam said. He hadn't wanted to kill Bobby or Pamela. But he couldn't let another seal slip through his fingers. "Call me when you are out."

"Just stay on the line then." Bobby said as he slammed on the accelerator, the roaring and gunning of the engine clearly heard over the phone. "Getting past the last main strip now." Dammit, he was going to do it. And he would have done it even if Bobby tried to stay. He wiped at his eyes as he drove fast.

Sam waited for the car to cross out of the city limits then nodded curtly to the demons surrounding him. Their hosts slumped to the ground and the demons descended upon the city like the angel of death from the Ten Commandments. A dark inky blackness swirling through the buildings and roads, blanketing it in a think black fog.

The ground shook and screams filled the air, from below as fires burst forth from all corners, explosions rocked the buildings, leveling the town in mere minutes, leaving it a burned and barren wasteland. The blackness returned, and one by one the demons host bodies rose to their feet.

Bobby watched from his car, just beyond the limits. "My god." He said in horror. "The kid just leveled a town with demons." There was nothing left. Not a skeleton, not a building, nothing but parched, burned earth and remnants of smoke.

Pamela's face was covered in tears, her slender body wracked with sobs. The psychic had felt it all, had seen it in ways that Bobby couldn't. "We've lost him." She said finally. "We've finally lost him."

Sam and the others walked slowly, casually toward their cars, as though nothing had happened. Just another night at work.

"Dammit." Bobby said. "He did this to prevent one seal, and he might have opened another because of it." Himself. "What would Dean do in this situation? I know what John would do, and it's not helpful."

"Dean would try and literally beat some sense into his brother, but I don't think it's a good idea to take that tactic with him right now. " Pamela said. "I don't think anyone other than Dean would get away with it and I'm not sure the demons would let him get that close."

"Let's face it, if Dean were here, the demons wouldn't have a choice." Bobby said, shaking his head. "I don't know what we're going to do now. We've managed to keep Sam as Sam for a few months now, but apparently the clock ran out."

"The question is do we stay here with Sam or do we go and try and find Dean to help him." They might be able to leave. Sam was getting more distant every day. He might not care if they disappeared with how this had turned out. He would have killed them if he had to in leveling the town. He had become that cold.

"I don't know that Dean is much better. I haven't talked to Missouri in a while, but last update Dean was an angry drunk with a death wish." Bobby said.

"Which one is the better bet on being able to help?" Pamela said. "Maybe we should find some neutral location and do our best to help both of them. Has to be some way to keep the angels and demons off our ass. If both boys know where we are… maybe we can help them find each other."

"It's worth a shot." Bobby said. "Let's get to a hotel and see where we'll stand after all this." Sam had rented out a floor on a hotel for his demon buddies and his human buddies.

"Alright." She didn't want to go back there. Not after what had just happened. She couldn't look at Sam the same way. It was as though he was a completely alien creature now. She blamed Uriel and those like him. They had broken Sam's faith, his hope, and his soul. He had been salvageable until the day Uriel had taken him prisoner. Those weeks he had been tortured had altered him. Not merely his eyes.

"We need to eat." Bobby said. "And rest somehow. Anyway, all our stuff is there. We'll figure this out. Can't wait to see how the news covers this one though."

"They are down playing everything. " She said. "All the earth quakes, the riots, the droughts and floods and everything else is being down played, but they know… they know what's coming. They don't realize it's hell, they thing the earth is just self destructing, but they know."

"Yeah, maybe." Bobby said as they got to the hotel. They took turns showering and ordered room service. Then Bobby turned on the TV, and started out of his chair. "Sam!" He yelled down the hall. "You better get in here, boy."

Sam was down the hall at a run, something in Bobby's tone told him it was urgent. He came in and looked at the TV and smiled, the first genuine smile in a very long time. He was looking at Larry King, seated across from Dean. The captioning listed him as John M. Osbourne. A theologian. A biblical scholar. He laughed out loud then and went to the phone, dialing the number shown on the screen. He gave the name Randall Rhoads to woman manning the switchboard.

"Dr Osbourne, you're telling me that the events happening now are right out of Revelations?" Larry King asked Dean.

Dean sat back in his chair, glasses on, in a nice suit. He figured it made him look more scholarly. He'd even fully shaved. "The signs are all there. But what's important for people to know is to not panic. By panicking and doing something stupid, they just feed into even more, making it worse."

"Some say that this is just the earth self destructing, environmental damage finally gone too far."

"Well, they'd be wrong. The greenhouse effect has nothing to do with Israel and Palestine uniting peacefully. Nor Europe uniting fully under a single government."

"That's interesting....world peace is considered a harbinger of end of days." Larry King said. "We'll take a call. The first is Randall Rhoads. Randall, you're on the air." Dean straightened up. Randall Rhoads? Oh that was good.

"Only your brother has the audacity to present himself as a Revelations expert using Ozzy's name." Pamela said with a laugh.

Sam cleared his throat. "So what is it you recommend people do, while they are not panicking?" He asked. "Hard not to with the rivers boiling and people beginning to starve due to the loss of so many crops because of the flooding and drought." He had to keep it on topic, but he could hear his brother's voice. See his brother's face, and know that he was okay.

Dean grinned at the sound of his brother's voice. Sam was alive. And able to make a coherent thought. And deliberately calling him, even if by a roundabout way. "I'd tell them to start practicing whatever religion they find comfort in. Whether Catholicism, Judaism, nature worship, or the sock puppet snake Alan Moore worships." He said. "Rioting's not the answer. Killing isn't the answer, and most certainly not is hysteria the answer. Things are bad. They're going to get worse. But if we face this together with a brotherly bond, I think we can make it."

"The sock puppet might be more effective than anything else you have named. After all, if we believe in the religions of the world, this was destined to happen. It's the trumpet heralding judgment day." One they both wanted to silence. "Maybe it's time to go back to the beginning."

"All religions also state redemption at the end." Dean said. "It's important also to remember that we're reading the words of men from thousands of years ago who were trying to tell a good story. But returning to the beginning of things is always a good place to try and figure out a problem. A man has two beginnings though, their innocence of childhood, or when they're forced into adulthood."

"While a man's childhood sets him on the path, it's the adult life that is the path. I would think the second is more symbolic, more significant. It's the adult life that is called to judgment, it's the man whose actions change the world for good or evil."

Dean nodded. He got it, even as Larry didn't. "It sounds like a good plan." He said. "Our choices do influence the world, every single one. For better or worse. It's important to make those choices for the better, and not let ourselves be consumed by fear and hysteria. By finding a path we can follow, we might have a chance, no matter how hard the road is." He was, after all, supposed to be calming people.

"Some roads are going to be blocked. Patience is required. But the world is on the fast track to hell. While panic is a mistake, difficult decisions have to be made or all is lost."

"Difficult decisions are always made." Dean said with a sigh. "Doesn't help when we're given a narrow frame work to work within."

"It seems to me that you're exchanging riddles with our callers." Larry interjected.

"Always am." Dean said with a slight grin.

"I should allow another caller to come through." Sam said. "I'm sure there is another that wants to talk to you." He knew Bobby would as well, and Sam had plans to make to get to Palo Alto. "Remember though, patience in all things." Just in case someone tried to stop one of them. Who ever got there first would have to wait. "And tried and true methods are best." They had a long established way of finding each other should they get separated.

"Thank you, Randall." Larry said as Sam hung up and Bobby grabbed the phone. "Our next caller is Andrea. Andrea, go ahead."

"Wow, Dr Osbourne, you are just the cutest doctorate I've ever seen!" Some woman gushed.

"Well, thank you." Dean said with a chuckle.

"Unbelievable. I can't get through because women want to hit on your brother." Bobby said.

"Oh, I believe it." Sam said with a grin. "Keep trying. You'll get through. I'll go get everyone off on the next mission while we go to Palo Alto in the morning." He wasn't going to greet his brother with a hoard of demons.

"You figured out Palo Alto from that conversation?" Pamela asked, amused.

"Going back to the beginning. Where it all started or where it was forced home and I was brought back into the hunt. The second location was Palo Alto. Where my fiancé was murdered." He said as he left the room.

Bobby sat down on the bed. "He might be lost to us, but he's not lost to Dean yet." Bobby said. "I'm clinging to that."

"I hope you are right. I do… but I have a bad feeling about this." Pamela said. "I don't know why, but I have a very bad feeling."

Dean pulled out of the studio, tossing the glasses into the back seat and stripping off his jacket. Loosening his tie, he called Missouri, since it was broadcast live. "You see that?" He asked Missouri. "Switchboard lady said I was a big hit with the female demographic." He said with a grin. "And did you hear Sam?" He needed someone else to have heard his brother, to prove that it really happened.

"I saw." She said. "And I heard. It was definitely Sam. Dean, you have to be careful in Palo Alto. Not because of Sam, I think you and Sam are going to be just fine, but there is something huge building and it's heading that way. I don't know what it is, but it will be there soon."

"Well, that's the last thing I want to hear." Dean said. "Something huge and I don't have a freaking army. At least Sam has an army from what I hear. Sure, it's made of demons, which is just freaky, but I'm getting sick of doing all the heavy lifting."

"I wish I could give you more information but my own visions are fuzzy. You two will meet up, and I don't know how but if all goes the way it should, everything will be put right. But if it goes wrong… oh don't let things go wrong. Wrong is the end of the world as we know it."

"Thought you said if I cut down on the booze life would get a little easier?" Dean said. "That sounds like false advertising to me."

"Imagine how much harder this would be to deal with when you can't walk a straight line." She said with a faint laugh. "It's almost over… one way or another this path is almost at its end. And you are going to face this with your brother at your side. Take faith in that." She said.

"Well, like you said, I'm a con man. And I'm nearly out of faith." As much as he had just told the nation to hold onto theirs. "But I've got perseverance. That will have to do."

"I think that will do nicely." He had faith, he just wouldn't let himself admit it and Missouri knew it. He had faith in Sam. She wasn't going to poke holes in that faith, simply because she didn't share it. He needed that faith in order to bring this nightmare to an end.

"It'll have to." Dean said. He was taking the back roads to Palo Alto, because the cities were in uproar. He didn't have time to get caught in all that. He didn't know where Sam was, but though patience was the name of the game, he didn't want Sam to have to wait too long.

Castiel appeared in the passenger's seat. "It's time." He said cryptically. He wasn't going to interfere with Dean and Sam's meeting. But he was going to help Dean prepare for it. It was time that met those who would stand at his back in the final battle.

"Gotta go." He said to Missouri and hung up the phone, looking at Castiel. "It's time for me to hang out with my brother. And not even hell is going to stop me this time, got it?" He said as he drove down a winding road at a breakneck speed in the dwindling light.

"I'm not here to stop you." Castiel said simply. "But it's time to meet your army. " He knew that Dean faced the most difficult battle of his young life. He was going to face it with the host of heaven behind him. But he had to know them to command them.

"Can we do it later? I'm in a rush." Dean said, then slammed on the brakes. There was an idiot standing in the middle of the road. He barely avoided hitting him. More importantly, he'd barely avoided wrecking his car. He got out of the car and walked over to the guy, who was still standing in the middle of the road. "You got a death wish or something?" He demanded. "I nearly ran you over like a squirrel!"

Castiel exited the car and walked around to stand next to the two. "Dean, this is Michael. Michael… Dean. "

"I have heard much about you." Michael said, and he had. Laura loved this man, and spoke of him often. He had lived up to her words, even if he had not lived up to the traditional expectations of a godly hero. This was no Joshua, no David. But then again, David had been a less than godly man in his day.

Dean looked at Michael. So this was the angel that Laura prayed to all the time. The one that had taken her away, actually, instead of healing her like the others had done him. He had to look away. "So you're my army? I'm sure you're a big deal, heard a lot about you too, but we're talking apocalypse and Armageddon."

"The others follow me." Michael said. He sensed what Dean was thinking, but thought better of explaining. It wasn't required to understand, only to obey. Something humans had a great deal of difficulty with.

"And you'll follow me?" Dean asked. "No matter what?" He'd already proven unconventional in the way he kept seals shut.

"In so far as your orders do not conflict with those I receive from our father, I am to obey your orders to the letter." Michael said simply.

"Dude, you're like a freaking robot." Dean said. "Well, what are the orders from God? So at least I have a head's up. Because I'm kinda out of the loop here."

Michael chuckled softly as though responding to something else he was hearing. "Because you have chosen to be. I am to follow your orders, and protect you. So far those are my orders. But I am the eldest of all angels. First created by god, and as such, the first one that gets called to action when needed."

"Well, I know something you don't know." Dean said with a grin. "And it's gonna help us win this thing. You, Castiel, the whole lot of you, you can visit hell to release a soul or whatever. But you've never lived there. I have."

"What is this bit of information that's going to help us win the war?" Michael asked. He had suspected that was why they had chosen a man from hell itself to lead the army. It couldn't have just been the hope that he would keep Samuel from crossing into darkness.

"I was taken off the rack. I was supposed to be the next big thing down there." Dean said as he headed back to his car. He didn't like to think about it, never mind talk about it. "I heard things. Once I was able to ignore the screams in my head, started to make sense why I was brought back. Don't worry, you're on a need to know basis also. But I have an appointment to keep. And really? The force hell is bringing up? I'm gonna need more than two angels and my good looks."

"You will have them." Michael said. He would make sure of it. "But did you really want to meet a legion of angels on a back road in the middle of the night?" He asked with a smile. "I hope this information you have will win the day. We're running out of them."

"Depends. I certainly wouldn't object to running into a legion of Victoria's Secret angels, all bound to do my bidding on a back road." He said with a grin. "And I hope so too." But it was the last card he had to play.

Michael chuckled. "Wings do not an angel make." He looked to Castiel then back to Dean. "You will be protected when you go to meet your brother. He is unlikely to harm you… unless he has passed too far into darkness, but his cohort cannot be trusted."

"His cohort?" Dean asked. "Bobby? Pamela? No, I don't need to be protected from Sam. Sam wouldn't hurt me." He wouldn't either. Unless he was possessed. Or screwed with by a ghost. Sam was more likely to just leave than physically hurt Dean. "How about this? I order you all to stay back, we'll meet....I don't know, I'll be hungry. So some diner. I'll get in touch with Cas, or you, or someone and set up a rendezvous point. But you're not scaring off my brother. He already thinks you all want him dead. Forget it. Stay back. That's an order."

"A cohort is a military unit. 100 men to a century, 6 centuries to a cohort, 10 cohorts to a legion." Michael said. "Your brother has been amassing an army. A smallish one, but an army of demons nonetheless. It's not your brother I am concerned with protecting you from."

"And you've got your orders." Dean said. "From me. You screw this up for me, deal's off. I mean it." He desperately needed to see his brother. To see him, not just hear his disembodied voice in a studio.

Michael didn't say anything else. Not to be there would be to disobey his father who had ordered him to protect this man. But there were ways to go about it without being seen by anyone. "Contact Castiel when you want to meet. Or you can call my name. I'll know when you mean me."

"Fine." Dean said and got back into the Impala, heading to Palo Alto. Palo Alto was a big town though, so he found the apartment building that Sam and Jess had lived in and waited across the street with a large cup of coffee. He looked up at the sky. And it was...bright. It was nine o'clock at night. It shouldn't be bright.

Sam slid into the passenger's side of the Impala and sighed. "This feels good." He said with a smile as he closed the door. "How are you? And if you say fine, I swear I'm gonna short sheet your bed."

Dean laughed as he grinned at his brother. "I'm actually not too bad." He said. "Probably not fine, but not too bad. You?" He said as he looked at his brother. His brother was actually there. Right there in the passenger seat, and Dean had to resist the urge to reach out and punch Sam in the arm just to make sure that he was really there. So instead he reached over and took off the sunglasses. It was night after all "I know about the eyes, bitch."

"Been better, been worse." He said honestly. "Yeah… the eyes… I sent the son of a bitch that did it to hell. He ever crawls out of there I bet he won't give you as much lip." Sam said. "So… wow… If Bobby hadn't turned on the TV I wouldn't be sitting here right now. Dude, John M Osbourne. That was messed up."

"That was brilliant." Dean said as he drove toward a coffee shop nearby. "Like Randall Rhoads was any less messed up? Probably didn't make much of a dent, but if three people listened to me, that's three less people adding to the chaos. Gotta take the victories where I can take them."

"Randall Rhoads didn't go around calling himself the prince of darkness and pretending to bite the heads off bats." Sam said with a grin. "But I hear ya. The victories have been getting smaller lately. Why the hell is it light out?" Sam asked, looking out the window.

"Something's going on." Dean said. "I'm hoping at least for a cup of coffee with my brother before we have to go save the world." He grinned. "Let's face it, our respective armies aren't gonna get along."

"Yeah that's an understatement." He said. "But that is why I told them to go deal with another seal down in Baja." He didn't want them anywhere near his brother. There was a resentment there that he didn't want to turn into something more substantial.

"I got to give Archangel Michael a direct order. Felt good. Maybe next week I'll have him buff out the car." Dean said with a grin. He pulled into a coffee shop and just looked at his brother. "You know, that's actually a pretty girly shade of yellow come to think about it."

"Again with the girly." Sam said shaking his head. "The only one that thinks I'm girly is you, ya know." He laughed. "Jerk."

"Bitch." Dean said as he got out of the car. "Only one who says that, huh? Has nothing to do with the fact that you surround yourself with demons. Remind me again about that power you've got? You know, the one where you can rip them out of their bodies and throw them back into hell? I wouldn't call you girly either if that was hanging over my head. Doesn't mean I wouldn't think it. A lot. Often. Let's get a cup of coffee. You can catch me up on you."

"And that is so not a girly power. I'm telling you. It rocks. Bobby and Pam are in town too, they are wanting to see you. I think my crowd creeps them out, so … you know if you think you can keep the angelic choir boys from going after them… maybe they should go with you."

"Yeah, because Pamela wants to hang out with angels. She and Castiel can become friends, I bet she'd love to see his face. Oh wait, she can't because he burned the eyes out of her head." Dean pointed out as he grabbed coffee and led Sam to an isolated booth. "This is so screwed up though. How'd it end up like this, Sam? Us?"

"Oh angelic intervention and a lot of bad luck." Sam said as he settled into the booth. "Or maybe the demonic intervention when they talked Mom into making a deal." He shrugged. "Not sure the how's and whys matter anymore. They will just say it's all because of free will anyway."

"Yeah, well, they can kiss my ass." Dean said with a scowl. "Missouri caught with me at one point. Talk about a pain in the neck. Next time, I'm siccing her on you. I mean it." Winchesters were hard drinkers by nature. Sam was probably slamming them back too whenever he got the chance.

"Bobby told me she was trying to get you into an AA meeting." Sam said. "Not surprised, you were slamming them back hard core before we split ways." Like Sam had been after Dean's death. Like Bobby had.

"Yeah, well, don't get your hopes up, I didn't go." Dean said. "Well, I went into the building, but all the chicks were old, so I left." He said breezily. "So, how long until the world falls apart? I mean, me, you, public place, after all the trouble the angels went to." And he wasn't convinced it was just the angels, but he didn't need Sam distrusting the things keeping him somewhat safe.

"Oh, probably any minute now judging by the sky and the fact that nothing has stopped us from getting together." Sam said. "Since you don't look plowed, I'm betting you didn't need to in order to take care of business."

"I cut down." Dean said. "We're both bastards to the core, but one thing we don't have is a weak will. I just decided to put it down for a while. And realized I don't need to drink four bottles a night to keep the economy going, that it will be in the shitter whether I drink or not. So what do you think? Meteor shower? Only natural disaster that hasn't happened yet."

"Yeah that's about it. And with both of us here… it's gonna be big. So… think we can stop the son of a bitch from getting out of hell or should we call it a night and go down a couple beers?" He asked rhetorically. Wouldn't matter if they could do it or not, they would try. Even if they died trying.

"The beers sound good, but dammit if we let him walk, the bars will close. Then where will that leave us?" Dean asked with a playful grin. "Guess we're just gonna have to buckle down and stop him. Think he'll wait until I finish my coffee? That would be preferable."

"Might as well finish our coffee. Can't stop a sign and I don't remember any seals being in the area that was on my list. Not that it's complete mind you. Still. Not a good idea to be outside when the flaming rocks start falling."

"If any of them hit my car, I'm going to be seriously pissed." Dean said. "So you've got Bobby and a house full of demons. How's that working out, dude?" He said with a chuckle, just imagining how it was working out.

"Oh it's been interesting." He said and gave examples of the escapades. Including Pamela giving one demon in particular a .45 caliber castration. "Rumsfeld has been the most antagonistic but once I got back from Uriel's play land the boys figured out that just cause Daddy isn't there doesn't mean he won't smack them down when he gets home."

"Remind me not to cross Pamela." Dean said with a chuckle. "For a blind chick, she seems like a good shot. And I feel for Rumsfeld, I do. Poor dog was trained to use demons as chew toys." He caught Sam up on what he'd been doing since he was cured of the virus. "You now have proof that your big brother is awesome. Dude, I was with a full on saint."

"I didn't get to spend much time with her while you were in the hospital, but I liked her. She loved you a lot. I'm sorry she's gone." He knew what it was like. He knew all too well. It had been all he could do not to go into the apartment when he had gotten to Palo Alto, not hit the bar they went to with their friends, or their favorite restaurant. The place exuded Jess. Every where he looked he swore he could see her.

"Yeah." Dean said. "Shoulda seen her reaction when I checked out of the hospital AMA. Love me or not, I was sure she was going to kill me."

"Yeah well, been in those shoes a time or two and trust me, it's tempting to knock you out so you have to stay put, but usually that's counterproductive, given how hard your head is."

"It has to be hard. I don't have a layer of fluffy hair to protect my skull." Dean said with a grin. "Haven't been able to nail down where this last battle is supposed to take place. But at last count, 63 seals were opened."

"That's what I put it at too." Sam said, less than happy at the total. "It won't be long off. I don't think it's going to be Megiddo however. It is going to be at some other great battle site. One that was pivotal. It's going to be in this country somewhere. Otherwise they would have whisked you off by now."

"Gettysburg? Saratoga? Valley Forge? New Orleans? Might make Mardi Gras, that could be cool." Dean said with a grin. "Alamo? Please not the Alamo. The good guys didn't survive the last Alamo."

"You know if it were Bobby who was chosen to fight this battle, it would be Gettysburg. Dad would get New Orleans, during Mardi Gras, and not notice a thing while he was there that wasn't supernatural in origin …but it's us. Means it's the Alamo."

"Oh come on." Dean said. "I was hoping at least for Saratoga. They have a casino and a racetrack. Could be fun...." Dean said and sighed. "You're right. Definitely the Alamo. Guess I should start heading there then."

"Coffee first, meteor shower, and then you can hit the road. The last thing you want driving down the road is a flaming rock slamming into you." Sam said. "Besides, we don't have rivers of blood, or the moon turning red yet. We're good."

"Lots of coffee." Dean said. "Don't have anyone to talk to in the passenger seat anymore, gotta stay awake somehow."

"I got the time." He said and looked toward the window as the first flaming rock slammed into the road outside. "And no we are not getting up. We are staying put. Right here and riding this out."

"You're paying for the next round of coffee then." He said as he watched the meteor shower. "Not like we can stop it anyway, so might as well stay in and watch the fireworks. Are you okay? Really? It's weird, I can't keep an eye on you now."

"I'm … not really okay. But I'm hanging in there. Faking it as much as possible cause it scares Bobby if I don't." Sam said honestly. "At least it's going to be over soon… we can get back to our usual form of dysfunction."

"Can we?" Dean said doubtfully. He didn't think there was any real coming back from this, for either of them. "You know, I can handle this. I can. I know I'm a screw up in the rest of my life, but I can handle this. Maybe you should just step back and ride the whole thing out." He knew Sam was a seal that wasn't fully opened. But even he could see the cracks. Maybe just sitting back would be the safer choice. "Let your big brother handle this."

"No." Sam said firmly. "The only thing I have been able to do to help is take down the threats along the way. You are out there alone. You need my help however you can get it."

"Sam, honestly? You're losing it. I can see it. Soon you're going to look older than Dad." He said, exaggerating a little there. "And once we leave this coffee shop, we both know I might not be there to pull you back, because everybody seems against us, don't they? If I could do one thing, that would be to make sure you're safe, you know that." It had been pounded into his head since he was four years old.

"Dean… I know that you want to protect me. I know that. But you have to understand, I can't just sit back and watch this from the sidelines. I can't just sit there and wait for some angel to find me and tell me you are dead, I'm gonna be there."

"You've watched me die once, that wasn't enough?" Dean asked with an arched eyebrow. "And I've watched you die. How about no one dies?"

"I like that idea, I really do. But if you really thought that was likely, you wouldn't be trying to keep me out of the fight." Sam said. "No… we do this together, I don't care what Castiel thinks about my state of being or the taint of my soul."

"I hate it when you're all logical, you know that?" Dean said as he watched the show outside."You can't even let me do this right. I was wrong to drag you out of your life before. When I came here the first time. I know it. I've been trying to make up for it too."

"Jessica's death is not your fault. If I hadn't gone off with you, it would have happened while I was out getting milk or at the interview for the scholarship. The demon has been playing our family all along. He wanted me out there training… honing my skills. He told me as much. That's why he killed Jess, so that I would have to get back on the job. That's not on you. Believe it."

"You know, I wish I could have killed him slower." Dean said with a shake of his head. "And don't worry about Castiel, he says there's hope for all of us. He's an optimist in denial. You already took care of the guy that hated the both of us."

"Yeah well, he wasn't alone." Sam said. "I know Castiel wasn't on their happy list. They tortured him, too. But still… I don't know how many of the feathery bastards you can trust. I figure I can't trust any of them."

"And how many of the demons can you trust?" Dean asked, glancing around the coffee house. Dammit. So much for following orders. Either party.

"You know… probably about as many as you can of your boys." Sam said, knowing what he was looking at. "Now I thought I told you guys to take care of things in Baja." He said in a tone that was harsh and cold. Not one that Dean was used to from his brother at all. "You know how I feel about disobedience."

Dean raised an eyebrow at his brother. "Looks like someone's gonna get spanked." Dean said as he glanced at the other half of the shop and shook his head. "That's all right. I remember telling some angel named Michael that if he screwed this up for me, the whole deal was off. Think I'll ride out the apocalypse right here. Coffee's not too bad."

"We knew the angels would be here." Alex said.

"And we knew the demons would be here." An angel said. Dean hadn't met his force yet, he had no idea who any of them were, just that they were angelic. "And they'd like nothing more than to remove Dean from this plane of existence yet again."

"No one is going to touch my brother while I'm here." Sam said and looked at his boys "Are they?" He looked from one demon to the other. "Not over a little thing like jealousy." He looked over at the angels. He didn't think for a minute they were just there to protect Dean. "You boys going to stop blocking our communications? Otherwise I might have to take over riding shot gun again."

"You wouldn't do that." An angel said. "Because that would leave your brother short in his army."

"Yeah, my way obedient army." Dean said with a roll of his eyes.

"We have seals to stop. We need to go."

"I'm having coffee with my brother. You know, the guy you don't want me to talk to? Think I'm giving up this chance? Get out of here." Dean said and turned his attention back to his brother. "And this is why I prefer to work with myself or at most two others."

"Normally I don't have problems with my crew. They don't have the superiority complexes that your lot do. Not that it does them any good at the end of the day. You see cause I know that you boys want this stopped. Walking away from Dean not only breaks your orders, it endangers the end game. Neither of which you are really allowed to do. Since your marching orders don't include thinking for yourselves. That gets you lot a trip to hell. Or has Uriel been given a reprieve since I last spoke to him?" Sam said, giving the angel that spoke a look that said he would just as happily carry him down stairs as look at him.

"Okay, everyone stop." Dean said. "Demons on that side." He said, pointing toward one side of the shop. "Angels on that side." He said, pointing to the other. "No one says a word, I don't want so much as a straw wrapper blown across the room, got it? Everyone sit down, shut up, or leave."

Sam smiled slowly. It wasn't a pleasant smile. "You heard the man." He said and watched as the demons obeyed, leaving the angels to Dean to worry about. He then leaned back in his seat and relaxed, taking a drink of his coffee. "This town is gonna be full of craters, and ½ burned by the time this shower is done…and I doubt it's isolated either." He said looking out the window.

"Yeah, I know, like a bad Hollywood movie." Dean said as the angels went to their side, anxiously and warily. He shook his head at that and turned his attention back to his brother. "So we'll meet up after this at the Alamo?" He said. "Sounds just like a joke to me, by the time I get there, I'll think of a punch line."

"Not sure there is one." He said as he downed his coffee and walked over to get a refill. The owner had fled the shop when the meteors had begun to fall. He brought the pot with him back over to the table "Yeah. I'll be there. That's where we'll make our stand."

Dean refilled his cup from the pot Sam had brought over. "Come on, this is me. If anyone can find a punch line, it'll be me, right?" He said with a grin. "You're still too serious. If you can't laugh at the end of the world, what can you laugh at?"

Sam laughed softly at that. "Yeah, I guess I inherited Dad's sense of humor." Sam said with a shrug. "I'll work on that between now and then." He said and smiled. "And when this is all done, we are going to take a vacation. I mean it. A week someplace with sun and girls and no monsters."

"Now that sounds like a plan I can get behind." Dean said with a laugh. "We'll even throw the cell phones away, let the world fend for itself for a while. Can't remember the last time I slept in." Even drunk or hung-over he never had the chance to sleep in anymore. And Dean hated getting up early (before noon) if he could help it. Unless, of course, he could get up before his brother and give him a rude awakening just for the fun of it. "Call Bobby up, let's get him in here at least. If anyone can dodge meteors, it's Bobby."

Sam took out his cell phone and dialed the number at Bobby's hotel room. He handed the phone over to Dean. He figured it would do them both good to talk to each other again even if the plan was to meet up.

"Hey Bobby." Dean said. still eyeing the other not quite humans in the room. "We're at a coffee shop on Homer Avenue. Great view of the meteor shower. Think you can make it over?"

"It might take a bit, but I can get there. Are you okay, boy?" He asked, touching Pamela's arm as he pulled on his jacket. "It's chaos out there right now. " Although he imagined there was chaos in there too.

"Yeah, chaos seems to be the word of the day." Dean said. "Along with Mexican standoff. Though I guess that's actually two words. Listen, we could use some human back up. Got a cafe full of angels and demons, and it's not even a porno."

"That's an image I don't need." Bobby said. "We're on our way. Try not to get yourself killed before I get there."

"Yeah, well, that's an image that's much more preferable." Dean said. "I'll do my best." He said, hanging up. "Bobby said not to get myself killed before he gets here." He said with a laugh.

"Sounds like a plan, but I don't think he has much to worry about here." Sam could handle any of his own that got out of line. He didn't think Dean could handle the free thinking Angel types, but then again… maybe Sam could handle that too. After all, the ones that were slipping seemed to have lost their protection from on high.

"Yeah, not feeling like dying today. It's not cosmically right or something. I think my horoscope told me I was going to have a good day. Think it said something about money and sex too, but hey, one out of three ain't bad."

"Day's young. Never know what's going to happen between now and dawn, but all things being equal… you can't get that lucky in one day. We would have had to meet up in a bar for that to work out for you."

"Okay, true." Dean said. "So I'll settle for good day. Time to make money later, right? Not that money matters right now, with the economy crashing and all."

"If we don't succeed, money won't matter at all." Sam said, not really willing to entertain that thought. "But I don't think that's going to be a problem. Between the two of us, we should be able to do something. The final seal has to be at the Alamo. That's the one we have to protect."

"Sounds like fun." Dean said. Though he wasn't sure that was the final seal. He still had bets on Sam being the final seal. He grinned as he saw Bobby and Pamela come in. "There they are."

Bobby gave the two sides a glance. They looked like they had been put in their respective corners by their frustrated parents.

Pamela walked over to the table. "Alright, assume the position." She said, waiting for Dean to stand up so she could hug him. She was hoping that this meeting with Dean and Sam would be the incentive Sam needed to hang on a little while longer.

Dean laughed as he stood up and gave Pamela a tight hug. "A guy could get some ideas with words like that, you know." He said with a grin.

Pamela grabbed his ass. "Yeah, well, you know what to do when those ideas turn into intent." She teased and moved to let Bobby in to get his hug. Sam had gotten up to let her move in to sit beside the wall in the booth.

Bobby grabbed Dean and pulled him into a fatherly hug. "How you doing, boy?" He asked.

"Been...dealing." Dean said honestly. Neither his nor Sam's road had been particularly easy lately. And from Bobby's face, neither had his. "It's all spinning up quickly, so hopefully we can get this all over with and return back to our sucky but normal for us lives."

"I hear ya." Bobby said as he took a seat beside Dean on the booth. "This isn't just local. They were talking about it on the news before the transmission went dead. They are having meteor showers all over the world. There's a crater where Disneyland used to be… small lakes are boiling from the heat of the meteors that impact."

"If you ask me, Disneyland had it coming." Dean said. "But this isn't anything we can stop, so I'm not going to think about it." About the people vaporized or flash boiled. Because those were people he couldn't save. They didn't have a chance. Oh yeah, and God supposedly loved them. "We figure it's going to happen at the Alamo. Fitting really, right? But trust me, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve."

None he was going to talk about here. Sam might have confidence in his demons, but Dean didn't share that same trust, so not a word would be spoken here about it.

Sam wasn't going to ask him for details either, for the simple fact that Sam didn't trust angels any further than he could throw them. The bastards were either obedient tools, or treacherous bastards. Neither seemed like a good idea. Especially since they obviously weren't obedient to his brother.

"We'll take that bridge when we come to it." He said simply.

"We don't have a choice." Dean corrected with a chuckle. "Tell you what, once this is over, I'm going on a bender in a strip club."

"Yeah, he keeps trying to get me to go in one with him. I guess he figures after this long apart, I'll tag along this time." Sam said, rolling his eyes. He wished it could be that way. Wanted nothing more than to fall back into old habits with his brother, to go with him where ever the road lead, but he knew that wouldn't happen. It couldn't happen. Not after everything they had been through. Nothing would be the same. Not even if they both survived, not that he thought that was even an option.

"He'll go." Dean said. "All I have to do is ask after this, after all, he definitely owes me."

"And how do you figure that?" Bobby asked, amused. At least the bantering was the same. It was comforting, probably for everyone.

"Because he refused to go last time." Dean said. "And last time I got arrested. If my little brother had tagged along to keep me out of trouble, I might not have been arrested."

"That wasn't my fault!" Sam said with a laugh, and the endless debate of who got who into more trouble began. It had been that way since they were both teenagers. It had driven John crazy.

Bobby shook his head. "They've managed the impossible. Made me feel younger and older at the same time." He said, watching them. "Younger because this happened years ago. Over and over again. Older because I already lived through this once."

"I hate to say it, but it's slowing down out there." Sam said with a sigh. He knew that if they didn't leave now that they could, neither of them would be able to contain their respective forces. There would be war right there in Palo Alto. Heaven and Hell duking it out because neither one was willing to accept that for the time being, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.

Dean looked outside sadly. "Yeah, I know." He said and finished his coffee. "I'll see you in Texas. Again." He said with a chuckle. Hopefully this time without him ending up in the hospital again. He looked at 'his' side of the room. "Everyone up and out. Now!" He said and headed out. If he drew it out, he'd never leave.

"If you want to go with him, now's the time. I'll understand. I'd like you two to stay but I know this isn't what you signed up for." Sam knew this was hard on them. He wished it could be otherwise, but things were as they were.

Pamela turned toward Sam, her face etched in incredulousness. "Yeah. *I'm* going to go hang out with a bunch of angels." She said. "Eating strange mushrooms lately?"

Dean chuckled. "I'm fine, Sam. They should stay with you." He wasn't blind. Or willfully blind. His little brother was hanging onto the threads of his humanity. The last thing he was going to do was take away the two humans who would stick around Sam. "See you in Texas." He said with a grin as he headed out.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily." Bobby said. Sam scared him most of the time now, but it was those moments (like the last few, really) that kept him hanging on to hope. As fleeting as it was most of the time.

"He's not fine." Sam said, shaking his head. "Okay, well, let's get out of here then. We have a lot of miles to cover and I am betting on interference between here and San Antonio." He knew this was the beginning of the end. All that was left was the rapture, and the moon turning to blood. The meteor shower from hell would take care of the rivers and seas boiling. Not to mention the absolute devastation. He looked over his shoulder at the demons behind him "Well don't just stand there. Let's get a move on."

"We're missing Alex." Chelsea said as she searched through the crowd of demons. "He's not here. He was. He was making himself a latte last I knew..."

Sam swore, and looked around the coffee shop as his mind took it all in, going over every moment that he could account for. He swore again, and this time the windows rattled as he siphoned off the rage that suddenly welled up inside him. "I should have known." He growled. "I should have fucking known."

A demon grimaced. "The angels." He said. "I knew this was a trap."

"A set up from the beginning… every time we meet, it's a set up. " Sam growled. "My own brother." The windows blew out ward as he said the final word, even though his tone was quiet. "Did you know?" He demanded, turning to look at Bobby and Pamela. "Have you been a part of this all along?" He took a step forward, then stopped himself. "Get out." He said instead. "Go crawl into your panic room and stay there till kingdom come." This was likely to be sooner rather than later.

"Now you listen here, boy." Bobby said as he put himself in between Sam and Pamela. "It was your idea to meet up with Dean. Not mine. You arranged it. I haven't spoken to him in ages before today, and you know that. You need to calm yourself down right now. I don't know what's going on, but it's all gotta be for some reason, even if it's a bad one."

"Dad taught us that the best con is the one the mark sets up themselves. You just put what they want where they can see it and they do all the heavy lifting themselves." Sam said. "Dean went on TV. Dean went on Larry King Live of all things? The one way I could get in touch with him that wouldn't sound like a trap. Yeah, I set up the meeting. I arranged for where and when. He brought his angels… his supposedly obedient angels… who refused to do as he ordered. And he didn't pitch a fit? No… this was a trap from the beginning."

"You going to stop protecting your brother now?" One of the demons asked. "Obviously he's not protecting you. He took Alex, the one guy who knows everything about what you're doing. Why would he need to know that stuff unless he was going to use it against you?"

"Now hold on." Bobby said. "I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for all of this."

"We're waiting." Another demon said sarcastically.

"We're done, Bobby… I want you and Pamela to leave now." Sam said. "There is no reasonable explanation for taking my second in command. Except when you realize that at the end of the day, Dean is still a hunter." He picked up his jacket. "And so are you… so you two leave now, go home. No one here is going to mess with you, unless they are really feeling home sick. I'm telling you nicely. It won't be so friendly if I have to say it again."

Bobby looked stricken, and Pamela moved around Bobby and followed Sam's voice over to him. And whether he wanted it or not, she hugged him. "Take care of yourself, Sam. I mean it."

He hesitated returning the hug for a moment, then slowly leaned into it. He didn't know who he could trust. If Dean could use him like that, then there was no one he could truly trust anymore. There was no one that he really wanted to fight for anymore. As far as he was concerned the world could go to hell in the hand basket it created for itself. He was still going to San Antonio. He needed answers. And this time he wasn't going to open himself up for another trap.


	13. Gods of War

Gods of War

_On a countdown to zero_

_Take a ride on the nightmare machine_

_There ain't gonna be heroes_

_There ain't gonna be anything_

Dean was outside the building, getting some air. It was demon proofed. Demons couldn't enter. And most importantly, demons couldn't leave. Especially the one inside.

He wasn't happy about this turn of events. It brought back a lot of darkness in him he tried to shove down. As if it never happened. Problem was, it had. He'd driven to San Antonio in a relatively good mood, barely stopping. His brother was okay. Bobby and Pamela were keeping an eye on the kid, it was enough for him. Because it had to be. Otherwise he'd dwell on the fact that his brother was surrounded by demons. Willingly and purposefully.

Then he'd gotten to San Antonio. And before he could check into the motel, Castiel had asked him to come to a warehouse. It was coated in symbols and ciphers he couldn't begin to identify. Then he'd walked in, and the demon that had basically been at Sam's right hand was in the middle of the room, caught in a trap. And not very happy about it.

But now he had a job to do. He always had a job to do as he took a deep breath and walked back in, taking a small charm hanging off a slim chain and throwing it over the demon's neck. "You know something." Dean said. "You better start talking, or it's going to get really painful, really fast." He said as he walked over to a tray of instruments, picking one up and checking the edge on it with his thumb.

"It's like falling off a bike, isn't it?" Alex said with a smirk. "And everyone thought Sam was the one that was too far gone. Looks like they guessed wrong, didn't they? Falling back on old habits, Alastair would be so proud."

Dean backhanded the demon, and was rewarded with a flash of black eyes. "I asked you a question. What do you know?"

"I know a lot of things." Alex said, looking Dean in the eyes. "I know you're a drunk who can't keep up with what's going on in the world around him. I know your brother is going to eat your heart while it's still beating for this. I know you got your pretty girlfriend killed and your buddies here couldn't cut you a deal. Sounds to me like you've been batting for the wrong team."

"Wow. I'm impressed." Dean said. "I've got a fan. Tell Sam to lay off the ketchup, I'm more barbeque. Oh wait, you can't leave. I forgot. It's that whole sobriety thing, still getting used to it. How about you tell me about you for once? All your little plans and schemes. You've got Sam fooled, but you don't have me fooled. See, I'm the smarter brother. And I know which side you're batting for."

Alex snorted. "Doesn't make either one of you rocket scientists." He said. "Sounds like you know everything then, can't imagine what I would have to tell the smarter Winchester brother." He said sarcastically.

Dean smiled. "Well you better start talking." He said as he looked at the angels. "Which one of you is Michael?" He said, scanning the faces he hadn't yet put to memory. But he loved the fact that out of the corner of his eye, he could see the demon squirm in fear at the mention of the Archangel.

"Start talking about what? I'm not going to hand over Sam's plans to these … things. You might be willing to sell your brother out, but I'm not." He said. It wasn't exactly a lie. He was loyal to Sam. Just more to the leader he would be in the future, when the world went dark and there was nothing but screams. With Sam, they could blot out heaven forever. Including Michael the Archangel. Frightening as the big guy was, he was still an instrument of heaven and nothing more. When heaven was gone, so was he.

"Yes you are. You're going to hand them over to me. Including things you know that Sam doesn't." Dean said as he started to work. Trapped in its host, the demon would feel each and every slice of pain that went through the host. The host was dead already, Dean knew that, had tracked down Alex's movements since possessing the man. So there was no guilt in that. "Michael, do me a favor, exorcise him."

"Exorcise him?" Michael asked, amused. "He can't leave."

"Exactly." Dean said.

"I was in hell longer than you, remember. It's gonna take a lot more than a little torture to get anything out of me. Your brother's still trying to stop Armageddon, but that won't last long. Not after this. He's gonna know. He's gonna know you betrayed him." The demon said then yelled wordlessly at Michael, before beginning to cant profane verses, groaning in beginnings of pain.

"Me betray him?" Dean said and laughed. "Never happen. I look out for him. You were the one who wanted your demon leader." He said as he started to cut. Then douse with holy water. Then cut again.

He groaned, then cried out at the burning of the holy water. "That's not how Sam's gonna see it. He meets up with you and his second in command… the only one he could trust.... is taken… last time he met up with you he was tortured by your Holy Roller buddies that you brought to the meeting. Oh yeah… Sam is going to see it as a long line of betrayals."

"I'll worry about my brother." Dean said flatly. "You worry about yourself. I'm just getting started." He said as he headed back to his instrument tray. "Even hell has standards. And apparently I met them." He said as he chose another instrument of torture. He'd shut down everything except his ears, working on autopilot. Just listening for that key to save his brother. And sure, the world. But his brother most importantly.

His brother, his little brother, had wiped out a whole town. The worst part being, he showed no remorse. That had been confirmed by Bobby, now back at his house with Pamela and his dog. That wasn't Sam.

Alex laughed. "What are you going to do, torture me to death? Send me back to hell? What do you think I have been trying to do all this time? I'm bringing it here. Sam… Sam is the key to the gate way. It's always been Sam. All we had to do was sit back. You and your party line towing goon squad, yeah you in the dunce caps…you've been driving him toward the finish line. All we had to do was keep him alive… save a few seals along the way. What the hell there was over 600 not like we couldn't afford to lose a few." He was feeling it… oh yes he was feeling it. Every single stroke, and every word out of Michael's mouth, was agony. But that's what hell was about… pain.

"You fucked up." Dean said. "You left me alive." He truly believed he could save his brother. It was his life mission after all, what he'd been tasked with since he was four years old. He went to hell for his brother, he'd do it again in a heartbeat, even knowing what it was like. "Go ahead and yammer on about betrayal and all that. When the chips are down, we stick together. Always have. A little thing like demon sycophants isn't going to change that. So, no, I'm not going to kill you. I am going to torture you. And then you'll fail, at the end of it all, that's when I return you to hell, where you can face your masters and explain to them how you majorly screwed up."

"You're the one that screwed the pooch. No one could have turned Sam with you dead. Not in time. We needed someone he loved. Ruby was working magic, but not fast enough. But you… you and the angels… you've kicked him hard enough that he doesn't know which end is up. This is all on you, and the whole time he was telling us how much of a hero you are." He laughed. "Bet he doesn't think you are much of a hero now. Although I gotta admit, props to the Archangel league for putting Uriel on the case."

"With me alive, I can turn him around." Dean said confidently. "Haven't you scum learned not to count me out yet? I mean, being the underdog is fun and all, but when are you going to learn?" He said, resuming his torture. He'd been well taught. In his ten years, he'd broken records on how fast people could be broken. Not something he was proud of, or even liked to think about, but it was useful right now.

Alex shook his head. "Don't you find it at all ironic that angels have you doing what you learned in hell?" He asked in between screams.

"No." Dean said. "They can't do it. I can." He said and intensified his efforts. He needed a break. He needed to clear his head before he became THAT PERSON again. So he pressed harder. "How would Sam break open that final seal at the Alamo?" He asked. "How would he do it? Swig of whisky in it for you if you tell me now."

"You're nuts if you think I'm gonna tell you that. You're just going to have to go watch for yourself. What you are doing to me is child's play compared to what they will do to me in hell if I give up that information. You may as well just do it now."

"You're standing in a room full of archangels. You tell me what I need to know, and you disappear." Dean said. "Otherwise," he shrugged, sliding the holy water, salt encrusted blade between the demon's ribs, "I send you home."

The demon screamed. "Home is coming here. You can't stop it. You can't escape it. Your brother is going to be a hero in our world and there is nothing you can do."

"You think so?" Dean said. "Then feel free to watch in a vat of holy water. Then, when it doesn't happen, I'll send you home with a big smile on my face. Because I know what they have in store for you, you're right. I'm playing patty cake. Boys, turn on the shower. I need something to eat."

"You're dead!" Alex screamed. "You're dead and you don't even know it. You'll never make it back here. None of you will. You're all dead. He'll rip your hearts out and steal your grace. You can't stop him. You can't even slow him down."

"The kid's got huge feet. Doesn't take much for him to trip over them." Dean said as he took a step back and the angels turned on the sprinkler system, rigged with holy water. "I forgot how torture makes a man hungry. I'm taking a dinner break. After all, up here I'm human. When I come back, you better have something better to give me."

Truth was, Dean wasn't hungry. He was sickened. But he went into the ante room and sat on a bench, taking several deep breaths before washing his hands. Over and over again. He looked at Castiel. "What's the purpose of this? To prove to your buddies that I'm as bad as they think?"

"No." Castiel said. "The seal in San Antonio is the final battle field. It's the last chance we have to save Samuel and prevent hell on earth. We have to know and you are the only one that can find out. I am truly sorry that this had to happen."

"Yeah, I hear that a lot." Dean said. "But hey, what do we have to lose? According to him we're all dead." He shrugged. "Save Sam? Apparently we're his downfall. I'm his downfall. You decided to abduct Alex and now he's going to lose it because he'll think I was behind it. I'm going to have to kill him, aren't I? I can't do it."

"I think the time for killing Sam has passed. I don't know that it would stop what he is going to do. That's why we must know what it is that Sam has to do at the site to open it. It's our only hope of preventing it and helping Sam. If it were just a matter of destroying him… it can be done without you. When we can find him. For now, let's do what we can to keep hell in its place."

Dean nodded and walked back into the room, turning the shower off. "Okay, let's try this again." He said to Alex. "What opens that last seal? Don't even waste my time with the 'you can't stop it' talk. I'm sure you've listened raptly to Sam. I'm the guy who does the impossible. Start talking."

"He's going to tear you apart and wring out the pieces like a sponge, that's all you need to know. That's what you should be worrying about. He took down a freaking archangel, you think he can't take you? You're going back to hell, and you aren't going to start out where you left off. It's all going to start over and it will never end."

"I'm not an archangel. He sent Uriel to hell by pulling him out of his body. Doesn't work that well n humans, guess you forgot." Dean said. "Finish him." He'd given something away, now he just had to figure out what it was. "And make it hurt." Nothing like the holy wrath of archangels against a demon to bring on the pain.

"You're all dead! You just don't know it yet. Every last one of you. God isn't going to protect you. He can't protect you. This so called army is nothing compared to what's coming." Alex yelled out as the angels moved in, more than happy to follow this particular order. "He hates you. You've lost already."

Dean let the demon's screams fall from his ears, ignoring it, as he paced outside the warehouse. He didn't care about the affection of some god who had barely been bothered to do anything, in his opinion anyway. He was doing this for his brother. For Bobby, Pamela, Missouri, Ellen. And by way of them, the rest of the world. God didn't factor into his motivations.

He looked at an angel that came out to check on him. "Are you sure Sam's the seal?" He asked. "That it's Sam himself, and not something he does?"

"We're not sure about anything at this point. We know that Sam is a seal, but we don't know if he is the final seal or not."

"You're not helpful." Dean said. "I'm going to the Alamo, you guys clean up here. That was still a human body after all, make sure it disappears, I've had enough suspicious deaths connected to me. Including my own."

"It will be taken care of." He said. "You aren't going alone. If it was correct, Sam is now a danger to you."

"And I might be the only one to take care of this matter." Dean said. "Because killing Sam is NOT an option. And it was right about one thing. God's not exactly helping right now. He's changed the channel. We do this my way."

"And what way is that?" He asked. "Going in alone and hoping that there is enough of your brother left to reason with?" He shook his head. "There is more demon than man left now, Dean. You have to be prepared for that."

"Couldn't reason with Sam before. He's stubborn." Dean said. "So am I. You guys just hang back, play checkers, whatever. You angels started this mess, Uriel started this mess. So, no. I don't trust your judgment. And apparently neither does God if He put me in charge."

"Somehow I don't think He intended for you to tell us to take a vacation day." The angel said. "If you fail … everything is lost. Are you willing to carry that on your shoulders alone?"

"I don't have a choice." Dean said. "You guys aren't the first to put weight on my shoulders, and if I survive this, you won't be the last. You want something to do? Keep the demons away from me and Sam."

"Now that is a plan we can get into." He said. "For what it's worth… we hope you can save him. Uriel and his lot… they aren't a representation of all of us."

"I didn't see any of you stopping him, though." Dean pointed out. "There was plenty of time to fix this, but whatever. I'll save my brother. It's why I'm back, right? Pulled out of hell, whole bunch of rules broken for me. All for this. And when this is over, I'm probably going back. Laura bought that clean slate thing, I don't. But that's okay. Let's get going."

"No… you aren't going back. Hell is trying to get to you." The angel said, then looked over as Castiel spoke.

"Dean… he's talking. You need to hear this. See if it makes any sense to you."

"Doubtful, but let's go." Dean said as he rubbed the back of his neck and headed back into the warehouse, where Alex, nearly in his death throes, was screaming.

"Alpha! Omega! The beginning is the end. The end is the beginning."

"Isn't that a Smashing Pumpkins' song?" Dean said. "The end is the beginning is the end?" Dean said with a sigh as he circled Alex. The angels had lightened up on their destruction of the demon so Dean could hear.

"The first seal was broken in hell." Alex said. "It all started there, and Lucifer willing, it will end there, as we overrun this pond scum of a planet."

"I thought Alpha and Omega was God." Dean said.

"God is dead. You killed Him."

"You honestly want me to believe that God was on the rack in hell?" Dean scoffed.

"You picked up the razor. You killed Him."

Castiel frowned, that information would destroy Dean. That was why he had kept it from him. "If Dean is the Alpha, is Sam the Omega?" He asked, redirecting the conversation. Sam was lost, they couldn't afford to lose Dean too. But there was more. There was information here that had to be gotten out.

Alex laughed, spitting blood at the angels. "You're fucking angels. And I know more about Revelations than you do. This is why you're losing."

Dean paled. He'd read Revelations. Several times since this all started. "I am Alpha and Omega, the first and last." He quoted quietly. "It's all metaphors. The guy was probably drunk when writing it." What if it wasn't God speaking? But a prophecy? He suddenly felt the need to vomit.

Castiel couldn't look at him. Dean was figuring it out on his own. He had never wanted him to realize why he had been pulled from hell. He hadn't ever wanted him to know that they had fought and died to pull him out of hell – hoping beyond hope that they would be in time to stop it. But they hadn't gotten to him fast enough.

"What does Sam have to do to unlock the final seal?" Castiel asked, still not looking at Dean.

Alex smirked. "I'm not telling." He said in a sing song voice. Dean had heard enough, and figured out enough on his own.

"Finish him." He growled. He had to get to the Alamo. Which was probably about the stupidest thing he could do, in a long line of incredibly stupid things.

Castiel turned to follow Dean out of the room. "You have to be careful, Dean. You can't let your emotions rule you."

"Shut up." Dean said, opening the door to the Impala, then slamming it shut again. "You knew. You knew how this all started. It's true, isn't it? I jump started the Apocalypse. I did this. And you brought me out of hell, knowing full well I could just make things worse, didn't you? Is this God's big master plan? For the world to end at my hands? As if they're not bloody enough, He just really wants to stick to me."

Castiel turned to finally look Dean in the eyes. "It was written… the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in hell." He told him. "And only the man who started it… can stop it. When we discovered Lilith's plans for you, we laid siege to hell, trying to get to you before it happened. We were too late. You were brought out of hell because you are the only one who can end this."

"I did this." He said, and felt the need to vomit again. As if he could purge himself of everything. He hadn't felt this nauseous since he sobered up. "I can't stop it." He said, shaking his head at Castiel. "You've got the wrong guy. Who you need is my father. Over a hundred years in hell, and the man didn't break. That's who you need. Not his weak, screw up of a son. So I suggest you figure out some way to get my father down here, before I really end the world. I'm going to go save Sam now, if you don't mind."

"If your father was able to stop this, we would. But he can't. Sam can't. We can't. No one but you. Yes you started it, now it is on you to finish it. I am sorry. This isn't a weight one man should have to bear, but it's yours to bear."

Dean clenched his hands into tight fists and rubbed his eyes hard. "I am overcome with gratitude at how helpful you all have been." He said, coldly. "Get the army to the Alamo. Ride the demon bastards hard and send them back. I'll deal with Sam. No interference from anyone, got it? This goes my way because I said so. And like you said, I'm the only one who can finish it. Win or lose, I'm finishing it."

He'd either succeed, or Alex was right. Sam would wring out his still beating heart.

"It's not Sam you are going to face. He's … I want to believe that he is still in there… but you have to be prepared for the worst." He didn't think Dean would be able to kill Sam. There was too much demon blood in him now, too much demon in him, and Dean loved him too much. All they had to hope for was that love was enough.

"He's in there." Dean said. "Probably warped, but if there was no Sammy in there, he wouldn't be gunning for me, would he? Not me specifically. I'll handle him." He said as he got back into the Impala.

Castiel sighed and turned to walk back into the building to speak with Michael. It was down to the wire, and their one hope to put an end to it all was on the verge of breaking. Castiel was beginning to be afraid.

Sam entered the national landmark and looked around. An old mission, really. One where they had held their ground for 13 days before failing in a very big way. He wondered how long the battle would take this time. He wondered if Dean would still come. He had his doubts. Dean had betrayed him. Used him. All the while sitting and smiling and making plans to send Lucifer's hounds back to hell and party hard afterwards. While his winged freaks made a move against Sam's boys. A move against Sam himself, really. Taking his second in command. Dean wasn't the man he remembered. It hadn't been the same since he had come back from hell. He must have left a part of himself behind. Something Sam missed desperately.

The demons were bored, restless. They were waiting. Waiting for hell to open up and spill out their brethren. And it was taking far too long for their tastes. Patience, after all, was a virtue. Demons weren't known for being virtuous.

"You really think he'll show?" One asked Sam. "And if he's got the guts to do so, how long do you think he'll last against you?"

"You let me worry about what goes on in here. You go make sure his feathered freaks don't interrupt us. I don't care how much …hell you have to raise," he said with a cold smile, " to do it."

"Oh don't worry. We will." She said. "Just remember, that's not really your brother. He proved that. What was Dean was already burned off in hell. And if this shell's blood can stop the end of the world, shouldn't be a problem, right?"

"I'll take care of it." He said sharply. "Leave." Shouldn't be a problem? Oh, it was a problem. One big freaking problem. It was his brother's body, it was his brother's base personality. He looked in those eyes and he saw his brother. But Dean was still in hell and had been all this time. This was just some cheap imitation that Castiel had passed off all this time. His brother was still being tortured and this thing was using his body.

He hadn't wanted to believe it. Had fought against the very idea of it… until Dean betrayed him. Until his own brother had set him up. Something Dean would never do. No matter what he had been told he would never turn on Sam.

Dean got to the Alamo. And parked the Impala far enough way so it would be safe from most damage. It had managed not to get damaged in the meteor storm, he didn't want to chance fate anymore than that. So he walked on foot until he came in view of Sam and took a deep breath. "Dude, we should talk." He said. "Really, we have to."

"Nothing to talk about, really." Sam said as he swallowed hard. "I should have known really." He paced unable to stay still really. "Should have figured it out from the beginning. All the signs were there and I was too happy thinking my brother was back to see it for what it was."

"What are you talking about?" Dean said. "What signs? The signs about Ruby? Do you finally realize why I never liked her? Some distance finally clear your head about her? Look, we shouldn't be here, we need to go." This was the last place Dean needed to be in case things went ugly. And they always went ugly.

"Ruby? No. Ruby loved me. She died because of that. No… I mean the signs about you. I should have known it was too good to be true. My brother coming back from hell intact, alive and well. Not a single scar."

"Oh I don't know, I've got that big handprint." Dean said with a grin that quickly dropped. "You think I didn't come back, not really? I'm not the one that has been lying about everything. You've cared more about your freaking demons than anything else! You want to hash this out the old fashioned way? Fine. But we're not doing it here."

"Cared more about my demons? I haven't had anything else for the past year." Sam said, glaring at the man before him. "You think you're Dean… you think you're my brother. I get that. Probably wouldn't have worked if you didn't, but you aren't. Dean would never turn on me."

"You haven't had anything else? I've been here! Before Uriel's little stunt, I was there! I was there the whole time. You were the one that wasn't, Sam. Don't lay this at my feet. I didn't turn on you. Believe it or not, I helped you." Dean said. "Let's go grab a beer and talk this out like adults. Now, Sam." He wanted off the Alamo.

"Why are you so anxious to leave?" Sam said continuing to walk. He had to build up to this. It was still Dean's body, still his voice. The body was there, but the soul was not. "Afraid to finish what you started?"

"You knew?!" Dean said. "You knew and never thought to say something? I just found out!" He said. "This is what I mean." He growled in frustration. "I don't want to complete what I started. Why? You want me to complete it? Is that it?"

"I told them they were wrong." He said. "I told them, Dean would never start Armageddon. He would never turn on me. Never set me up. It never occurred to me that you actually order the angels around. That you would set them against me… allow them to torture me for more than a month. That you would never take away the one demon in the pack I could trust." He yelled back. "But you did… so they have to be right. You're not Dean. My brother is still in hell."

"Whoa, hold up there. Let you be tortured? Guess I have to remind you that when you turned yourself over to Uriel, I just had my heart restarted." Dean shot back. "And after you left, had to be restarted three more times. And you couldn't trust him. You should know that, he's a demon, Sam. A demon. But fine, I'm still in hell. And you want to open up the doors to find me, is that it? No, Sam. No."

"Who was I supposed to trust? The freaking angels? I didn't believe them until Palo Alto. Didn't believe a word of it. I was such a damned fool. Dad would never have believed your lies you know… but I did. Because I needed my brother back more than anything else."

"You sure had a funny way of showing it." Dean said. "And don't bring Dad into this. If he were here, a lot of things would be different. And not just with me, he wouldn't have let you get away with half the shit you've been doing. I can't believe you believe a bunch of demons over your own brother. About everything." That was the worst part. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back, none of this was worth it. None of it. But fine." He said and took off his jacket, tossing it to the side. Then removed his flannel shirt, tossing that also to the side. He spread his arms out, standing there in his t-shirt and jeans and approached his brother. "You want to kill me? Do it. Double dog dare you, do it."

Sam tossed aside his own coat. "You think you're up to it? I've learned a thing or two over the last year." He said. It was better to get down to business . This wasn't his brother. This wasn't someone he needed to convince of anything. He needed to put him down. Only the being that started it could end it. It was time to end it. Save the world, call it a night.

"So have I." Dean said, watching his brother. "Don't even think to call for back up. Your black eyed freaks are going to be a little busy with my winged freaks." He said, hearing the angels move in, forcing the demons back. The demons didn't want the angels to get their hands on Sam, so they retreated a bit to draw the angels away. Not that the angels minded. They were under orders, Winchester would handle this until he couldn't, then they'd take over. "Oh yeah, and Sam?" He said, lifting his amulet out of his shirt. Which had another amulet attached to it. "Your demon parlor tricks don't work on me."

Sam glared at Dean, hand outstretched. Then frowned a moment in frustration, adjusting his stance before trying again. Just his luck. "Guess we have to find out if you fight like my brother, too." He said and moved toward Dean.

"Bring it on, Sammy." Dean said. "Come on, you know you want a piece of me." He taunted until Sam took the first swing.

Dean ducked and slugged his brother in the stomach. Sam had spent the last year fighting demons (maybe) with his abilities. Honing his psychic shit. Dean had spent the time fighting demons with his knuckles. There was a difference. He shoved his brother away. "Thought I told you to bring it?"

Sam contained his anger, his hatred, for the monster he believed was wearing his brother's face. He couldn't let the anger drive him, couldn't let it make him make any stupid mistakes. He moved in closer, he had more reach than Dean, and maybe more strength. But Dean would fight dirty and he had to be careful of that. It meant being close, but not too close, in the fight until he could find something to tip the scales to his side. He exchanged blows with his brother, all the while not believing that it was his brother he was fighting.

Dean fought hard against Sam, using every dirty trick he knew. And he knew a lot of dirty tricks. Sam ended up flat on his face, flat on his back, curled up on his side many times. The kid did have big feet after all, incredibly easy to trip. Not that Sam didn't score some points. He could feel his eye swelling up, blood dripped into the other. And he was sure he had a cracked rib. But none of it mattered.

He swept Sam's legs out of under him again, sending his beloved little brother back on his face. Dean got down, a knee in Sam's back as he lifted his brother's face up by his still way too long hair. "Come on, Sam, you're not even trying." He said. "Told you to get a haircut."

"Yeah, look what that did for Sampson." He said as he pushed himself up even with Dean's added weight on his back, and rolled to throw Dean off. "And you're no Delilah, so it's really not worth it." He was on his feet quickly, kicking at his brother's ribs.

"Dude, that's just sick." Dean said with a groan as he got away from Sam and pulled himself to his feet. "Sam, I don't want to have to really stop you. Can we call this a draw? Please?"

"A draw? Don't you get it? There can be no draw. One of us dies here. One of us opens the gate, the other closes it. Since the one that starts it, ends it… that's going to be you."

Dean looked stricken, heartbroken. He'd been putting it off. More than willing to just let the seal hang in limbo. Not open, but not shut forever. And Sam was going to push the issue, the last thing Dean wanted. "Sam, don't make me do this. And you don't want to do this. I know you. Somewhere in there, you're still Sammy."

"Don't call me that. Only my brother can call me that." Sam told him. "You're not Dean." He said.

"Dude! Give it up! I came back damaged, but I came back. Or is that what bugs you? That I came back in the first place?" Dean asked, going after his brother again. Because this was going to end one way or another. Both were bleeding, but not mortally. Whichever one survived would be hurting in the morning. "All that demon blood rot your brain? I swear it's worse than crack."

"Well, at least you got the insecurity part down. What you didn't get though was the loyalty. Dean would have never turned on me. Never." Sam said, giving everything he had to the fight. "The act is good, but it's not convincing."

"I didn't turn on YOU. I turned on your demons. There's a difference if you'd open your damn eyes!" Dean said, exchanging blows with his brother. They weren't holding back anymore. And every blow Dean landed on Sam, he wasn't sure which one it hurt more. His brother or himself. "You've been manipulated ever since Ruby found you. Come on, Sam. Demons on the good side? You honestly believed that?" He swore a couple of his teeth were loose. Blood everywhere, he had to wipe his face several times just to see. Standing wasn't easy anymore. But falling wasn't an option.

"Why not? It's no more fucked up than angels on the bad side. Remember Anna… the one that just wanted to feel and the cast her out for it. Tried to kill her. Tried to make you turn her over so they could do it. Remember Uriel? If I had listened to Ruby sooner I could have killed Lilith outright… I could have saved my brother from hell. " He said advancing on what he believed was a doppelganger, with all the hatred he could manifest blotting out the instinctive love for the image of his brother.

The force of the charge took them both to the ground, his hands closed around the other mans neck and he squeezed, with every intention of killing him right there.


	14. Courtesy Call

**Courtesy Call**

_This is just a courtesy call_

_This is just a matter of policy_

_This is just an act of kindness_

_To let you know your time is up._

As soon as Sam fell, the angels finished off the demons. They were too shocked to put up a fight. It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

But now the seal was permanently closed, and Dean swore he could hear Lucifer himself roar with rage. And he didn't care. His throat hurt from his brother's hands as he eased Sam to the ground.

"Sam..." He said, tears falling as he pulled the knife he'd shoved into his brother's chest out and tossed it to the side. "I didn't want this."

Castiel stood at Dean's side. "You didn't have a choice." He said quietly. It was always going to end this way. He knew that now. The ineffable plan. He should never have doubted it. For every step of the way, his father in heaven had made a counter step to thwart Lucifer, but it was for others to make that plan happen. It had always come down to brothers. It always came to war and sacrifice.

"Yes I did." Dean said as he wiped off his brother's face with his t shirt. "You always have a choice. There's always a choice." He smoothed down his brother's hair, and closed his eyes. "Did you win? Finally?" It didn't feel like a victory to him. "Where'd he go? Did my brother go to hell? Don't lie to me."

Castiel stared at the ground looking for some way to give Dean any comfort. It was what he was made for, protection and comfort. He was a guardian angel not an archangel, and yet he couldn't find the words. "Yes." He said quietly. It was Sam's choice as surely as it had been Dean's to go, and even though Castiel didn't believe either of them deserved that fate, it didn't change the reality of it. Free will was… complicated.

Dean nodded and wiped his eyes. "Fine. He'll need company. He's expecting me anyway."

Castiel's eyes widened. "Dean… no. You don't have to go back to hell. That was never in the plan. You were brought from hell without blemish or stain. You were a righteous man, don't undo that in the throes of emotion. You are grieving now. But the pain will mute over time."

"That is such a load of crap. Pain doesn't mute. It doesn't go away. You just figure out new ways to ignore it. I killed my brother. Don't you get that? He was the last thing I had in the world, and I looked into his eyes. Then I killed him. And you want me to live with that? I did what you guys wanted, I saved the damn world. Now let me go."

"Is the pain of remembering really worse than the pain that will await you in hell? Where they will use you against one another time and time again?" Castiel said. He had seen hell when they had broken through the gates to retrieve Dean. "Do you want to become what you have always hated?"

"I already am." Dean said, brokenly. "Just....go. Final order. Leave." He said as he got his jacket and got his gun. He tossed the keys to the car to Castiel. "Make sure Bobby gets that. Now go."

"You are not thinking rationally, Dean. Please. Rethink this. Sam wouldn't want this. You know he wouldn't want this for you."

"He thinks I'm in the pit already. That I never came back. That I'm just a really bad imposter. Weren't you listening?" Dean said. "Don't think I won't do this in front of you. I'm a guy with literally nothing left to lose." He said as he loaded the gun carefully. This would be an embarrassing time for the gun to jam. Big speech and weak finish.

"I know." He said quietly. "You have everything to lose, Dean. Your humanity, your friends, your dignity, you would become one of the enemy. You will become a demon one day. They won't make the offer this time. There is nothing to gain from your willingness. They will eat away all that there is to you. You will never find your brother when you go…do you think they would allow you that comfort? Or him?"

"Free will, Cas." Dean said as he sat by his brother's cooling body. "Can't interfere, remember? That was always your big thing. Watch and observe, try to guide, whatever. But you can't interfere. You should go home. There's probably a party up there."

"I don't think I am going to feel much like celebrating." He said. "And I won't leave so long as there is a chance. All I am asking is that you take time to think about this, think about how this is going to affect others. Bobby, Pamela…" he hesitated before adding, "Laura. She's waiting for you, Dean." It was hitting below the belt, but he had so little to work with.

"Don't." Dean said. "Just don't. There's no chance. I won the war, now I get to make my own decisions, without it affecting the rest of the world. This is my big reward, right? Better things in store for me and all. She believed it, when you said that to her. " He scoffed. "I never did."

"There are good things for you. If you choose them. If you give a life time. You have to take the right steps, Dean." He wasn't allowed to say it directly. Dean had to make those choices. He had to do it himself. "Going to hell isn't what I would consider a way to reward yourself for anything."

"I'm not rewarding myself." He said as he touched his brother. "Dammit, he's cold already. He cooled off so fast." He shook his head, sick of talking about things that didn't matter anymore and raised the gun to his temple.

Laura had known there was no way to reason with Dean. There was nothing anyone could say. He was lost in self loathing and loneliness. His own brother had tried to kill him. Nothing could stop what was going to happen next.

Except a miracle.

She appeared before him, and gently touched the gun, before caressing her lover's face. "I love you." She said softly.

The gun fell, Castiel moving quickly to catch it before it undid Laura's plan. Dean didn't even notice as Castiel slipped the safety back on. He could touch Laura, as he brought his own hand up to her face. Then, everything falling down around him, he laid his head in her lap and just cried.

She said nothing, she just sat there stroking his hair, rubbing his back. He could let go with her. He could grieve. He had to grieve. His body wracked with sobs, and she leaned over and held him tightly "I'm here." She murmured. "I'm here…" she knew nothing else she could say would comfort him. Nothing could end the pain of his brother's loss, or the guilt at having been the one to do it himself, and it wasn't alright. It wasn't going to be alright.

Dean was reeling from the knowledge that his whole family was now dead. His mom, his dad, now his brother. He'd killed the last member of his family, the brother he treasured beyond everything else. He'd done what he said he'd never do, put someone or something else above his brother.

There were only two options. Hell, where he'd share his brother's fate, even if they never saw each other. Or Heaven, where he'd have to explain to his parents why Sam was in hell, how he had let that happen. Hell was preferable. Finally, he just lay there quietly. "I get everyone killed. There's no fixing this."

She leaned her head down to his, gently kissed his hair. "Time is fluid." She murmured. "If you know the right people, nothing is set in stone. Fight for it. Fight for what you truly want. What your heart truly wants." She knew he would want his family over anything. Would give anything to see that happen. He just had to ask the right person."There is still fight in you, baby, please, I know there is."

"I'm so tired." He said, on his fighting anymore. He'd been tired before he went to hell. He came out of hell tired. He was still tired. But he heard her. "What do I want?" He said with a small chuckle. "I think I know." He sat up and wiped his face. "I know."

She caressed his face. "Are you sure…" she asked softly, searching his eyes, hoping against all hope that he wasn't still searching for death as an answer. There was so much hope if he could only see it.

"I'm sure." He said with a nod. "This time, I think it'll work." He said and kissed her. "I think everything will work out this time." He said as he stood up and looked at Castiel. "Okay, I saved the world. Now I want a favor. Am I allowed a favor?"

"Yes." Castiel said quietly. "If I can give it, I will." He couldn't take another team into hell to pull Sam out. That wasn't in his power, but if Dean asked the right question… wanted the right things…

"You know what I want." Dean said. "Make it happen."

*************

November 2, 1983

It was the shot he swore would be heard around the world. But he didn't care. He just stepped over the fallen demon, still sizzling from the Colt's bullet, and picked up the baby in the crib, going over to the rocking chair. He'd forgotten how small Sam really had been as a baby, but he was tiny.

"Don't worry, kiddo." Dean said softly as he rocked his baby brother back to sleep. "You grow up really big."

Little Sammy nestled into his now much older brother and slipped off to sleep, instinctively knowing he was safe in those arms.

Mary burst through the doors of the nursery, and the sound of heavy running footfalls coming up the stairs. "Who.. What?" Mary breathed looking at a man she remembered from so very long ago… but how could it be? He hadn't aged a bit. "Please… don't hurt my son." She said, not knowing what it was he wanted or was doing.

"I'm not going to hurt him." Dean said. "Believe me, it's the last thing I would ever want to do. That..." He said, gesturing to the body on the floor. "Now that....that would hurt Sammy. It's ten years, isn't?"

Mary paled. "The yellow eyed demon… you… you were there… I don't understand any of this, but you had better explain."

"Demon… what the hell is going on ?" John demanded. "Mary.. . Go and get Dean out of the house. I'll take care of this." He said, hoping and silently praying that he could make it through the night with his family whole and intact.

Dean looked at his father, then back at his mother, then down to his brother. "There are things that are hard to understand, at least for....John." He said. "Mary, you know what's going on. You've got an idea of what I just stopped, don't you?"

"That son of a bitch was going to hurt my family." She said. "But it has to go deeper. They aren't some petty evil. What was he going to do to my baby… my boys?"

"Mary," he said worriedly.

"John.. No… I can explain. But you have to let him explain. Don't you remember him…this is the same man that talked you into buying the Impala… there are things I've kept from you… things I thought I could escape. "

"He can't possibly be… Mary… this is madness."

"John… do you love me?"

"More than anything." He said and meant it. He started to speak again but stopped as she put her finger to his lips.

"Then hear me out… hear him out… please…"

"He wasn't a petty evil. His name was Azazel. He makes deals, then comes to collect. Taints babies with his blood, hoping to build an army for the Apocalypse." Dean said.

"Apocalypse?" John asked. "Okay, this has gone far enough." He said before Mary stopped him.

"She died here tonight. She tried to interrupt him, and he killed her. Then you took your boys on the road looking for him, for everything bad that goes bump in the night." Dean said.

"You're a psychic?"

"Not quite." He said to his father. His father, they were about the same age right now. And his mother was there too....he had to make this work. He had to.

"John… do you remember all those things I did when we first moved in together? The salt, the holy water, and all those things I learned from my parents. Do you remember them?"

"Yeah but-"

"John… listen to me… it's true. What he is saying… is possible. Demons are real. Monsters are real and not just the human kind. I know it sounds crazy but if you give me the chance, I can prove to you that I'm not insane. Please."

"You raised your sons to be warriors." Dean said, still looking at his brother. "Because she died. Now that she doesn't die, and you know the truth, they can still be warriors. But maybe they can be your sons too. Don't let them find out how much you loved them after it's far too late."

"Who are you? Where did you come from?" John asked him. "What the hell am I supposed to do with a dead body in the nursery and a wife who believes in demons… none of this makes any sense to me. Not one bit of it."

"Mary knows what to do with the body." Dean said. "And what do you do? Start learning. That's all I can say. And you know who I am. You won't admit it, either of you, but you know." He said as his younger self came into the nursery, luckily the body had already been covered up.

"Daddy....I heard a noise....."

John scooped his oldest boy up protectively and held him close, still worried about Sam in the arms of this … stranger. His brow furrowed and he looked over at his wife, into her green eyes, then back to the man in the rocking chair, he slowly sank to the floor and leaned against the wall.

"How?" Mary breathed, looking at the younger version of Dean and knowing what she was seeing.

"Miracles." Dean said. "Hey Dean. Wanna help me put Sammy to bed?" He said as his younger self wiggled out of his father's arms. "You are an awesome older brother, you know that? Just some words of wisdom. Don't sleep with your brother's prom date. And don't let him touch the radio." He said as he transferred the sleeping baby into the four year old's arms. He knew the four year old wouldn't drop him. Because he hadn't. "Okay, here we go." Dean said, picking himself (now there was something he'd never thought he'd do) up so the baby could be put back in the crib. "Don't forget the blanket."

John looked up as his oldest boy pulled the blanket up around his youngest. "I… I have to be dreaming this." He said quietly. He didn't want to scare Dean so he kept his voice in check.

"It's gonna be alright, John. Everything is going to be alright." Mary told him, and hoped that she wasn't lying. She didn't know how John was going to deal with the world as it truly was. She didn't know how she would deal with it. She had wanted to escape it. To be free of the hunting and the endless death. Her parents had loved that life but she had always felt trapped by it and now it was back in her life.

"I'm an old friend of your parents." Dean said. "I'm only in town for today." He said to his younger self. "But it's late for older brothers, they need their rest. So how about you get some sleep, okay?" He said, tousling the blonde hair. Then passed by his parents and headed down to the kitchen. Dammit, he deserved a drink, and his father was bound to have a beer in the house.

Mary followed Dean down the stairs while John walked Dean back to bed. "You're my son." She said, watching him open the refrigerator and take out a beer. "What is going on?" She asked him. "Tell me everything."

"Everything is what I want to change." Dean said as he sat down at the table with his beer. "You died tonight. He killed you. Dad found out the truth, and took us on a quest to find your killer. We did. I killed him. Felt really good too. But that was after Sam died. And I made a deal to bring him back. This is after Dad died, because he made a deal to bring me back. Sam and me, we save the world. And we have no idea why we should." He looked at his mother. God, his mother. "You never wanted your kids in this. I know that. But one way or another we end up in it. I learned the same time Dad learned, we made a lot of mistakes. I've removed the yellow eyed demon, it's a good start. But we need our family. Dad, he turns into one hell of a hunter, the best. But he grieved you until the day he died. We only had half a father."

"If this demon is dead… why shouldn't I keep things as they are… continue with a normal life? You boys deserve a normal life. That's all I ever wanted for us. Something without all the death and blood. With that the nightmares and the endless secrets."

"Then no secrets." Dean said. "Be honest with Dad. He found out later anyway, I think. I have it on good authority that we're destined to do this anyway. This is how it should be. As a family. All I ever wanted was my family together again. I had a dream once where you lived, and there was no hunting, and it didn't work out. Dad needs you. And we need you. But the world kinda needs us."

"Did you hate it… the hunting?" She asked him. "Did Sam?" She still half expected to wake up in the morning and find that it was all a nightmare. A terrible nightmare. Terrible and wonderful at the same time.

"No one loves hunting, unless you're a sadistic freak. It's got its good days and bad days. Some really bad days. But we helped a lot of people, saved a lot of people." Dean said. "Sam was awesome at research, languages. Always was a smart kid. Sam and Dad, they'd butt heads. Because Dad learned about the demon blood, and wanted to hold Sam as close as he could, protect him, watch him. But you know how kids are, they want to go off and try new things. It wasn't the hunting."

"I don't know how I am going to make him believe. Your father is a stubborn man. Very set in his ways. But I suppose you know that. He's good at it huh? My parents never would have believed that." She said with a smile.

"The absolute best." Dean said as he took an empty envelope and a pen and wrote down Missouri's name. "She's a psychic in town, the real deal. She was the one who told Dad the truth originally. Pastor Jim, he's another one. Man of God, and a hunter. Push comes to shove, Bobby Singer, he's in South Dakota. He and Dad were close, when they weren't threatening to kill each other. He was there for us."

"I know Missouri." She said. "Maybe she could help me convince John. He isn't going to like disposing of the body, that's for sure. I just hope he doesn't decide I am insane and that he needs to get you boys someplace safe."

"I'll talk to him." Dean said as he got up from the table and moved to the base of the stairs as John was coming down. "We should probably talk."

"Yeah… yeah we should." John said. "Let's go for a drive." He wanted this away from his family if it went scary. He wasn't sure yet that it wasn't going to. Obviously even if the man was telling the truth, he had shot someone in his son's nursery. Things could get scary.

Dean nodded. "I didn't lie, you know. The car is still bad ass even when it's forty years old." He said as they headed out to the Impala. "God, she's a beauty."

"That she is." John said as they both instinctively went for the driver's side door. He raised an eyebrow and indicated the passenger's side. "Not lying huh… so why don't you tell me all the truth, not just what you think I can handle."

Dean raised an eyebrow in return as he got into the passenger's seat. At least he wouldn't have to deal with whiny emo music. But he took off his jacket and threw it over the seat as he looked at his father, knowing full well his t-shirt was dirty, torn, and bloody. And he was bruised, especially on the neck. His face was presentable, but that was only a mirage, he still felt every single bruise and busted piece of skin. "What do you think you can handle? Right now?"

"Probably not as much as I am going to need to, but that's my problem. Might as well start at the beginning and push on through. But you better be convincing. I've got a dead body in my house and unless you convince me otherwise I have no reason to believe you two didn't show up together with the intent to take my boys."

"I'm not taking them. I have only a few hours, and then hopefully I don't exist anymore." Dean said as he turned down the radio. "But okay, fine. Tonight could have gone another way. Tonight you should have shoved Sammy into my arms, told me take him outside as fast as I could, don't look back, go now. You tried to save her, but you couldn't. So instead we sat on the hood of this car and watched our house burn. You weren't right after that, because you saw the demon in Sam's nursery as Mom died. You were relentless after. Training, studying, learning. Guns, ammo, knives, symbols, Latin. We jumped from town to town, conning our way through life, the only pay off we ever got was a half hearted thank you from the people we saved. And we never stopped hunting the demon."

"Alright." He said as he turned a corner headed toward an all night diner outside of town. A truck stop where the coffee kept coming and the food was good. "But there is a lot to this story that you aren't telling me. Like why you came back. Twice."

"The first time wasn't by choice. It was just an eye opener. Let me know that Azazel has deep plans, and an end game." Dean said. "The second was now, after Azazel's end game played out, and I won."

"Why did you come back? To set your mother… to get Mary and I to go on some crusade? To stop the demon from doing something to Sammy? So this demon was defeated and you came back to do it again? Talk to me. Don't leave things hanging for me to interpret."

"To stop the demon now, before he screwed with Sam. Before he got any further in his little agenda. So he didn't have a chance to kill you. He nearly killed me. I was on life support, the doctors didn't hold out much hope. He offered you my life for yours. And you took him up on it. Destroyed me. And Sam. For a while. Then he had Sam killed." Basically anyway. "And I traded me for him. I went to hell. Then I had to come back and try to save Sam as whatever the demon did to him made him....dark." He swallowed and stared straight ahead. "And I couldn't save him. Not then. Maybe I can now."

"You came back to save your brother. Truly save your brother." John said as he parked the car and looked over at the man beside him. The man claiming to be his son. The man that looked enough like both of them that it could be believed … if you believed in demons and time travel. "Is that what happened to you? The fight to save him at the end… the fight you failed." He could see the man's eyes and they were tormented. But hell? That was as hard to believe as time travel. Yet the man seemed so earnest.

"Yeah. I failed." Dean said as he got out of the car and headed into the diner and grabbed a table, waiting for his father. He'd definitely failed. And he'd probably fail right now. But at least the demon didn't get Sam. He looked up at John as he came in. "You don't believe me." He said as the waitress came over. "Coffee. Black and strong, please."

"Yeah well, my wife apparently does. So that's why you aren't sitting in a jail cell for murder." He said honestly. "I need some sort of proof. I'm pretty sure that isn't to be had, but I'm giving you a chance to convince me. You look like you went through a gauntlet."

Dean waited until the coffee was delivered and pulled out his wallet. And one by one, laid out snapshots and creased pictures. Some were his, some were taken from his father's wallet and journal after he died. Then sat back and drank his coffee.

"My god." John breathed after looking at the pictures long and hard. He saw images of him with Dean and another little boy he assumed was Sam, sitting on the car, in the car, two snapshots of graduations. "It's almost too much to comprehend."

"I know." Dean said. "And I'm asking a lot. But I'm asking it for all of us. I don't know what I just did. I might have screwed it up even more. But we're a family, always have been. I thought maybe you all could act like one now."

"I doubt you screwed things up more. Not if you saved your mother's life tonight. " John said, thinking he could use something a little stronger than a cup of coffee right then, but it was probably best he stuck with coffee. "Your mother. Now I have said it. I think I am losing my mind, but I believe you. What do I need to do? How do I keep them … you … safe?"

"Just be our dad. And translate that Marine toughness into being a bad ass hunter." Dean said. "Mom can show you. She nearly took me out ten years ago, you know." He said with a grin. "I took out Azazel, but there's plenty more where he came from. And if Sam wants to go to Stanford, let him go to Stanford."

"Stanford? Sammy gets into Stanford?" He asked, pride showing in his eyes. "Good thing we have that savings account set up for you boys to go to college." He chuckled and looked Dean over with an all too familiar appraising eye. "You've been through a lot. I can see it in your eyes. I saw that look a lot overseas. Men who had been on the battlefield too long."

"It's been way too long." Dean said with a nod. "But I can't have all those people die just because I'm tired. Hopefully, now I won't be."

"I'll do all that I can." He said suspecting that there was still a lot that his … son… wasn't telling him. "So you think you are just going to fade away? Become a different man because life turns out a little differently?"

"That's the hope." Dean said. "And I'm banking everything on it. Go see the psychic. She's the real deal, she'll tell you everything you need to know. I left a list with...Mom...of people who are important." He got up after finishing his coffee. "Oh, and if you have time, in about twenty years, send me to break up a cult in Maine."

"It's important to you… this cult in Maine?" John asked, looking the young man over. "Any particular reason?"

"If it works out, you'll know why." Dean said and saw Castiel outside. "Time's up." He said and looked back at his father. "I love you, Dad."

He smiled slowly. "I love that little guy back in my house… probably more than I ever told him. I guess that means I love you, too." He would make sure Dean got to Maine. It meant enough to him to mention it. It was important.

Dean nodded and walked out of the diner and looked at Castiel. "Did I screw it up?" He asked. "Tell me I didn't just make everything worse."

"No." Castiel said with an almost perceptible smile. "You haven't made things worse. Would you like to see?" He asked him. This Dean had sacrificed everything he had ever held dear. He deserved a little peace before fading away.

"You know?" Dean said, thoughtful. "I would. I want to see my family together again. With a Sam that preferably doesn't drool as much." He needed to see an adult Sam. Just once more.

The world shifted around them and they stood in back of his family's dining room, smells of his mother's cooking filled the house.

"I am not too young!" Came a female voice. "I'm old enough to kill monsters, but I'm not old enough to date? That is so not fair!" A blonde girl that resembled his mother greatly came into the room carrying a meat platter and set it on the table.

"It's perfectly fair." Mary said completely unfazed by the teenager's outburst. "Your father and I didn't let your brothers date until they were sixteen, either. See… fair."

"Dean did." The girl said as though that negated her mother's statement, which made Mary laugh.

"That doesn't mean we let him. It also means that your father and I have figured out all the ways to sneak out of this house and we used all the other means of attempting to fool our parents when we were first dating so…you're out of luck. Go get tell your brother to come inside and clean up. Sam and Jessica called and are almost here."

"Whatever." The girl said, rolling her eyes and heading out to the back yard to tell her older brother it was time to come inside.

"I have a sister. That is so cool." Dean said as his sister passed right through him. "Am I around to beat off the boys?" He asked Castiel, but Castiel didn't even have to answer as his father came into the room. Tall, broad shouldered, back straight, as if he wasn't carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

"She still complaining about the dating thing?" John asked his wife, kissing her before washing his hands. Mary laughed and nodded.

"Dean called, he's on schedule to be here. Probably a little after Sam and Jessica get here. Apparently he's bringing a guest." Mary said. "Thank God I cooked enough for a platoon."

"A guest, huh?" John said. "Did he say what kind of guest?" He asked

"No. Not a clue." Mary said. "Here take this into the dining room, I'm going to see what's keeping Robby and Sera." She said, going to the back door just as the front door opened.

"Mom, Dad? We're here." Sam said as he led his wife into the house, holding hands and smiling at each other.

"Hey!" John said with a smile, putting the platter down on the table. "Your mother's rounding up Robby and Sera, Dean should be here any moment." He said. "You look beautiful." He said, kissing his daughter in law's cheek. "Come on in, we're waiting on Dean. He's bringing someone. Any idea?"

"No." Sam said looking between his father and Jessica. "Is it a woman? He hasn't been talking about his exploits lately. That could mean he is taking someone a little more seriously." He suggested. "The last time he talked about a girl, it was that virgin sacrifice he rescued when you sent him up to Maine."

"Or he has finally made his way through every woman in town where he lives and none of them are speaking to him anymore?" Jessica teased.

"Quit whining, runt." Robby was telling his sister. "No one in this town is worth wasting your time on anyway. Especially not some jerk on the football team. Trust me… I was on the high school football team. I know what those guys are like."

"Ugh! You are all unbelievable. My life could end this weekend, and I'll never have been kissed. And none of you see a problem with that?" Sera said.

John shook his head. "Absolutely none."

"Sam! Sam will help me." Sera said with a grin. "You dated before you were sixteen, right? You can confess, you're married now and don't live here so you can't be grounded. Did it damage you for life?"

"I hate to break your image of me… but I didn't date till my junior prom. I was 17. I was a huge geek. Heather Marin gave me a sympathy date because her older sister was dating Dean. There it is, the sad humiliating truth." Sam said.

"What do you mean you were a huge geek?" Robby said with a grin. "You still are a huge geek."

"And it starts already." Mary said, coming out with another platter. "Next gathering, I'm getting a taser gun." She said as she heard the Impala pull up and smiled at John. "Bet he's glad you didn't get the Volkswagen."

John laughed then. "Yeah I bet so. The last time a VW van was a chick magnet was 1969." He said. "Come on, head to the table, Dean and his guest will join us there. Sera, stop staring out the window. You're gonna make whoever it is nervous."

Sera moved away from the window and Sam moved to take her place. "Wow." He said and whistled lowly. "Okay, well… let's all head to the table like Dad says."

Robby looked around Sam. "Mom, break out the holy water. I think Dean's possessed." He called back.

"Robert, away from the window. Now." Mary said.

"He brought a girl home." Robby said as he moved away from the window and waited for the door to open.

"Sorry, we're late." Dean said. "Traffic."

"That's alright, we're just now getting the food to the table." Mary said. "Are you going to introduce us to your friend?" She was just as curious as the others, although the young woman was striking, she had to admit that. But she wasn't Dean's usual type.

All eyes were on Dean in that moment. Even Sera was silent as they awaited the introduction.

"You people are scary. Where is my family and what have you done with them?" He asked at their silence. "Fine. This is Laura. Laura, my mother Mary, dad John, brothers Sam and Rob, and pest Sera."

After the chorus of hellos, Laura smiled. "Hi." She said and made the rounds of shaking hands. They all looked a little shell shocked. Pleased, but shell shocked and she found that amusing. She could see where Dean got that expression from. That 'what do I do now?' expression.

Sam looked over at his brother. "So is this the young woman you … met in Maine?" He asked, hoping for some clue on what they were allowed to talk about around her. Had he introduced her to the family business, was she in the know… was she the ONE.

"Come on, cut me some slack." Dean said with a laugh. "Like I'd bring her here if she didn't have a clue? She knows everything."

"Mom. Holy water." Robby said.

"Robby, that's enough." Mary said with a laugh.

"And amazingly he answers the unasked question, without answering the question I was actually asking." Sam said with a smile.

Laura laughed. "Yes, I am the virgin sacrifice," she said, "that he found in Maine while dealing with a cult of lunatics who thought they could end the world by ending me. Fortunately for me, they failed on all counts." She looked over at Dean adoringly.

"Oh god… he's a hero. There is no living with him now." Sera said, rolling her eyes.

"Let's get to the table." John said. "Before the food gets cold and your mother loses her patience."

"Don't worry, they won't interrogate you too much." Dean said to Laura, as he guided her to the table. "That's Jessica, Sam's wife. How's married life? Want to return him yet? Because I'm pretty sure the warranty's run out."

"Nope sorry, I have to keep him now." Jessica said with a bright secretive smile. "Come on… " She said sliding an arm around Laura's shoulders. "Let me give you the low down on the family as we walk." She knew that Sam wanted Dean to be the first to know, so she was arranging to give the brothers time alone.

Laura walked away with Jessica, feeling comfortable with her already. That was a good sign as far as she was concerned.

Dean watched them go and looked at his brother. "Okay, why did Jessica kidnap Laura? I already saved her from one ritual sacrifice, you know." He said and examined his brother more closely. "Dude, something's up. Spill or I'm shaving your head."

Sam laughed, his eyes lighting up, and his dimples deeper with his broader than usual smile. "I wanted you to be the first to know." He began. "I couldn't tell people over the phone though… not something like this. Fortunately Dad's birthday was soon enough that it wasn't blatantly obvious or anything." He finally paused to take a breath. "We're gonna have a baby."

Dean stared at his brother as a smile spread over his face. "Seriously?" He asked. "Wow. Sam...Dude....a baby? That's....wow, that's awesome." He said, clapping his brother on the shoulder. "When is it due?"

"November." He said trying to reign in the smile but he couldn't do it. "November 2nd. It's a good thing I have a job lined up after I graduate this fall. It's all happening at once. Everything." He said. "So tell me… is Laura the one? Is that why you brought her home? Trying to find out if the family will scare her off?"

"Yeah, basically." Dean admitted. "She's definitely the one, so you guys better not scare her off, or I'm really going to get moody."

Another Dean, an invisible one, stood next to the brothers. He had to swallow past the lump in his throat as he looked at Castiel. "A baby?" He said, eyes bright and moist, even as he grinned. "God, a baby. You still their guardian angel or did you get reassigned?" He said, watching the rest of the family return to the room.

Castiel almost smiled. "Yes. I am still the guardian for your family. It's an assignment I look forward to." He said. "Even if it has expanded almost exponentially. Is this how you had envisioned your lives without the taint of the demon?" He asked, watching the display of familial affection as Sam made the announcement to the rest of the family.

Dean soaked in the scene. "No." He said. "It's better. I couldn't have envisioned this." He nodded as he composed himself. "I can go now. Everything worked out." He said as he looked at a beaming Jessica, his radiant mother, and his Laura.

Castiel nodded and extended a hand to Dean. He knew that the man before him was no saint, never would be. But he was a righteous man. They had not been wrong in that. Virtue wasn't always couched in soft gentle voices and warm smiles. Sometimes it was buried in the heart of a warrior. He was proud of his charge, even if the man had frustrated him more times than he cared to admit. He would miss this man. But he hoped that he would come to find the new version carried the same heart with in him.

Dean looked at the scene before him for a long moment before grasping Castiel's hand, a part of him clinging to the scene, but still at peace with going.

"Pass the potatoes."

"So if it's a girl, what are you going to name it? Or a boy? Maybe twins...."

"Bite your tongue before Jessica rips it out. I've read that pregnant women can often resemble possessed women..."

"Yeah, I was tracking down this werewolf outside of Norfolk....."

"This car came into the shop, totally cherry, or would have been if the owner wasn't a complete idiot...."

"I lived on salt and vinegar potato chips when I was pregnant with Sam. Completely got rid of the morning sickness..."

"What if the baby has Sam's forehead?"

"Sera!"

"Just asking...."

* * *

A/N

Thank you to those that have continued through to the end. I am sorry that I didnt get around to responding to those of you that reviewed. We appreciate all the reviews, and yes... we have pouted because we didnt get more. I must admit that we are feedback junkies in the extreme. So please feel free ( please please please ) to review the final chapter and tell us what you thought of the entire story.

Until next time :) Enjoy.


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